alcohol addiction or social problem?

[bk21]

My boyfriend is from a big family, who always have had alcohol in the house and at social affairs his whole life.  When I first began dating him 5 months ago, he did not really drink in front of me, and if he did, he had one or two beers and that was it.  However, a couple months into the relationship, we went to parties and weddings with his friends, where he easily downed about 15 beers in a 3-4 hour span.  Then, he began to drink more frequently in front of me, and would have a few glasses of wine and a couple beers with dinner.  He recently had a DUI and blew a 0.2.  He is in his 30's and said he has been drinking his entire adult life, and knows that I don't like his drinking, especially since he got the DUI.  He said that he could stop and that it's not a problem, but when he said he would, he ended up going out with his friend golfing the next day and tried to hide it from me that he had been drinking.  We are taking some time apart now, since I don't want to be in an unhealthy relationship, but he recently contacted me and said that he only drank one glass of wine in a week and said it wasn't difficult.  It seems he feels the need to drink socially to loosen up and be validated by his friends, so I guess my question is, could it be that it is a social problem and not an alcohol problem?  If it is a social issue, is it easier to stop drinking when you deal with those issues of self-esteem and insecurity/peer pressure than if you have an actual biological addiction?  I guess I just don't know if this is a case of not wanting to grow up or if it is an actual alcohol problem.  Could he just decide to stop without AA or any kind of counseling or is that unrealistic?  Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated!

[cocogb]

Wow, 2 weeks? I was upset over 4 days! You r very strong to be away after 4days. My boyfriend of 2 months just told me last week about his problem anmd how he wants me to be his friend because he's not ready to be the man I want him to b. I saw him today and he told me he nedds me in his life and he loves me. But at night when I text him, he's different sends no loving texts anymore. Tjhey r just short and 2 words.I don't know what to think. I read an intervention book and folloewed the steps on how to write a letter about how I felt. He still get irritated easy and irritable in text and I hate it. Does he want me or not? Why am I around and he needs me so much if he's going to b rude and cold? I don't like it and I want to tell him off. But my friend says leave him alone for tonight and ignore his texts in the am...so confused and pissed!

[bk21]

Thank you for your comment.  I told my boyfriend in the beginning of our relationship that I had previously dated an alcoholic and what bothered me the most was not just that he would drink, but that he would lie to me about it - so, what I said to my current boyfriend was that no matter how bad things were or whatever the problem, if he was honest with me, it would be ok; so, he did know from the beginning that I was willing to deal with anything as long as he was honest, and I would encourage him to talk to me about things so that we could be good emotional supports for each other.  I think that sometimes though, people who have an addiction still don't believe you if you tell them you are willing to support them no matter what as long as they don't lie -  my previous boyfriend use to say that he would lie because he didn't want to disappoint me, but all that did was make me distrust him in every aspect of our relationship; not just the alcohol.  That is why I told my current boyfriend that we should take a break - when he lied to me about drinking, I immediately recognized that he felt he had to hide it from me and I don't want him to grow to resent me or see me as the enemy as my previous boyfriend did - he has to work it out on his own and want to do it for himself; I'm just hoping that he does decide to stop for himself - that way, if we were to get back together in the future, there would be no resentment on his part or uncertainty on my part of whether he quit for me or himself.  Good luck with your relationship - I hope that everything works out for you.   Thanks again.

[12gauge]

Who knows how far it is...  I can tell you from my own experience that I've lied to people that I love to keep them from worrying.  I wasn't concerned about my own addiction.  

I will go on to say this:  From what I've learned from these forums as well as from therapy is, you cannot quit unless you want to for your own self.  Your concern over his drinking will most likely only lead to him lying to you if it is indeed a problem.  

Myself, I wish that I could be honest with my wife about my problems, but she's already made it quite clear that she'll leave me if she knows that I'm drinking again.  So, of course, I keep it a secret.  My advise to you is, if you love him, support him and talk to him.  Let him know that you're willing to hear even the most ugly of ugly.  Don't go back on your word.  This will only hurt worse.  If you love him, be willing to hear all of it and simply listen.  From there, you'll find the best way to go forward.  You might be the only support that he has.  He might want it from you, but he might be afraid to admit anything to you at the same time.  

[dj606]

and for the quitting you must want to quit for yourself not for others or it will be a long bumpy road with me i just put it down

[dj606]

well i started in at 15 drinking just beer and started getting into whiskey really bad got physical with my wife and that was the last straw so i decided i was like jeckyl and hide when i was sober i was a great father a great husband and when i was drunk i was arrogant angry and a real pos

[bk21]

Thanks for the incite - I feel at this point I would not be happy if we were indeed married and having this problem.  I don't want to be constantly fighting over or competing with alcohol - life is hard enough - as is marriage.  I've never been married, nor has he, but I do realize the commitment it takes and unless both people are completely honest about who they are and what they want in a relationship, it will not work.  I have always been honest and upfront with him and others about who I am and what I will and will not tolerate - I guess I always just have hope that I am wrong when I sense something may not be right - deep down, I feel that all people are good inside and have the strength and courage to overcome things - but it all comes back to the fact that I guess you have to be completely happy and accepting of yourself before you can really give to another person.  I think a lot of addiction is because people are somehow unhappy with themselves or life - the problem is I just don't always want to believe it!

[bk21]

Oh no - you didn't make me feel juvenile!!  However, I do feel as though I may be dating a juvenile at times, with this whole situation!! My friends think that he is immature because he still cares so much about what his friends think - moreso than what I think. I always thought that by the time I was in my 30s I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff in a relationship, but unfortunately not all men mature as quickly nowadays!  I am sorry to hear about your mother, but I am sure she appreciates your stepping up and taking care of her - sounds like you're a good daughter.  Take care and thanks again :)

[avisg]

The fact that he is hiding it from you is not a good sign .Not to mention if the next day he was drinking again even though he said he wouldn't My husband and I both golf we never go drink after so it can be done and it is done often . I would just figure out what you want in life ,do you want to constantly battle with him over alcohol.I was married to an alcoholic so I know what you are feeling.He would away say he was only going to drink three beers of course he could never do it .We ended up getting a divorce within a year he did not see that he had a problem so he wouldn't do anything about it .I was sharing my husband with a bottle of booze and that was not OK with me .Do what is best for you :)

[enemy48]

I'm soooooooo sorry bk if I made you feel juvinile!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah..........anyone can fall on their face and have to move back in w/parents till they can save money to get back on their feet.

I've actually done that two times.  It was hard b/c I was in my twenties and didn't like answering to the folks.

I'm living w/mom again, but this time not for the same reasons.  She's ill and elderly, and I was the best candidate of the other sisters...........lucky me, huh?

Take care.

[bk21]

Thanks - I will.  Actually we are both in our 30's - I am a college professor and have my own apartment and am pretty much settled with my life.  He, on the other hand, had to move back in with his parents a couple years ago to get back on his feet - he had been out on his own but moved back in when his own business did not pan out.  Part of me thinks he just is not ready to grow up and does not want to be a responsible adult - I agree with you.  Thank you for the support - you are a wise woman!

[enemy48]

You two are both very young, huh?

Living w/the parents gives that away.

Stay sober........alcohol is ugly.  Stay away from this guy until you're absolutely sure he's been sober for a LONG time.  It sounds like he binges.  

You're never too young to get caught up in this trap or ANY trap.  It is a sign of irresponsibility & maybe future addiction w/something else.

Be careful.

[bk21]

I have thought about that too.  The only thing that makes me have hope is that he is living with his parents and they agree with me about the whole thing.  His mom has been driving him to work, but his friends have come to pick him up during the week when he gets home and he has gone out with them.  Apparently, his mom told him that she would not drive him to work during the week if he had been drinking the night before - since then he has not done so, according to her (she and my mom are friends, so that is how I am updated on the situation).  Believe me, I am as skeptical as you are, which is why I am not sure how to tell if he is really committed to changing if he does in fact come to me and says so.  I dated an alcoholic a couple years ago, and he would say he wasn't drinking, but it just ended up being lies and broken promises for two years - I ended up breaking it off with him because of the same thing.  I told the current boyfriend about that and said that I would not be in a situation like that again.  The only thing that is different in this situation is that his whole family is supporting his changing and he is close with them - my previous boyfriend did not have family and was pretty much dependent on me and his friends (who were also big drinkers) as his support system.  I don't drink at all and was raised in a dry house, so I am not sure how I seem to be attracting heavy drinkers - maybe I drive them to drink - I don't know!!! :)

[enemy48]

My opinion is that he is an alcoholic.

You're smart for taking the break.

Another opinion of mine is that maybe he doesn't mind the break so that he can drink without worrying about who cares.

Sorry if it sounds negative.........but I guess I've lived longer than you.

Take care & best wishes.

[bk21]

Thank you so much for your posts - I feel better already.  He and I haven't seen each other in 2 weeks, and it is hard, but I know it is for the best until he figures out what he wants.  I know that I can't be around if he truly wants to change - he has to do it on his own - which is what I told him.  He has not been calling me - only one time - and just updated me via text message that he only had one drink in a week.  When I texted him back and asked him whether he was happy or mad about cutting back on his drinking, he said that he was indifferent.  I don't know if that's a good or bad sign, but I figure if it is meant to be and he does get his life together, he will eventually come to me if he decides that's what he wants.  I have not called him - is no contact the best thing until he gets to that point?  How will I know if he is truly committed to changing if he contacts me and says that he will not drink anymore?

[newmanagment]

sorry to say that most true addiction can only be changed if the addict chooses it. I tried being clean for my ex, my new wife, my kids..... but the only thing working is changing for myself, they are my reward. He has to want it, not just for you but for both of you, and his parents. I dont think your man is that much of an alcoholic yet, i was raised with a whole family of em. He is getting there tho, so now would be  a wonderfull time for him to wake the hell up and change, before its too late. not only would he lose a woman that loves him, but eventually he wil lose himself.

[bk21]

Can a man change his ways if he really loves a woman and not resent her or does he ultimately change because he wants to for his own health and well-being?  I'm sorry if that sounds like a stupid question that I should already know the answer to, but so many people have told me stories of how they told their men that the only way they would be with them is if they sobered up - which is basically what I did in my situation.  

[bk21]

How and why did you decide to quit?  Did you just get to that point on your own or did someone in your life want you to stop?

[newmanagment]

yeah, 2 -3 nites a week and getting that buzzed sounds like the beginning of an alcohol problem. sounds like his folks see it, and so do you... so as long as he sees it and decides to deal with it you are on the right track. hope it works out for you, i know it suks seeing those you love wasted or high.

[newmanagment]

good call dj! an ol partyin buddy that sobered up wuz always drilling into my head---PEOPLE , PLACES , THINGS!! change where you go, wut you do , and who you do it with, and alot of your temptation will be laid behind you..

[bk21]

It does not interfere with work - he gets up early every day and does construction.  However, he was having almost a whole bottle of wine plus a couple beers every day when he would get home from work and cook dinner.  He said having wine while he's cooking is part of his whole relaxation and unwinding from the day.  He has spent whole days with me before without drinking, but ever since the DUI, it seems as though he has been drinking more in front of me than he did before - we recently went to a wedding a couple weeks ago and he spent almost the entire reception up at the bar drinking vodka tonics.  Every time we are out with his friends, even if we just go over to their house, he will drink consistently for hours, having beer after beer or captain morgans.  He gets to the point where he begins to slur his speech and he eventually just passes out when we get home. This would happen at least 2-3 times per week.  When we would talk about it, I would tell him that I didn't care if he drank, if it was just 1-2 beers in a sitting, but he needs at least 5 or 6 before he even gets a buzz going, and he just doesn't stop.  He said that he could do just 1-2 beers, but in the last couple months, he hasn't.  Like I said, in the beginning of our relationship, he would just have 1-2 when he and I were out together, if he had any at all.  However, he would tell me that he would go out with his friends when he wasn't with me - and he wouldn't invite me along - I'm thinking that was because he didn't want me to see how he drank when he was out.  He is living with his parents, and they have decided to no longer have alcohol in the house or at social gatherings, so they are supporting it.  However, alcoholism is present on his mother's side, as a couple of her siblings have been to rehab, and she herself used to drink heavily and have blackouts.  She has a beer or a glass of wine every now and then, but she no longer drinks excessively and did not get help for it - she just decided to stop.  I am hoping this is how he is - do you think that's possible?  Sorry for such a long post!

[dj606]

i had the same problem as i am a recovering alcoholic i always felt the need to drink to have a good time with certain people my advice is to not hang with those people for awhile until he has the strength to be around them with the constant urge of drinking  

[newmanagment]

He can stop drinking without AA, as long as he is not too far addicted. was his drinking a problem with work, did he drink all day, or every nite? wut it all is gonna come down to is wether or not HE wants to quit drinking. Im a cocaine addict, I still drink occasionally. but i dont center my entertainment around alcohol. Golf usually ends with some cold beers, thats not unusual. and goin out once a month for cocktails with friends is also not beyond reality. drinking alone all day, or slipping away to drink would scare me more.