This is not easy

[Tommyco]

My Brainis literally trying to do Anything it can to get me to use
I'm trying to stay positive but damn
Old habits die hard
It's like the devil has it out for me
All these ways to get high are just falling in my lap
How did you guys get past day two?
Trying my best to stay strong
Xoxo

[stuckreallystuck]

I was reading your posts and wow......what do I do.??  I have been seeing a pain mngmt. doc for fibromyalgia.  For 8 years I've worn a duragesic 75 mg/hr patch, changing every 2 days, taking oxycontin 80 mg. 3 times daily, 30 mg of oxycodone 4 times a day for breakthru pain, klonopin, 2 mg. at night to sleep, soma, 350 mg. 4 times a day, prozac 80 mg. a day, and isordil as needed for occaisional chest pain.. Last week he dropped me as a patient.  I had a urine test which was fine, but my pill count was off...it really wasn't but he didn't let me explain he just dropped me, gave me 15 days of tapering meds and thats itl........I don't have a clue what to do here.  Withdrawal on top of the fibro, and the chest pains.....any suggestions ???  

[Zulli]

Oh sweetheart.... I'm so sorry. My daughter went through the same thing with her husband. When she went cold turkey a couple of years ago, he thought she never used again. He told her he would leave her if she ever did because he would not go through that again. However, she failed miserably going cold turkey and started using again, living a lie with him that she hated herself for. She went through EXACTLY what you are going through. She would have to carefully plan vacations so that she would have enough of her DOC to get her through the week. She once got delayed in Las Vegas and ran out of her DOC and had to pretend to be sick for two days instead of getting out and enjoying the city.

When she decided to get clean again (THANK GOD), she told him. He didn't leave her. He's standing by her side and is helping her. He sees the change in her and likes what he sees. She is, however, using Suboxone to help her get off her DOC and so it's not as bad as going cold turkey.

Maybe it won't be so bad if you told him. You said you're in Tokyo... Is your man Asian? My son-in-law is Asian. I think they have a sense of responsibility to care for those whom they love because regardless of what my son-in-law told my daughter, he did not leave her and has been even more supportive than ever.

The bottom line is that you need to get clean. If only to save your own life, sweetie. I wish you the best of luck. I wish there was something I could do...this is just heartbreaking..

[dominosarah]

As long as you keep living this lie recovery wont happen.  You have to put yourself above everything else, no matter what.  All the things you want to happen can, but only when you get honest.  You have it in you, now fight for you~~~~~~sara

[Tommyco]

Andrew, Laurel thank you
Its tough to hear but I know I need to hear it
I keep thinking I can have the best of both worlds and suffer no consequences, that somehow miraculously everything will work out perfectly seamlessly for me
Such ridiculous ludacris thinking
What goes around comes around and I can't keep playing this game and not get caught
This is my life, reality here not fantasy
I'm coming up wiu excuses on the Thomas recipe  too you're right. I'm in Tokyo not mars.
If I'm going to do this it has to be all the way
The stakes are too high, it's my life, heroin is not an option any more
Before I relapsed today do you know how ******* unbelievable my addict thinking was? I was reading some peoples posts and journals and a lot of people were in active addiction for 13+ years and this sick part of me was jealous
I'm 21 using since 18 or so and I know the amount vie already lost times the years I could waste is unfathomable but still
Addiction is a sick twisted cunning disease and I hate the *****
    

[laurel453]

and i agree with Andrew... getting well is above anything else and you have to be ready to pay any price , it is worth it, once you get healthy you can start to rebuild your life but if you keep using you will lose everything so... what's the point ?

[laurel453]

Listen, Tommy ... i have been where you are, we have all been feeling this way, feeling like you are and the first thing you have to do is ... stop thinking what you have done, focus on the illness you have and that there is nothing bad on wanting to get better... leave the morals aside now, it is a matter of saving your life.... if you were struggling with any other illness , would you be making a moral inventory or just taking all the steps in order to get well ? This is a disease that plays a lot with our emotions, you have gone through years of diminishing who you are... break this cycle by taking the first step... don't be scared of wds... there are a lot of illnesses that make people suffer a lot and much worse than a month of wds ( and i say a month to exaggerate the time, ok ? ) There have to be some herborists there... find some minerals to help you with muscles cramps, RLS... magnesium, potasium ( if not, buy food rich on them )... tonic water has quinine on it, buy immodium, valerian root, melatonin.... you can buy them  online. I didn't find melatonin here and bought it online... you can buy what you need on line. These stuff can alleviate your wds a little...protein shakes ( they have vitamins and aminos, apple juice ( rich on potassium ), green tea ( good on theanine and will help you to detox ).. Don't say you can not find anything in japan to help you... Be proactive on your recovery, you are sick and you have every right to fight for your life no matter what you have done, no matter how many times you have tried with no success... you just can not give up on saving your life, Tommy !!!!!! and no, we won't give up on you :)