Hi I'm back AGAIN! I just want to stop!

[sodonemom]

I have no success, I just keep going back to the Percs. I know I need to cut all access, but it's everywhere and by day 2 I cave from the incredible WD. I can't just go to bed for a week. I have children and I am alone in this. No support. I wish so hard for my kids sake and mine that this could just be over. You all know the reasons why, lies, sneeking, money, bills, on and on. I am really so done so why can't I just do it? Just jump and not look back?

[sodonemom]

I am overwhelmed with the amazing amount of support and wisdom found here. I would love to stay and read and post and detox. But life is happening so thank you for all your words, they really help. I will try to post more.

Gnarly you are right. Thank you.

I will surely read all these posts over and over they help me so much. Thank you doesn't seem like enough but what else can I say.

[sodonemom]

Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with me I don't know why but hearing how others beat the worst is so inspiring. Good luck to you and us all.

[sodonemom]

I'm sorry. I'm trying. Thanks for being here. How are you?

[pinkgirl73]

* meant to say I have 2 kids...whoops...lol

[pinkgirl73]

I feel for you.  its very hard.   these ppl are right.  u HAVE to change your surroundings because they are triggers.  a few yrs ago I was on percs too, along with 2 bottles of wine per night, ativan, and tramadol.  all at the same time, for years.  my boss actually was my supplier for the percs.  for years I tried to quit but I still had my job and saw my boss so I couldn't do it.   finally I quit my job, to get away from it but that didn't work cuz I still talked to my boss and wanted pills.  as long as I was in contact with him I still got the pills.  so a yr after I quit the job I was still getting 8 percs from him per day and doing all the other substances I mentioned above.  finally I got so sick of the lying, sneaking, being sick and tired everyday...that I started to send my boss text msgs saying that I was really my husband and threatening to tell his family that he was giving "my wife" pills.  so my fake texts scared him so badly that he didn't want to talk to me ever again.  the point is...that if your lifestyle is the same, its very hard to stop.  u hafta figure out a way to change ur triggers.  can u go to rehab for 30 days at least?  once ur head is clear and ur medically sound u may be able to figure out something as far as staying clean afterwards, such as moving, etc.  I had to withdraw from about 10 percs a day, but I was on another weaker pain med and that helped...but now I am going thru a hell getting off of that one.  I weaned myself off of the ativan also, which took for months.  u can do this.  u just need the skills and the tools.  I also have 3 children and its very hard to juggle being an addict and having a family, job, etc.  there are no old drug addicts.  but you can do this.  there is a way some how.  just keep telling yourself that and keep being real with yourself.  I am off all drugs except this tramadol and I have been where you are and its awful.  Just keep coming here for support.  there are a lot of smart and experienced ppl here.

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well I have been reading your post and you sound like your ready to do this  ''the desire to get clean must excide the desire to get high'' once your there you got a fighting chance  is it ez no but it is doable I say this a lot but ''you just got to be ok without being ok for a wile you CAN do this and we will help as for being alone that is scarey place for any addict every time I here that I think of how alone I was wile using The key here is you dont have to do this alone google a N/A meeting near you and go you will be welcome with a hug and you only need the desire to get clean you dont have to be clean to join there when you share you will be around people that understand what your going threw there is nothing that can replace human iteration and one addict helping another is without parallel so step out of your comfort zone and get to a meeting  it take 4 meeting for me a week but it is a cheep price to pay to remain clean keep posting for support we all want to see you get clean................................Gnarly............................................

[Jinx_777]

i just kicked fentanyl 50 mcg 16 days ago and thursday i decided it was time for me to stop the percs too.  the withdrawals have not been too bad, but maybe that is because i just went through hell with the fentanyl?  i don't know, but i do know that no matter how much pain i am in, it is not worth living with these pills.  
you CAN stop it if you really want it.  you just have to make the decision you are done.  it has A LOT to do with your attitude and if you keep telling yourself that you cannot do it or are afraid of wd's, etc, then you won't be able to do it.  

[lulu747]

Awe honey it breaks my heart to read this post and hear that you are still struggling with this.  I have been thinking about you and I'm glad you posted.  Please follow the stellar advice that was given to you above.  You need to end this- NOW.  For you and for your children.  Your life is worth so much more than this.  You need to believe in yourself.  Stop looking at all reasons you can't do this and start coming up with a plan that makes it so you CAN do this.  Because you CAN.  There is always a way, you just have to find it.
Because, baby you are WORTH it, and your life is WORTH it.
I believe in you and am here to support you....
Lu

[onthefence]

you can do it, ppl do it everyday and stay clean, and change lifestyle.
i know that when i needed pills or any substance that would make me not sick and escape i found a way to get it, didn't matter if i was broke, and losin everything. even back when i had little kids they didnt matter, only getting what i wanted did, (addiction and selfcenterdness go together)but my addicted brain thought i was a good parent because i kept them safe and clothed and even bought them what they wanted when the times were good.
i now know what i thought i hid from them they knew, and it did effect them.

it is all a process, and it is hard work but definitely can be done, it starts with goin thru detox and the sickness, and then changing the way we think by re learning how to react to things and perceive things and opening up of mind and self, letting go of trying to control and manipulate the way we feel, (surrender) and learning to take things as they come and not over react or under react , having balance. setting boundaries and being proactive about protecting our sobriety. sobriety isnt just not using or drinking it is a way to live, think , and feel. and with it for me has come the best feeling ever, better than the false & temporary feeling good that drugs and alcohol brought.

my advice to you would  be put the motivation you use into getting enough pills consistently to not feel w/d, into finding a way to take a week and get thru the first part of the process, then start choosing freedom by using the aftercare of your choice, aa/na counseling, therapy, support group, or a combination of them, change your life by changing the people in it and your thinking, and actions. we are what we think about.
alot of ppl think they will lose their job or dont want or cant find someone to watch kids, or will lose home etc, but they don't realize that they may anyway if they keep using because it is such a progressive disease, it takes you down w/out you realizing it. the other thing is even if a coveted job is lost or bills dont get paid etc, look what you gain by starting the process, you are in  a much better place  emotionally and physically to begin over.
i hope you begin your detox soon, you can do it.....

[sodonemom]

Thank you both.

Your words are painfully profound to me. I know the kids care a great distraction, ( 6 and 9 yr old boys) and yep I think I know what to do. I do not know for sure if I can get through it but hearing others that have done it say its possible really, really helps.

Thank you so much.

[jugglin]

I ditto Merri.  You have been here long enough to know the drill. You know what you need to change. I get it, I went thru wd's  with three kiddos at home. It was not easy, but ultimately they gave me the reason to get off the couch, to keep moving (in between bathroom breaks).  They actually helped keep my brain distracted which is key in wd's. Taking care of them actually was an advantage for me personally - yes it sucked but kept me going.
You can do this girl!  You CAN!  I a no better than u...I am not stronger that you. I promise u that if I can do this so can you.
Keep fighting for you!  Get back in the saddle girl.  
Prayers and hugs to you!

[Merri123]

Because the wds are really hard. Makes functioning hard.

You just have to do it. Delete and block those numbers and emails. Move if it is convenient. Start going to AA or NA meetings. Get a sponsor. Read the Big Book. Pray. Part hard. Nice hot baths and showers. Keep miving and keep busy. Exercise. It all helps. And keep the positive mind set. YOU CAN DO THIS. Try try again.

Thomas Recipe (minus the Valium etc) or Larry's Recipe help. Calcium helps.

How old are your kids?