Running out of emotional strength

[Shmoozilla]

Hi All,

It's been a while since I posted, and I was doing great but the past two weeks I've been feeling quite depressed and very irritable, and have had bad headaches a lot.

Right at this moment the people across the road and over one house have their stereo blasting very loudly - and this has been going on for approx. 7 hours now.  I've called Noise Control twice so far - the first time they came around and the guys turned the stereo down, but of course a while after Noise Control left they turned it back up even louder - and with more bass...  I have a splitting headache, and would give nearly anything to make that go away.

I'm not going to go and get anything, but it's extremely tempting right now!!  I'm so sick of having a headache, and really just want some peace and quiet in my own home, which seems extremely unlikely right now.

I've been feeling very sad a lot, and last night even contemplated cutting again...  I haven't cut myself for many years and promised my partner I'd never do it again - and I didn't, but as I said it was starting to look extremely attractive to me last night after once again my partner basically said he wouldn't come to another very important family gathering with me.

I've been to pretty much every single one of my family's important occasions (and not-so-important ones) alone because he just doesn't want to come, and he promised me he'd come to my Dad's 80th birthday party - but when I was talking with him about the catering last night (we're both Vegan) he said "I might be easier if I just skip it" - to which I asked "skip what?" - and he said "the whole thing"...  All I could say to him was "I knew you'd do this!" and walked away because otherwise I might say something I'd regret...

I've been looking forward to us going to my Dad's 80th for about a year (since I found out about the big party they'll be having), and this was extremely disappointing for me.  I went to bed pretty early last night, and woke about 4am and couldn't get back to sleep.  Thankfully I got tired again about 2 hours later and crashed again - but I feel very tired now given that I couldn't really sleep in much because of the neighbour's music...  Mind you - I feel exhausted most of the time because I always have sleep deprivation (only being able to sleep about 3 hours in a row usually) but I'm feeling it even more lately for some reason.

I seem to wake up early even on weekends, and even though I'm sure my body would like to have a nap during the day in the weekend I just can't bring myself to do it since I have other things I'd prefer to do (like playing pc games or reading).

Anyway - I had better run - I'm cooking a nice healthy lunch (a big salad with soy protein) - which will be lunch/dinner since it's nearly 4pm - and probably breakfast/lunch tomorrow too (it's very big!!).

Thanks for listening/reading - I appreciate it, and feel a little better just getting that out.


Rachel

[Shmoozilla]

Thanks Christine,

I appreciate the advice on having cheese/dairy, but vegan means no animal products at all, and I'm allergic to apples too - so might have to find something else :).

You're right - the fact I didn't give in to either thing is something I should be proud of - thank you for pointing that out :) :).

The neighbours are relatively quiet now - noise control came again and they have been pretty quiet for the last 2 hours now (fingers crossed that they remain that way!).

I was just venting a little, and really wanting some support from people who know what it's like to go through this stuff (wanting to use again).

Thanks for your support :)


Rachel

[CML64]

Sorry I can't help with the neighbors, but I might be able to help with the sleep. Apples and cheese, (not sure how vegan you are, whether you do dairy or not),along with warm milk all have natural substances to help you sleep.

Hang in there, it will get better. Sleep disturbance are not uncommon as your body and brain have to readjust.

You should be congratulating yourself. I know that sounds odd, but I say that because you felt the old urge to cut yourself and YOU DIDN"T!!! Nor did you give in to your addiction!!! That took a tremendous amount of strength so early in your recovery and you should focus on that and be proud.

Christine