Ashamed

[liscamdave]

I am asking for no one to judge me as I post this. However, this morning, as I was driving myself and my daughter to school and work, one of my dearest friends called to ask me if she could borrower $100.00 till the end of the day. So I pulled the $ out of my bag and dropped it off to her. It was on the way to my daughters school. My daughter asked me why I was still giving people money? I asked her what she meant, but I knew immediately. She said "Well, sometimes you would hand people money and they would give u something"...my heart sank into my stomach. I never thought she saw or acknowledged those transactions, as I NEVER took her., I would just walk to the corner, or have someone stop over and I would put her in her room. But my nightmares came true, because she did see it and did acknowledge it. ANd I am afraid that when she is older she will piece it all together. Mommy used to pay people and get something from them. My mommy was ALWAYS sick. My mommy was always forgetting things. Ugh I hate myself for what I have done, althought I know I cannot undo it. I never want her to hate me or think bad of me for what I did. I am just venting....thanks for reading...

xo, Lisa

[liscamdave]

Thanks so much. I  sat all weekend and thought about what I had done and what effect it will have on her when she is older. I also sat and remembered all of the things I had witnessed from my parents when I was little. I remembered so much, and always swore I'd never grow up to be like them or EVER use drugs...but, I did. And now all I can do is pick up the broken pieces and try to put my l ife back together. I love her and when she is older and ready, I will tell her what I went through and I am sure at that point, will still be going through. I want her to know exactly what it can do to your life, your mind...your entire existance. It is amazing.

Thanks to all...I appreciate every word...

xo, Lisa

[marcatj]

oh sweetheart.. no parent is perfect.  all make mistakes.  ok, so this one was one of yours...

you are human.

she doesn't understand, and as well,  what is important is NOW which is the only thing you have control of.  and you should be very proud of NOW, as we are all of you.

it's ok punkin.  feel your feelings, then let them go.

it is really all I know to say, except for we have all made mistakes, and what is important is that we learn, and change from them.  which you are doing.  and that is a wonderful thing!!!

so feel it, then let it go.  and then stay in the now, ok babe?

xox
luv ya,
mj

[beachtowel]

Lisa first of all nobody here has the right to judge anyone........

As addicts many times we think we are fooling the whole world....we think nobody knows what were doing because were to slick.........were to careful........

Kids watch everything they say kids learn the most from their parents at a very early age and believe me they don't miss anything........I remember vividly every argument my parents ever had when I was a very small boy because everyone of them effected me in a very tramatic way........

Lisa "it is what it is" and one day you will probably have to sit down with your daughter when she is old enough and mature enough to understand some of the personal things about her Mom ...one of those very close Mother to daughter talks........

Today what is important is that your clean and stay clean..........
Your daughter will notice a big difference to get her mom back.........when mom is no longer a slave to narcotics and has taken back the ability to manage her own life her daughter will notice the change........she might not understand the whys part but she will see a difference in you.........

Hey your not the perfect Mom big shock but I have seen a big difference in you since you started on the forum.......and I am a million miles away from you........the past is the past and we can't change it but we can change today and all those tommorrows.......
Be the loving mom that your daughter truly expects and needs from you, I think your a very good person and can be a great mom but it takes work and it takes being clean.........but you already know that..........

[Marce4]

Hi Lisa.  I had a horrific detox back in Feb from hydro and my husband helped me through. I have four children 16, 13, 8 and 6. We decided to tell the older ones what was going on. I was initially on them for my back but you know how that turned out for many of us!  My two oldest ones sat down with me and their Dad and we were upfront and honest with them.  They saw what addiction can do to ANYONE and I pray that this has made enough of an impact on them to deter them from using!  They saw the hell I was going through and I couldn't apologize to them enough but I used it as a (I know...so cliche) 'teachable moment'!  I think we now have a pretty strong relationship and I feel I made the right decision in telling them! Kids are definately not stupid and I seriously doubt that I could have kept this from them.

[Shattered]

We can't change the past honey...Don't beat yourself up. The fact that you feel ashamed is normal for someone who is a GREAT mother!!!.Like you are !!!..

[avisg]

I guess i am lost ,could not do what if your kid was older

[brownie6366]

I have a teenage son and when I would take the pain pills he would sometimes tell me Mom you need to stop taking them they are illegal drugs.  I told him that they were prescribed by a Dr. for me for the pain in my back and he would say well you still shouldn't take them they are bad for you.  I asked him how did he know that and he told me when he was in middle school they taught the kids about substance abuse.  I was glad that he said that to me.  It showed me that my son does know that they are bad for you and that they can be addictive.  I think this will help him as he gets older to not want to use them because he sees what I had to go through to get off of them.

I wouldn't worry about the fact that your daughter knows.  I would talk to her when she is a little older and when she would understand more.

Focusing on the future and being clean is the key.

[IBKleen]

My GOD hun, calm yourself down.

First off, children are amazing little creatures. They rarely miss a trick. I am fairly certain that many people in your active addiction knew you were using. We think that we are slick, but most times we are not.

Children are also resilient. Much more than us adults. I know she is young now, but perhaps consider sitting her down, in a few years, and explaining the disease of addiction to her. It could benefit her in more ways than one. I am certain that she has asked about her daddy. Talking with her could clear up a lot of unanswered questions she may have. You may help in the long run to keep her away from drugs.

You are NOT a bad person. You made some bad choices. Forgive yourself.

Hugs............

[abrahamlee]

Hi Lisa,

I just wanted to let you know I can totally relate to what you are feeling. My son will still ask me if I have ever done drugs or why I had to go away for a while (treatment). It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about that. I think kids notice way more than we give them credit for. BUT, I also know they are the most forgiving creatures on earth.  She will love you no matter what you have done. The hardest part is forgiving yourself.   To feel guilt and shame over the past is the worst feeling. But at least you can say it is the past.  When you feel that feeling, try to let it go and really make an effort to forgive yourself. Maybe even say it out loud.  I hope this helps.