Relapse......???

[OxyDout]

I recently, a couple of days ago had bought 40mg of oxycontin after my detox of about 10 days, I seem to go back and forth with this, I can never get passed the 3rd day without oxy or methadone, I usually use methadone for a few days and it works well for me, I never use more then 5mg in a day, its just enough to hold me until the next day, although its still painful it keeps me from going to buy any oxy.  Anyway, I used about 3mg of methadone yesterday and 3 this morning, but it doesn't do much since its not the physical withdrawal anymore, its the mental game and I can't get passed it.  I watched 28 days again last night, anyone seen that movie?? its a good one, it fits well with what I'm going through.  
My other question is.... Is it normal to have emotional relapses for a loved one who has died.  I keep going through these deep but short depressive states for a friend who died on sept. 11th, he was my roommate and a best friend for the last 3-4 years. If anyone has any input or any reaction at all, that would be great.

GWH

[JR.]

I am just beside myself to hear that you are totally digesting your sobriety. Not only that, but you KNOW IT! Praise Him!. I missed you and all of the other friends on this forum as well. Thank you for the kind words. What I have is not mine but for all of you. That is the great thing about this forum. We all are giving of ourselves.

You see, I truly believe, as I look back in retrospect, that we were so engulfed in ourselves that this self-centrism almost brought us to our destruction. It certainly fed the addiction and I do firmly believe this. I too, believe that I tried to hide from the reality of what I was exposed to over the years. Maybe sometime I will tell you about some of them. Not here though. This place is for healing. I found that the vics help me deal with the issues of day to day exposure. What a crock! All they did was set me up for the greatest fall I've taken to date and hope never will again.

As far as your psych. getting upset, I am sorry that this happened. If she was righteous in doing so then take it to heart. Like you said, she does prescribe other meds to you and there is an element of trust involved for her being able to help you. You know all of this so I won't beat a dead horse. If she is helping you, then by all means, cooperate. But I will add this. You just continue to look to the Author and Finisher of our faith. The Alpha and the Omega. He is our beginning and will be our end as well.

I am here for you if not physically( well at least on this forum) then you are surrounded by ministering angels daily. I am always with you in spirit/prayers. I continually pray for everyone on this forum. I pray for clarity, sanity, healing (spiritually, mentally and physically)and the knowledge of true life in sobriety. Let's make that a daily trek, OK? Keep your eyes on the mark. "Know you not that all who run, run for the prize, but only one receives the prize. So run as if to receive the prize." Also remember: "A man's eyes are never satisfied so hell is never full." Pretty profound wouldn't you say?

In His Love, JR.~

[JR.]

I read your posts about being a christian and being an addict. You need to know as I had to be reminded, that we are still in this world and we, as human beings, are still fallible, still exposed to the same things that any other human on this earth is exposed to. I too, am a christian and went through 12 years of vicodin addiction as a christian. I don't use the word Christian loosely. It's not that we are exempt from any of the trials of this world. We make decisions day to day that either enhance our lives or adversly affect our lives. We are no different than anyone else. The term "Christian" does not imply perfection only forgiven. I am now at 290 days clean and I love every minute of it. Man, you could give me a bottle of 30 vics and they were gone in 10 hrs. That was nothing. Like Stars commented on in her posts,(Hi Stars, drop me a line)I loved my pills, hated the addiction after awhile but I loved my pills. I also hated the consequences that they brought into my life. Now I see clearly. There is so much wisdom, learned wisdom on this forum. You just settle in each day and take time to read the successes. Each day clean is a success and a preparation for the next day of challenge and success. It only comes one day at a time. We are here for you. I have been out of pocket for a few days and am here until Sunday. Please ask questions. There is an answer out here that you will find. Now I will say HI to Unwise, Ketta!, Witchywoman, Skipper and anyone else that I may have forgotten. You guys are the greatest. To echo Stars, I Know Whom I have Believed. Jesus Christ.

In His Love, JR.~

[stars]

Hey you!!!!!  totally have missed you.  day 15 today....  and i praise God!  i can't even remember the last time i felt this good.  its so awesome...  you are so right about everything being so clear.  i almost feel as though i have been asleep for years.  feels good to laugh so hard you have to pull over to the side of the road.  that is really who i am!  the hard part for me that the reality of all the physical and emotional abuse that i had taken from my boss is all coming to light..  i know that the Vicodin was my escape...  i was numb, i was able to sleep, i just didnt care.  not to mention the fact that he (my boss) made me feel so worthless, so my lil pills made me feel so much better!!  so i thought...  but anyway, i am standing firm in my sobriety, allowing God our Father to pave my way, so i may walk His walk....  He will see me through this...  i did have one disappointing thing happen this past week JR, where i went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (she is helping deal with my depression from my situation at work) anyway...  i told her about the abuse of my Vicodin and she wasnt real happy with me.  in fact she made me feel as though i was a criminal and told me that i needed to get random drug testing and needed to find some type of NA group.  i can understand her being upset, due to the fact that she prescribes my anti-depressents, but i am not one who takes orders such as thoses very easily, because "I" know my heart and my soul, and "I" know the personal hell of "MY" addiction, i feel as her asking me to do these things will just be a negitive reminder of what has been taken from me through Gods grace.  i hope you have some insight for me JR...  i knew that the days ahead were going to be rough and i welcome every trial with open eyes and with the mind of a women who is free from her addiction. i cant wait to hear from you...  you have been of such great support to these message boards..  we are lucky to have you!  i surround you and everyone on here with love and prayers....  prayers of strenght and peace!  write soon!  because He Lives....  stars....

[stars]

Hey you!!!!!  totally have missed you.  day 15 today....  and i praise God!  i can't even remember the last time i felt this good.  its so awesome...  you are so right about everything being so clear.  i almost feel as though i have been asleep for years.  feels good to laugh so hard you have to pull over to the side of the road.  that is really who i am!  the hard part for me that the reality of all the physical and emotional abuse that i had taken from my boss is all coming to light..  i know that the Vicodin was my escape...  i was numb, i was able to sleep, i just didnt care.  not to mention the fact that he (my boss) made me feel so worthless, so my lil pills made me feel so much better!!  so i thought...  but anyway, i am standing firm in my sobriety, allowing God our Father to pave my way, so i may walk His walk....  He will see me through this...  i did have one disappointing thing happen this past week JR, where i went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday (she is helping deal with my depression from my situation at work) anyway...  i told her about the abuse of my Vicodin and she wasnt real happy with me.  in fact she made me feel as though i was a criminal and told me that i needed to get random drug testing and needed to find some type of NA group.  i can understand her being upset, due to the fact that she prescribes my anti-depressents, but i am not one who takes orders such as thoses very easily, because "I" know my heart and my soul, and "I" know the personal hell of "MY" addiction, i feel as her asking me to do these things will just be a negitive reminder of what has been taken from me through Gods grace.  i hope you have some insight for me JR...  i knew that the days ahead were going to be rough and i welcome every trial with open eyes and with the mind of a women who is free from her addiction. i cant wait to hear from you...  you have been of such great support to these message boards..  we are lucky to have you!  i surround you and everyone on here with love and prayers....  prayers of strenght and peace!  write soon!  because He Lives....  stars....

[Unwise]

I think you misinterpreted me.  I only meant that I, personally, have beaten the subject of God and religion to death on these threads of late.  I didn't mean to imply that you had done so, and I certainly do not denigrate your beliefs.  It's just that we (all of us) seem to go round and round sometimes, and just as the classic saying goes, "Never argue about politics or religion," I felt that I had pretty much said all I had to say and was beating a dead horse.  I didn't want to rehash what I had already said, that's all I meant.  I in no way meant to imply that your belief system is not worthy of discussion, nor would I ever attempt to censure you for speaking out on it.  Certainly the topic of God and religion will never run out of fuel for debate, and all I meant in my post was that I think I had made myself clear and didn't want to be redundant.  And that I had run out of fuel for the time being. Perhaps my choice of words was poor if it caused you any grief by misinterpreting my true intent I apologize.  I hope you understand what I meant and that I have made myself a little more clear this time around.  

Peace to you too.

[Unwise]

Thank you, stars.  Your faith is a beautiful thing and I appreciate the fact that you do not try to ram religion down people's throats.  From my experience, that's a surefire way to get them to reject it wholesale.  As you said, it is a personal decision.  For me it has been a long road of introspection that finally led me to what I believe in.  And I do believe.  I have a concept of god with which I am very comfortable, but it is not a god that I can ask for help or who guides me.  It is not the god of organized religion, dogma, or judgement.  It is not an entity who watches out for me or anyone else, who bestows fortune on some and misery on others.  For what it's worth and for whoever is curious, my "god" (I use that term loosely) is merely the miracle of this existence, of the universe and all its inexplicable marvels.  It is the bittersweet mystery of this life.  God, to me, is us, all of us.  And this earth is either heaven or hell, depending on what we make of it, how we treat each other, and how others treat us.  So we are all capable of being angels or devils and most of us are a little of both.  I believe we each have the power to make our world and our lives a better.  Finding that power is the hard part, though it is easier for those like you who have faith in a divine being capable of helping you along that path.  Good for you.  I envy that faith, in a way, and am very happy for you and the goodness it has brought into your life, which you have shared with all of us.  In that way, you have also brought me hope in your own unique way.  Indeed, the Lord works in mysterious ways.