Seen the doctor and told him I was an addict!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

I went into the doctor's and told him everything. I thought I would get an "I knew it" or "I thought so", but I did not.  He was completely supportive and helpful. This is a huge issue in our town. I spent an 1 1/2 hours talking with him and he actually asked me to help him out.  He also suggested that I go off work and on sick leave for a while.  I talked him into letting me work 1/2 days until I figure out all the money end of it.  It's ****** but I was the one who put myself and my family in this mess.  How could I possibly take more money from them to heal? It was really empowering and felt really good. Thanks to all of you who said it would be and thanks for helping me understand that I didn't ask for this.  It is very much like a bad break up.  Finally letting those around you know what you are going through and accepting help with it.  Getting rid of as many ways of getting drugs is a very hard step, but it's like slapping an ex across the face!!!!!!!!!!

I also wrote a good bye letter to my drug.  It's pretty long.  But you know what it's like a bad break up.  It's like staying with someone who you know isn't good for you but you do anyways.  I have a lot of practice in the area.....thanks again to everyone who suggested I do it.  It was very cleansing.  Sounds really crazy I know it does.  I wrote it and read it and re-read it.  Then I read it out loud.  That took many attempts but I got it done.  I did this alone.  My next step is to read it out loud to my friend, then I am going to burn it, and let it go as it burns.  Very, very hard to do.  Any further advice would be great!  I am open to anything.

[ImDONENoMore]

Actually, you're doing pretty well all by yourself!! Well done, and stay open-minded.  It's good for the soul.

[Pat1956100]

You are doing great and so lucky to have such a supportive doctor.  Sounds like you have a great plan.  You will do this!!!
Keep posting and let us know what your doctor is doing to help you.
I am so happy for you.  What a huge step telling your doctor and writing that letter.
Big hugs
Pat

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Hi there, can you please explain this to me further.  My doctor does have a suboxone license and methadone license but people on here told me not to go that route because it just causes another dependency and you have to withdraw all over again.  Any further information would be great!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thanks for the kind words.  I am totally open minded.  I really want this to work.  Do any of you attend NA meetings.  Some people have suggested it here and people in my town don't think its a good idea as it is not directly related to pills.  Isn't it all the same?

[mamaof4410]

Methadone and Suboxone are both Opiates...Thats why your withdrawls subside while you are taking them. But once you stop they return because now your withdrawling from them. Thats why we dont recommend that route. It just prolongs your recovery basically.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thanks Pat, my most exciting part of my day is coming on here to get advice from you guys.  It just helps so much.  Day 12 today, never thought I would ever get this far.  Life is hard without drugs.  You really have to work at it....

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Okay that makes total sense.  So I am on day 12, if I start taking something like that, then it all starts over again doesn't it?  The withdrawals were the worst thing I have ever done, but I am through the worst.  Would there be any reason to take other stuff?  Even my doctor suggested I should.  What do you think?

[Pat1956100]

Noooooo, you don't want to go on subs after being clean for 12 days.
Just read some of markkush's threads about how he has been on them for years and goes into withdrawals if he tries to stop.
I don't know why he is promoting subs all over this forum when he can't escape them.
You will just start another addicition over again and have to go thru withdrawals again.  You don't want to do that again.
You are doing so well at 12 days.  That is fantastic and I know it's hard but each day you are getting closer to a new clean you.  You will get your life back and be so happy that you did.

[mamaof4410]

Exactly. Dont DO IT.
Dont take anything to help as far as Suboxone or Methadone goes. 12 days is awesome. Think of it as 12 steps foward and if you take that its 11 steps back.
If your having trouble with the cravings...Magnesium helps some with that. I had a hard day yesterday and I just kept pushing through. The cravings hit me hard yesterday I dont know why. But Its so great to know that I dont have to worry about withdrawling. Theres no reason to take the other stuff. They basically put it in a pretty package and say "well this is better than the drug because IM the DR and IM giving it to you" No. Theres no reason to take it. You are passed the worse of the WD's I promise you that. Now is the point you get to menatlly to stay clean. Your brain tells you "get high or die" basically and you have to ignore it. You trained your brain into that mode. Now its going to take time to train it back to normal. I promise it will get better. I cant tell you when but I pormise it will. You just have to walk the line and it will get better with time. Rome wasn't built in a day. It takes time to create something beautiful and in this case your creating a new sober life for yourself.

[mamaof4410]

And its not so much as working at it...Its "wanting" it. If you really want to stay sober...you will.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you so much, that really helps.  Sometimes the advice is so conflicting.  I have got this far I don't want to do anything to screw it up.  My doctor doesn't even seem to know what is the best thing to do.  But I guess if you haven't been through it, how would you really know, right.  I trust you guys and your opinions.  God, I wait daily to hear from you all.  You are what keeps me straight.  No pressure!!!!!!!!!  Hahaha!  I will listen and take in all the information and I will stay straight.  I just need help to do it.  Now if I could just stop thinking about getting high, and how great it would feel and how I wouldn't have to deal with all the clean up **** from the last few years I would do great.....lololol

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you so much.  I know you are absolutely right.  This snuck up on me and hit me so hard and so fast, I didn't even know it was happening.  By the time I realized it was a problem, I was so far gone it was embarrassing.  I do want to save my life and my family, and improve my situation.  I just have this tiny little devil sitting on my shoulder who keeps whispering in my ear, telling me that you know maybe in a week or a month, or six months, you will be able to handle it again.  It has me convinced that I could do it and that I would take them properly again.  But I know, without a doubt, that if I go back it will destroy me.  The inner conflict is terrible.  I miss it, not the loss of the money, or the relationship problems or the work problems, or the chance of getting caught and arrested and all that bad stuff.....but I miss that warm glow and lack of feeling.  NOTHING hurt then......it sure does now......and does the remorse ever let up?

[Pat1956100]

When you hear that devil on your shoulder, think of us on your other shoulder telling you to say NO.  
We are also beating that devil with a big stick to get him off your shoulder.
Trust me, you don't want to relapse.  It is not fun.  I am the queen of relapsers and have dug myself into a big dark hole that I am now trying to climb out of.
It will ruin your life.

[mamaof4410]

That remorse was being swept under the rug...Someone put a quote on here yesterday..."keep sweeping it under the rug for one day youll trip over it"
You need to let go of the past. It happened and its over and done with. Their is NOTHING you can do to change it. You have to accept it for what it was and move on. You will never be able to stay sober unless you come to terms with whatever remorse you are having. I had a rough childhood. I have realized that I cannot control the world and yes those things happened but it was NOT MY FAULT. I was a child and I should have not been put in those situations. I have forgiven those that have hurt me and I would not be able to move on if I didnt. No one is perfect. And holding anger and hate in your heart doesnt make anyone miserable but one person....YOU. I do not want my addiction to define who I am. Im a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, an aunt...I dont associate addict with who I am anymore. You shouldnt either. If you ever want to talk about what remorse you are having PM me. I have my page open all day checking it even if Im not posting.
The remorse will let up once you have come to terms with it. Ignoring it while being high doesnt make it go away. It makes it hurt a little more each time. so you do alittle more drugs to get away from it. It does get better. I promise.

[Workinghardtobreakfree]

Congratulations. I am in a similar place. Day 18 here without OxyContin and oxycodone.
I don't recommend Suboxone or methadone.  Addiction all over is my worry. Both were offered to me. I declined. Keep up the good fight. I am trying so hard. Some days the depression is almost too much.
Hugs
K

[AMom1st]

Agree with other comments...don't do it!  I've never went the sub route but from everything I have read and researched, if you are 12 days clean you would be nuts to move to an alternative opiate.  You'll end up taking steps backwards.  Just keep moving forward...you are doing great!  The remorse...you can't change the past.  Be at peace knowing you are not that person now and your life is getting better and better every day.  Be strong and keep posting!

[jlannspr]

Great post, just wanted to know I'm here supporting you along with everyone else. Great people here.

[dominosarah]

I knew that goodbye letter would help, as crazy as it seems!

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Don't I know it.  It is just awful.  I really, really don't want to.  You all have no idea how important you are to me.  My first 1/2 day back to work and everything that could go wrong did.  I have about a zillion reasons to use again.  I know why I use, it's because of days like today.  But I haven't and I am not going to.  But lord knows I want to.  Thank you all again.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

That is exactly what it's like.  Okay now for the stupid question, what is PM?  I am seriously new to this and don't get it.  

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

I hear you.  The sadness is just unbearable sometimes.  It is so hard not to cover it up and take drugs.  I know I can't and I don't want to, it just seems easier to do it.  I need strength that I am not sure I have......thank you for helping.  All the encouraging words just make me want to try harder.

[Livingtodaylikeitsmylast]

Thank you.  Your words mean so much!  You are the best.  Just when I am ready to give up and throw in the towel.  I read something that really hits home. You are right I have gotten over the worst so why back track.  I appreciate your help and kindness.

[Pat1956100]

You are so sweet and we will always support you.  Sorry you had such a rough day today.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Oh and PM means private message.  You can send any of us a message, just like an email on this forum if you don't want to share it publicly.

Hope you sleep well tonight
Hugs
Pat