Sobriety or reality?

[Madmax88]

Hello all, here in about an hour will be my 1 month marker clean off opiates!! I feel great about that, still a little off but doing just fine. Anyways I know the first 21 days were because of withdrawal symtpoms and what not, but now this depression feeling I get just leaves me guessing. I figure my body is just still going through withdrawals I know that I am cause of how high my anxiety was today. I don't have anxiety often and didn't durring withdrawals (least not noticable ones) but today's anxiety had me so crazy. Anyways I'm starting to think my depression is due to being sober. I guess in a way I could say things haven't gotten better they just got real ******* CLEAR!! I feel like my depression is from life. They said in my NA class to not make any big changes in my life such as moving or breaking off relationships or quiting job etc etc. figured that's a good idea, though is impossible for me. I'm 26 years old and I am an addict but I guess I just didn't realize how much I was really screwing my life up. I wasn't a drug addict til 24 and didn't notice till 25.  I thoug I have been doing good these last couple years, work and working out relationships everything I was doing good. Though I was numb to emotions I have so many emotions now tonight for the first time in years I broke out crying cause my wife left for work? Wtf? Anyways my dad and I have always remained in each other life but him being a full blown alcoholic I quit wanting to see him. He skipped out on child support for me and my mom never was around much as kid and I just didn't like my dad but I did love him. Though now he has 8 months to live and I never heard my dad say I love you or I'm proud and that **** tares me up knowing me and him will never have 1 moment before he dies. My mom is in the oil and gas industry which is crashing and here in Texas that employs a lot of people well her business is going under and it scares the **** out of me knowing my mom might be jobless. I have a bail bonds company, and my main employee the one that basically runs the show died 2 months ago so needless to say I'm overwhelmed with work. I love working out I always have and I can't get time to talk about a gym. Then I told my NA my lease is up and my landlord is selling the house and were needing to move but need to wait a few more weeks for paychecks to come in. So we have a few grand to move, but the lease is over next week. The stress and anxiety and depression are just worst now than they were durring withdrawal. Though I think it's do from my emotions from life, not because of the absence of opiates. Lol I pray it is because of absence but Idk. Owning your own company means no health insurance which ***** I don't have any health problems but I could now and not know it ducking *****. I'm 26 completly healthy and it will cost 950 a month for good insurance I can't do that right now. Anyways sorry for the ramble felt like talking about it in more detail than what I can with my NA class and I don't have anyone to talk to about this I do but I wont. Telling loved ones my struggle just isn't in my blood.

Besides that I have 1 month clean off opiates, trying to make myself smile but I can't get all this out of my head!!
But truly happy that I'm not going back to pills!!

Sorry if there are a lot errors and misspelled words Im at work currently at 11:00 at night.

[VICourageous]

HI Madmaxs88

Was wondering how you have been.
I am so sorry to hear of all your struggles. I know how it feels, as I had so much thrown at me in early Recovery and all at the same time!

Just hang on to each and every moment you can for yourself and love others along the way. Life will go bye quick, so please make the best of it. YOU are still young and that is a Great Big Plus on your side! Just try to stay clam and keep the Faith! Pray for all of this to work out for the best. I too am so sorry about your dad, but yes he has hidden his own emotions too by drinking them away. Understanding Addiction and others who still use is where Al-anon will come in beside your other meetings.

YOU have come so far and you are on the right track. Other things will fall in place and some days are UP and others are DOWN..This is Life!  Most of the time I have to hand these situations over to my God. Very Proud of YOU and plz keep us updated or get on here and help others too! Bye sharing with others, it keeps our mind off r own issues for the time. Be Safe, Be Good!
Bless U
Vickie

[Madmax88]

Krissy I love how you said he's an addict too that's a great way of putting things!!! Anyways thank you for the response, I understand everything you said. Just trying to actually do it lol, one day at a time right but damn it just gets to the boiling point of wanting a release (mind altering substance) I've even consider weed that's how bad my addict mine wants to escape.

[Krissy_123]

Congrats on one month clean!!!! That's an awesome accomplishment!! You have ALOT going on right now,so what you're feeling is totally normal. Anyone would be stressed out in your shoes. The big difference is if you were still using this would have rolled off your back easier. I'm not saying you wouldn't still be stressed,but we are pretty emotionless when we are on the pills and don't have the mentality to stress like we should. I hope that makes sense? Lol. Things will work out,just work on one thing at a time and remember to stop and take a  breath now and then. And the situation with your dad,I'm sure he is very proud of you and loves you very much!! You no what it's like to be an addict and to live in a addicts head. So with him being an alcoholic you know he's going to be pretty bad at showing emotions to. Since his are all repressed as well. I do hope things can get better for you two though and I hope you're mum doesn't lose her job.....remember just breathe!! ;)