Aa
I don't know when I last wrote...VICODIN IS EVIL
First I want to say that when I met my husband he was alread in big trouble. I was nieve and didn't really understand what I was getting into. He had gotten out of the military in the Spring of 06, due to some issues with an officer or something ( I really don't know the story ), we met in the summer of 06. He was living with his mother and stepfather....but his mom was in NYC ( She wishes she could live there, is on her 5th husband and also is or has been addicted to vicodin/and or others aswell ). We jumped to serious so quickly, he was really just a lot of fun and I had kinda needed a little, a few months into our relationship I dabled a little in some of the things he did then, that I knew of, X, xanax, cocaine and pot, all of which I had never even seen before. I wanted to badly (and STUPID) to be a part of his world, STUPID STUPID. But I got a little smart at some point and decided I wasn't going to get caught up. I found out I was pregnant in January of 2007 (Fast, I know), found out it was twins in Feb of 2007. Since I stopped doing things with him and since the pregnancy I seriously had my eyes wide open to what was and had been going on around me, he had serious issues. I believe that the other drugs were only a fix when he couldn't get his drug of choice....vicodin. He and his mother and people they would pay to go with would go to these pain management clinics in another city and get 120vics, 90 xanax and 90 somas once a month for each person including them that would go for them. When they ran out of that, he would hit the streets for them, through connections they both knew.... but she was above doing this dirty work herself.
Once pregnant and knowing what was going on, I tried to bargain, tried to learn about this, tried everything... I threatening (which I know doesn't help), EVERYTHING. I was carrying his children inside of me, I didn't want to leave him but at the same time I am not sure why I didn't. I don't know him at all, atleast not sober. First he promised to quit before the kids were born..HA, I went into preterm labor 6 1/2 weeks early due to High blood pressure, I hadn't seen him in days and he had my car... I couldn't drive his, its a stick. He finally made it home in the middle of the night on a Tuesday, I had missed my apt with my reg OB the day before but had an apt with the specialist (since it was twins and I was quite underweight due to stress). I got in my car and drove to my apt, leaving him there asleep, he couldn't have taken me even if I could have woken up. Anyways, I get to my doc and explain how I had been feeling and they tell me I had been in labor for several days.... had severe high blood pressure and they couldn't believe I had driven there alone. I didn't know! Anyways I had to call his mother to go beat down the door so he wouldn't embarrass me by not making an appearance at the hospital, he was the last one there and I knew his mom had to of fed him a handful of vics before he came in. I had an emergency c-section with in 2 hours of my arrival. We spent a month in the hospital, they were so small. He was by my side for the most part, eating my pain meds... his mom would drop more off for him ofcourse everytime I ran out. Finally in Oct of 2007, after doing research forever, we found a local out patient clinic (HUGE MISTAKE), that was able to prescribe Suboxone. 2 days later we went to the beach with our kids and he convieniently went completely out of the way to meet someone his mom had sent to a clinic to get a whole script of vics for them to share.
I really have no idea how often he screws up now, he has had a lot of dental work done, convieniently, I mean he does have horrible teeth and just got all of his uppers pulled a few months ago and now has a denture which he claims is very painful. Right now we are in a really tough spot, I make virtualy no income working for his mother (ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE on my part) and he really doesn't do anything. I pay for his suboxone and apparently his mom is still helping him get vics when he wants or needs. He needs help, help I can't give him... I try to be supportive but I am not going to condone his behaivior or respect it. He has one friend that is even worth talking to, all the rest are in some way connects to some form of drug. He of course blames all of our problems on me except for on the rare occasion that he comes home after being gone for a day and cries and admits to his problems. He needs more than an outpatient program, especially on that is also prescribing him Oxy or Norco when he says the suboxone isn't killing his pain (the pain that I don't think is there at all). I know that we need to get away from his mother, we are both looking for jobs, I have two kids to think about. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, our only source of income is through his greatest enabeler. He wants me to move on from the past, THE PAST, he was gone all day yesterday down in the ghetto feening for something, away from us, his family. His excuse, we were fighting, but we weren't, he all the sudden made a huge deal about nothing and stormed out. I am sick and tired of all of this. But I don't want to leave him. I hope someone understands what I am about to say but I don't even know if I am in love with him, I don't know him sober.... I mean he can be a really great guy sometimes, and when he is here he is a great father to our now 15 mo old twins. I love him and care a great deal about him. I want him to get better, but at this point I don't know if and when he is sober, will I even like him?! This sounds horrible I know but how am I supposed to know, and how am I supposed to move on from the past when the past isn't even 24hrs behind me, as far as I am concerned yesterday is part of the present. I really do try my hardest to make the best out of all of the drama and all of the things that are eating me up inside. I am just at a loss here, I don't know what to do. I part of me wants to leave. Maybe that could be his rock bottom, but I don't want to do that to him... without me in his life, he literally has no one. I could kick him out and he would for sure be crashing on some drug dealers floor doing god knows what to earn his keep. I am so scared, he thinks I hate him.... I don't as my handle says.... II HATE VICODIN.....
I am not looking for a solution, I know that every situation is different, I just want someone/anyone to read, to listen and offer any encouragement, advice or just your thoughts on our situation.
Once pregnant and knowing what was going on, I tried to bargain, tried to learn about this, tried everything... I threatening (which I know doesn't help), EVERYTHING. I was carrying his children inside of me, I didn't want to leave him but at the same time I am not sure why I didn't. I don't know him at all, atleast not sober. First he promised to quit before the kids were born..HA, I went into preterm labor 6 1/2 weeks early due to High blood pressure, I hadn't seen him in days and he had my car... I couldn't drive his, its a stick. He finally made it home in the middle of the night on a Tuesday, I had missed my apt with my reg OB the day before but had an apt with the specialist (since it was twins and I was quite underweight due to stress). I got in my car and drove to my apt, leaving him there asleep, he couldn't have taken me even if I could have woken up. Anyways, I get to my doc and explain how I had been feeling and they tell me I had been in labor for several days.... had severe high blood pressure and they couldn't believe I had driven there alone. I didn't know! Anyways I had to call his mother to go beat down the door so he wouldn't embarrass me by not making an appearance at the hospital, he was the last one there and I knew his mom had to of fed him a handful of vics before he came in. I had an emergency c-section with in 2 hours of my arrival. We spent a month in the hospital, they were so small. He was by my side for the most part, eating my pain meds... his mom would drop more off for him ofcourse everytime I ran out. Finally in Oct of 2007, after doing research forever, we found a local out patient clinic (HUGE MISTAKE), that was able to prescribe Suboxone. 2 days later we went to the beach with our kids and he convieniently went completely out of the way to meet someone his mom had sent to a clinic to get a whole script of vics for them to share.
I really have no idea how often he screws up now, he has had a lot of dental work done, convieniently, I mean he does have horrible teeth and just got all of his uppers pulled a few months ago and now has a denture which he claims is very painful. Right now we are in a really tough spot, I make virtualy no income working for his mother (ANOTHER HUGE MISTAKE on my part) and he really doesn't do anything. I pay for his suboxone and apparently his mom is still helping him get vics when he wants or needs. He needs help, help I can't give him... I try to be supportive but I am not going to condone his behaivior or respect it. He has one friend that is even worth talking to, all the rest are in some way connects to some form of drug. He of course blames all of our problems on me except for on the rare occasion that he comes home after being gone for a day and cries and admits to his problems. He needs more than an outpatient program, especially on that is also prescribing him Oxy or Norco when he says the suboxone isn't killing his pain (the pain that I don't think is there at all). I know that we need to get away from his mother, we are both looking for jobs, I have two kids to think about. We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, our only source of income is through his greatest enabeler. He wants me to move on from the past, THE PAST, he was gone all day yesterday down in the ghetto feening for something, away from us, his family. His excuse, we were fighting, but we weren't, he all the sudden made a huge deal about nothing and stormed out. I am sick and tired of all of this. But I don't want to leave him. I hope someone understands what I am about to say but I don't even know if I am in love with him, I don't know him sober.... I mean he can be a really great guy sometimes, and when he is here he is a great father to our now 15 mo old twins. I love him and care a great deal about him. I want him to get better, but at this point I don't know if and when he is sober, will I even like him?! This sounds horrible I know but how am I supposed to know, and how am I supposed to move on from the past when the past isn't even 24hrs behind me, as far as I am concerned yesterday is part of the present. I really do try my hardest to make the best out of all of the drama and all of the things that are eating me up inside. I am just at a loss here, I don't know what to do. I part of me wants to leave. Maybe that could be his rock bottom, but I don't want to do that to him... without me in his life, he literally has no one. I could kick him out and he would for sure be crashing on some drug dealers floor doing god knows what to earn his keep. I am so scared, he thinks I hate him.... I don't as my handle says.... II HATE VICODIN.....
I am not looking for a solution, I know that every situation is different, I just want someone/anyone to read, to listen and offer any encouragement, advice or just your thoughts on our situation.
I tried to "fix" my sons father for years. It does not work.They have to want it for themselves. I ended up wasting many years on this man solely because I wanted him to be there for his son. My son now is 12 and he knows all about my struggle with his father. He is currently STILL using. You have to do whats best for you and your babies, maybe that will be his wake up call and he'll want help......maybe he won't and then you'll see that and move forward. I'm truly sorry for what you and your children are going thru. Please do something now before it gets worse.
u know.....im reading thru these post about AA/NA meetings and going to them...and where they are..etc.
and, it go me thinking about my mom and dad and their divorce. he was and still is a severe alcoholic. and i remember when we were all in family counseling, the counselor said to my mom
"here's a list of alanon meetings in your area"
my mom took the paper and suddenly it was like she had this apifany and this light went off in her head....she was like
"no. i dont want to know where the meetings are. i gave 25 years of my life to him. im asking him to get help. and he wont. so why should i have to "LEARN" how to live with an alcoholic. that isnt fair to me. or my kids. "
needless to say, she filed for divorce.
and ironically, im with an addict now.
oh, the cycle...........
don't ever feel like u have to learn how to deal with an addict. u dont have to.
and, it go me thinking about my mom and dad and their divorce. he was and still is a severe alcoholic. and i remember when we were all in family counseling, the counselor said to my mom
"here's a list of alanon meetings in your area"
my mom took the paper and suddenly it was like she had this apifany and this light went off in her head....she was like
"no. i dont want to know where the meetings are. i gave 25 years of my life to him. im asking him to get help. and he wont. so why should i have to "LEARN" how to live with an alcoholic. that isnt fair to me. or my kids. "
needless to say, she filed for divorce.
and ironically, im with an addict now.
oh, the cycle...........
don't ever feel like u have to learn how to deal with an addict. u dont have to.
Have you tried seraching under Narcotics Anonymous? They have a chapter in Texas. My heart goes out to you and your family.
why do u want him to get clean? what about him taking the pills do u hate the most?
how does he treat u when he has pills vs does not have pills?
how does he treat u when he has pills vs does not have pills?
I am really only like this in this situation. I took time in writting all of my thoughts in the initial posting here, I wanted you all to really understand what I was saying, not just another general cry for help. I am a very strong person, and I do stand up to him at times, but he can be so mean... I just give up. When I stand up to him and tell him how I feel, what I want.... yeah he basically does tell me to accept him, I can't change him blah blah, and he thinks I just want my way all the time. I want the right way, for our family and yes, my way happends to be the right way.... well, it is! I have such a hard time sticking by what I say. I have gotten so mad lately I have told him to leave and begged him not to within a minute of eachother. I am so scared he will leave and lose the best things in his life...(not to toot my own horn) but I am the only one who is actually tying to help, yes it is unsuccesful but I do have his best interest at heart. And his kids are the sweetest things, they love daddy. I just can't image... I can't even talk....
his mom sounds like a pain in the freakin a$$.
u know what......if counseling and talking to someone makes u feel better then u do that! too bad what he says! seriously! vicodin makes him feel better so let a shrink make u feel better. im sorry but he is taking too much control. when i read ur post, u sound so fragile and delicate and like very soft spoken...thats my perception....
if u want counseling u go. who cares about what his mom says or what he says.
u know what ... if he is basically telling u that he takes vicodin and if ur gonna be with him then u need to accept that...then u tell him that ur going to counseling and going to meetings to help u cope with his addiction and if he wants to be with u then he needs to accept that.
u know what......if counseling and talking to someone makes u feel better then u do that! too bad what he says! seriously! vicodin makes him feel better so let a shrink make u feel better. im sorry but he is taking too much control. when i read ur post, u sound so fragile and delicate and like very soft spoken...thats my perception....
if u want counseling u go. who cares about what his mom says or what he says.
u know what ... if he is basically telling u that he takes vicodin and if ur gonna be with him then u need to accept that...then u tell him that ur going to counseling and going to meetings to help u cope with his addiction and if he wants to be with u then he needs to accept that.
I find a lot of online things pertaining to AA, but nothing specific to alanon NA, shouldn't I be seeking something specific to narcotics, I know addiction is addiction but there are many differences and I don't want to feel out of place.
I dont have the address but online suppprt groups are springing up daily. Toss it in your search engine and you should get a couple of hits.....
I am scared to go, honestly. I see my psychologist every few months to discuss my own medications, anxiety issues (go figure) and my Husband was so upset when I told him the first time that he had recomended I go. He just couldn't believe that I told him about our situation. I am an honest person and know that witholding information from your dotor isn't going to help anyone. Anyways, he got his mom to agree that it was stupid for me to even think about going. I don't want to make more problems, is there an alanon meeting that I could attend online or something. I know this sounds silly. But I don't want to set him off, he is very fragile lately. I feel like such a coward, damn!
hello!
i feel your pain. my boyfriend, whom i have a child with, is severly addicted to opiates as well...whereas, i am not.
it is soooooooo difficult to be with an addict if you are not one and unfortunately, it does NOT get any easier, ever. it actually gets worse because u will resent him, in time, for the loss of money, the lies, the deceit and manipulation. sometimes i look at my bf and have the most difficult love/hate thing going on with him. one thing i hate is we, as the non addicts, are suppose to "understand" where the addict is coming from and their pain of the addiction and withdrawl.....etc etc etc but yet, do they understand where we come from? do they "have to" understand and care that it hurts us and why we are upset.
my bf always says "oh, u always dwell on the past" and im like "wtf u talking about--the past was 6 minutes ago!!! haha. so i get what u are saying there too.
the only advice i can tell u is if he wants to get help, and if u love him, be there and be supportive.
if he doesnt want help and if you do not love him (like in love with him) then get out now before it gets harder and harder and harder.
feel free to PM me anytime..........
i feel your pain. my boyfriend, whom i have a child with, is severly addicted to opiates as well...whereas, i am not.
it is soooooooo difficult to be with an addict if you are not one and unfortunately, it does NOT get any easier, ever. it actually gets worse because u will resent him, in time, for the loss of money, the lies, the deceit and manipulation. sometimes i look at my bf and have the most difficult love/hate thing going on with him. one thing i hate is we, as the non addicts, are suppose to "understand" where the addict is coming from and their pain of the addiction and withdrawl.....etc etc etc but yet, do they understand where we come from? do they "have to" understand and care that it hurts us and why we are upset.
my bf always says "oh, u always dwell on the past" and im like "wtf u talking about--the past was 6 minutes ago!!! haha. so i get what u are saying there too.
the only advice i can tell u is if he wants to get help, and if u love him, be there and be supportive.
if he doesnt want help and if you do not love him (like in love with him) then get out now before it gets harder and harder and harder.
feel free to PM me anytime..........
Have you tried al-anon? There are tons of people out there going through what you are and they can help you also. Usually a local AA or NA number in the phone book can help you find an Al-Anon meeting. You are in a tough spot and I pray for you.
In reply to the question whether he wants help. Is there ever a clear view of that? He says all the time he wants to kick it, sometimes while he is currenlty high, I don't know what to believe. I really feel that he doesn't want to be a slave of the drug, this is actually something he told me once the first time I tried X, do the drug, don't let the drug do you. I sereiously believe that he thinks that there is a way for him to kick it and still be able to take it for a buz like a glass of wine or a couple beers. I know that this is not acceptable and without completely staying away from it he will still be right where he is. This is an on going battle and I am so scared.
snowflake620, I do believe I know what I have to do, but in no means how to accomplish it without feeling like a loser myself, I know I can't 'fix' him, Ever. But I don't want to raise these kids without their father, this is going to sound awful, but its not fair. Just because he wants to be a child he gets to just walk away from his family leaving me to raise two kids on one non exsistant income. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and wouldn't want to have them anywhere but by my side. I also know that they don't deserve to be around this.... I can't just leave, he will hate me even more.
snowflake620, I do believe I know what I have to do, but in no means how to accomplish it without feeling like a loser myself, I know I can't 'fix' him, Ever. But I don't want to raise these kids without their father, this is going to sound awful, but its not fair. Just because he wants to be a child he gets to just walk away from his family leaving me to raise two kids on one non exsistant income. Don't get me wrong, I love my girls and wouldn't want to have them anywhere but by my side. I also know that they don't deserve to be around this.... I can't just leave, he will hate me even more.
i am sorry for all you are going through like the others said unless he wants help there is no help for him but you on the other hand have a choice to make not just for yourself but for the babies as well fighting screaming and arguing with him is not the answer,it sounds like you know what needs to be done but are afraid you will be letting him down you wont be letting him down by leaving you will be letting him down by staying, by staying you are enabeling him to continue his horrible behavior towards you and eventually towards the babies,by staying he will continue to blame you for the problems because in an addicts mind they are never wrong everyone else is that is how they justify their behaviour your not going to be able to save him but you can save yourself and the babies and you all deserve better take care of your self and the kids first
Your story touched me deeply and I am sorry for all you have had to go through. It is hard for me to say what the next step is although I can say it seems like if he is every to get better he has to disentangle himself from his drug addict mother. I dont know what kind of work you do but if it possible to find a job that isnt with her that would probably help too. One thing I am not sure about - does he really want to get better? I know you want it for him and your family but it is so hard unless the person themselves want it. You know it took all sorts of horrors for me to finally want to stop and I have parents that never touched drugs and always begged me to get help. I cant imagine what it must be like for someone whose own mother is feeding their habit. No wonder he continues to use, Either way I wish you the best and I hope to read a post from you in the future that says he is getting the help he needs.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I read your story and i am really sorry for what you are going thru. Addiction affects the whole family. There are some on here who have family members who are addicts and hopefully they will be on tonight or in the morning. I do know until he is ready to quit life will continue to spiral out of control. Make sure you take care of yourself and those babies. I hope you stay on the forum. You wont be alone here. sara
I surely dont have the answer for you - but i did read your story and you do have my full and total sympathy....We addicts arent very good at respecting others feelings when we are on a roll. Or anytime for that matter I suppose. You are in a hard situation and I commend you for making this decision to try and understand instead of just walking away...and you are totally right in choosing your handle.....When I found a Doc that would prescribe me what I asked for I thought I was in heaven. Little did I realize that I was actually in vico -he ll ...... try and go to meetings for support - or stay on your computer and talk to us here.....you wont find people here that do not understand exactly where you are coming from. Some of us are either fighting an addiction or currently are quiting one - and a few brave souls are here trying to figure out what has happenned to the people they love. There are people here to listen. People here to give advice. And people that just want to help someone......its really quite a good group...best of luck to you and stick with us - maybe someone can come up with some advice or help for you ---- you deserve it!
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