So heres my options.

[lynnalb15]

I have been thinking and am thinking of talking to my mother in law. Who I trust more than anyone. And going there to detox as she can watch the little one for me. We can't afford rehab again. So this is my option. But my brain keeps telling me to just wait a couple more weeks till I taper myself. Which I know deep down is my excuse to use. What's wrong with me.

[selfinduced]

Hey Lynn, Im done said it all. If you have a trusted MIL to care for your child and she knows your history, this is a no brainer. You can't keep doing this to yourself. Step by step with the help of meetings and lots of love you will be posting your 30 days clean time before you know it. The way I look at it, these rain deer games have to stop sometime and the longer we play with fire the harder it is to heal. This is your time. You deserve a balanced and sober life. Love and support coming your way...

[ImDONENoMore]

lynn - I think part of what's happening with you, if it's okay that I say this, is that you are overthinking this entire process.  Make one small decision (move in with Mom so she can help) and settle in to those decisions one by one.  If you think about all of it at once you will do nothing - it will overwhelm you and make everything seem impossible.

One small step can change your life.

[minn66]

Dear lynn, I followed your posts before too and it is good that you are realizing now what you need to do before it spirals. Hun, this is so hard. I can't even compare my experience with some of the others here, so I am no expert by any means. Yet, you did come back and you know you will have love and support here. I think it is great that you can trust your mother in law (how many people can say that???! ;)) So, you do have support here and in your personal life. For me, counseling and NA have been essential. And, of course, this forum, because I feel my " roots " are here, if that makes sense. I can tell how much you love your family. I learned through counseling that I need to love myself too.

Just know that I, as well as a lot of people here, are thinking of you and sending support.

Hugs,
Minn

[gnarly_1]

Hey Lynn.......look your dose of methadone is small by most standards it shouldent be that bad coming off it....I do think you should get your doctor involved in the taper because of what happened last time.....as for the mental mind screw aftercare is the only answer I cant recamend N/A highly enough it is focused on recovery and staying clean this wil help you overall with this clearly you cant do it alone nether can I ....but with a little help and support this is very doable as I have said many times b/4 as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason to overcome this illness I understand the grip of methadone first hand but you can beat it I will keep you in my prayers good luck and God bless.......Gnarly  

[Pat1956100]

My heart really goes out to you.  I so understand the fear but it's never as bad as what we think it's going to be.  I was so afraid of the withdrawals but now I am more afraid not to get clean.  It's something that I want badly and I know you do too.  
CPS will not take your baby when you have a clean husband and they probably will never even know about this.  
You have to stop beating yourself up.  We are addicts. This is what we do.
We take drugs and hopefully as many have we can get clean.
You sound like a very loving mother and a very good person who unfortunately has the disease of addiction but it's also a disease that can be beat.  Good luck to you and your family,  I look forward to hearing your plan.

[lynnalb15]

Thank you everyone. I will come up with a plan here soon. My mind is running a million miles a minute and every action I can take just doesn't seem good enough. But how long am I going to put myself thru this. Put my daughter thru this. And my husband. I seriously can't remember what it's like to live sober. And I think that's what scares me most. I don't know HOW TO LIVE SOBER! I don't know how to act when I'm sober or who to be. This is who I have been the past 5-6 years. And it's not me. I don't want this. I don't want my daughter to ever ever know who this person is. Yet this is who I am to her right now. This is all she knows. It's sickening. The one thing I love more than anything in this world doesn't even know the real me. It makes me feel worthless. What kind of example am I setting for my baby. Wow. Writing all this out and getting it out of my head makes me think a lot. This isn't fair. I let my fear of being sick keep me sick. God help me. Sonrissa i thank you for keeping untouched with me. And for following my posts. It makes me feel good in a weird way. I wish I could be sober to be an example for you. But now your my example. My inspiration. So thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I will try not to stray away from the boards. It's hard right now because I feel myself slipping into a depression of some sort. Which is stupid because every morning I wake up I get to wake to a beautiful little girl smiling at me. I have to do this. I want to taper myself but it's hard. I need to figure something out quick. I wish I could go back and have saved my sobriety and not taken that first drink of methadone. Now I have to undo what I've done. And it's so so hard to admit my faults. I'm so f****** scared its not even funny.

[Free2agoodhome]

Good stuff posted. I tried to taper but it wasn't for me. Absoultely have a plan. I scheduled vacation time to do mine.I had to say "if not soon when? when? how lone do I want to be miserable?   Don't look at it as if " for the rest of my life i cannot use" that sounds so huge a task it's scarry. I wake up now and say "just for today" I'm gonna be clean..tomorrow aint here yet....before you know it you will be well on your way.

again..plan,,,get the thomas recipe, books, CD's the works.....and be online...


peace....

[Sonrissa]

Hi Lynn, I have been thinking of you a lot the last couple of days! I don't know why? I just seem to have attached myself to you because I remember reading & following you a couple of months ago when I was a lurker! I was so sick and scared (I still am, but I'm working on it).  It's just weird isn't it? I feel for you so much! This is what I think, for what it's worth! Make a plan! Whatever it is, to get clean! No matter how you want to do it, just make the darn plan! Decide! Then stick to the plan! Don't let your mind or anyone talk you out of it! Then start taking the steps one by one! I hope this makes some sense, I so wish I had more to offer you, other than just my support, and offer of friendship! But, I'm only on day 8 now, and I'm still struggling! But, so far, I've stuck to my plan! Best wishes, I continue to send you prayers!

[kyle505]

Nothing is wrong with you. If you've spent any time at all on this forum, reading the posts, you'd have found that you are just like many, many people everywhere. The mental aspect of getting clean is the hardest, and even before you start, your head gives you all of the excuses you need to keep using.
Tapering can work, but you have to be very strong. Having a plan, and having someone who'll control your meds is important. Going cold turkey is hard, but the withdrawal is not strung out as long. Either way, you can get to the same end...It's up to you. We're here to help. Keep posting.