Step 9 - please don't move this

[Merri123]

So my husband and I have been separated for a year and half Bc if his continued drug use. He has now been on Suboxone for 3 mos and did outpatient and attends AA.

He wants to meet to do AA step 9. I am hesitant bc we argue a lot, he blames me always for what is happening and us not getting along and basically argues with and discounts everything I say as not being right or having a bad attitude and cutting him down. I can't comment on anything, give my opinion or ask a question without him taking it as me being mean. I'm trying to have a conversation like normal people do. If I don't agree with him then I am wrong. Also he is very self absorbed and only cares about himself. Example - my daughter needs a procedure done in her heart inApril. I mentioned this bc I was stressed about it and he didn't care. Didn't ask why or what for or where. Nothing.

So I am hesitant how this will turn out. I know he is not supposed to blame me but be truly sorry and remorseful for what he has done. The way he treats me and blames me makes that hard for me to believe.

So how do you handle this? I'm asking here bc this is where I pist. Many older posters know me. Thanks.

[clean_in_ks]

GREAT post, tommm70!!!

[tommm70]

It is very possible to work the steps in 3 months. Everyone is different, and a good sponsor will know when it is time to move to the next one. Based on what your husband is telling you, it does not sound like he is one of them.
I think we are getting hung up on time tables for the steps, when the ultimate goal is a life transformation. There is no finish line. Addiction is a lifetime disease that has no cure. Like diabetes it requires daily management. My "insulin" is meetings, and staying connected with service and fellowship.
The steps and AA have given me another chance to be happy in life. That's just speaking for me though. I would rather be sober, happy, and loving life, than be "clean" 20 years still doing the same miserable things I did while in active addiction.
One day at a time might seem cliché, but it really keeps me grounded, and I don't worry about time table, finish lines, graduations, birthdays. I just focus on taking care of me, and doing the next right thing suggested by people with the same illness.

[msdelight]

Just my opinion here, since I live with a master manipulator. I think he is trying to manipulate you. He can not possibly be on step nine yet. He has a hidden agenda, and is trying to pull on your heart strings and use AA to get what he wants.  I would skip meeting with him altogether as you must protect your own sobriety, and look out for your children.  I think your gut feeling about this is right. Good luck to you and prayers out for your daughter.

[kellygirll]

I'm with you i have had my sponsor for 5 months and i have only done step one she told me the other day we will go over it again quick to make sure I'm ready to go on to step 2 very slow and steady......yep

[motye51]

My personal opinion is 3 months seems way to soon to 9th step someone??? Only having roughly 3 months how is he already on step 9??? Maybe my sponser is different b/c mine has me working slow...slow and steady. He might want to do a 9th step but if your not ready then he just needs to wait. If its sincere, then it shouldnt be a problem, right? Just seems awfully fast to me???

[Merri123]

Wow. Thank you all. I am familiar with the steps but have never been part of them myself.  Even with my own recovery. I do not attend AA for several reasons. But I have read the Big Book and am continuing to analyze myself daily to be a better person and Mother. Although my use was not a long period of time, it was still too long. And I strive everyday to make it up to my girls bc they were the ones who lost out during that time.

I was surprised that he wanted to do this so quickly. He has been an on and off user most of his life. Whatever he could get his hands on. When I met him he supposedly had been sober for 6 years. He was active in AA. I found out that was not entirely true later. He still used occasionally. Then his pill use and abuse became evident. Then when he had his back surgery and didn't have his prescriptions he went back to heroin. Didn't do anything with AA he said he would. He brought me into it (stupidity on my part) then his son. Yeah nice. I quit and he continued.

Then he got into an accident which resulted in 2 brain surgeries and a severe traumatic brain injury and all that was bad became a nightmare. Words can not explain how the next year was. He took everything out on me and my youngest daughter who was 7 at the time. I finally got him out of the house when he started getting his disability and he continued with his use tiill November when he had a seizure from a blood clot in his jugular vein and was in the hospital for several days. Well his use became evident there as he started to wd, tried to get someone to bring him his stash, and they ended up giving him suboxone. Then he started outpatient. This is his 2nd time. He did 28 days inpatient a year ago but that failed when he discovered I wasn't letting him move back in when he got out. I was so horrible to him bc if that (he literally hounded me for 2 weeks trying to convince/force me to let him back in) then started using again bc of the way "I treated him. "

he has never been able to take responsibility for his actions. We did counseling at one point and he only motive was to make sure the therapist knew I had used too. I had already discussed all that before our first joint session. It was a disaster.

I told him I would meet with him on Monday and listen with an open mind. But I made no promises and never have.  I still have a problem with him being on the suboxone and am worried about what will happen when he stops it. Last I heard he had started the weaning process. He started at 8mg and got himself up to 24 mg quickly. I was surprised the doctor let him get so high. I don't know where he is now. He doesn't think I ned to know that bc "I don't care" about him.

So I am reading and reading right now. Trying to get my thoughts together. It will be in a public place so if he gets mad I can leave.  Honestly at this point with all his lies and deceit he told me when we first met and was involved in AA heavily and the aftermath I don't know if I can ever trust him again.

[weaver71]

I am approaching 1000 days clean, I am still working on my amends. I am working on my amends and not telling anyone I am doing it. To make amends in my mind, I have to make what I made wrong, right, not just ask for forgiveness and mean it. For example, I had a bipolar psychotic break at 14 months off opiates, I had to leave a job that I was doing. Just yesterday, I climbed under the house, where I lost my mind, and am finishing what I started close to 18 months ago. I didn't ask my friend/client to forgive me, I am doing the things I think are necessary for them to forgive me. It is the same with my wife, I have spent extra time trying to be with her alone, without the kids. I try to spend time with the kids alone to, not to be forgiven for my drug induced absence, but to make up for the lost time.

At 90 days, I was ready to make some amends, and I did. The truth is, I think 12 step sponsors go too slow with the steps. I see many relapse at step 4, before they even start to make life better through amends, service, self-reflection, coping skills, etc... The original members who founded the program would do all the steps in one night and be teaching to the next person by the next day.They would keep going through them, getting more in depth each time. This gave them an outline, not a certificate of completion. Nobody does all their amends in one pass of the 12 steps, or they would be considered a saint, as I wasn't even sure of all the amends I needed to make until after at least a year clean. If you are not ready to accept his amends, then he simply needs to deal. The 9th step states that one should make amends wherever possible, unless it brings harm to one's self or others. If this is bringing harm to you, and he is trying to make amends anyway, because HE is ready, he is not actually doing the 9th step. He is working to free his guilt, not free your resentments.

Just my opinion, but I think it would do him some good to have you reject his effort this time around, I know I sure had to earn my right to make amends, and it is still going on. He will have to handle his disappointment with maturity and on his own. I hope he gets his chance to make amends with you, as a married addict, that has been really important for me. I also had to truly earn it, my wife did not accept my changes for a long time, definitely not the first year. It hurt so much, but I had to learn new ways to deal with that hurt, besides drugs. It was good for me to forgive myself, then do things to help others forgive me, that took more than 90 days. If he sticks with it, then you will have a chance later to allow  him to make his amends, the rest of his life, as a matter of fact. Don't do it for him, that is just continuing the enabling pattern, and only accept his efforts as you are ready. He has his issues to solve, you have yours, your kid has hers. You and your daughter are a team, he's on the bench for now, so pick your players wisely in this game. You don't use the weak pitcher in a game, when the whole year depends on the next pitch, even if he intends to make a perfect pitch. He will get his chance with his family, let him make the smaller amends for now, to get some practice. Thats what I would do, if I was not convinced that he is doing his amends the right way and for the right reasons. Even if he is doing it for the right reasons, but you are not ready, then he is still doing it wrong by pushing his will on you, like he has in the past. This is your time, do what it takes for you to be happy alone, he has time to make his amends and he might just need to feel his guilt longer, so he doesn't ever forget.

[kellygirll]

i agree with the above and also he has been off drugs for only 3 months? i dont think its possible to do steps 1-8 thoroughly in 3 months but thats just my opinion maybe he jumped to that one and wants to do that one first to make himself feel better not for the right reasons be careful and protect yourself from his emotional manipulation i hope you daughter is doing well prayers for her

[Krissy_123]

Yup yup I like the first comment on here too!! She is your life,your baby,your soul and he should want to be there for you every step of the way with her. Proves right there he isn't doing step 9 for anyone but himself. I'm sorry for your sweet baby girl,I pray all will go well with her surgery!! <3

[staase]

I like what tommm said. I know nothing about the 12 step program but your ex sounds so much like mine... did you have to walk on eggshells around him for fear of starting an unwarranted fight? Idk, as much as I loved (love) my ex, it would be very difficult for me to trust his intentions. For me, in my mind, in my experience, everything my ex ever did and still does is all self-fulfilling. Good for your ex to get help. But like what was already said, if you're not comfortable, don't do it. You are not obligated to be there for him. I know I couldn't... :/ I'm sorry. Good luck.

[tommm70]

That's a tough one. Step 9 is of course making direct amends. I wanted to ask a few questions

Are you familiar with the 12 steps, and how they are worked in the program?
Does your husband have a sponsor and has he worked the first 8 in order? Have you been a part of his treatment? I wanted to do step 9 right away, because I wanted to try to selfishly get my marriage back, even sober early in it was all about me. It sounds like he is still selfish and self centered in regards to your daughters surgery. That's a red flag imo. Be careful he is not trying to manipulate you, and that he truly is on the right path,

Step 9 is not about asking for forgiveness, it is someone taking accountability for the things they have done to hurt someone. So if he is doing step 9 so he can apologize and expects you to just forgive, then he is doing the step wrong.
Just be mindful, which it sounds like you are, as to what his true motives are.
Listen to your gut, it's almost never wrong.

Good luck, and remember to do what's best for you. If you feel that him doing step 9 will hurt you, don't accept it. it might be to early. And he can finish the steps without doing all of his amends.

Sorry I am just speculating a lot here, I hope he finds peace in sobriety.