Painkillers and Life

[GDTRFB]

Been on OC, Hydro, Duragesics, etc. At the highest point I was consuming 10-12 40 mg of OC painkillers (PK) - taking more than what was prescribed for over 2 years.

The pills made me want to work more and I felt they were really beneficial to more than just fighting the ongoing pain. However, I have gone up and down on the amounts I take and have found that I have become depressed recently. Although, I am not sure how much of this has to due with the loss of my father, a mid life crisis - loosing a job, a boss stealing roughly $200,000 from me (the only money I had after a nasty divorce), and a lack of direction in my life due to issues I know, or have a very good idea, nobody here could understand or relate to - though I do not want to elaborate too much on an open forum for fear of not knowing who monitors these boards - I'd rather remain somewhat anonymous.

The painkillers work to alleviate not only my pain but also the psychological downs, but this cant be good or can it? I do fear that they have also played a part in my lack of sex drive, since I am now married to a very, very attractive , wonderful woman. I cant explain going from being very sexually active to nothing at all. It just seems so odd that the depression and lack of sex drive really set in right at the passing of my dad.

At times I feel like giving up on life  since I do not see any light at the end of the road - being jobless, having no money, and surviving on social security at the age of 45. I want so, so much for my wife, more than anything else in the world and there are times I think she would be much better without me in the picture. I know I am rambling with no real premise or objectivity or question to this posting, I think I am just confused to whether or not I should try to remain on the prescribed dose of painkillers and look to alternatives for the depression and sexual downturn, i.e. testosterone injections, or if the painkillers are the root of all that troubles me right now. I believe that I might be more productive and have a better outlook without them, yet when I do take higher does than recommended I seem to be much happier and accomplish more throughout the day. Wanting to rid myself of them tells me, however, that I might have a problem. Not being able to just stop taking them doent allow for me to identify any correlations, but when I begin weaning down is when I really become depressed and unproductive.
Any thoughts to my ramblings?
I just feel stuck, sad, and pray I don't cause any unhappiness in the life of my wife.

[sadgirl7]

lonely in house with you ,you and me and it.

it takes you away to a place i cant be .

it leaves me all alone.

but somebodies always home.

once upon a time i was really alone but i was here.

now i don't matter any more cause i live with you and  you have it .

it's all that matters to you and will always come before me.

before when i was really alone at least i could be me and play the monkees and escape into my world a world  with out you and it.

i could at least take care of me,sort of.

but now i don't exist.

there is nothing here for me.

[ponytailbob]

WD is good, just annoying.

[GDTRFB]

Thanks for all the comments. There are so many things going on in my life and that have happened in my life that it would take me 1/2 an hour to post. I am hoping to reduce my use of a fentanyl patch and 80 mg of oxycodone down to the patch and hydrocodones on the third day of wearing the patch and when WD set in. I am working my way back to an exercise program - once this soreness of the first day wears down a bit. The last time I was working my way off the use of any opiates I felt that exercise was the key. Now that I am 3 week post operation I hope that I will be able to reduce everything down to zero within a 4 week period. Moreover, I hope that this helps with everything else in my life and I find that it was only the use of the opiates causing the mental anguish I have been going through.

[ponytailbob]

expressing affection is highly underated, and is intimate way beyond sex.  Having said that, that consideration seems a bit premature at this stage,  There's a whole lot of giving time time at this point.  just staying clean and letting life bring it's encounters, rather than correctly addressing "should".  Sweet, pretty Betsy has been very patient and undemanding, and we are sharing a wonderful romance without sex per se.  I try to do what I can do, and she occassionally gets her broom out, but things mostly just seem to quietly float along in a peaceful, happy, understanding way while just try to keep my side of the street clean and try to add to her life.  Sometimes things are better than others.  But the issue of sex (no pun intended) between us is about advancing geezerhood, not about dope.

[notgoingdown]

You hit the nail on the head. My AH is still on the small stuff (vic's) so it hasnt effected his ability yet, just his libido... I always get the feeling that he has this little calendar running in his head to remind him when he should be 'in the mood'. I cant explain it cuz even tho the frequency is less often now it really much deeper than that. The lack of what I feel is SINCERE affection outside of the bedroom. It always feels like what he says or does is a ploy to make me think everything is ok... that he is ok. None of it seems real

[SensibleInSarnia]

Some of the posts here are a shade misogynistic ,,, as if women wildly crave a sexual romp, when the libido thing is just another symptom to be dealt with by simple abstinence -- what about affection? It's messy when you retreat into a "Me!" mode, and it's a long climb from that sewer, when you're thinking you've got everything you need, and seemingly suddenly, you see you've got close to nothing.

Cuts way deeper than that ... no brilliancies on the way out here, but if you can't get over the "simple solution" -- always scoring, while someone who loves you worries, well, your hands come up empty.

[ponytailbob]

So I'd guess it's pretty clear.  I've also found that magnesium pills help, but you must buy Mg stearate or Mg citrate because they're more soluble.  There's life and hope.

[subpop200]

Message me if you'd like.  I have been on poppy pods for 5 months...last 3 weeks to a month almost everyday.  So yea, I got a problem but I know one day I won't be able to fool every one around me.  Your woman needs you man...you need to be there for her not her for you, remember that.  It is your biological role to be strong and to support people around you.  Opiates make us less than what we are.  Take the testosterone...try even to double the dose... it's not that bad to take 500 mg enanthate every 2 weeks if you can...people say steroids are horrible now that's truly just ********.  They don't kill anyone and you can't **** up your life on them, just be better, stronger, and more determined.  Well they can if you abuse them but not so much like abusing anything else that's legal too....it's no more dangerous than vitamin C or Centrum and it probably will help with withdrawal since you will feel a boost of confidence and strength adn you will get your endorphins going faster.  I'm an advocate of responsible steroid use for people that truly need it...moderation is key and in your case you might medically need it so don't feel ashamed to take it.  

[jt808]

hey buddy keep ur head up man trust me ur not alone and people do understand more than ull ever inagine, anyway does ur wife now about ur problems and is this ur first time trying? how do u plan on quiting if u dont mind me asking? and just noticed that u from chicago me too dont worry tho i dont kno ya.lol. anyway i was on alot of meds too at one point i was up to taking 60 morcos a day and than added oxies to the mix taking up to 6 80 mg oxies a day so im not gona lie ur gona have to really wana quit cuz its super hard actually its one of the hardest thngs ive done up to this point in my life im 26 yrs old and i nbeen taking em for almost 8 yrs so if u have any Qs or wana talk or anythng just hit me up. goo dluck.

[subpop200]

I'm pretty new in this website forum but I'll give you a little advice the way I know how.  First off, you are a MAN.  Think about that...as a man your JOB is to support your wife.  You need to tap into your warrior mentality and break through the addiction and just take the withdrawals after tapering...or if you can't taper just come off them period.  I'm on my second day of coming off opium pods (similar to taking large doses of morphine evrey day or every other day).  I'm having chills, aches, mild depression but I'm thinking about my girl the whole time...who I used to be before this.  I was addicted to pain, loved going to the gym and hitting the weights harder than anyone in my gym to the point of getting insane results and hard dense muscle that made me look frekay and awesome.  I'm tapping into my warrior mentality this whole time and thinking to myself....I AM A MAN AND I'M HERE TO BE STRONGER THAN MY WOMAN AND SUPPORT HER.  How can you do that with opiates making you less of a man and supressing what makes you a man...your own natural testosterone.  Go to the gym and hit it hard no matter how bad it hurts and don't forget to eat well to recover.  This WILL get your endorphins going way faster than anyone on this site that is going through withdrawals and not doing exercise.  I'm sure my addiction is not as bad as yours but I saw your pictures and it surprised me...you look well built, strong, and powerful.  

Another thing to think about to get you through it...if you feel vulnerable think to yourself...do I want to let my wife down?  If i give in...I don't truly love her.  She needs a man...so be on your way to making her feel like the woman she deserves to feel like, throw her up in the air, grab her and tell her....I'm going to beat this for myself and for you because I am a stronger mother ******.  

[BIKERDAD1963]

I cant tell you how similar your story is to my own. I had no sex drive what so ever and i was depressed because of it and because I new that my addiction was destroying my life and my family. I also do testosterone and it is a pain in the but. The drugs harm your pituitary gland which is what makes your body produce testosterone. I prayed many times for god to either let me be me again or to just take me now. I struggled with it for a year and prayed for a year. When I new things had reached a dangerous point in my life I finally just talked with my wife and let her now exactly what was going on with me. EVERTHING!!. I told her that I wanted to be me again no matter what. She was concerned about the pain that I mite be in from not taking the meds rather than being concerned about her own life and what the drugs were doing to her. Between her and my doctor I had a lot of support. We both went to my doctors appointments and did this together and it made us better. The good news is that after being off the drugs for a while your pituitary gland is suppose to return to normal. Even with taking the testosterone my sex drive still hasnt returned like it should but it takes time. You need to decide what is important in your life rite now. There are different methods to quiting. Between you and your wife and your doctor you will come up with a plan. you will be amazed at how the people you love will support you no matter what the problem is. Its honesty time. With yourself and your family. I was in your shoes and I did it. You can too. It is so much better sober. You will notice a huge difference and so will your family.

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

Opiates WILL decrease your libido...

Pill makes you NUMB and the longer you take them.. the more NUMB you become..
(and this is from a WOMENS side of view)

On a good note though... when you QUIT USING... your libido WILL return... maybe not the way it used to (oh.. being in my 20's and 30's) as I have found that being CLEAN for 52 days off of an 8-10 Norco habit a day... my libido is BACK and my husband is HAPPY... and... so am I!  

[ponytailbob]

a stab at humour, as politically incorrect and meaningless as possible.  This happened to me when I was 5 years older than you.  My advice is gratuitous, though frequently it isn't. You seem to be exploring alternatives.  I am experiencing consequences.
What is your best expression of yourself?  Do you really know?  Which of all alternatives leads to that expression?  Be brave.  Courage in the face of adversity.  Confront doubt and fear aggressively: ignorance and fear lead nowhere.  Be of good cheer, because you find what you look for.  practice changing your mind, just for the practice. no real success was ever accomplished without a joyful, willing, embraced.  When you get there, grasp all gonads firmly and just jump in.  A power greater than yourself will protect you.