Day - 116 Yesterday I did quite a bit... As much as I hate to admit it, exercise truly does work wonders. Felt almost normal for parts of the day! Still hopeful for better days ahead. It really is amazing (for lack of a better word) how this ordeal comes in waves. For all those who work full time going through this, you're unbelievably strong. Someday I hope to not constantly think about all this...
Thank you both -- your support means the world to me.
Day - 61 More of the same... just really weak. I have noticed that I don't get NEARLY as winded climbing stairs which is great! I have a huge problem standing for any length of time which makes things difficult esp. at work.
Work this evening hasn't gone as well as of late. Not performing bothers me. Shrink asks me, "does anyone complain?" and the answer I give is, "No" However, I can tell I'm not doing as well as expected. I know it's up and down with me. Slept quite a bit last night/this morning/this afternoon ;) I wake every hour but nonetheless I'm sleeping.
Day - 59 "This too shall pass" seems to be my calling card as of late... ;). There are times where my mind is super clear. That's positive. I didn't let my daughter mess my head up today and that's also positive. I just realised in this moment that I haven't thought about methadone all day. Despite nagging symptoms I consider that a plus. My tooth doesn't hurt. I ate well today. Took a nap. I listened to some old R.E.M. I hugged my wife. My children have friends and they're playing in the yard. Still have faith...
Evening post here anxiety lasted only an hour today - spent time with an old friend which was nice. I have a tiny bit now but not crushing. Thanks Lesa I trust you all that it's part of it and "this too shall pass"
Fatigue is one of the hardest things especially since much of the whole reason I used in the first place was because of how much energy it gave me (and I loved methadone for that). Anyway, I am currently tapering from Suboxone. I've done it once before but got scared when it came to jumping and tried some short-acting opiates because someone said that was a good idea (ha) it definitely was not for me! anyway got back on Suboxone within a month and been on it for 4 years and every time I taper the fatigue is brutal. And I do find that reading SOME people's stories can be discouraging. I'm down to 1.25mg (trying to get to 1 currently). So, now for some ideas...i recently started taking an herbal supplement that is supposed to be pharmaceutical grade vitamins packed full of good stuff. It helps with my energy a lot. It's called Thrive. The bad thing is it's not cheap and you can't buy it at the store - you have to know someone who sells it. (This is not a sales pitch). Maybe you could at least look it up and see what all vitamins are in it and try that. I never thought vitamins would seriously help me but they are. I read another girls testimony about coming off of Suboxone and she said Shakeology helped her a lot which I'm sure is a similar type product. I've heard that caffeine or coffee is not good - I guess because of the crash. Also I know a few good doctors (who were once addicts) that highly recommend exercising I am trying my best to start now before the jump but it is very hard I will admit. Anyway, even though your struggling now you still give me hope. Don't give up. In my experience it's always in the moment we think things aren't going to get better and we want to give up that change is right around the corner if we just don't give up!
Day 104 - three and a half months off methadone I am still here. Not really sure if I’m ok or not. Always saw the world in back and white... maybe it’s actually not..
Day - 98 2:35am Well that didn't last... I wish I understood, I was so excited that maybe the sleep thing was past. So depressing.... a whole 3 hours of sleep and a long day ahead.
Day - 95. Soulscape you're a genius!!!!!!!! 5:35!!!!! I woke up a lot but didn't look at clock just flipped over and chilled out. I've not been this excited in 95 days... slept 7 hours wow. no bordom for hours either... im in a great place right now
Reading posts like yours gives me more and more hope this someday will end... the antihistamine that worked so well last night has done zero today. Up again at 2:30 and have been sitting here for 2 hours. It's so weird, like clockwork. I'm not freaking out like last few nights though.
As much as I hate it, I consider it ammo to not go back. When I quit drinking 27 years ago I kept thinking if I ever drink again it would be all for nothing... I'd bounce on and off Vicodin so I KNOW how I am. I'm starting to get out of my comfort zone and learn new skill sets so I think I'm making progress. Hope everyone is feeling st peace tonight.
Day - 82. Tried to go to bed as late as possible - laid down about midnight. Again, up at 4. Here I sit in the dark. Such a lonely ride...
Yes I won't be going over there anymore
Just checking in on you buddy. Hope all is well.
-Dave
Day - 66 Things are getting really strange... Last night I was walking with a friend in a neighborhood I've been driving through for 30 years. I got lost, didn't know where I was. I stood circling around in front of what I finally realized was a long time friend. I've never experienced anything like this... I go "in and out" of feeling crappy. It's like it just won't let go. I'll feel decent only to be curled up in a ball in a dark basement. It's known now as the 'bunker' by my close friends. I find myself assessing when I'll finally feel normal. I want that so bad.
Spoke to soon -- wow -- cunning, baffling, powerful.. Fought the beast all day.. sitting on the porch watching the sunlight dim. Gosh small victories... or large depending on perspective. On to tomorrow...
Day - 63 I took a 2 1/2 hour nap yesterday after work. Needless to say I didn't get to sleep last night at a normal time but I feel pretty decent right now. I have the day off today. Strange/good feelings about really believing this might all come true for me. Thoughts of being able to travel without worrying. I'm definitely understanding the good times/bad times dialogue I've read in many posts. Mornings were very difficult but now very doable. Anxiety seems to be gone thank the Lord. I'm sleeping but waking up every hour.
I posted a Day 60 from work but must not have "sent" and I'm I'm sure left the screen up. Lord knows who has seen this entire thread.. might be out of a job this evening – I can be so stupid. I was planning on quitting but I wanted to give it a few more months as I recover . Yet another challenge.. kids first day of school so I'm a little lonely need to find something to do. Starting to get brief glimpses of life on the other side -- I can't wait.
Day 60 Ftmill!! Congratulations!! warmly lesa
Day 42 Am I allowed to say THIS SUCKS?!? Gosh 6 weeks in - watery eyes, sneezing 30 times a day but over all I'm angry. Anger towards everything it seems. Got my first CC of testosterone this morning, thought my family doc would be more supportive. He's cool and all but I guess I wanted more, "HEY GREAT JOB!!!" I've been taking valerian root and kava per suggestion but now just read it causes drowsiness. Hmmm... don't know anymore. Lower back and thighs super sore too which never used to happen. Oh well. No option at this point, onward bound.
Day Eight months and few days - Still kicking. Life is slowly coming back. Things have leveled out now. I’ll take it. It’s still not always easy and I wonder sometimes if I’ll EVER get back to pre-methadone happiness but I believe I will. I wonder often what truly motivates me to stay clean (there are drugs in the house - son just had surgery). The answer is unknown - just being honest. If I had to guess it’s that deep down I long for a time where I didn’t even know what methadone was... I don’t constantly think about methadone anymore - I just think about wanting my whole life back - every little bit. Anyway, it’s been a long, long road. To all those who’ve read through my posts as Ftmill or even Kfred back 10 years ago, I’m telling you right now it ain’t easy. It sucks. It’s draining. You’ll cry. You’ll doubt. You’ll hate. You’ll think long and hard. The good news is you will eventually see that sliver of light, that single moment where you caught yourself back to normal. It’ll get dark again... but that sliver WILL turn to a crack, and that crack into an opening. It’s at that point all you’ll want to do is chase it. I honestly thought that’d never be possible
6 months/1 week - Pleased to report sleep has pretty much returned to "normal" for a 48 year old male. No cravings, no anxiety. Not to sound drama but I'm relearning what "real life" is... ;) There are ups/downs. Sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel great, other times I'm down. I handle issues much better but I'm not perfect. Although I believe NA/AA isn't for everyone, I do learn things there, and draw upon positive aspects from the commentary. Strangely, even when at my lowest/saddest/angriest I don't even consider going back. Stranger yet is (even deep down) I can't understand why that is...
5.5 months (give or take a day) ;) I'm pretty good afternoons and evenings... Almost zero anxiety. Concentration is challenging. I can laugh, enjoy brief moments, etc. However, I continue to struggle with prolonged interest in things I used to love. Anything which takes a little mental effort to gain enjoyment I simply avoid now. Depression would be an understatement but I've really learned to live with it... Switched my hours to afternoons/evening as mornings are just "forget it". I sleep 8-10 hours a night/day but wake/toss/turn about every hour literally. It's getting old but I'll take it. It's hard to explain to people my situation, I don't think my med. doctor believes me but whatever. I can't imagine life is like this so I hold onto hope the process is still ongoing. Oh one more thing, sometimes I get really angry and can hold onto it for a while. This is new as I've never had anger issues. I can only guess this, too, is part of my journey. Anyway, to all still hurtin' keep your chin up. The pain will pass.
Congrats on the 4 months mate, as klb said this is a positive update, keep at it, 4 months was where it started turning around for me, Just push thru it , Things will change . Make sure your eating lean and exercising, at your stage is when i switched up my lifestyle. and i believe it helped my recovery along.