Relationship issues with recovering husband

[cokercola]

My husband and I have been together for 4 years, married for almost 2.  He went to treatment in March, relapsed in June and went back in October.  He has not been sober for a little over 90 days.  He is living in a sober living house.  Our relationship has been through hell and back with his addiction, including an affair with his "dealer" before his first time in rehab.  Since returning, he has slowly distanced himself from me.  Last week he told me he couldn't do this anymore, him and I.  He said it wasn't fair to me, and he couldn't deal with the pain he has put me through, the worry, regret and destruction.  We haven't been intimate for over 2 months, and I feel like we are growing apart.  I don't know what to do to save my marriage.  I told him to take his time and think about our marriage before making any big decisions.  He texted me the next day and wanted to come home for dinner.  We hung out last night for the first time in 2 weeks.  It was a little awkward because there was no "I love you" no hugs, no kisses... but I think it could be a start in the right direction.  I can only imagine what he is going through is hard, and I've read other people's posts about relationship difficulties, but has anyone been through this on either side?  Any advice?  I go to Al-Anon, but lately have thought I should go almost everyday!  Any help would be appreciated!!!  Thanks!

[addictswife167]

I am new to all this just looking for postings to make me feel better. I have addicted husband to oxys or any other pain killer he can get his hands on. I just found out today he has been using again since he reached his 90 days after his second rehab stay. I can understand your husband needing the distance because my husband and I took awhile to get back to our relationship. I thought we have already had our hell and back, but I guess he has still not hit his rock bottom. I dont know what to do now, he doesn't even know I found his stash.  I think you have found a great outlet here and it has helped me by reading your posting knowing that there are others out there like me. I cannot get to alanon meetings because of kids and life, there is only one in my town....keep posting updates...it helps those like me who need an outlet.

[Mangee]

This usually is one of the tougher problems. Strangeness in marriage is bad enough but when you combine it with drugs and/or alcohol then the situation doubles in anxiety and stress. You are to be commended for your efforts in trying to keep your marriage intact. All too often, at the sign of trouble many would put their tale between their legs and run for the hills. Stilltrying1965 and gizzy32 know what they are talking about. Confusion, unsurety, mistrust paranoia and the sense that people are whispering about you is only a part of what an addict has to go through. Stay as you are and don't give up on him. Give him time to gather himself together and eventually it will come to a head and he will let you know where you go from there. Most of all, don't cling. The last thing he needs right now is to have anyone invade his space when he is trying to figure out what is what. In time he will ask for help and that is when you let him know that you are there for him no matter what.

[cokercola]

He is an alcoholic... been drinking since probably 12 or 13, but heavily after discharging from the army at the age of 19.   I definitely want to save my marriage!  Its just been so hard with him living in a 3/4 way house.  He never spends his weekly overnights with me.  At first I thought it was just that being home was too hard, that he was afraid of relapsing, or it brought back too many memories, but it scares me to think he may never come home.

[stilltrying1965]

I agree with Gizzy. I dont know what drug/s he was using but when you are trying to stay clean there is a lot of confusion in your mind. He will be going through all different emotions,  guilt, self esteem etc. Its very hard mentally and it takes time for the mind to get back to "normal" thinking. It all depends on what drug and how long he was using for. Also, everyone is different and everyone takes their own times and does it in their own ways. If you do still love him, its worth fighting to save your relationship. Keep going to your meetings. Good luck to you both

[gizzy32]

Great to hear he has been clean for 90 days now. What drug or drugs was he using? Would he be willing to go to counselling to help save the marriage or would you? I know you said he couldn't do this anymore, but if there is a chance, then fight for it if you still love him. Getting clean comes with a lot of changes and confusion too, but it sounds like he is on the right path again. Keep going to your alanon meetings, they will help. I wish you both the best.

[cokercola]

He HAS been sober for 90 days.. sorry for the typo