Aa
im back.... i messed up but pickin up the pieces
well, i was doing so good for a few days and then my family member (whom i live with) got her script filled and she locked them in a safe. well, guess who accidentally saw where the key was hidden.... ME, the ADDICT in me... and well i stole a few pills here and there, and then when they were almost gone, my dad looked me right in the eyes and said "her pills are gone" and i just took his hand and broke down and told him how i had taken them, and how i have a serious problem. i dont think ive ever been really honest with myself about how bad my addiction is. So, they both forgive me, and my dad bought her enough to cover what i took. Ive been ashamed to post because i feel like i am a let down, but im tryin to not beat myself up. So, i saw a therapist yesterday, and he referred me to a doctor who deals with addictions I guess.. so im making baby steps. today is awful, i had my last pill last night. i feel like i wasnt truly ready last time. i guess because i didnt have to take responsibility for my actions because nobody knew- i am really sneaky. but now that my dad knows he can hold me responsible for what i do. so i hit rock bottom. and now i am ready to climb this mountain again. no more stealing, lying, bull shi***ing. time to face the music. here is to everyone detoxing along with me. i was doing about 5 -30 mg perc pills a DAY...sometimes more. the restlessness is bad, but i want my life back so im going to be brave. one thing that helps me is when i feel really bad i count on my five fingers and say 1. i am a good person 2. i have a big heart n love to give 3. i have wonderful people around me 4. my life IS worth living. and last but not least, my pinky finger is #5--- THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!!!
u r in indeed an inspiration to me. i want to have a family one day. but i dont want to be all messed up in the head when i have children. i am trying, and taking steps to get my sickness under control. tomorrow i plan to go to a NA meeting, my dad is already feeling fine, but he doesnt suffer from depression like i do, so i guess its a lot easier for him to get better, plus he has a job and a schedule to meet. while i don't. i need to get on a schedule. my therapist told me to wake up at 8 am, have a glass of orange juice and then 20 mins later eat a healthy breakfast. but i dont know what to do with myself after that. i have forgotten how to live. you know what he told me? he said that really abusive men were hypoglycemic...not really needing anger management, but they were malnutritioned. crazy huh? he said for me to wake up early and get a good breakfast. that was my homework until my next visit, which is next thursday. i dont know if i really like him yet, but its too early to tell. did you go to therapy? i think its so wonderful that you are clean and i cant wait fo rthe day that i can look back on my posts and just laugh because i have grown since then. love to you all. good night
talk tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow i will start feeling better. *wishful thinking*... every time i want to find a pill, i count on my fingers those 5 things that mean so much to me. thank you kyle, and everyone else. GOD BLESS you.. i am going to sit and pray and meditate until i can fall asleep. i am "calling on God, and rowing away from the rocks..."
talk tomorrow. hopefully tomorrow i will start feeling better. *wishful thinking*... every time i want to find a pill, i count on my fingers those 5 things that mean so much to me. thank you kyle, and everyone else. GOD BLESS you.. i am going to sit and pray and meditate until i can fall asleep. i am "calling on God, and rowing away from the rocks..."
Yes...I'm older than you. I have four wonderful kids and a great wife. I look back now and see all of the times - the special moments - that I missed either because I was detoxing again, or trying to get pills, or too high to appreciate what was happening around me. The years flew by, and here I am, 15 years later, and wonder why. How did it happen? I'm an addict, and the addiction controlled me and I lost so much because of it.
You have so much life ahead of you. Don't BS yourself; don't make foolish decisions; don't lie about what you are doing. Otherwise, you'll wake up one day, too ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror, and regret every minute that you used. And you can never go back.
You have so much life ahead of you. Don't BS yourself; don't make foolish decisions; don't lie about what you are doing. Otherwise, you'll wake up one day, too ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror, and regret every minute that you used. And you can never go back.
so actually, i should have made it more clear, the person we got them from was someone i know. a 'friend' of mine. (not a friend). but someone i know that can get pills. so its up to me to cut off this person. it ***** so bad cuz we were friends before he started selling pills. but i guess i need to cut him out. my dad only paid for them. i just hooked it up. ugh. these decisions are so hard to make. i guess these are sacrifices i have to make for my sobriety. just like my therapist said, "they are NOT you friends if they help you get drugs".... man, he is so right. do u ever just stop and think, how the f___ did i get myself in this situation?
Hey Smartgirl!! It's going to be tough, but you can do it!! Make one promise! BEFORE, you think you are going to take a pill, come here and post! We can talk you out of it!! Stay strong and focussed on the goal!! Big hugs!
If your dad is serious, then he should have already cut ties with his dealer. Buying off the street is illegal, and in doing so he's exposing you to possible involvement with the police. If he stops buying from his dealer, how will he be able to give out your step mom's pills when he's in the middle of detox?
Buying off the street usually means a serious problem. He is in control now because he has pills. The next few days will tell the tale.
Buying off the street usually means a serious problem. He is in control now because he has pills. The next few days will tell the tale.
kyle, you are absolutely on the dot on that one. the thing is, i have nowhere to go. i have lost my job and lost everything due to my addiction. i am only 22 years old. i was on a dance scholarship and i failed because i started using. and we know people who sell pills, so thats where he bought them from for her. should i make my dad cut off that connection? and she locks her pills up because she knew i had a problem. but like i said, i saw where my dad put the key one morning (he distributes her pills because she has memory loss and cant deal them on her own) but he doesnt steal from her. he has more self control than i do. but this all wouldnt have happened if i hadnt found the key to the safe, and most importantly, if i had self control. which i dont. and yes, my dad and i told her that when she gets them, we do NOT want our little 'cut'. its going to be so hard you guys. i am going to need to dig so sos so so so so deep to find the strength to say no!!! but the sad thing is, is she has memory loss, ( she got in a bad accident and ruined her brain) so if i asked for a pill she would say, Oh yes sweetheart!!! ugh... i feel so bad :(((((( but i dont want to be on a chain anymore. i cant believe i am having to go through this again. but at the same time i feel such relief by telling my dad the truth. we both have gone all day without anything, and we actually dont feel that awful! we have been watching the office and workaholics and tosh.o all day so its been good. plus this wonderful site. thank you for having faith in me. i cant wait to post, "i made it to 7 days" !!! day 1, DOWN!!!!!!!!!!! take THAT DEVIL PILLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes it will be really hard to say no to your stepmom. Are you able to tell her that no matter how much you beg, not to give you any? Just knowing that they are in the house will drive you crazy. It would be good to tell her when you are feeling very strong about staying clean not to give you any.
You may even tell yourself that you will get them but not take them. I have done that. Cutting yourself off totally from being able to get any pills is a very hard thing to do but it is so hard to stay clean when you know you can get some. You can be strong for 23 hours and 59 minutes a day but that 1 minute of weakness is all it takes to relapse when pills are available to you. I am just talking about my experience and what has caused me to relapse so often. Just something to think about.
You may even tell yourself that you will get them but not take them. I have done that. Cutting yourself off totally from being able to get any pills is a very hard thing to do but it is so hard to stay clean when you know you can get some. You can be strong for 23 hours and 59 minutes a day but that 1 minute of weakness is all it takes to relapse when pills are available to you. I am just talking about my experience and what has caused me to relapse so often. Just something to think about.
I think that you are in a difficult spot. Your dad is using and your step- mom gives you pills. Please forgive me, but I only see relapse on the road ahead unless things change drastically. Your step mom needs to absolutely understand that you want to stop. You being scared because her refill is coming up - another red flag. And your dad "bought her enough...". Is he getting pills from a dealer? If you are living in this kind of environment then you've set yourself up to fail. Sorry, but thats what I'm getting from your post.
thank you all for your support... i am going to take my dogs out ( i have two beautiful american eskimos). my dad is on board with quitting with me so whoooo!!!! i have a partner. he is a school teacher, so he needs to get clean too. thank you all so much for your thoughts and concerns. i am actually feeling happy in the head, shi*** in the body lol but i want this so bad and we have been laughing and joking and our dog is about to give birth to puppies so we are full of joy.. :) i am scared for when my step mom gets her script on the 8th, as she always gives me some. :( it will be so hard to say NO!!!!
I agree with Pat 100% you have taken some very important steps here!
You are making good Positive Steps and can concentrate on getting clean and with your family behind you thats Great!
keep posting and I am sending you support
keep it up one day at a time you can do this!
You are making good Positive Steps and can concentrate on getting clean and with your family behind you thats Great!
keep posting and I am sending you support
keep it up one day at a time you can do this!
Good for you telling your dad and also seeing an addiction therapist. I don't think they are baby steps. I think they are giant steps. You have some support now and that is huge.
It's such a great feeling to tell the truth and not to have to lie anymore. A big weight off your shoulders and now you can concentrate on getting clean.
It's such a great feeling to tell the truth and not to have to lie anymore. A big weight off your shoulders and now you can concentrate on getting clean.
Great job! You'll find it goes so much better now that you've shared with your Dad.
Be sure to keep your fluid intake up to flush your system. Eat good food and just go easy on yourself right now. Take Immodium, it helps many symptoms of detox. Also, a cal/mag supplement and potassium will help the restlessness!
Let us know if we can help with anything. Stay strong!
Be sure to keep your fluid intake up to flush your system. Eat good food and just go easy on yourself right now. Take Immodium, it helps many symptoms of detox. Also, a cal/mag supplement and potassium will help the restlessness!
Let us know if we can help with anything. Stay strong!
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So, you need to cut all sources. Call your doc, dentist, pharmacy. Tell them that you're an addict (or at least an abuser) and that you want to be red flagged as such. Then tell your family and friends; they need to know because they can be of help in the future. Finally, get some sort of after care. NA meeting, etc.
Your head never lets up; the temptation will be with you always. The longer you're clean, and the more of a support system you have in place, the easier it is to deal with the voices, but it doesn't stop.
Hand in there...Keep posting.