Keeping my pills

[cleansweep1813]

I have been clean for 8 days today and this is my 3rd attempt at staying clean, but for some reason I can't bring myself to get rid of my last six pills? Am I ever going to win over these pills?

[Farmgal40]

I am day 9 with no tram. I can't really say OH how GREAT I feel. The desire to take the pill itself is definitely much less, but my mind is playing tricks on me. I had a huge step yesterday and went to a 9 hour event that was 100% walking and standing the whole time. This is when I really would have taken the pills to keep the energy to just keep going and going all day, AND being social and fun at the same time. I was proud of myself for making it. But I guess I thought by day 9 I'd feel like this wonderful new person (or the old person I was I guess I should say) but today does not feel great. I have the week off and have some big things I need to get done, projects to tackle, huge To Do list, etc. I'm having little stupid pill voices telling me I picked the WRONG time to quit; that I should have gotten a refill of pills for this week so I could make it a productive week. I'm fighting the urge and not giving in, but also feeling like a lazy failure beause I don't have the energy to get stuff done! I am trying to rely on remembering the feeling of how crappy the pills made me feel when they wore off, but the more days without the pills, the further away that memory  gets. So it doesn't make sense, but I'm trying to remember the "bad" just so it keeps me from going back there!

[readytoquit184]

Ok, so most everyone most likely won't agree with me but.... I'm day 3 CT from my first relapse. The first time I went CT I tried to quit MANY TIMES before I actually did but when I did I kept my ENTIRE STASH through everything. My reasoning was that if I wasn't ready to quit I'd go searching anyways so I wanted to prove to myself they could be in my grasp and I was strong enough to not take them. Many times before I'd make sure I had none to stop and it made my anxiety worse and I ended up getting them. Once I was COMPLETELY withdrawn and they meant nothing to me I dumped them. I'm doing the same this time and its worked so far. Once I'm over them mentally and physically ill dump them. That's ONLY my experience and obviously won't work for everyone. Just thought I'd share.

[Cira30]

A day at a time :) we are all in this together .... I am almost 2 weeks clean, it's been hard but looking forward to better days. Stay close to here find support. I have found a few people I rely on daily for that motivation on here. It truly helps. Let me know when you let go of those pills and I will celebrate with you :)

[clean_in_ks]

This is major PROGRESS for you.....cause as ya know..."nothing changes until something changes"

If it were me, I'd take someone with me to the storage unit.....in fact, my hubby would GLADLY go get them and dispose of them so I didn't have to touch them.  He, in fact, took a half a bottle of hydros and somas I had left the day I committed to "being done" and threw them out his truck window one pill at a time...along our country road.  We may have some pretty high skunks and rabbits out here....but at least it isn't his wife!!

Will be watching for your post......glad you've become willing to rid yourself of a "safety net"....cause you know if we are truly done.....we don't need a backup plan~

[cleansweep1813]

Thank you ariley.... I needed that swift kick in the pants! What you said I needed to read.... Your right I'm in the same holding pattern i have been in for more than half my life and I know it! I'm full of B.S! I need to flush them, I put them in a storage unit  so they would be harder to get to.... I'm going tomorrow picking them up and I'm going to flush them and post as I'm flushing I'm convinced now that that's the right thing! I'm scared as heck to live life without a net, but what kind of life is it being an addict?!but I'm doing it!

[ariley13]

I'll tell you and please know all of this comes straight from the heart. You are wrong!! It's not 'weird' how you are feeling. That is classic addict thinking and we all feel that and think that way if we don't keep ourselves in check. Every single one of us has felt this way. You have to change this thinking. Redirect it. You are making excuses to use already.
'I know I'm going to have some issues that are going to come up and I can already see a relapse! My boyfriend and I are constantly fighting I'm living in his house and I know we are goi g to break up and my whole life is going to change and I know or feel I'm not strong enough to get through this drastic change without my little helpers!'
These are nothing but excuses to use in the future. You are telling yourself that it's ok to use if life gets rough. You have to change this mindset. We all have tons of excuses to use every single day and if we don't, we will make some up! Shoot, if I used every time my life got rough, I would have used a million times since I quit! You say that you keep relapsing. This is why. You have to change what you are doing. It's insanity to keep doing the same things but expect a different outcome. Stop making excuses and setting yourself up for failure. Make up your mind that you will live your life, good and bad, without the pills. Pills don't make things better. They just trick you into believing that while they actually make things worse. Get rid of the freaking pills and REALLY  do this!!! I have faith in you. I know you can do it!! Now just have faith in yourself and jump! No back up plans! No excuses! I'm sorry, I know this was harsh, but everything I said came straight from the heart. I hope you understand that I am just being honest and giving you a little dose of tough love. Sometimes that's what we need.

[cleansweep1813]

Believe me I know you are all right when you say "Flush those pills", but I'm so torn inside I know this sound strange but I know I'm going to have some issues that are going to come up and I can already see a relapse! My boyfriend and I are constantly fighting I'm living in his house and I know we are goi g to break up and my whole life is going to change and I know or feel I'm not strong enough to get through this drastic change without my little helpers! Please someone tell me I'm wrong!

[nursegirl6572]

FLUSH!

ONLY ONE reason to keep them...to continue the addiction.  Get rid of them or you will end up taking them, then your next thread will be all about all the guilt you feel for taking them and a lot of "you guys were right".  These folks have lived it!

You can do it!  :0)

[bama88]

Why remind your self of the whole thing

[bama88]

Ok...been there done that ....addicts are very very smart people that love to play devils advocate...or at least I do. The what ifs...over thinking every move so much you don't make alive for the fear of being wrong..what if what if the what if and what about.....or is it control..hmmm.  I think all of us have major control issues.

[Andie015]

Roysgirl, I have been following you as well and I think your attitude is amazing during a not so amazing time for you. I know this is so hard but when you get some time behind you it's such a life changing event. You won't believe how at rest your mind will become...you start to feel real peace. And great things start to happen....it could be something big like a goal you can finally achieve because pills aren't your number one priority or something as small as just waking up in a good mood for a change...it's so possible and I have a good feeling you're going to make it.... Good luck friend!

[ROSYouralright]

I loved this entire post

[Andie015]

I'm glad to hear that.....when I was just starting I would read post after post for the magic words to really open my eyes and change my ways. Of course now I know there is awesome advice and support here but those magic words have to be from yourself. I want to give back the support I was given and I'm very happy to hear what I said made so much sense to you. Anytime you need to talk you can always send me a message. Now....what about those pills?

[cleansweep1813]

Hi andie, You have hit the nail on the head! It's almost like you have a window into my brain.... Everything you have said is so on point it's scary! Thank you for taking my thoughts and letting me see them in black and white.

[ROSYouralright]

I was exactly where you are just 4 days ago. I'm glad I listened and flushed mine because I'm not doing good right now and probably would have taken them. Done is DONE... ya know❔

[ROSYouralright]

CONGRATS on 8 days❕❗ that is GREAT! Do yourself a favor and FLUSH THEM asap.... NOTHING good can be gained by keeping them. I've been there but I wasn't strong enough to have them and not take them. My new motto is IF I DON'T HAVE IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT... Your doing SO GOOD! SOOO proud of you....

[Andie015]

Sorry.....you are holding on to those pills for a reason. You are obviously scared to be without them, which is understandable. And you can't claim financial reasons for it either....you are completely freaked out to be without a pill... We have all been there. What you need to understand is that having them around is a crutch. You are thinking I will be ok because if it gets really bad, I have pills to save me. You need to learn how to save yourself without pills. It's so scary, I truly get it but those pills are a gateway to start up again... If you TRULY want to quit the first thing you will do is get rid of them. You want them out of your life... Why keep them close to you?  You need to take a hard look at your life and decide....these pills that I have , is it worth it to be tempted every day or truly proceed with your recovery with no temptations. Again, you are holding on to them for a reason... For another relapse.... Whether you know it or not, that's what this will all lead to if you keep them. FLUSH THE BI@@ches and move on!!!! You can do it....I hope you make the right decision for your sobriety...good luck

[cleansweep1813]

Hey nuts 1982.... Thanks for your comment.... I think it's great you have the support of your husband how lucky you are, but unfortunately I'm not married and do not  have a very strong support system except for this community of course.  Even with all that said I definitely have to be the one to flush them just from a ceremonial stand point it's going to be very therapeutic!

[Andie015]

Hi clean!  Good job on your clean time. That is very hard earned time and you should be very proud. Honestly, and without judgement, you are j

[cleansweep1813]

Hey vicourageous.... First I want to congratulate you on being almost 1 year clean! How proud you must be and should be in yourself!....I have thought about going to N/A meetings but to be honest it took me about a year to get the courage up to start posting , possibly in the future I may see myself going  but I am definitely one who takes baby steps these days!

[cleansweep1813]

Hi farmgal40.... I think we're on the same page when it comes to our reasoning for holding on to these evil pills.... It's always in the back of my mind.... What if I get hurt( at least I won't have to pay for a prescription, not to mention at the moment I have no health insurance)and like you I never want to touch these life stealers again!.... I also feel stronger knowing the pills are around even though I have no desire to take one  ( at the moment, cravings haven't reared there ugly head yet!) convoluted thinking perhaps but for now  

[VICourageous]

If you want to get a quick look go into my Journal where I just put two pieces of info in so far..One is Tolerance and the other the Pleasure part of the brain. There is so much more about this that is just unreal..
Bless

[Farmgal40]

I can so relate....I have only 2 pills left (tram) and I can't bring myself to flush them either...not sure why? is it the "what if?"  Even if I had a broken bone sticking out of my body, I would not want to take these evil things again! I'm on day 5 without (five.... L -O-N-G daaaaaays)  and I can't figure my brain out, does having them and being able to resist give me some form of (fake of course) power?

[digger1976]

Great post Vic, i truly agree about the detox being the easy part in many ways, my battle is just starting now really. 62 days clean now i think and i feel the cravings coming on stronger all the time. I don't and won't give in to them but i do understand i must seek some kind of outside support. I never really thought i would need some, stubborn as always in my thinking. If i want to stay clean i must look for help though this is too big for me to fight alone. I have great support from all my family but i truly don't like worrying them, they have been through far too much with me already. Thank you to everyone who kept on at me to find extra support, it has eventually sunk in, ;)