So....I ALMOST caved today. The newly detoxed here should probably read et

[Back2Me]

So today I have 27 clean days. And today I had a court date with my EX (I owe her money from my divorce). I had not been paying her almOst all year because basically I have been paying the bills and everything else went on pills basically. Dumb on my part I could have payed but my mind has not been right all year. Anyway Her lawyer was throwing the jail word around in the paperwork and I was nervous about going. I hired a lawyer even though I am jobless right now, those of you who have followed my post know the story. So looooong story short I got my hands on 3 percocets. My justification was "just in case". If they threw me in jail I would take 1 1/2 immediately just until the initial shock of going wore off and I would be alright. Whatever. Anyway her lawyer was being a beotch and I had the biggest panic attack ever. I started sweating alot and my heart was pounding. I put my hand In my pocketnand felt the pills like 3 times. Then I went upstairs and purchased a pop to wash them down if need be. I was VERY hesitant to take them though for some reason. Even though it felt like I was going to die from stress I just kept playing with them in my pocket. So it was our time to see the judge. I sat in his courtroom waiting for him. I knew I had about 25 mins. I took the pills out if my pocket.....oops, lost one, only 2 in there. Where the hel did it go?I searched around and figured it fell out while getting my money out for my drink. Oh well
I only have two that's ok. I took them out, looked at them, rolled them around in my hand still sweating my *** off and panicked. But I was still
very reluctant. I put them back. I did this like 5 more times. Then I said ok if I get put in jail I will take them. Let's just wait and see. So I did. It was nerve racking in front of the judge but NO JAIL. So I gather my stuff and leave. On the way out I put on my headphones and walked out still on the wagOn! I know it was a bad idea but it was a unique day. Very stressful. But I DID IT. And coming out of there knowing that really boosted me up and i felt a lot like my OLD self. Very confident and ready to take on ANYTHING. It was a very good feeling. I know I have LOTS of hard work ahead of me but it was really encouraging to know I did that. I never even went back to search for the lost pill!  The old me would have hired bloodhounds to find it. I really hope I can keep this up. I am changing thins in my life to make it easier. But it's going to take a while maybe I am really done this time. I am VERY GLAD I did not take it. I would be feeling very dumb right now. It's crazy how we have to be so careful for the rest of out lives I believe. We have a lot of work ahead each in our own way but I feel like I might do it this time...,.at least for today.

[rligh09]

I like personal tests. A friend came over right before Christmas and I was really sick with a head cold and no energy to bake teacher gifts or wrap gifts for 4 kids or write Christmas cards. So being the grat friend he is says hey why dont you just take this and you know you will feel better, and he hands me a perc 30. I just stared at it and I though good god what I could get done with that bad boy!! But I just politely said no thanks hon I'm all good I have some advil and tea, this cold will pass. I think he just wanted to see if we would cave becasue after he left my husband said he offered it to him to and he said no also. This friend has been trying to quit for a while and can never get past day 3 or 4 I think it kills people to see someone else succed when they have failed so many times before. When we quit drinking for about 4 years because it got out of control we lost friends like we had the plague, people who were out besties at the bar didnt want to be near out sorry sober ***** anymore. This was before the Vicodin so we were stone sober. We were just a reality they couldnt face.
@ back2me whatever lifes challenges you are facing you can handle it just take them on in small pieces at a time and slowely but shorely mount everest will start to crumble. When we quit drinking we were two days from losing our home to foreclosure and neither of us worked and everything was getting shut off and the credit card people were PISSED, but we pulled it off and were ok for quite some time I think you'll find once you are on the right track life starts giving you little rewards you just have to look for them a little harder than most people.
Good Luck and I hope you see a turn around soon!!!

[faith_hope_love]

Congrats to both of you back2 and ct!  So far, I have not had any cravings but I hesitate to say that because right when you say something like that all h*ll can break loose..lol.  I think because this time I am so angry at the waste of time these pills caused.  Looking back, I see alot of depression I was dealing with, fear for my future, etc..many excuses to keep self-medicating and not to mention the back issues which are not as bad as I thought they would be off of tabs.
One motivator this time for me is fitness and health.  I really am into trying to eat right, I am following that page to the left on amino's and vitamins. (I feel like this is helping me heal my brain, I am on this mission to make sure my brain starts making it's own dopamine and whatever else I need to feel good mentally..lol)
Anyhow, don't worry guys, we will make it.  One day we can look back and be so thankful we made the right choices.  People all over the world are dying every single day due to accidental overdoses from opiates.  It really is an epidemic. Our kids and families need us.  We don't want to be a statistic.  ttyl! lyn

[Back2Me]

You 2 brother. Well 31 for you!

[ctblues]

Congratulations on 30 days!!
ct

[ctblues]

just checking in...I am 30 days clean today, we have been together through this from the start. Glad you don't have to do jail time...

I had a test not long ago, I found a 40, I flushed it. Initally I romanced it in my head. Then I had a reality check, and looked at the pill like an evil demon, wanting my life again. I got pissed off and flushed the demon down.

I am trying to change my attitude, you need to as well. Any time you start romancing the pills, stop...remember what they do, they steal our soul and take our life.

I don't know how you walked around with pills in your pocket. Talk about flirting with the devil. Don't do that again, you will fail if you have them on you or in your life.

You have your life back, your choices. Stop letting the pills control your thoughts. The chains are off, keep them off.

You may not know it, but you inspire me to stay clean. I know you are doing it and it helps me...Stay strong, your doing great...we both are.
ct

[jonesing_charles]

White knuckling, what a ride, but, you did it.
It's funny you mentioned 3 pills in the pocket. I have had 3 vikes in my pocket since I've dropped the Fentanyl patch and I just rattle them around with my change. I've only been off 3 days so I'm playing with fire, but testing my own character at the same time. I've congratulated myself for not caving, but, your stress makes your save even more impressive. Way to go.

[Back2Me]

Pills are gone. Not like I cant get some whenever I want but that's nOt my problem. The cravings are pretty bad right now I'm not going to sugar coat it. It's bad. But so is my determination. So today is another day down. Let's hope tomorrow is even better. I'm liking being clean too much right now even with all the crap and lingering issues. So many things I have not felt in a long time. So many good things. I can feel myself coming back. Don't want I waist all that pain during my wd.

[Ballgame]

Where are pills now? Get rid of them.

But don't understand why you would take them if thrown in jail. Doesn't make sense to me. Anyway.... Stay clean because it was h&ll for you to get off them. Bookmark your withdrawal thread and read that when you are tempted

[Back2Me]

Yes, I am the same way right now. It's like I make deals all day long. I was just doing it. It's like ok if we get up and take showers well go out and get something to eat, and then if we come home and search for jobs, then after we will watch a movie. Then tomorrow when we get up we will play some guitar hero to get ready for the day! I am bargaining with myself all day long like this. Motivation is at zero. And right now I need t to be at 10. I have an very uncertian future ahead and a MOUNTIAN of things to face that I have no way of solving. So many ends that are not tied up. No where to stay pretty soon. Two dogs that i can not bring anywhere with me if I did find a place (pitbulls) that are family and I cannot just leave them. No jobs. No money. And pretty soon no stuff. So now would be a great time to have some energy but I really believe my situation is keeping me from feeling better and it is killing my motivation. It's like looking up at MT Everest from the bottom with no gear or training and now I have to get to the top. It's just not possible so why bother. Even though you know it's the only way it's impossible so you don't rem want to start. And even though it's not Everest here... It's pretty damn close.

[rligh09]

Great post!! I think you should be a writer, you wrote so candidly about your experience and I smiled the whole way through it, thinking oh yeah I would have done that 2!! We have been clean about the same amount of time and it is TOUGH to get motivated!! I do it in a reward system style, If i get up and clean one room of the house I let myself read for an hour then I go clean another and then read till the house is clean, and then the kdis come home from school trash the place and we start all over the next day!!!

Good luck and I look forward to seeing more of your posts!!

[jeffclowns]

good job on not taking them man ..i have a little story i am going to share with you ,when i quit i did it with my buddy and wouldn't you know it his phone was blowing up for like 2 weeks after we both quit ,he was actually going to still get them to pass along to another person he knows and for 2 weeks he would come by and there his phone would ring i was finally like dude you have to cut all ties to this crap yeah you may be making a couple bucks now but it's not worth it, your jeopardizing mine and your sobriety and finally i got through his thick skull and he did tell the people i am done don't call me about those anymore but for a while i was skating on thin ice i am just lucky i guess i didn't slip and fall on my a ss ..lol..but we learn from our mistake but glad to hear you didn't F up your clean time today really .that's something to be proud of man...it really is..god bless...jeff...

[BrotherFrankie]

i hope those pill are in your pocket when the pants get washed..

[laurel453]

that's great the "no matter what" club, Kim :)

Back2me, i didn't want to sound like preaching... you are truly being tested BIG TIME. You are going to be ok... i was like you, everything was a excuse to use and i share evry one of the words you have said " when things were going great i used and now that things are crappy i decided to stop " . This was my case. What keeps me focused is that i do know that because  things go crappy for us, we just can not use no matter what ;) keep walking and working on your sobriety and it will pay off, trust me. You are doing great but we have to learn something new about our behaviour in order to keep ourselves on track.

[notmerry5]

I need to join the "No Matter What Club" too. Thanks

[Dav125]

The "No Matter What Club"??? Thats great Kim!

[kimbo546]

Hi.. Im so glad that this turned out the way it did. We have alot of those no matter what moments in life. Just because you get clean doesnt mean, you will not have to walk through some crap. You should join the no matter what club. We dont use no matter what! Thanks for coming on here to share with us..lets us know how powerful the disease of addiction is, cunning and baffling. Keep your guard up, and remember dont use no matter what life throws at you! Kim

[Dav125]

Geez ,it does sound like your torturing yourself.. I don't know? Maybe try to focus on days past "before" pills? I remember those days. And I hope to get back to those types of days because I was functioning just fine without them nor did I need them back then. Thats a fact..Something very real, it did happen, it was happening, so why can't it be that way again?  I know of no reason why it can't be that way again. Just got to find my way back to it..And "not" using or even considering it is the only way I can think of to do that :)

[Back2Me]

Yeah this was one of those let that be a lesson posts and not a victory post. I mean I feel really good that I could turn it down when it came down to it but it was still scary that I brought them. But if you would have known me tha past three years you would say it was a miracle. It got so bad that ANY excuse to use I did. And THIS event would for sure be a reason for the old me to use. Just a trip to a store or or the movies or to work ot wath a ball game on tv or pretty much doing ANYTHING or going ANYWHERE was reason enough for me to use. Now I do everything without it. It is hard, very hard to train your brain into thinking it's going to be ok to do stuff without it. But I have been. Going to my kids basketball games, my back hurts sitting in the stands, it's usually a long drive, it's FREEZING outside, but I pull it off without pills. I THINK about them, I just dont do it. At least I haven't yet. And I am determined not to. I have been functioning without them now for almost 30'days. The last 4-5 days have been very hard with the cravings. The stress and the pressure I have now with everything that is going on is just debilitating. I cannot get myself motivated in this situation and the depression from freshly coming off the pills is not helping. Yesterday was just a REALLY bad day on top of eerything else. It was a weak moment but honestly any second of the day right now could be a reason for me to use. When things were going great I used and now that things are crappy I decided to stop. Man it's like I love torturing myself or something.

[vicki595]

Okay...you got through THIS time but something else will come up. Life is full of bad moments and situations.

I'm glad you were strong.  This kind of thing is the reason we harp on aftercare so much.
You should have never purchased those pills!! That was the beginning of a relapse right there.  

Get yourself into some kind of support network in addition to the forum. It really helps. For now,you just can't take your own advice!!

Stay strong now...no buying pills!!

[laurel453]

step by step ... and take each day at a time goes also with take each experience at a time and work on it and learn from it, Back2Me... I am sooo glad that you didn't take those pills :) BUT please, work now on the reasons you decided what you decided and the reasons why you didn't take those pills...You decided that It was not on your hands but on the judge hands to take or not to take and as you know well, this is the addict's mind speaking and you letting it  take the decisions. First of all, your addictive mind dictated your behaviour . As it is normal for us , addicts, the first thing we do is running away and hiding behind our pills with anything we fear or anything we don't like and we go for the pills. This is addictive behaviour . As for now, i would think of the aftermath if you had taken those 2 pills, would you have solved anything ? NO , work on this now because in a way, you relapsed mentally.... and this is the first step.

You know that whenever you feel like  panicking or facing life , your addictive mind is going to speak, be ready to face those thoughts with rational thinking, otherwise, our anxiety goes wild and we start letting our addictive minds speaking and taking the decisions... I tell to myself that running away from reality is not going to solve anything just the opposite. If you had taken those pills, not only you have had  relapsed but you would have made yourself weaker to face whatever would happen on jail. Your mind would be in a much worse place, you will not take the right decisions because you will be thinking of taking more, of beating yourself because of what you have done, you would have lost your self steem and all that was recovered after getting clean..... you would not only be in jail but in a much worse place with yourself. Those are the types of thoughts you have to tell to yourself whenever you start hearing your addictive mind to shut it up

You need changing now this way of thinking so next time you are faced with something similar, you don't take the first step to relapse, much less the second one... ALL THE BEST and congrats on not taking the second one :).

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

Wow...amazing!!! I'm so proud of you for not taking them or going to look for the rogue pill. Totally would have hired bloodhounds, yes. Isn't amazing the power we think we don't have, but then the power we get in a situation like that? I'm not talking will power, I'm just talking power over this thing, even though we're supposed to succumb to being powerless..you know what I'm trying to say...??!! Yes, we have to be so so careful every move we make for the rest of our lives. It's so easy when we're using to justify and rationalize every single time we use, steal, lie, etc..but then a funny thing happens once we start to get past the initial physical wds..we gain this clarity.

And I know all too well about court...ick....did you have to go to Murphy? (I'm in MI too...) I've been there a few times unfortunately, but have come out the other side too. It's almost like you have to look at it that you passed a huge test. You passed your first big test when you lost your job back when you were first getting clean. Such a hard test to go through. It's such a stressful thing, and that is how we used to cope with any feeling, especially one of distress - take pills..but you can hold your head up very high (no pun intended, lol) and know that you really can get through anything pill free. I'm just glad things went the way they did for you so that you weren't put in a position to have justified taking those pills. And from my past experience (and hopefully never again in my future) any time I relapsed,  the wds from even a couple pills would be harder..and then think, you'd be in jail having to go through some sort of wds, then coming down from those you'd be so pi$$ed off at yourself and stuck in there so there'd be nothing you could do...whew, what a relief!!

Where did you get the pills though? What did you end up doing with them? I know you sound like you're in a good place right now and it doesn't sound to me like you'd go back to where you came from, but I hope it was a one time thing where you have no more pills and that you got rid of the 2 you had left...? Just concerned, as I know the temptation is always lurking around the corner. But at any rate, congrats on the good news of no jail and the accomplishment of not taking any pills. 27, now almost 28 days..go you!!! Chin up and keep this positivity and strength.
Alison