Donations

[Philip1815]

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the encouraging words. Donations can be made online at:

http://www.medhelp.org/donate/MakeaDonation.htm

or snail mailed to:

Med Help International
6300 North Wickham Rd.
Suite 130, PMB #188
Melbourne, Florida 32940

Regards,
Phil

[angst]

Tracy, I've written you today and also posted to you.  Don't you dare call the pharmacy.  You have come this far for a good reason.  In NA, we call that stinking thinking, and you've got a good case of it today.  We all go there I think.  It is then you find a new coping skill.  I will help all I can.  You can talk to me, as I've opened up to you.  We can get through this together.  The whole of the forum is greater than any one of us.
Just remember, I care.   Ava

[tex3]

I'd love to chat today but I'm such a downer that I think I'll just read. Frenchee, I get that same paranoia; kinda crazy in an "anonymous" forum, but then we have odd waves of dealing with life, huh? But please know you are welcome and needed here. How are you feeling?

Angst -- I will email you from my reg email today, as I haven't got around to setting up a new account with yahoo yet. Things just suck today, and I hate being like this. Headaches aren't nearly as bad, so that's one thing that's positive! I'm just so down and having cravings so bad (I think because even with all the evidence to the contrary I still think it'd make me feel better, at least for 15 mins) that I'm actually considering calling the pharmacy. Please someone, tell me not to! I just feel like ****, like I said a real downer today, and I apologize.

[groovygirl]

or, we could meet in one of the yahoo chat rooms...they have various ones that we could take over.

[Witchywoman]

There is a web site called www.talkcity.com that has the capacity to let you create your own chat room. You have to sign up and then download their chat room program, but you can then set up your own chat.

I found out about through the NA website, as they run some online NA meetings through this. I haven't tried to use it yet, but will give it a test run to see if this is a viable option for us.

love,
WW

[groovygirl]

hi - you guys talked about chatting - let's set up a time.  i'll be around on and off all day today (friday).  i never have a problem getting in, but i'm going to look around and see if i can find an easier place to get in...

[scared in so cal]

Hi Frenchee,
I'm not sure where you chat either but as everyone else seems to feel, I would love to chat. I'm no computer expert, but I wonder if we could somehow make our own chatroom separate from this website. I hear there are zillions of chatrooms everywhere.
I also want you to know that last week when you posted about the dr hopping my heart went out to you. I couldn't imagine something like that happening to me. If you don't mind me asking, what type of insurance do you have? Is it HMO or something? Where was your right to privacy regarding this?! I thought insurance companies needed signed authorization forms before giving out personal information.
I laughed when you mentioned the paranoia (not at you, with you). I feel since all of these drugs that I have become a much more paranoid person. I wonder if anyone else feels this way.

[angst]

Hello, as it was said, you are welcome here.  The chat room is used by all forums sponsored by the same company.  I am on methadone, because I am a dilaudid addict.  I also take a large dose of xanax for PTSD, borderline d/o, and asthma.  I've been on benzo's for 22years of my 36 years alive.  The methadone saved my life this time.  I do not recommend it to others unless they have a heavy, heavy addiction.  There are a lot of chronic pain patients who post here as well as addicts.  When someone posts to you, if you want to talk, just post back.

[Witchywoman]

Hi Frenchee
You know, in all the time I've posted here I've never figured out how to use the chat room. I think it is there for all of the entirety of the medhelp forums, so even when folks go in, it may be filled with people who are not from this forum.

Keep posting! Sometimes it takes a while to make connections, but please know that you are welcome here, and we need each other, always!

take care,
WW

[Frenchee]

Hey guys.. Please let me know where that chat room is... I want to chat. I need the support as everyone in the forum does... I think so...
I have been doing all right. Tired and hurting but dealing with it.
Hope to hear from everyone soon...
PS: I always feel left out because noone answers my post when I post.. Maybe it is called paranoia... : )

[tex3]

I am so sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday. I never got back online, as I've felt crappy the past two days.
I know how you feel about your John. Fifth wife, huh? Not a very good track record. I'm sorry; I don't mean to be a ***** (and you certainly weren't so don't even say that! You are human, nothing more or less). I just feel protective, I suppose.

I am going to sign up for a Yahoo account so we can discuss some stuff privately. I can't do it here. How old are you now?

I will post my address as soon as I get it set up. I have to go pick up my girls in just a bit, so it might not be done until tomorrow, but I'll do it asap. Please, don't be so hard on yourself. You were at a very vulnerable point, and regardless as I said you were human; we do things we might regret, but that's what makes us who we are now. Maybe there's a higher reason these things happen. I don't have the answers, by any means, as I've screwed my life up pretty good too. Part of me is bursting to unload but I'm so ashmamed of so many things. I'm sure many here can relate, huh?

On to happier topics: How is work? t

[angst]

Tracy,   Work will start in mid May.  I trying not to put all my faith in that apprentiship at the yard.  I still look at the want ads after I do the crytoquote and crossword puzzles.  I avoid some issues, but I do not understand why.  Maybe I like being dependent on Michael, but I've always been independent.  That caused much stress on our marriage, when we were we.  I love him, like a brother.  I do not see us together as a couple.
After all that has happened, it is a wonder that we still talk.
All is well at the methadone clinic, I don't know if I should go up or leave it alone or go down.  I need to do the pro's and con's.  
How are your girls?  How are you?  Still suffering with the headaches?  Are you on premarin?  When you get your account set up, write me.  My email is ***@****.  I hope you are feeling better.  Good luck and Blessings,   Ava

[angst]

I did not consciously write that last comment.  After having Mother at home and on hospice for the last 3 months of her life, he knew when she passed.  Most people at work knew I was having a hard time with her passing.  I always viewed her as a better person than myself.  I was angry at God, and just plain angry with the world.  I was vulnerable, John stepped up and asked me if he could be of help.  I gave him my telephone number.  Before I realized who I would be hurting, I had already started seeing John.  His 5th wife was an administrator at the hospital system, but at a different hospital.  The affair was good, it was really good, but when it was bad, it was really bad.  His 5th wife haunts me still, even though we have not seen one another since Oct'2000.  
That was the cause of my marriage falling apart.  The only drug I asked John for was Esgic (with a barbituate) and he got me started on Xanax.  Before then I was on Serax.  It was a May December relationship. But he was sooooo good. He spoiled me also.
That is what I mean when I say the 2 men in my life, since age 22, have spoiled me.  I cannot take verbal abuse.  I've dropped guys quicker for that than anything else.

[angst]

it was my moms doc im such a *****

[tex3]

Sorry it took me a bit to get back. My husband came home for lunch so I got off. So the affair was with a doctor? Not one of yours, I hope. We deal with enough not having to worry about being taken advantage of. We've had similar ordeals with the medical problems and meds.

I started on pain meds because of the endo. After my hyst (just removed my uterus, but I'd had several surgeries) I was in constant, daily pain. A year later my right ovary, which was a mess, was removed. That didn't do a thing, so my doctor sent me to a pain mgmt spec. A year after that I knew I was having serious trouble with the pain meds. I loved them but was going through WDs all the time, as I constantly used more than I was supposed to. They upped my dose on the hydros and put me on OxyContin, which thankfully I never "liked." I had another lap, which did nothing. I quit the Oxys but stuck with the hydros. Things were getting really bad and my husband was constantly on me. I went into detox but was still in so much pain that it didn't last; plus, I just wasn't ready. I switched to buprenex and things were really good for about six months. Then the ordeal of having to get off the bup and back on norco, and I quickly got worse off than I ever was. I quit my job and knew I was ready to get off the dope, but needed to get rid of the pain to handle it. I had surgery in March to remove my last ovary, then a week later went back to my addiction doctor to detox. My last pill was March 31. I still have pain from the endo; I think the adhesions will never free me from that. But it is bearable now. Before this surgery my ovary had a huge cyst that was bleeding into my pelvis, which was why the pain was so bad at the end. I'm not fooling myself though; it was the high I really liked. Except at the end, there was no high anymore; I just had to take the pills to feel normal.
The cravings for me fade fast too, but they are always lurking. I haven't had dreams of using, though. That must really suck. I won't ask you to elaborate because it might make them worse!

You've been through so much with your ex and everything else. Are you still in love with him, or do you love him more as the father of your child? Both are very strong, of course, but one might be easier to deal with when you move on. What are your plans for the future? It's good that he's helping you, but it also might be keeping you chained to the past and in perpetual guilt over the affair. When I feel too bad over anything I did, I remind myself that I SHOULD feel bad, but that I also must move on and forgive myself. I'm Catholic, too, and we love to feel guilt, huh? But if God can forgive me, maybe I should forgive myself. Easier said and all that, and I confess there are some things I'm still not past and probably never will be.

Did you love this doctor?

[angst]

Tracy,  if you want to try the chat room.  I'll be ready. I need to ask how the cursor so I can write.  I have checked it out and it it always empty.  Just tell me when.  I am ready now.  When they did your surgery for endo, did they take everything?  They did when i had my surgical hyst.  I did not want anymore symptoms popping up.  I had the hyst with removal of both ovaries.  I had 4 surgeries for endo, before the hyst.  That was enough for me.  I do not have much pain from it now.  I felt blessed to have a daughter.  So many women could not have any children.  I'm still having a few cravings, but not as bad as last week.    I hope you doing well.   The cravings usually do not last a long time for me.  It is using dreams that really bother me.  I cannot change what I dream.  Then the dreams will haunt me.  I think I am going through a situational depression over living here with my ex.  I will not let any man verbally abuse me.  The two men in my adult life have spoiled me.  My ex went through so much with me.  He still is.  When you share a child, you are bonded forever.  And we are Catholic.  So the Church does not recognize our divorce.  We are not intimate.  I do not think I am healed enough from the surgery.  He is not attracted to me, because of the affair with the doctor for 3 years.  And my years of on an off of drugs have left him with a different perception of me than when we first married.  I let my child and my ex down so many times.  They have always let me come back.  At least I have not been under the bridges yet.  I hope I will do what I need to do at the methadone clinic, so that once I detox this time, I will have a foundation to build upon.  I still read my NA material.  We addicts share so much.  I used for chronic pain first.  Then I started liking the euphoria and how they made me feel normal.  I now know they altered my personality so those close to me knew something was not right.  If you want to chat post me right back.

[tex3]

I'll chat, but like you I'm always the sole person in there when I try it out. Let me know when you're going to be around. tracy

[Witchywoman]

Thanks for posting where to donate Phil.

This site saved my life, my marriage, and connected me with some wonderful people.  You've no idea how much I value this forum.

I wish I could donate more, but I'll give what I can.

love,
WW

[oh please already]

ill go chat. lets set a time ,   laura

[groovygirl]

hi - i'm planning to make a donation at some point soon.  i want to know what's up with the chat room and why no one from here goes there? every time i try to go there, there is either no one there, or there are people from another message board....never any addicts:(

if anyone ever wants to try and meet there, i'd be up for it...it would be more like "talking" than posting messages.

[GOD]

To all of you that this forum has helped, please donate. I am by no means rich, but I will put in a donation for the cause. I can say that this forum has put me in a better mood on many of those hard days.

Jess