Relapsed

[Overwhelmed10]

Its with a heavy heart and great shame that I write this.  Yesterday a whirlwind of events led me to take a percocet, and I'm back where I began.  I fear I may just not be strong enough to do this.  I feel so awful, all the wonderful people on here helping me, encouraging me, giving me advice and support-all for me to go and mess it all up.  I did realize yesterday having my husband home during such a rough day did not help.  Not going to blame him-I FULLY BLAME ME for my decisions to put that pill in my mouth.  I was telling him over and over how I had the "flu", didn't feel well, and yesterday I really felt like crap.  Yet he could not help me with my daughter because the super bowl and its 24 hour build up programming (eye roll) was more important.  I am the only one that changes diapers, am trying to potty train her(unsuccessfully :( )  I am the only one that does any sort of housework whatsoever.  I am the one that cares for our 3 rescue dogs and cat, that we have had long before my daughter arrived.  He is a slob and I am a bit OCD, so thats always been an issue.  The house right now looks like a tornado hit.  I know I need to let that sh## go, but I have a very hard time having a messy home, as ridiculous as it sounds, I cannot function like that.  I had to bathe my sweet baby-he has never bathed her once her entire life.  I was looking for marker tops she had thrown somewhere-yes the idiot gave her markers!!! And God forbid I got in the way of the TV and was  asking too many questions about where she put the marker tops and he snaps at me big time.  So I have tears in my eyes, but I'm stil not giving in at this point.  I got the bedroom and start reading my Deepak Chopra book that I've found comforting( in tryingh to deal with my father's situation), and phone rings, its my mom.  She had went to see my Dad, (they have been divorced for 32 years but are still "family.")  He can barely see now.  He just got over a bug that almost killed him, he was given 2-3 months to live (bone cancer) and now he is losing his vision!  Can this man get a break?  This sweet sweet simple country man, full of love, can he get a damn break? ??  Last time I was up I had taken him to get a new hearing aid and new glasses.  They said he had growths (thats not the word----I cant think of the word now darnit) but he had something growing behind his eyes.  But because of his terminal condition, his oncologist said theres nothing to be done.  Ya know when you are terminal it seems you are "done" and nobody in the medical field gives a freaking crap about you.  So I get off phone and I bawl, hubby asks whats going on and I tell him and his response, "Theres no reason something should be wrong with his eyes."  Ummm ok idiot, thanks for ....that.  Then my sister had apparently gotten same news and she starts texting about how Dad will need to go into a nursing home-the ONE thing my father has always begged us not to do.  I'm not doing that!  I said no he can come stay with me and we will get him a hospice nurse set up here.  I will care for him.  It would be great if my sister, who is older than me, has grown children out of the house, owns a LARGE home, does not work, husband is out of town working for weeks at a time, makes great $-would be great if she offered to take him in.  But hell no-thats too much to ask.  So I will-in our tiny 3 bedroom ranch, one bathroom, on a tight budget.  But I will do it.  Then questions "what are you doing about this, have you called hospice about that?  More questions about Dad's money-because I'm sure she will show up for that in the end!  I'm just appalled with her. I'm so hurt for my Dad and she doesn't give a crap, unless it has to do with his money nor property.  I have done ALL the footwork, getting his hospice set up, dr appointments, having him sign power of attorneys and ask about wills-things I DID NOT want to do and that were very UNPLEASANT for me to do, but I was only one doing it.  Then I have no support at home.  The pressure has been enormous..I see my husband for who he really is, and I REMEMBER this was who he always was.  My drugged up mind lied to me and helped me deal with him and I actually thought things were in a better place!  Isn't that crazy?  No girl-you were just HIGH!!!  He's still an a**!  So somewhere throughout this I took a pill.  And the odd thing?  It gave me a damn headache!  A very dull headache at base of my neck.  Then about an hour after, I got SEVERE anxiety.  I hid in the bathroom and cried and cried.  I felt like I needed to get medical care, I have never felt so anxious ever.  I feel like the percocet had a very strange negative affect on me.  So I take a klonnoppin, which I dont care for, IDK why, they just dont make me feel better.  I have them prescribed since I had bad depression and anxiety after my daughter was born, but I only take them now when I absolutely need them.  After I took one I waited, and it did help a bit, but not enough.  SO I took another.  And you would think my tolerance would be low as I'm not a regular user of those.  But 2 did bring me to a calm.  I took my daughter into the bed and we read books and stories and let my husband have the living room to himself.  Her and I fell asleep and he must have came in and saw and ended up sleeping on sofa,  which was fine with me.  My little sweet angel wrapped her arms around my head and said "I love you Mommy", something she rarely rarely says.  And it felt so good.  If it were not for her, I would not survive any of this.  I'm obviously not doing a good job, but sometimes I wonder if I could keep it together AT ALL if it weren't for being her mommy.  I know I have to be here for her.  She is my everything.  Other than that my life is full of pain, a disrespectful husband, watching my father die and suffer.  My mother whom I love and I know loves me-a great person-but she herself is married to an alcoholic, so its hard for me to stay with her for long lengths of time.  I can only handle being there so long..I am coming to realize any friends I had in this state are not "real" friends.  If I'm not out drinking and partying, then I don't hear from them.  Honestly I'd rather not at this point.  Still lonely feeling though.
Long post.  Sorry I am feeling sorry for myself.  Im a big huge failure.  I'm attempting to start over today, but I'm finding it hard to recover like this and take care of me when I can't get any help from my significant other.  Im so tired of living this lie-this big fat farce.  On outside we look like we are such a great couple-everything is just fab.  What a lie.  If everyone knew the truth.  I don't even feel like I deserve to be on this forum anymore with these strong people that have overcome, are overcoming.  And here I am.  What a freaking loser.  I'm sorry I wasted your time.  Especially some of you that just encouraged me so every day.  To let you all down....I almost decided to just not log on here again. But I needed to get the truth out.  I'm so sorry.  Except for my child I'm not seeing anything beautiful in this world anymore.  Its all just pain and more pain.  

My Dad just called me.  I'm bawling.  He sounds so weak.  I need to get up there this week.  I cannot sop crying.  I dont want to lose him.  Why is everything like this?  Why!!

[Rekovrd]

Don't give up on your decision to stay clean over one pill! You can do this and taking that pill doesn't mean you can't do it,just that it might b tougher then you expected when stress hits you hard.you can learn from this and be able to recognize a weak moment and find ways to stop it from making you use.  Good luck.
TaKE CaRE

[blotout]

you may think we are all strong, but i can tell you i bet 75% of the ppl on here are trying just like you, i hate to hear about your dad and your husband, ive found everything and everyone gets on my nerves when withdrawling, you feel like hell and it seems like nobody cares, just keep trying, you can never truely be a failure until you quit trying, i was on this forum a few years ago and did the exact same thing, i felt like duch a let down to all these ppl i deleted my account and went on a bing for a few months, so dont think your alone, everyone on here has been through it or is going through it, opiates are very hard to conquer, sometimes it takes a few tries, you cant let your mind convince you to take pills, in this long message youve typed i see so many life situations that would make a addicts mind scream for pills, personally i think your tough, i probably wouldve took 6 or 7 percocet 10's, so i dont think 1 5mg is goin to matter just keep moving forward without pills, dont make 1 mistake a thousand, GOOD LUCK!!!

[Pat1956100]

Oh Sweety, I am so sorry for everything you are going through.  It is so hard and my heart breaks for your dad.  Life really isn't fair sometimes and we don't know why bad things happen to good people.  I wish I knew the answer to that.  I have asked that question, many, many times.

Please don't worry about taking the pill.  Almost all of us here have relapsed and have felt the devastation after doing it.  It takes a lot of strength to admit it.  You are stronger than you think.

Just continue on and you should start to feel better soon.  Your mind will begin to get clearer and you will be able to make better decisions about your life.  You can also make plans for a better life.  You don't have to stay with him forever.  It sounds like you have to for now but once your free of pills you will be so much stronger and come up with a good plan for your future.

Your main priority right now is getting clean and staying clean.  You can do this.  1 pill isn't going to set you back much.  Just forget about it and carry on.  
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

P.S.  I have relapsed more times than I can count.

[ricart70]

I have relapsed alot and I am very sorry for your situation.Don't be so hard on yourself.You have a lot going on.

Here is the one question I do have for you.Why is there pills in your house still?? This makes it immensely harder on your resolve to quit.Get rid of them and keep trying

[weaver71]

Hey, if getting off drugs was easy, there wouldn't be a forum full of people who have relapse as part of their story. A woman in my meetings relapsed after 14 yrs, you're doing fine. Give yourself a break, you have enough going on without judging yourself. I went through relapse after relapse for 2 1/2 yrs, and that's a short time compared to some folks around here. I'm not saying relapse is a requirement or everyone does it, but opiates lend themselves to it. It's easy to see how drugs are a symptom of all the other issues in life that need to be dealt with. Don't worry about those things, just read Deepock and relax as much as you can. You will get through this and your head will be so much more clear, then you can get into aftercare and work on solving those issues that push you to use. I started AA and counseling before I detoxed, I needed the support after so many failures. My life is reaching a point that surpasses my expectations. Miracles are happening in my life and I don't dread nor fear the future, but look forward to what is coming next, especially on the bad days. I cried like I have never cried since I quit, I think it helps. I finally starting laughing too. Balance will come. Failure is giving up on trying. Progress over perfection, you're closer than you where a month ago right? Be proud of how far you have come, you are moving in the right direction. You have a lot to look forward to. You'll make it, keep adjusting your recovery one day at a time. Freedom is right around the corner.

[FourJays]

You are NOT a loser, and you absolutely DO deserve to be on this forum.  Relapse is SO often a part of the process (it was for me - a few times).  And OMG the things you are dealing with - it does truly seem unfair, but you can get through it.  And your chances of doing so are much better with a clean and clear mind than a drug fogged one.  Nothing worth having is ever easy to get in my opinion.  You only took one pill???  Put it past you and move on - you have a baby needs you to be strong.  You will get through this - one day at a time.  

And the pills - can you just get rid of them so this cant happen again?  If I had any within my reach I would never be able to get clean.  Good luck and try not to worry about the messy house and that stuff.  YOU need a clear head to deal with other things that are much more important right now.  Good luck to you and keep posting.
Julie

[YesLife4Me]

Hey, you are only a few days into your detox and recovery, so don't be so hard on yourself.   It takes a long time to change our habits and ways of coping with life.  I too am going to say that if you have any pills in the house you need to get rid of them.   Having them around or access to them is setting yourself up to relapse.   You can't take what you don't have, right?    If you don't have them or access to them, you find out how strong you really are because you are forced to deal with things as they come at you.   I know it's hard.   This is by far the hardest thing you will ever do for yourself and add on top of that the stress you are dealing with.   As blotout said, the majority of us on here are dealing with some kind of varying stressful life events.   We as addicts used pills as an escape.   Using pills is just no longer an option.   I myself have lost count of how many times I had relapsed.   And funny thing is, like you, there were times that I took just one and felt even worse!    We get that cr*p out of our systems and then put it back in and realize that we had built such a tolerance to it that we didn't even realize how sick it was making us.   You are human..and an addict.  What a lovely combination!!   ;)   LOL!    Just pick yourself up and keep going.   Live in the moment and take it moment to moment.   It's going to be ok.  

[Marlatt07]

Stay strong! Infighting the same feelings! It ***** *** I'm sorry about your father also):

[hope4good]

My husband is the same way.  That is one of my main triggers.  Maybe you should talk about it.  Also I am so sorry about your dad.  Do you go to AA, NA or couseling?  I am true believer in all of those.  That way you have someone to talk to and help you get through the urge to take a pill.  Don't feel bad about your self.  You have already took the first step by admitting you have a problem.  I hope you feel better mentally and physically.

[Andie015]

I am do sorry for all you are going through...detox is terrible even in the best of situations. There is no one on this forum who is better than anyone else. Don't worry about others clean time...honestly that has nothing to do with your clean time or the struggles you are facing. To have an unsupportive husband who does nothing to help just adds un needed pressure on you and it's just too bad you don't have that much needed support and I'm so sorry about your father. Don't worry about anyone else like your sister right now...just do what you feel you need to do to help your father and yourself. In the end you will be comforted by the thought that you were there to help him and make his final months full of love and comfort. You seem like an excellent mother and daughter... Take comfort in the fact that you are a good person and a human being...who makes mistakes like everyone else. Now is not the time to beat yourself up...you have so many reasons to stay strong now and one slip up does not define you. What you need to do is take a long hard look at your life and decide how to make it better for yourself and your daughter because those are the two most important people to get clean for. Good luck with all you are going through...I really feel for you...

[kkcopacetic]

Try not to beat yourself up so much......after all, all you did is act normally for an addict.....using is what is normal behaviour for us. Being clean, thats what is out of charactor for us. Hence, the miracle.....just get up, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. Oh yeah, im definately a chronic relapser......its not the end of the world, much as it may seem like it..............kk

[Overwhelmed10]

Thanks for all the kind words.  What a wonderful group of people.  So far today I completely bit**** my husband out, cried forever, lay on sofa, and then my father's hospice nurse called.  She actually was returning my call-I had called about my fathers terrible vision problems. He suddenly can barely see off and on.   I should maybe get on some cancer boards here, because his chemo has completely EFFED up a lot of things about his health.  Except kill any of the cancer.  Sorry I'm bitter.  :(  And I pushed him to have it, and he wasn't all for it, and now he has a hundred more problems than he originally did.  Well she said my sister and I need a plan because its slowly getting clear every week that things are "changing" and he will need 24 hour care at some point.  Well I assured her, he is welcome and wanted in my home.  She told me the sooner I can talk him into coming while healthy the better.  That if he goes down rapidly he will be too ill to take the 6 hour ride.  He doesn't want to come now because he feels he is ok at home-sigh.  He has hospice 4 times a week, then family the rest.  Ok to cut this long story short, he told his nurse he feels he will live through summer but not make it until the end of the year.  This is killing me inside, and outside.  I'm a wreck.  The clonnopin are barely touching the anxiety-isn't that strange since my body is clean from benzos except for those?  And I havent taken them on a regular basis even, just the last few days, and they are barely helping me.  I've not taken anymore percocet-I'm afraid of the anxiety that one brought on-although I am feeling the wd's.  I'm in so much pain physically from my emotions its all blending together now anyways.  I need some relief because I have to get my sh** together, pack me and my daughter up and drive the 6 hours to my dad's sooner than later.  I need to sit and talk to him about seriously considering coming to my home.  Then I informed previously bitched out hubby that my dad will be coming here, (we had talked about this prior)or baby and I will be going there eventually when he cannot be alone, and he has the option of coming up there to see us on weekends.  I understand either way, I really do.  Bringing an ailing father in law into our small home is not expected to be easyon him, or any of us frankly.  But for me its the only choice.  Dont get me wrong, I am scared, nervous, full of "what ifs", but if Iook  back after he is gone and didn't even TRY -omg I couldnt live with myself.  He's my dad no matter what, not to be cast aside.  
I am so depressed I'm physically weaker today than ever.  I've not changed out of my pj's and I need a shower.  I feel yucky.  I called my mom and broke down.  I came close to telling her about the percocet, but I just couldn't do it yet.  I physically cannot even get myself to start doing the things I need to do, laundry, folding, packing, so I can get up to my dad already!  I just sit and stare at the tv or cuddle with my lil girl.  I decided I need to get in with my psychiatrist ASAP,I need help with coping about my dad.  Honestly I dont know if I will tell him about my addiction yet.  But something inside me feels like everything is falling apart and I feel like its going to come out -and soon, to someone.  Maybe even my husband.  Hiding it is just not working.  And to all that asked why I kept the pills-ya know what-I guess I need to be honest with myself even-obviously part of me wasn't really ready to give it all I got-because I am a smart woman-why in the HECK would I keep a full bottle in my drawer.  The original reason I was prescribed them is because I sometimes get break through migraines that would not respond to sumatriptan or any non-narcotic, and I'd end up in the ER after a 4-5 day excruciating headache.  For emergencies.  Not what I've been using them for, other pains and aches, but then the need to use or I'd be sick like I am now.  I was afraid I'd be too sick.  I think too much is going on with me and its going to explode.  I just don't think I can keep this charade up much more-even in front of my husband.  Somethings gotta give.  The pressure is too much.  I think I need a family member to know soon...called and I got in with my psychiatrist tomorow morning at 9.  I need help in coping.  I literally sit here and can't do one thing but sit.  I simply cannot accept my dad is going to die.  HE has accepted it, yet behind his back I'm crying until I puke over it. I'm not positive, but I think its all too much to keep inside anymore.  I need help.  This isn't just me, I need to be healthy for my baby girl.  I need to be healthy to help my dad.  I'm a complete emotional wreck right now.  I hope tomorrow the dr can help me.  Thanks for listening to my long post again.  You guys are angels for taking time to listen and advice-many times repeatedly.  If the whole world was like that-wow what a beautiful world that would be...

[Miss_Creative]

You are a good and caring person... how lucky your father and daughter are to have you. There's is NOTHING quite like the stress of an ailing parent and sibling conflicts. I saw the pressure it put on my mother... her brother-in-law would have the audacity of talking about how to split up the valuable farm land, when this sweet man was dying in front of them. It broke my mom's heart and consumed her thoughts everyday. It was so negative... but after putting her father in hospice, in a home... and visiting him everyday - she found peace with God with him. The anger and stress... it went away, she turned into the caregiver she was born to be. You are a loving caregiver and you are going to feel such love helping your Dad. You are going to feel so much pain as you see him suffer. But he gave you life, and you are going to be their for him when he needs you most. What a BEAUTIFUL gift you are giving this man who use to hold you in his arms when you were a little girl. It's such a wonderful thing. If anything, I feel sorry for your sister... because when this is behind you and he is at peace. You will be at peace too. Your sister will not be at peace... she will regret not opening her heart as you have yours. Emotions run high when you are detoxing, and you're not just stressed, you are ANGRY. And relapsing is totally normal, like everyone here said. The miracle, in my mind, is that it made you feel SICK. That's good! If that pill had made your troubles disappear or made you copy better, you'd have more reasons to be concerned. DO NOT BLAME yourself for having your Dad go through any treatments. It was the right thing to do. I do think joining a Hospice forum or Cancer forum will be great for you. My brother ruins a Hospice center... he'd tell you that support groups make a world of difference. You are going to have a lot of questions when it comes to your father... and you need the same support you get here!!! BIG BEAR HUG being sent to you now...

PS: I don't know what to do about that husband of yours. Let's focus on the other stuff in your life now and deal with him later. He might be a dummy - a lot of men would give their kids markers. haha - they don't get it. He's obviously a "MAN MAN" meaning he is big into gender roles. He watches football. You change diapers. If this is something you cannot deal with... seek couples therapy with him down the road.

[weaver71]

Wow, you have a lot to deal with alone, I'm sorry you are going through all this. I think telling some or perhaps all of your family, if possible, is a good idea. I tried so many times to do it on my own. I was terrified to tell my wife, I thought, what if she leaves me, what if she never forgives me, what if it changes things? Then I turned it around, what if I don't ever quit, what if I die, what if I lose my mind from taking these pills too long? Most addicts are strong and loving people, so strong and loving in fact, they take on the world and end up escaping with drugs. My kids are 9 and 10, I was totally honest with them, my wife, friends, my co-workers, everyone. A huge burden was lifted instantly and I was surprised how much support I had in detox. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I was very close to death. I had nothing to lose but my loneliness. A lot of people said, "OOOHHHH, now it all makes sense, I knew something was up with you." I was surprised at the support, I had been too ashamed to be honest. That was what needed to give for me.

I wish I knew what to say about your dad. I can say that you are lucky to have a parent so worthy of your love, I'm always envious of people with nice families. My grandmother was the only positive influence in my childhood and she died when I was 20, she raised me a lot of the time, if anyone was taking care of me. I was globe trotting and got back from Belize and she was gone, I had bought an Andean flute and learned a song to play for her. You're lucky to be getting clean and can be there with him, I have tears in my eyes as I write. Cherish this time, this is your chance. What better motivation is there to be the best you right now. Let him know he has a loving daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Make him proud, that is what every good man dreams of.

[greatescape13]

Oh wow...that is so much!  First off many people (myself included) have relapsed over a fleeting craving, not everything you have going on.  I am so sorry to hear about your dad..its one of the hardest things for a child to go through.  

So many of the emotions you are feeling are a part of early detox and PAWS AND are normal emotions to feel when you have a sick parent and are being overworked at home.  Having an unsuppotive spouse just complies the issue.  

I think you need to get into a dr that specializes in addiction.  You sound very vunerable to a relapse bigger than one pill and I know that isnt what you want.  Sometimes I feel like its having a split brain/personality.  There is the real you that wants a happy, peaceful sober life.  The real you that made the decision to get clean and reach out fo help on this forum.  Then there is the addicted brain that whispers "its too much, you can handle it"  those thoughts are coming from a sick place.  

So much of our addictions come from  a place of feeling low worth or value.  I dont know your dad, but we know what it is like to be parents, and I promise you the same way you looked at your daughter the day she was born and felt how special and beautiful and worthy of everything good in this world, its how he looked at you.  And you, your daughter, me and everyone else here..what had we done so special at one minute old?  Nothing.  We were born and that is all it takes.  What we do with our lives never effects our value in this world.  No amount of pills or fights with family or whatever makes you any less worthy of love, support and peace.

The cliche saying is "what doesnt kill you makes you stronger".  But there is much truth in it.  Pain is where we grow.  Contentment doesnt motivate change and growth.  Its when things are so ****** and we make it through that we learn about ourselves.

You will never quit with a bottle of pills in your drawer.  That is the truth and you know it.  You also cant continue to do this alone.  Find a counselor, a meeting, a friend, stay here on the forum.  There is a tried and true recepie for success..I know bc I have tried every other way!  Sending you a hug and the hope that tomorrow is better.

[FourJays]

I agree with Weaver, you may really benefit from telling someone about your addiction at this point.  You have such a heavy burden right now, it could really help to ease a little bit of your stress.  You may be surprised at the reaction(s) you get.  I held off for quite awhile in telling my loved ones and when I finally did it was such a relief.  I came clean to my husband first.  I think he knew (well I know he knew I was taking pills because I've had back problems and neck surgery a few months ago).  But I know he had no idea how much I was taking, how long I had been using and that I was addicted.  I think he knew in his heart that something had been off - I just don't think he really wanted to admit it even to himself. Soon after I told my daughters (19 and 22), as well, and eventually my mom and my sisters.  I found some information on addiction and withdrawal, etc., and printed it out for my husband and daughters to read.  I know it made a difference and helped them to understand more what I am going through and explained some of my behavior (sickness when I was going through w/d, moodiness, etc).  I know it is scary to think of telling anyone.  Hopefully you will get support and this will help to lift some of the awful burden you are carrying right now.  Don't feel ashamed - you are such a good person and taking on more than any human being should; you need some relief.

Your Dad is so lucky to have you, as are you to have him in your life.  It is all the more motivation to keep yourself clean and able to appreciate every moment you have with him.  The physical w/d symptoms WILL get better and thus all of this will be a little easier on you in that respect.  I lost my Dad 4 years ago to cancer.  My heart hurts for you because I know exactly what you are going through right now (as I sit here struggling to see my screen through tears).  You don't want to have any regrets.  Give yourself a break - ease as much of your burden with your husband, sister, and family however you can for now; if it means coming clean to them or not; whatever you need to do so you can focus on getting your Dad situated and caring for your daughter.  My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .

[atthebeach]

hi sweetie, I am so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 5 years ago and I miss him each day. I spent as much time as I could with him. he had a massive stroke, had a brain bled and only survived for 5 more days.
please don't numb yourself with pills at this time, you will want to remember as many memories as you can.
I am the wife of a recovering addict and the mother of 2 recovering addicts.
we know when "something isn't right", you cant hide your addiction as well as you think. I totally supported their recovery and still do.
your secrets will only keep you sick. you need support from your family.
you wont feel so alone once someone besides us knows.
please try to relax, take some deep breathes, push yourself to get some things done. you will be glad you did.
sending prayers and encouragement,
debbie

[Pat1956100]

Just checking in and hoping you are okay.  I know you can't tell your husband right now so do what you have to do.  You do need some support and hopefully your psychiatrist will help.
Maybe going to your dad's will be the answer as sad as it will be.  Being away from your husband may be a good thing.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  We really care.
Hugs
Pat

[Overwhelmed10]

Wow you all brought tears to my eyes.  Actually tears POURING down my face.  And it was a "good" cry for a change!  I never thought joining an online forum like this would have such a huge impact on my life, how I feel.  The one place I can just be ME.
Not sure where I stand now.  Just kind of "fleeting" is the only word I can think of.  Very depressed, morning is absolute worst.  And I have been and still am on celexa 40 mg.  The opiates obviously really hindered the ability of my anti-depressant to help me feel better.
Woke up nwith a sore neck and took a celebrex, but it didn't help much.  Wonder why they can't make a pain killer that is narcotic free and actually works?  Or maybe my body just wants what it wants, so its not going to respond to plain old NSAIDS.  

My appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday didn't go as well as I had hoped.  I really like my dr, but I actually felt worse when I left.  I asked him if I could take more clonnopin (knowing full well I couldn't), and I'm not going to lie-I was thinking maybe if he prescribed me some xanax, that would help with my coming off percocet.  (Addict thinking-I see that now.)  He said absolutely no more meds than I'm already prescribed.  Then he said "I hope you aren't self medicating?"  That surprised me.  IDK if he can tell I was-I do know last time I went in was about 3 weeks ago and I had started my monthly about an hour before my appointment, and I had awful cramps.  Doubled over.  So ofcourse I take a percocet, wait, and felt zero relief.  So I pop another one.  Still nothing.  Go to my appt., well 20 mins or so in I FELT it alright.  And I was like "oh crap!"  Found myself talking very fast, unable to find simple words I wanted to use (embarassing!!)  Just a dummy...ofcourse I thought he had no idea whatsoever! lol.  But now I'm thinking maybe he DOES have an idea.  IDK. Then we just got into the stages of death, what I need to be considering, my daughter can't be witnessing my dad dying all day long, etc., etc.  Everything I absolutely do need to be thinking about, but I really didn't want to go over the specifics of DNR again, once was enough for me when hospice went through that with me.  I felt like I just wanted to get out of there, and my mind just started to shut off.  It was a very negative visit.  Not that it was his fault, I just left feeling hopeless-about everything.  We talked about my husband, my mom.  He pointed out they were no help, etc etc.  Its not like there wasn't truth to what he said.  I just left feeling worse, and that could be entirely my own fault and the fact that I have other issues, my addiction, that he doesn't know I am fighting.  And I def didn't feel like I could tell him yesterday.
As far as the husband-he has to be in my peripheal (sp?) vision right now.  I can't be having blow ups with him, on top of what I have on my plate.  We did have a blow up 2 nights ago, I didn't walk away when I usually would have.  It came on when we discusssing bringing my father here, and he was suggesting hiring a private nurse for him so he can stay in his own home, and I say great idea, but "hello" we aren't made of money, I'm not sure if we could afford, etc.  And he took my questioning wrong and we started yelling, and he says, "How in the he** are you going to take care of your dad when you can't even take care of yourself!"  That STUNG.  A LOT.  I ran and had my boo hoo in the bathroom, got myself together and gave my daughter a bath.  We have barely spoken since.  I was so disgusted by his cruel remark, but you know what-maybe there's a partial truth to it.  I'm a struggling addict.  Maybe he knows more than I think.  Either way, whatever happens, I will be there for my Dad.  Period.  He will see.  I may not do the best at times, in fact I KNOW I won't.  All I can do is offer wht I have to give.  
Thanks for so much encouragement.  I really look forward to logging into this board every day.  I'd feel so much more alone if I didn't have this wonderful place.  xo

[FourJays]

You gotta hang in there - for your daughter, your Dad and mostly for yourself.  I know it is so hard to carry the burden you are right now.  You have got to tell someone what is going on,  Is there anyone you can talk to?  I know you and your husband aren't on the greatest of terms right now, but based on his remark about caring for yourself, he knows something isn't right.  What if you come clean to him?  Do you think he will be supportive?  Even if not, maybe you would feel some sort of relief from this pressure.  Something's gotta give - you need some support from the people in your life.  Please think about it . .. . and regardless of what happens you know you will always have support and friends here.
Julie

[nbhope]

Wow, over whelming. But just take time to breathe, scream, cry, throw a fit whatever you need to. I can realte on cancer front. My daughter battled fkr two years. We still are dealing with medical issues. I never took anything during that time. But after my year of use of pills I canmot say I wouldnt just to clam down. It tough but so are you a quote taht I lived by during my daughter treament and I still love to remind myself of this is "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have" hang in there sending prayers.

[Pat1956100]

Hey girl
Well I can certainly understand why you are overwhelmed.  I went to grief counseling after my husband and sister died and I was higher than a kite the whole time.  The counselor was an idiot and was just concerned about getting the insurance money but I know that me being on percs didn't help at all.  Is there any way you can be honest with your counselor?  You really need someone to be honest with and why not take advantage of it.
Are you concerned that they will cut you off all meds?  I don't know if they would but if you mentioned that you were concerned and needed help, maybe they would help you with this too.
You have so much on your plate and I hate to see you doing this alone.  I can understand why you don't want your husband to know.
What do you think about being honest with your counselor?

[Overwhelmed10]

Yes I have confided in 2 of my girl friends I have known for over 10 years.  They both live out of state though.  They really try to support me getting off of them.  I am totally honest with them about it.  I would most likely explode if I didn't have them to tell, that would leave me with no one really knowing.  I wish I could tell my mom, but she is a very highly re-active person and I'm worried if she would freak out about my abilities to care for my daughter, etc.  Although I know she loves me very much.  I so wish my husband were the kind of husband I could tell, but I don't trust him with that information right now.  Sad, I know.  Especially since it appears he is on to me a little bit.

@ Pat-yes tbh-I am a litle concerned if I told my counselor they would cut all my meds.  And I need some of them.  I'm not really sure how that works.  i also think you were right the other day about now may be a good time to go up to my dad's.  May be good to get away from my husband right now.  I think I will look into the weather for the next few days to see if the drive is safe.

@nbhope-thank you so much and wow-I cannot imagine dealing with a child battling cancer!  What strength!  Thanks for the encouraging words.

IDK why but I'm eating like an absolute pig today.  I want carbs and chocolate non-stop.  I went from feeling like I was going to puke all the time to I can't get enough food in.  Very weird.  and its not that "time" of the month even.
Hugs to you all.xo

[Overwhelmed10]

Thanks Julie.  You are absolutely right.  Somethings gotta give eventually!  My daughter and my dad are probably the main things keeping me going these days...