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[skipper]

hey where is everyone today?

got a posting, so i thought i'ld throw it open and see what hap-
pens. i hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday weekend.

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[Shanel123]

Thanks for it.

[1fortheroad]

you definitely didn't start this alone - and whatever you go thru...those around you go thru as well.

this is a place of understanding.  you made some comments i didn't understand, and i commented on them.  i don't think there was any harm done...none intended anyway.

[Jack O Trades]

FYI:  The "haha" was reagrding the fact the the suggestion of talking to my wife about anything is a complete joke.  It was not in regard to Z.

I was under the impression these was a place of understanding.  I guess not.

Just as well.  I started this alone, and I'll probably end this alone.  Thanks anyway.

"Jack"

[1fortheroad]

like i said, i probably shouldn't have said anything.  let's just forget it ok?  i have a huge heart for children - blood or not - and your comments with the "haha" after rubbed me the wrong way.

i wonder tho, if you can't talk with your wife, how you are going to get thru this.  you don't like meetings, and your support system at home doesn't sound great.  it sounds like a tough situation all around...you won't be able to hide your relapse forever.  why don't you just come clean and work from there?  i did it, and it wasn't easy.  however, if my husband had decided to leave me over it, then he wasn't the right person for me to be with.  honesty with yourself and everyone else is the only way to sobriety.

[AlexisInTx]

Just wanted to welcome TMP and Jack as well, you'll find wonderful support here from some incredibly intelligent, knowledgeable, creative and unique individuals.  I'm blown away daily by the amount of support and understanding given here.

Although I'm sorry we have to be where we are re: addiction, I don't think there's a better place to be given the circumstances.  I've found in the last 3 months of (almost) sobriety, that my real problem is maintaining that sobriety, as opposed to going through the withdrawals and physical symptoms.  I've found that everything seems so fresh and new after giving the drugs up, and that I had such high hopes of my new life without those pills.  I had originally been given Vicodin for herniated disks (and hydrocodone cough syrup for a bad, recurrent bout of bronchitis), and found like so many here, that taking those pills after awhile was more for escape or emotional numbing than the physical pain.  I've been working at home sporadically for the last 4 years now (I was a petrochemical data analyst for 5 years at a great company) and I think I've gotten to the point where I had/have no feelings of accomplishment anymore, and used those pills as a bandaid for low self esteem.  

I have 2 beautiful girls that I love with everything I have (I had them quite young) that are in Junior High and are becoming so independant and involved with so many of their activities, whereas before they needed me more, maybe this has something to do with my feeling unneeded.  Also, I quit my job because my husband was being promoted within his company and started traveling internationally, and there was no way I was going to leave my kids with my parents when I was working/traveling, so I decided to stay at home.  It was the best decision I've made I know, and I've been able to develop a great relationship with my kids and spend quality time with them, but now that they're at that wonderful early teen stage and really prefer the company of their friends, I'm thinking of going back to work part time, but then I need to make sure I'm well enough to do so.  

I had almost 3 months without Norco (I was up to about 9 a day from a year long habit) and then the intense cravings hit me hard just in the past several weeks, and I succombed by getting another Norco script. :(  Fortunately, they made me ill and I stopped taking them, but am really trying to determine what my triggers are.  I've written a list of pros and cons to my drug usage, and look at it at least once a day.  I have LOTS more negatives to taking Norco's than positives, so I try to focus on that, keep busy and make sure I take my vitamins (the recipe really does help).  At least now I know I have to really be on my toes about those cravings and not dwell on what I felt like when I was taking those pills.  It doesn't get me anywhere doing that.

Glad to have y'all here.

[TMP]

Thanks to all for such a warm welcome. You are all truly remarkable people. And to "Jack", I want to say - I'm glad that you shared your story. It is a beginning. I know when I am tanked up on something, that is when my husband and I fight, I'm harder on my 6 year old and it has taken me a long time to realize that the very thing which I thought was making me function, was turning me at times into a royal *****. I also found that on Oxycontin I had some of the worst mood swings ever. I am anxious for the day to come when I feel more even and the littlest thing won't set me off. I remember what it felt like in the spring of 2001 and I so badly want it again. In some ways Jacko you and I are in the same boat. I told my family that I was done with the narcotics in June and have been struggling alone with my deceit since. It doesn't work and that is why I am posting now because I know I need support, compassion, help and maybe a kick in the rear as well. Somehow, I don't feel so alone .

[1fortheroad]

hi and welcome.  until you are honest with your wife and everyone else in your life, you will probably not be able to get back on track.  honesty with yourself and those you care about is the key to long-term success with sobriety - i really believe that.

maybe once you have opened up, you will grow to accept and love your step-son.  i hurt so much for him when i read your post. he needs you every bit as much (maybe more) than your own son.  

i'd hand over the huge stash of meds to someone who can dole them out responsibly to you...good luck.

[Sugarbeens]

I went through the same thing when raising a step=child.  What I can tell you is that the constant chattering is because they are so hungry for love.  You can be the one to show them they are loved unconditionally.  Please try.  You can love your child the most, as is natural, but, you will benefit the rewards later if you show this child they deserve to be loved also.  Throw those drugs away.  You can.  Don't let them destroy your love of yourself and your children and wife.

[Elleah]

What a great accomplishment to have 19 days under her belt after such a large intake, especially for such a young gal. My heart goes out to you, I have 2 young daughters and can't imagine how I would feel in your shoes. I was taking large doses of pain medicine for illness/conditions and found myself a few years ago wanting to try other ways to feel better so I offed the pain meds via rehabilitation center. The tremors and various withdrawals are very real and I hope that if she were feeling as bad, she would get the support from her doctors that she needs. However, it is scary giving up that which you are accustomed to as well, which makes the detoxing very difficult; i.e. the anxiety from giving up could be contributing to the tremors also. I wish I could say something profound to help, but just wanted to say what I have said and let you know what a lucky daughter you have to have a mom who stands by her during this difficult time. It may take time, just hang in there and it appears there are many folks here that care - me included.

[1fortheroad]

i didn't say you were abusive...i don't think anyone said that.  i just said i felt really sorry for your step son because of the following:

"I smother my baby boy of 2 with more love and affection than any one child could want. My step son irritates me to no end with his worthless chatting, and I feel bad I cannot feel about him the way I do about my own son....and my wife. Haha. She would leave so quick if she ever found out. She would take my baby away. My weak spot."

i probably shouldn't have said anything...i am very sensitive about children, and i think they should all be treated like gold.  if he feels that you think what he has to say is "worthless chatting", i feel very sorry for him.  maybe it would be in his best interest if you DID talk with your wife about your feelings or lack of.

[perooney]

Hi, I'm looking for help. I took my 19 year old daughter to the hospital 8/28/02 when she told me she was having withdrawl systems from cocaine.  To make this story short, she has been using for 6 years.  Cocaine, alchol and xanax are her drugs of choice.  However, she has tried it all and even crushes the xanax, percocet, lortab, etc. and snorts it as well as eating them.  She has entered a detox program and I know she will be there atleast until Monday.  She checked herself in and wants to get clean, however, I don't think she expected all the tremors, pain, etc that is going along with it.  The Dr. and nurses think she is exagerating the tremors some just to get a fix.  If anyone out there has gone thru anything like this, please help.  I need success stories so that I can encourage her.  By the way, she is 19 days clean on the coke and she was doing an 8 ball a day along with who knows what else.

[Jack O Trades]

You make me sound like a monster.  :(

I didn't say I didn't have any feelings for Z, it's just that my feelings for S are stronger as he is my blood child.  Z knows I love him.  He knows he has two daddies and that I am not his real father.  He clearly has much stronger feelings for his own father, and has always been that way.  I had problems with that at first because Z's father is kind of a deadbeat dead in terms of support.

Also, talking to "Samantha" right now is not really an option.  She does not have an open enough mind.  Her and I need to fix some things in terms of our communication before I can "come clean" about my relapse.  I am only thankful it is not the five perc a day mess I used to be in.  She is aware that S gets more attention, and she tried to compensate.  Sadly, S gets less attention from Samantha than Z does.  Some days it feel like Samantha and Z against S and myself.

It's been this way long before I became an addict.

Unfortunately for all involved, I walked into a ready made family.  When I had my own blood child, a lot of things changed for me, and I understood more about children and how precious they are.

Yes, I am more critical of Z, and I feel bad and very guilty about that.  It's one reason I encourage his relationship with his bio dad even though he is a deadbeat...this way he'll always have the love of a father he deserves.

I think I am the one who should have kept my mouth shut now.  I apologize if I have offended anyone.  I really needed to unload about my addiction, not my inadequacies as a stepparent.  :(

Best -

"Jack"

[Jack O Trades]

Looking back, I am a little shocked that I was open as I was, probably being as late as it was and being on Ambien (my excuse not to take Vic for bedtime).

First, I want to thank those who are nice, and supportive. Especially when you do not have to be.  I fully admit to being a Vic junkie, and I don;t feel yet like I am ready to give them up totally, even though I want to.  What a strange statement o make, and a strange place to be.  I want to quit drugs, but I am not ready to.  Sounds Oxymoronic (no pun intended).

Next, I hope that I did not misrepresent myself.  I am not a child abuser.  My father was a child abuser, and he made it his habit to being me down to my lowest point about the time I left high school, and home.  When we all left, I swore that I would never be my father, which is why I think I over compensate with my son, whom I will call "S."  My step son, who I will call "Z" does not receive any type of mental or physical abuse.  He is a well loved child, and he knows I love and care for him.  I think my point was I doodle over the baby more, and because Z chatters all the time, it makes me distant (and I have noticed that if I am too high, loud  noises cause my hearing to become overly sensitive and causes headaches, how ironic).

When my wife, who I will call "Samantha" found out the first time I was hooked, I was on Perc.  I cam forward and quit cold turkey up front.  I really had no support system.  Samantha was as supportive as she could be without pulling a "when did you do this to me" act.  Part of our problem is that fact that she tries to make herself blameless in this marriage, and although it is I who chose, and chose to do drugs, there are a whole boatload of other issues for which I am not to blame, but for which she tried to assign blame to me.  Yes, we are seeing a therapist about this and other issues.  I don't tell Samantha about my current situation because I completely feel that she would not be understanding.  She has already told me that she could not survive me having a "relapse" (which I obviously did).  How can I be expected to confess a replace to someone who clearly says they cannot handle it?  Therefore, I keep the pain of my addiction to myself.

I have snuck away to a few NA meetings, but the problem I have with that is that it is assumed you pray to a higher power (in their case, God).  I consider myself agnostic, and therefore it is difficult for me to put faith into something that cannot be proven.  I am not trying to start a debate by making this statement, but rather citing my reason why NA does not work for me.  I tried it, it was not for me.

I stumbled upon this forum by accident.  I was looking for pills.  I think that I have read just about every thread posted here, and by comparision, my problems seem so small and insignificant.  Some of the stories I have seen are just horrific, and I feel so bad for those whose suffering far outweighs my own.  I hope to never be in that position.  You all have my respect, and I really hope that someday I could stand among you and offer my hand in assistance to someone who is reaching out for help.

Fondly,

"Jack"

[Jack O Trades]

I hope you don't mind if I share my story.  I really do not have anyone to talk to.  I can't talk to my wife...she would leave.  I can't talk to my Mom...I don't want to hear the inevitable sigh of disappointment.

I lives 28 years without painkillers, without drags of any kind.  I was one of those kids who got his ass kicked in high school for being a "goody goody."  JUST SAY NO!  Then in 2001 a tooth in my mouth broke.  While I was searching for a dentist, my doc prescribed me some Darvocet to tide me over.  Helped with the pain, but was very weak.  After finding a dentist and getting a descent appointment time (here in Florida, that can be impossible) I was told I was going to need three teeth pulled.  Enter the Percocet.  After that is was Vicodin ES for the various pains and minor surgeries required to put my mouth back together.  Over a period of three months I turned into an opiate junkie.  And I loved it!  I stretched those pills out for as long a I could and when I ran out, I would create some ailment in my mouth that needed fixing.  I would sabotage my dental work to get my pills.  After a while I started having my primary physician prescribe Percocet, because the dentist would not.  This addiction ran until May of 2002.

Then I made the mistake of telling everyone about it and had to get clear in like, a week's time.  Everybody thinks I have made it, but I have not.  I should be given an Oscar for my performance as a straight guy while tanked up on Vic.

That's it.  I have a bunch of 10/600 in my closet, another half of 15/325 w/ three refills I got off the net in my desk drawer.  A full bottle of 10 MG Lortab in my car with 1 refill.  It's sort of a Vicodin Christmas around my house, and yet I do not caught, because I have refined acting like a normal person to an art.  It's not like the ungrateful person I am married to sleeps with me, so she'll never tell by that side effect.

I quit it once and relapsed to where I am now.  I try not to feel like a loser.  I am content that I have several supplies stashed and ready and that I won't be watching the clock, so to speak.  What a shitty way to be.  Content in my euphoria and my master that brings it.

I smother my baby boy of 2 with more love and affection than any one child could want.  My step son irritates me to no end with his worthless chatting, and I feel bad I cannot feel about him the way I do about my own son....and my wife.  Haha.  She would leave so quick if she ever found out.  She would take my baby away.  My weak spot.

I should quit, I know I should.  I should be able to find the happiness in my life that opiates bring me.  When I look at the alternative, then I know that as much as I want to quit, I am not ready to.  I need this false peace just a little while longer.

I have enjoyed reading your stories and your support of each other,  It's not something I can get in my lonely life, which is finally deiced to break my silence.

I don't know what I am asking for really.  I don't know if there is an answer.  I'm just...here.

Best to all of you wonderful people.  :)

Jack

[alexandra_r]

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum.  I am glad to have read your story.  As you can see--you share a lot of similarities with the people on this forum.  

Briefly, my story:  I was heavily involved with heroin, methadone and cocaine over ten years ago--I used consistently for about 6 years and lost everything--my husband to an OD, my apartment, my family and friends--everything.  I also tried a serious suicide attempt that (luckily) failed--the good thing about that attempt was that it got me into a great treatment program.  I had been off all drugs for over ten years up until about 16 months ago when I injured my back very seriously and was put on opiates.  I never did let it get too out of hand (probably because it never seemed like that great of a high to me!) but I did become addicted and wanted off.  So, I found this forum and the support of all the great and different types of people really helped me to get through the last month.  I have been completely off all meds for about a month.  My back hurts (a lot at times--in fact, I have almost started taking meds again at some points), but my outlook on life is good and I'm happy to have some of my old energy back.  When I feel like reaching for a pill, I usually post on the forum and that distracts me long enough to get me through.

I would like to give you one really good reason to quit using drugs--SEX IS MUCH BETTER WITHOUT THE DULLING EFFECTS OF OPIATES.  I had forgotten how much fun it is--wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Again, welcome--I'm kind of windy (I know!).  So I won't bore you with details on other aspects of my mundane life!  

[skipper]

TMP:
welcome to the forum. there will always be room for one more junky in here, so come on in. it's really slow here so far today. it must be the holiday weekend. i'm glad i'm not headed out anywhere.

i've been an opiate since 1967, most of the time supporting my habit by breaking into drug stores. i guess i've been around a few pills. i somehow got clean in 1982 and stayed that way untill '98. while i was clean it occured to me i never once though about what i would do if i ever really needed an opiate pain killer. well then an old neck injury from 1970 came back to haunt me...iwas screwed 'cause i really needed a pain killer, but didn't know how to take one. Andrew Weil would have told me i didn't know how to have a "good relationship with opiates." well since then i've had 2 cervical spine surgerys with a suicide attempt in between. i have neverbeen in so much pain in all my life. well since the suicide attempt in january of 2001, i've been involved with this forum. i did not start posting until after the last spinal surgery in the spring of 2001. i don't really know where or what i would be up to without it.

i'm sure you will feel better every day you can put inbetween you
and the last time you got loaded on pills. i think you will find
that "being among your own" (dope fiends who want something more
than to scratch their nose and their ass in the wrong order,etc)
will prove tremendiously helpful. i'm sure that by Monday at
least a half a dozen others like ourselves will extend a welcome
to you!

please keep posting and keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[TMP]

Hi All,
I have had the occasional post but thought that I would finally tell my story. Like everyone else I am a prescription drug addict. I always thought that I had it under control. I was diagnosed with endometriosisis when I was 23 and I am now almost 39. I have spent most of that time on some sort of pain med as I can't take Nsaid's because of severe asthma.  I got busted by my primary care doc when the pharmacist called her about the amount she was giving of Vicoden and my gyn was giving me of T'3's. So she knowing that I did have legit pain prescribed Stadol NS. So, you all know where that went and I kicked that when I got pregnant. It was a horrible detox but I made it through that and a healthy pregnancy and even through pain meds for a csection. I was doing fine until a shoulder surgery when my baby was 8 months old and I started down the road again, pain, abuse, pain , abuse. And all of the time having endo pain and more surgeries. I was put on oxycontin in 2000 and spent a year on that roller coaster before I finally hit bottom and begged my primary care doctor for help. I was in an inpatient rehab for 10 days, 5 of which were spent in detox. I had one trip to the er for non stop vomiting. It was almost a month before I could eat without throwing up. And once I was okay, I actually realized that I didn't miss the drugs. Well, I had a surgery in August for my endo, more drugs, another in January, more drugs and finally a hysterectomy in April. Well, this time around it has been very hard to beat the drugs. I have been clean for 4 days, with one slip in between. I am surprised that I haven't been sicker, nothing like last time. Even though I went through 50 oxycodone in two days. Mostly, I feel tired, unmotivated and shaky. No appetite etc. No restless leg, no vomiting, I can't believe that any way, I have been lurking on this forum for years and finally had to post. You are all so supportive, it blows me away. Of course this is just the hilights but I wanted to say thanks for being so great and I am just wondering when I will start to feel better.