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The Real Aftermath
Hi everyone,
I've been around since mid-October. I read this site everyday, but do not post due to my usage. Congratulations to each and every one of you who is clean, whether it be for one day or one year. I keep up with ALL of your stories and progress and I laugh and cry along with many of you even though you don't know it.
I was taking vics (750s), approximately 15 per day after the birth of my daughter in June, 2007. Then I knew I needed help and did the sub route for 6 weeks, but did not get any help outside of taking the sub, ie: counseling, meetings, etc. Two days off of sub I started on Norcos, got myself a pain management doctor and am now taking between 8 and 12 per day. I have a question that is clear in my mind, but not may be so clear as I try and type this out.
I see how people get off drugs and go into recovery. I know why I take these drugs. I'm wondering how many people (if any) got off these drugs and may have gotten divorced, changed residence, switched jobs, etc. I FEAR CHANGE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW.
I take these drugs to numb myself to the things around me that I don't have the balls or courage to change. Is dealing with these things part of recovery, part of the reason that just doing sub doesn't work, but that you have to do therapy, meetings, etc.? To me, it seems kind of easy to get off the drugs (don't beat me up for that!), but the hard part for me is the aftermath - dealing with the things I've been using the drugs to hide behind. Does any of this make sense?????? I'm so sorry if it doesn't. Was it easier to deal with real life issues off of the drugs? Are any of you stronger off of these drugs? I still don't feel as if my question is coming out the right way, but I'll leave it at that. Thanks for any responses.
I've been around since mid-October. I read this site everyday, but do not post due to my usage. Congratulations to each and every one of you who is clean, whether it be for one day or one year. I keep up with ALL of your stories and progress and I laugh and cry along with many of you even though you don't know it.
I was taking vics (750s), approximately 15 per day after the birth of my daughter in June, 2007. Then I knew I needed help and did the sub route for 6 weeks, but did not get any help outside of taking the sub, ie: counseling, meetings, etc. Two days off of sub I started on Norcos, got myself a pain management doctor and am now taking between 8 and 12 per day. I have a question that is clear in my mind, but not may be so clear as I try and type this out.
I see how people get off drugs and go into recovery. I know why I take these drugs. I'm wondering how many people (if any) got off these drugs and may have gotten divorced, changed residence, switched jobs, etc. I FEAR CHANGE LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW.
I take these drugs to numb myself to the things around me that I don't have the balls or courage to change. Is dealing with these things part of recovery, part of the reason that just doing sub doesn't work, but that you have to do therapy, meetings, etc.? To me, it seems kind of easy to get off the drugs (don't beat me up for that!), but the hard part for me is the aftermath - dealing with the things I've been using the drugs to hide behind. Does any of this make sense?????? I'm so sorry if it doesn't. Was it easier to deal with real life issues off of the drugs? Are any of you stronger off of these drugs? I still don't feel as if my question is coming out the right way, but I'll leave it at that. Thanks for any responses.
Thanks very much! I really really appreciate it! I hope I don't annoy the heck out of you guys too much in the next few days. I'm gonna need all the help & support I can get.
To Psyche: Sounds like we have alot in common! My Husband is scared to approach me about anything also! It was very hard for me to ask him for help, but I had to for me, my kids, & him!
To Psyche: Sounds like we have alot in common! My Husband is scared to approach me about anything also! It was very hard for me to ask him for help, but I had to for me, my kids, & him!
i totally understand your post. it is very scary to us all to imagine what life will be like without using, i was terrified trying to quit, it was like i was losing a best friend, a coping mechanism, my energy boost, my happiness, and my addiction tricked me into using. i am telling you though, one of the best parts of recovery is DEALING WITH LIFE AGAIN. even though it can be hard and scary, there is no greater feeling than rising above the mess we made and coming out alive and stronger than ever. drugs make us blind and steals our energy away thinking we need them to function, but that is addiction. i am just starting to see now all the problems drugs really caused. i wish you the best of luck, and we are all here to help one another and give support. take care.
sorry........I forgot to mention the unaffectionate part. Your head is foggy, and you may think you are being pleasant & affectionate........but wait! It'll get real good w/hubby in no time. That was one of the first things I noticed about myself. People are already noticing things about me. I'm talking about people that have no idea of my 6 year enemy usage. I hear comments daily........they can't quite put their finger on it...but say that there's something different in a good way about me.
My husband also uses - but he does it as prescribed, unlike me. And because I'm so easily agitated and angered, he is afraid to approach me about it anymore.
Does he know about your problem? If he does...would he be able to take care of your daughter for a few days? I think you should think about it. I never thought I could do it by myself, but ever since I found this forum, I have been so ready! I am SCARED outta my mind & I keep trying to come up with excuses in my mind so that I can take for just 1 more day or wait till the weekend, but me & my Husband decided 2 weeks ago that starting Wed. morning I wouldn't take any more, so here goes HELL but I know that all these GREAT people are gonna help me make it & so can you.
Not chewing yet. I'm ashamed to admit I tried snorting some last weekend but it didn't seem to affect me and I haven't done it again.
I think I also need to learn to let the small stuff go and who cares if the house is a little dirty?
It's the battle with my unhappy life that I need to deal with and it seems so overwhelming!
It's about 4:40 here and I'm leaving work. I'm not on-line at home. This is probably the only time I felt like staying at work, so I could be here on this forum for a couple of hours more!! Just wanted to let everyone know that who is reading and replying to me. I'm getting ready to go. Thank you so much and of course I will be back in the morning.
I think I also need to learn to let the small stuff go and who cares if the house is a little dirty?
It's the battle with my unhappy life that I need to deal with and it seems so overwhelming!
It's about 4:40 here and I'm leaving work. I'm not on-line at home. This is probably the only time I felt like staying at work, so I could be here on this forum for a couple of hours more!! Just wanted to let everyone know that who is reading and replying to me. I'm getting ready to go. Thank you so much and of course I will be back in the morning.
Okay, I have to admit that when I took pills, it was so easy to do stuff. But what I didn't realize is that it was all the stuff I didn't want to DO!
Yeah, if I needed to do laundry or housework, sure chew up a couple (are you chewing yet?) then you can turn yourself into a tornado and do it w/no problem.
Through the last 2 weeks, I've tried keeping up w/daily activities like when I was using. Of course it was tough, but you do what you can, when you can.
Today, 14 days, not only am I cleaning my house, but I'm dancing while I clean.......get it? Cleaning Clean............lol
Yeah, if I needed to do laundry or housework, sure chew up a couple (are you chewing yet?) then you can turn yourself into a tornado and do it w/no problem.
Through the last 2 weeks, I've tried keeping up w/daily activities like when I was using. Of course it was tough, but you do what you can, when you can.
Today, 14 days, not only am I cleaning my house, but I'm dancing while I clean.......get it? Cleaning Clean............lol
I'm right with ya! I get so mad easily that my husband won't even approach me about certain things now, and they are things that really matter! I don't want to be like that anymore. I also can't remember who I was and certainly don't know who I am now! I'm very scared about what life will be like off the pills, but I do know it will be better. That's so stupid sounding, I know! I know it won't instantly get better because I have to deal with all the things that I haven't dealt with. This is so confusing!!!!!
IBKleen - you are right, I have to be here for my daughter and this is how I'm starting to see what I've been doing. I took some pills in front of her the other night and even though she is only 8 months old, I thought to myself "does she know what I'm doing?"
r2r - I guess that's also one of the reasons for taking the pills - to try and be supermom. I feel like when I take them, I get so much more accomplished as far as cleaning, laundry, making her meals, bottles, etc. But where are the emotions? My husband complained to me the other night that I'm not affectionate anymore. I was stunned, because I knew he was so right!
r2r - I guess that's also one of the reasons for taking the pills - to try and be supermom. I feel like when I take them, I get so much more accomplished as far as cleaning, laundry, making her meals, bottles, etc. But where are the emotions? My husband complained to me the other night that I'm not affectionate anymore. I was stunned, because I knew he was so right!
It DEFINITELY makes sense! Unfortunately, I'm not clean yet, but for the last 2 weeks I can't stop thinking about what's gonna happen when I am. I can't even remember what kind of person I am while not using. I know that I have always been very impatient & easily aggravated, but I really hope that I won't be even 1/4 of that person once I'm clean. I ALWAYS yell at my kids & that bothers me to no end! The thing that scares me more than anything.......I keep having nightmares that for whatever reason, I won't love my Husband anymore. We have always had are minor issues, & in Feb. we'll be married for 11 years. I've been using for 4 years or so, so I hope I'm freaking over nothing! Either way, THAT IS STILL NO EXCUSE TO USE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE STILL HAVE TO GET ARE PRIORITIES STRAIGHT!!
Thank you, you are right, I'm hiding behind emotional pain. I'm just so numb. I feel like crying, yet I've been unable to for months now. I've even been cutting out the closest people in my life without batting an eyelash, it's scary.
Makes total sense what you are saying...I can only speak for me...I agree that detoxing was terrible but not as bad as staying clean...That is why i stay in counsouling...I don't attend meetings although i am looking for a small group that i have yet to find...i guess these people here are my meetings in a way..
I will make 5 months on the 4th of feb, i will tell you my life has gotten 100 percent better...I didnt' think that way for a while when i first got clean, because when something would go wrong i wanted that numb feeling again...But as time went on, i realized how good i could deal with things head on...And not be foggy headed..
Also things were just falling into place..For instance, i thought i had it together, like supermom, but i realized i was really missing out on alot...Even bills, because i was numb i would put them aside to do later, and then ended up having to pay the late fee that was uncalled for , when i had the money...etc
another thing is i was so moody and did not even see it, but my kids tell me all the time how i am so much better to be around, and that is means so much to me
i hope this helps some
r2r
I will make 5 months on the 4th of feb, i will tell you my life has gotten 100 percent better...I didnt' think that way for a while when i first got clean, because when something would go wrong i wanted that numb feeling again...But as time went on, i realized how good i could deal with things head on...And not be foggy headed..
Also things were just falling into place..For instance, i thought i had it together, like supermom, but i realized i was really missing out on alot...Even bills, because i was numb i would put them aside to do later, and then ended up having to pay the late fee that was uncalled for , when i had the money...etc
another thing is i was so moody and did not even see it, but my kids tell me all the time how i am so much better to be around, and that is means so much to me
i hope this helps some
r2r
I know you want to be there for your baby, but first you need to be there for YOU hun.
I promise you that not one member of the fellowship will bite you...LOL. If you don't want to talk, then sit in the very back and listen. I did that for a long time, and then one day I started talking. I haven't stopped yet.....
I hope you will try something...whatever you choose. And, keep posting! Getting this all out if healthy.
I promise you that not one member of the fellowship will bite you...LOL. If you don't want to talk, then sit in the very back and listen. I did that for a long time, and then one day I started talking. I haven't stopped yet.....
I hope you will try something...whatever you choose. And, keep posting! Getting this all out if healthy.
Welcome to the forum. You make total sense, and getting off of the drugs is the easy part...dealing with the aftermath(the mental part) is what's hard.Yes we eventually use the drugs or alcohol to take away the emotional pain. I had vics for pain for 2 wks. Stopped and then 2 1/2 yrs. later my friend offered me a vic ....and i was in a lot of emotional pain so i took it and over 2 1/2 yrs. got to the point i'm at. i also liked the buzz..i'm a creative artsy person and i thought it helped me come up w/ great ideas...and it did! Keep posting!
enemy48 - thank you and I will check out gizzy's post!
hopsing - you got it - what I was trying to say! How are you dealing with things now?
I also wanted to add that I love how you post to everyone and are so personable and helpful to everyone, thank you.
IBKleen, I was hoping you would respond to me. I keep going to the church, I sit in the parking lot (for the meetings), I get so scared I go home. I seem to be afraid of my own damn shadow! I'm not dealing with life, I'm letting it go by. I need these tools you are talking about - the tools to deal with life, to make decisions and stick with them. I need to do something, I have an 8 month old and I don't want her to grow up like me.
hopsing - you got it - what I was trying to say! How are you dealing with things now?
I also wanted to add that I love how you post to everyone and are so personable and helpful to everyone, thank you.
IBKleen, I was hoping you would respond to me. I keep going to the church, I sit in the parking lot (for the meetings), I get so scared I go home. I seem to be afraid of my own damn shadow! I'm not dealing with life, I'm letting it go by. I need these tools you are talking about - the tools to deal with life, to make decisions and stick with them. I need to do something, I have an 8 month old and I don't want her to grow up like me.
ALL of what you say makes perfect sense. Getting clean IS the easy part, STAYING clean takes work everyday.
I am a believer that aftercare is essential. For me, I had to get to the core issues that caused me to pick up drugs in the first place. I have had to face those issues, change them, or except them.
Life brings on many changes, and if I don't have the tools necessary to deal with that, I will use.
Just a suggestion: Since you tried to stop and you tried Sub, how about you do something different? Give the fellowship of NA a chance and give counseling a chance. What have you got to lose?
I am a believer that aftercare is essential. For me, I had to get to the core issues that caused me to pick up drugs in the first place. I have had to face those issues, change them, or except them.
Life brings on many changes, and if I don't have the tools necessary to deal with that, I will use.
Just a suggestion: Since you tried to stop and you tried Sub, how about you do something different? Give the fellowship of NA a chance and give counseling a chance. What have you got to lose?
Good question and I think that alot of do the drugs for that very reason. Some started with legitamite pain and it got out of control from there. In my case it was due to not facing the problems in my life,the boredom of doing the same thing everyday and trying to numb myself from all the **** at work. The hardest part for me so far has been having to deal with these issues without the drugs. So you are not alone in this. You will find that is the case with alot of drug users. So post away and get as much info as you can,if you can go to counseling go.
Welcome to the forum.
Welcome to the forum.
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