Back at Day 2

[Pat1956100]

I'm typing this but don't know if I'll have the guts to post it.
I have a "friend" who came over to visit a few weeks ago and he was really hurting.  I had a full bottle of pregabalin (generic lyrica) leftover as I had switched to real Lyrica.  I gave him a couple and it really helped him.  So I gave him a few more to take with him.  Well he was phoning me daily to get a couple.  Then he called and he had given a couple to a friend who is prescribed percs and the friend really liked them and wanted to trade some percs for the pregabalin.  I couldn't believe it but they were garbage to me.  I said I would think about it.  Well, I thought and I thought.  My house has been up for sale for awhile and not moving.  My agent wants to come and take pictures of the inside and my house was a mess because it has been too cold, icy and stormy  for anyone to be looking for awhile.  The percs would give me the energy to clean my house and take away the side effects I'm having from the Lyrica.  Just a few to get me through.   Well I traded them all and ended up with around 70 percs.  I took them for about 10 days.  Totally abused them and am now back going through withdrawals, side effects from my lyrica and still have a messy house.  Back in the same situation only 10x worse.  I am in withdrawals, more time has passed to get my house ready and of course I'm not too happy with myself.  I guess I am proof that you have to make sure you don't associate with anyone who is using when you are clean.  Especially newly clean.  I knew I was weak.  I knew he didn't have anything and thought I could help him.  He instead helped me to use again.  I really did feel like I woke up the beast after just taking 2 pills.  I actually had to take about 6 to stop the guilt and to give me energy.  I hate to post this but I have read a couple of things on the forum today and thought I should share this.  I probably made a few people happy but I know most people care.  
Thanks for reading
Hugs
Pat

[vicki595]

Hey friend...I'm sorry you're going through this and I can't believe anyone could be so evil as to feel happiness over your misery; don't even let yourself go there...

I hesitate to say too much on the open forum because relapse is an intensely personal occurrence. I'll just remind of one thing:     Nothing changes if nothing changes. Nothing. Ever. It will just stay the same everyday, just like the many days before, a cycle of nothing.      I was caught in that myself for so long, Pat...and as much as I KNEW it was bad, I couldn't stop.

The thing that worked for me was realizing that the problem was not the pills. The problem was me.  When I changed my routines and got some support it was the key.  I learned that here Pat and that's why I stay loyal to the forum...

Read over what Gnarly said to you and think about it. Find your strength, face your demons, and push on! You know what to do and you CAN do this...the remedy is not found in a pill and the moment we think it does, we're in big trouble!  

Stay close; you know who your friends are...xoxo

[Pat1956100]

Wow, thanks so much to each and every one of you that took the time to respond to my message.
I can't remember when I have ever felt so much love.  It really is overwhelming.  I don't feel that I deserve it but I am working on that.
I know that every comment was from the heart and I want to make all of you proud of me and be proud of myself too.
I know how I can do it too.  I am working on that as well.
Much love and big hugs to all
Pat

[ricart70]

Keep trying Pat !   Don't give up and stay away from those "friends" !

[gnarly_1]

Hi Pat so sorry to read this but without help I no for a fact I could not do this once you realize without good aftercare this disease is just sitting idle waiting to pounce in a moment of weakness...for me N/A makes all the difference you will be surrounded by people just like you and will be welcome with a hug its time to give this a chance if it can fix a dope fiend like me it can work for any one willing to give it a try  you will leave your first meeting with ph numbers so you have someone to call for me I enjoy the meetings and it is the best time spent getting well time to give it a try............Gnarly................  

[Sonrissa]

Oh Pat. I truly hate that you are going through this again. I give you tremendous credit for coming her, admitting this, and telling the truth about what happened. I will always support you as long as you don't give up. You know the drill, I have no words of advice, only caring support. I want you to make this so bad. If only my wanting could make it so. I have faith in you that you will get there.

That being said, if you didn't live in Canada, and I wasn't disabled right now, I would hobble up there in the freezing snow, and smack you upside the head with my crutches. Ha!  Just kidding, sweetie. Please stay strong, and the next time temptation comes knocking, come here, post and please let us talk you out of it, and take some of the burden. All the best to you, and much love and support from me!

[hlpplse]

Pat, You are so sweet and help so many people on medhelp I believe in you!!! Every Saint has a past and Every Sinner has a future. I see an amazing sober future ahead for you!!! Please drop your connections like everyone said those evil little pills will mind f*ck you.  Stay Strong XXOO

[brokenspiritandsoul]

Glad to hear you say that!  Keep believing in yourself and keep trying!  You are needed here so no disappearing!  

[Pat1956100]

Wow guys
Thank you so much for all of the beautiful words and for your support.
Yes, I do believe in myself.
There is no way I am giving up.  

[brokenspiritandsoul]

Pat, I am not happy about your relapse either!  My heart just breaks for you!  It took me 2 years to finally make it to 119 days and I know I am 1 pill away from relapse!  I just never posted until my last time but I read everyday!  You haven't failed because failing is giving up and you can't give up!  You always pick yourself up and try it again!  

I think you are an awesome woman!  You have a heart of gold!  You give great advice on here and I have seen you help so many. Time to use your advice on yourself!  I believe in you!  Do you believe in yourself?  

[toothfairie]

Girl you know how I feel about you...you were there for me and still are...you also know i'll always be there for you no matter what...no advice from me...they all said it above....just know you have my support and you can PM me any time you need to....thanks for the PM today...it meant alot.  I've always told you that you are a strong woman, and I still believe that.  It took alot of guts to post here for support...I'm proud of you for pushing forward and not just giving up..  love ya. xoxoxo

[guitrldy]

I thank you for sharing what you did Pat - none of us wants to relapse, but we all know it can happen if we let our guard down.  You also offered me great advice as a newcomer here.  I thank you for that and offer my support as well.

[Pat1956100]

Yes Kyle,
I know how much you support me and I know you really care.  It's just never easy to hear the truth.  
I do keep reading everything over and over and it all seems softer now.

I appreciate all of the love and support from each and every one of you and from the ones who PM"d me.

Thanks Real 180
That was really sweet.

[Real180]

Hi Pat -
I'm very sorry for your relapse -- you were there for me about 2 weeks ago when I "came back" to this forum after a relapse... Your post were very supportive and inspirational and I will never forget that -- so thank you!

Please keep posting and continuing your efforts to get better and help others get better... Thank you again and also a huge CONGRATS on day 2!!!!!

All the best

[rush2112]

Amen sista, amen…

like i said, we all, and i say all with confidence, have been there…relapse is a female dog.  whether it's this time or another, you'll get it figured out…let's hope this is the last time you have to deal with it though…

by the way…go Sharks!

[Pat1956100]

You're right Rush.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone either.
Thanks for the support.
I am picking myself, dusting myself off and starting this fight over.

What I did learn from this is that the percs don't work for me anymore.  Not even after a long break.  That used to happen but it just doesn't anymore.  All they do is make this going through withdrawal happen again and again. They work for pain but I can't take them for pain because I always abuse them.   I know it's insane.  
I'm going to have to face life as it is and do it clean.  

[ROSYouralright]

Great post! Very true!

[rush2112]

THis makes not one single person happy, and I know who you are referencing.  Trust me on this, nobody wishes the H ell of relapse and withdrawal on anybody…I promise you that.

On the other hand, you are a veteran at this and know the drill…pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start the fight over…it's all you can do…you know what needs to be done to make it work, so you gotta do it or you will be right back here again and again and again…I have been there and so have there rest of us…

fight on Pat

[mommymarieme]

Hey honey I just wanted to give you some support because I think you are amazing and I know you can do this. Try and change it up this time. I am sure you know what needs to be done and you know we will be here to support you. Everyone gave you such great advice I just wanted to tell you that I am here if you need anything. Big hugs! Xoxo

[katmandu516]

Hey Pat...Don't beat yourself up!  We all fall sometimes, but the only thing about that is we can only pray that we can get back up, or even wake up. Bad things can happen. Believe me I know.  I was addicted to opiates for many years. Just be careful ok?  I know you had a terrible loss, which can set the strongest person on here back. Just get back up, dust yourself off and start again. You can do it!!  I can tell you feel bad, and that you will go through detoxing again....Hang Tough!!

[meegWpaw]

much love, Pat.  here if you need me.  keep fighting!!!

[IBKleen]

Einstein: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"

[VICourageous]

Pat..I was just wondering if you are still grieving over a loss?? I think clean mentioned it. You know all the losses I have just had in the last couple of months and my Mom is on my property dieing of Cancer right in front of me. I have been fighting that Devil every dam day..He wants me to go get drunk or use a pill to numb myself. Devil or not it has been the biggest battle in my Life. I just have to keep telling my self that using is only a Temporary fix with a Long term repair. I am not used to dealing with these real emotions during these hard & hurtful times. This is when we must UP our support..I am still reaching every where.
I am not sure what is going on, but you might be like me and need some kind of one & one support in other areas of our Life.
I come over to help my Mom and have to tell her I am so sorry I can not do all the things I used to..Energy is just not there do to stress..I tell her I can go get some pills and get it all done..She says NO WAY!! Just let it be, it will get done soon. She still gives me so much Support in her dieing days and I sure do not want to let her down or myself. It does take so much work not to let that tape in the brain play again and again..OH!! Just one for this or that..I know it is all lies..I know you will work this all out. I sure will be with you all the way..lol
Bless
PS I do not even pick up the phone now if I know it is someone who uses. It is a BIG BAD DANGER ZONE for me right now.

[Pat1956100]

Connie
Everything you said, is right on the money.

[msdelight]

Pat I'm so sad to here this. At this point I would be asking myself if the house ever did get clean, did the pictures get take etc etc. If that didn't happen after 70 percs, I would kinda rule it out as a reason.  Also, your sobriety is riding on a move to moms which may or may not happen.  The little yellow devil is an awesome liar and you are buying it hook, line and sinker. You cleanliness depends on only you. You have to make it work in every situation.   What else can we do? Only a fool repeats the same action and expects a different result. All roads lead back here.