Suboxone, xanax and the Gates of Hell

[thhom]

I was on suboxone for 8 years at about 14mg, tapered down to 2mg and jumped off 17 days ago. I know others have gone through higher jump offs, but I'm extremely depressed, can't hardly move, suicidal and living in squalor. I actually urinated on myself in bed and didn't get up to clean myself!!! For months I laid in bed in terror counting my breaths trying in vein to drift off to sleep. I showered every couple weeks and feared it was my time to leave this world. I lost the ability to determine what life is for or about, and couldn't contemplate why the human experience does good toward others and is generally helpful minded. I was reduced to a primitive animal searching feverishly for a tiny reason to live for.

This is a good site and I've real allot about the long half life and the tribulations of my sisters and brothers out there enduring this battle. A little bit more:  Three months ago I jumped off all my meds cold turkey except sub (as I continued my taper). They were as follows:

xanax (OMG! THE HELL!!!)
antidepressant
adderall
testosterone
2 blood pressure meds

I ended up in the hospital the 3rd day I stopped taking xanax, and had been on up to 4 mg / day. I had seizures and lost conscious. 22 hours slipped by as they worked to stabilize my seizures. I am now clean from benzo's for over 3 months and still feel very badly. I was totally ignorant to the protracted (long) withdrawal phase as my GABA receptors are slowly working their way the the surface to fire properly again. I believe it will be at least another 3 to 5 months until I feel human. Would anyone with this similar benzo experience please tell me how they faired please?

Yesterday I made an attempt on my life. My doctor had put me on an SSRI and clonadine which drove me to intolerable panic attacks leaving me both wanting to die and live simultaneously??? I cried in his office today as he he counseled me and held my hand. He wisely put me back on Adderall and I am feeling like I'm going to live. Today just after the first dose, the suicidal ideation vanished and I did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen for the first time in 2 months!!

Please post on this thread as to about how much longer this Sub hell will continue. Thank you all so very much for your kindness, candidness and support. I'm glad I found all of you.

[thhom]

Jinx_777,  

Damn, I totally relate!!!  No sleep for 5 days straight has to be nothing less than HELL! I'v been praying every 5 minutes and will begin adding you immediately.

It's day 25 and I'v had bathroom problems every 45 minutes since 11PM last night. Not to mention the intense panic, fear, watery eyes, jerking legs, disassociation and goose flesh. It's nearly palpable and casts a super intense darkness over everything. I can't even figure out what my usual routine and lifestyle was like. Everything is familiar but I can't figure out how to incorporate myself back in.

I'v been going to NA / AA every day but it doesn't even seen to stem the tide of pervasive drug thoughts; there always in the front of my mind. I'm not working right now because I can't. No way! I am just now able to get out of bed more and seem to be just existing. I'm praying I won't totally loose it from all this fear. I can't imagine you're able to work. Can you? That would take a Superwomen.  

Everything I'v read on the net and YouTube reinforces; IT WILL EVENTUALLY END AND WE'LL GET MUCH BETTER. That's good to know, but when??? I can totally relate about not being able to type. Everything is so hard, even opening a can of tuna fish. We just have to hang in there no matter what!

May I ask a couple questions please? It will help out allot;  

-  How long were you on xanax and how much we're you taking?
-  When did you stop xanax?
-  Did you taper? If so, how much were you taking when you quit?

-  How long were you on Sub, and at what dose?
-  When did you stop taking Sub?
-  Did you taper? If so, what dose were you taking when you quit?

The Amino Acid Protocal we're both on hopefully will really kick in pretty quick. I'v been on it now only 1 week but even that seems to be taking it's  time.  

Thank you so much for the update and I'm praying for you big time. I'm in Oregon and glad the entire world can blog back 'n forth. Hope to hear from you soon.

Please hang in there and lets look forward to getting out of HELL when we can blog back 'n forth about the tough phase we're both currently enduring.

[thhom]

I'm going through a double hell now that the sub withdrawal seem to really be kicking in. Xanax takes about a year and sub is different from person to person/

No sleep and so exhausted still despite amino acid protocol. Having intermittent panic and trying to keep going. I'm pretty scarred and glad to have your support. I can hardly type and just want to lie down. pray for me please.

[antumalen]

para poder dejar el tramadol debes pasar por el mismo infierno

[Jinx_777]

any medication that has the warning 'could lead to suicidal thoughts' is something I stay away from.  IN MY EXPERIENCE this included some anti seizure meds. suicidal thoughts would just pop in my head out of nowhere and became very dark and scary.  i did not know to expect any xanax withdrawal because I only took one at night, but did that for 3 yrs.  The thing I remember the most was not being able to sleep for 5 days straight.  not 5 minutes of sleep,  I also suffered from depression, but wasn't sure if that had to do with my life at that time or if it was the medicine

[thhom]

I'm out of bed for the third day and feeling really weak. It's touch and go, but I want to be well right now. The paranoia is getting better but the anxiety still lingering.

Keep you up dated/ keep posting . . . I need all you guys support.

[thhom]

Amandag78, please read my response to VIC. A literal miracle had occurred in the last 60 hours! I'v following the link I described to him 'AMINO ACID PROTOCOL' and bought them all of them just Wednesday $200 worth. I'v followed the directions explicitly for just going on 3 days and am a different person!. It's taken from the book, "End Your Addiction Now" by a doctor in UPstate New York. Please check it out.

I'm still tired and having goose flesh, but I's bearable and you're so right about getting off you bum and walking or just getting out of the house. It's been my dark PRISON since February 8th!!! YUCK!!!!

Thanks for being there for me. I only have a couple answers to this horrible perplexing problem that haunts so many hapless addicts, but anything I can add from what I'v learned from people like you and the others posting to my blog, together we can defeat this monster.

[thhom]

that's great VICourageous! Yes, as addicts we all have pretty dumb self destructive patterns. In just a 60 hour period I'v literally gone from a from a .2 to a 6 on a scale of one to 10!!! thats a 48 fold increase. Today for the first time in months I left the house, had energy and feel I'm well on my way to defeating the paralyzing anxiety!!!!

Yea, THE AMINO ACID PROTOCOL HAS BEGUN TO RE-BOOT MY BRAIN. All those months I was suffering alone in my bedroom I had a sneaky suspicion that amino acids were the big key, but I just couldn't bust a move to get anything done other than eat and go to the bathroom. (sad)

I have followed the instructions explicitly on the below link "AMINO ACID PROTOCOL" under "MOST VIEWED HEALTH PAGES". Please check it out and tell me what you think dude. It involves utterly humongous doses of these supplements but what the Hell? There's no price we can put on being restored to a human being as opposed to suffering beyond description in a never ending protracted state of utter hell.

thank you so much for your support and story, It helps so much I can't describe.
thhom

[Amandag78]

Well you sound so much better, and i think the lack of energy for us all is so trying and frustrating.
You sound determined and headstrong and i believe you will come out on the other side.
Vic just gave you some great advice as did Motye.
We all care so much for each other and want to see everyone succeed.
Its quite difficuilt in early detox, but each day brings great things.
Well done on your clean time.
Please keep updating, im very interested in your recovery and how your holding up.
Take care and hold your head high xx

[VICourageous]

Hi..You sound very positive..As far as the Amino-Acids I got them all compounded A-V in One Bottle back in 2012 when I came clean..Then I take some separate for energy and some to calm me down..Magnesium is a great one too. It helps with the Brain and also a great detoxer..If you drink lots of water you can also add some electrolyte powder to it plus the Cs & B packets. Drinking or eating lots of Protein is like the Amino Acids too..I have been studying all about the map of the brain and have learned alot about this in a more logical scientific way. This will not cure us but it helps us understand what goes on in the Brain. The hormones are all unbalanced out. Also if we eat healthy and add a protein to each meal and stay away from sugar, flour-gluten and simple carbs we can change our genetics and it helps build more brain cells. I was adding Adderral (I do not have ADHD) to my Methadone and was snorting it for the Crank buzz days..Took a klon at night to come down..It did take me a long time to get that energy back. I would say like a Year. BUT I am no spring chic and have used off & on most of my Life. Oh how dumb if I knew then what I know now..Just know that it will take TIME & PATIENCE for all of this to return back. I go to meeting a lot and have just grown more and more by listening and learning all I can about this Disease. I wish you the best and just keep that Positive Attitude toward Life..Life is good when we can see it clear with out wearing them rose color glasses..Ha!!!
Bless

[thhom]

Thank you for the response Amandag78! I feel so alone and scarrd in this and am only at day 20 off sub. I did start following the intensive amino acid/ multivitamin - mineral regimen listed below under "Most Viewed Health Pages: Amino Acid Protocol". In only 2 days I'm feeling much better . . . might want to check it out.

I really related to you about the horrible loss of energy!!! Your energy starting to return around the 5 / 6 month - to a year is pretty scary! I'm going through with this come hell or high water though and praying to get my life back.

NA and AA has been so helpful in the past and I have started slowing trying to make it to meetings. I got off that horrible SSRI and Clonidine that nearly ended me and got back on buproprion SR and Adderall This has been a stable combo for years and years and no more horrible continual panic/terror stricken moments. I couldn't have lived on that BAD combinaton unless I was in a psych ward under 24 Hr observation!

As mentioned to motye51, I nearly collapsed after just 20 steps a couple days ago and could only concentrate on getting back home to my bed. that was 2 days ago and today I am doing better. I'm nearly certain it's the amino acid protocal I'm on.

You have given me so much useful information I can't thank you enough. I am more than pleased you reached out to me and will keep you informed with my progress.
God bless, thhom

[thhom]

Thank you so much motye51! I too am a long term NA goer and know it does help heal your brain. I got chills just reading your supportive response. Yes,
this is a physical and mental mind f*** but I now believe I am going to live. It's just a matter of holding out for dear life.

To answer your question, no, the sub was prescribed by an addiction clinic, and the adderall, buproprion SR and xanax were prescribed by a Psychiatric NP. Man, I don't have any energy, I did do a little cleaning but struggling. So you figure about 3 more months to sanity?

Hey, one thing I did do was I started following the intensive amino acid/ multivitamin - mineral regimen listed below under "Most Viewed Health Pages: Amino Acid Protocol". Just two day later (last night) I had of of the most thrilling realistic flying dreams. It was so close to literal reality I could describe the faces of the persons watching me levitate in amazement!

I'm 20 days of Sub and learned it may take 4 to 6 months till I get my energy back. The other day getting vitamins, I had to sit down after 20 steps!!! When I got home I collapsed.

Thank you for your support and please keep in touch,
thhom

[Amandag78]

Hi, im 6 months off subs.
I felt my energy starting to return around the 5 month mark.
My anxiety is still with me, but its not as intense and it comes and goes quickly now.
I still dont get energy or motivation everyday, but i am now having more good days than bad.
I also take an anti dep called Effexor and have done since 3 weeks before i jumped.
This helped me head wise, dramatically.
In all honestly, it may take up to a full year to feel 100% everyday.
But an estimate on everything ive read is around 6-8 months to see a great improvement.
You may still have some lingering symptoms for up to 3-6 months, but most symptoms wont be intense, they should be bearable.
Within 4 weeks of being off Subs, you should feel some relief, just because of the fact your clean, but may still feel exhausted for 3-4 months.
It also depends on how you spend your day, if you lay around waiting to feel better, it just wont happen.
Getting out of the house daily for a 30 min morning walk, is so beneficial to ones recovery, fresh air and sunlight will do better than any supplement. But a multi vitamin and multi mineral is worth considering.
If you cannot get sunlight, a vit D supplement is quite important as this plays a huge roll in how your emotions act and can greatly decrease depressive states.
Bare in mind, there is no 2 people with the same story exactly.
You may get better at the 3 month mark or not until 6 or 12 months.
The fact is, you must live for today only, and  only today. Your clean and that is all that matters.
Putting a time frame on when you will feel better, is not the way to go, as you could be in for disappointment.
But i do understand, i asked this question constantly and never liked the answer, i was always searching for a different one.
Your clean and your wonderful and strong because of this.
If your still feeling suicidal please talk to someone or get medical help strait away.
Also maybe reavaluate your SSRO meds if your still taking them, sometimes they can be too strong or just not the right meds for us. In many cases the meds can make us more suicidal or, it makes symptoms worse before better, but that is also explained by the doctor or in the med booklet we get our meds in.
We will all be here for you.
Please note this is only my opinion with Subs, from the info i have gathered and personal experience, your exp may totally differ.
Well done, best of luck : )

[motye51]

I too jumped from a pretty high dose of subs and I will be as honest as I can be regarding how long it took me. 3 days before real w/d kicked in then took roughly 3/4 weeks for the physical part to stop but after that was a total mind ****!!!! I started going to n/a which I swear to God made my brain feel somewhat better! Actually physically feel better! It took about the 3 month mark for my "head games" to start to subside. I have now been off the subs almost 5 months. I swear to u it does start to get better. I would think if u have been diagnosed with depression, the subs and tapering and jumping off are adding to it.
It's a game that your mind and the drugs play!!!! It's not a fun game, for sure, but to win, you must not listen to those thoughts! Your on an awful lot of meds, does your Dr that prescribes the adderall and clonopine and benzos, also prescribe u the subs? Maybe its time to sit down with a new Dr, show him your list of meds, and come up with a plan of attack!
Just remember, this part WILL PASS!!!!
GOOD LUCK TO U AND KEEP US POSTED!