Aa
Update on my wife Kisten and a confession of my own.
He everyone, Mason here. Sorry it has been a while it's been quite the weird week for me. Kristen is doing great. No signs of permenent damage and she seems to really be enjoying her treatment. She was put on new meds that seem to habe made her a brand new person. I havent heard her complain about the treatment once. She should be home in two more weeks... now for my confession... so the reason i havent really posted was because i relapsed. although my D.O.C. is heroin/oxy 80s i also have an afinity for ice (crystal meth). i have always been worried about relapsing on H never meth because it was only ever my secondary drug and never my first choice... but i had to go back to work and i had ZERO energy and it is so accessible... i know it's mo excuse, nothing is but after that "one time" i just had forgotten how great it makes me feel.. and for me meth goes hand in hand with alcohol and when i dont have meth in my system i HATE alcohol. in three days i have been blowing it non stop and have gone through two thirties and 6 packs of cigarettes. smooth right? i havent done any today and i am craving but not jumping out of my skin craving... my "friends" offered a slam up session but i know where shooting up leads and there was nothing they could say to get me to join in. just the process of shooting up is addictive in itself. i cant tell kristen right now cuz she will blame herself. i cant do that to her and i already feel incredibly guilty. i also figured out that i am co-dependant on kristen... i have always spent a ton of time caring for her tha i never had to think about my own problems. now that im alone and shes away i cant deal...i call it my "ah-ha" moment.(yes im a grown straight man that watches Opera) lol. but i know i need to stop. its a vicious cycle i stay up forever then am exhausted and need more to stay awake. or i feel so guilty and angry i use to get numb... any advice support? what should i do about telling Kris? oh, and i have picked an addiction specialist and have an appointment on monday. and i have been looking for an na group for a while but around here all it is is either "i have 50 years under my belt and i did it cold turkey and thats the only way. suboxone and methadone are for weak people" or they are a bunch of thugs who were court ordered to be there. i take sub for my H addiction and im okay with that, but a lot of people think its the "easy" way out, which makes me so angry... im sorry im rambling i just need to talk....
-Mason.
-Mason.
Just glad to hear from you and even get good news. You understand how lucky you both are.....most people do not get a second chance from your type of experience. I also got that second chance and it has made a difference that is hard to communicate. But it is so very real. You just have to ignore some folks and hope for their sakes that they grow up at some time. It isnt worth wasting your energy on much else. For the most part I have found the people here on medhelp to be of a class by themselves. And I mean that as the highest compliment that I can come up with. Many spend hours here just trying to give people some decent advice for their situations. And it generally comes from personal experience. The people that post here have paid dues that most simply cannot imagine. And, far from a stereotype - - I found the people here to be both intelligent and articulate - - I have made some very close friends that are fine folks - - i would welcome any of them to be my neighbor. I also hope that Kristen will continue to post when she has access to a computer again ....... it is good for everyone. I am even a little curious about her experience - - even though I havent really discussed my own adventure with anyone but my wife ......... Feel free to vent and rant as much as you like - it is good for the soul..... And once again I am so happy for you and Kristen....
first let me just say this is in response to all the negativity not directed at lesa and theeagle you guys have been amazing and thank you so much..this is to the people that insist on being terrible...you know i just dont understand why people feel the need to have these negative posts?! the one with the pregnant heroin addict is literally driving me nuts. i cant help but worry about that girl. im not afraid to stand up for myself. ive spent enough time dwelling on the negativity from people around me that i actually say something now. no i dont think its a good idea to feed into the negativity but if someone doesnt stand up and say something when will it stop and how many more people will have have to feel like a peice of s*** and be turned away from a place that should and most of the time DOES offer a glimmer of hope when they have none... im just incredibly disgusted by it. ive said it before and will say it again- a lot of people that come here are already on edge and to use hurtful and harsh words may just push them over...its not fair to them. i dont know why its even tolerated.. i know this is a public forum but thats why its up to those who are being negative to to find something nice to say or just dont say it. ok done ranting now...
-Mason
-Mason
You just keep on keeping on just as you plan to do - - have to agree with lesa that you did good by staying away from the slam fest ..... no good can come from that..... stick with your plan.
you wouldnt have had to read every post- but those who have encouraged me through all of this have been a part of it from day 1 so they are making their comments based on the actual story. and people here take the things said on this forum to heart so dont you think its important to at the very least get most of the story before making harsh comments?! and as for you striking a nerve- i was angered that you assumed things rather than took any time to read what the truth of my life is, but you sure took the time to type out a full post where you made stereotypical judgements on me, my situation, and my marriage. which i do not think is fair to do on a forum where the people who come here are already on edge and going throgh a terribly difficult time... i mean dont you think its important to make sure that the things you are saying are encouraging and based on what the user has posted? and yes this is a public forum and not everyone will have the same opinion, but there was nothing to agree or disagree with... and i thought that this forum was for answers and encouragement which everything everyone else has posted has been. your post was just stereotypes and assumptions which both of which are negative things. im not arguing nor am i upset anymore- what i have been sayng all along is maybe you should get even half the story before using the time you do have to post something based on your own assumptions... because as cliche as it sounds the saying about assuming is true. it just makes an a** out of "u" and "me."
Hey chanandalerbong.... I have been following your story and was very grateful to read your dear wife is ok and in treatment... I was also heartened to read you did not pick up the rig.. I to was a junkie for 4 years then turned to crank.. you are right about a separate addiction to the needle.. Glad you have not gotten wired in a couple of days.. eat well drink fluids and try to catch up on sleep.. as far as the brother in law.. he has to go.. I do not mean to be so blunt or harsh but I know what I had to loose in order to stay clean from street drugs. Your dear Kristen may love him but he is showing her no love or respect.. after a attempt on her life with drugs I think he is a little sh!t just for showing up at your door.. You have been through very much this last week.. be kind to yourself.. no more back sliding ok.. we both know that life gets very weary and causes our world to shrink incredibly when we turn to drugs to get us through.. try taking a walk. this helps with my energy.. you have just been through a emotional and physical whirlwind.. finish up business and kick the brother in law out.. then sit back take a deep breath You will get through this.. 2 years is a lot of time under your belt.. I'm very proud that you posted as you have no responsibility to this forum.. only to yourself and your lovely wife.. take care.. lesa
It is very hard to go back and read every post you have ever made. I have not been able to do that. There are hundreds of people who post here.
I was not trying to be negative here, and I am sorry you took it that way.
I have to wonder if I may have hit a nerve with you because some of what I may say could be true?!
You posted to an open forum, and so you must know that not everybody is going to agree with everything you do. I read your last post twice, I guess I am just not understanding what it is you want us/me to say. I does not really matter why or with what you relapsed on, you know that you need and want to get and stay clean. I fully encourage you to do that both for yourself and your wife. Good Luck to you.
God Bless
Morganave
I was not trying to be negative here, and I am sorry you took it that way.
I have to wonder if I may have hit a nerve with you because some of what I may say could be true?!
You posted to an open forum, and so you must know that not everybody is going to agree with everything you do. I read your last post twice, I guess I am just not understanding what it is you want us/me to say. I does not really matter why or with what you relapsed on, you know that you need and want to get and stay clean. I fully encourage you to do that both for yourself and your wife. Good Luck to you.
God Bless
Morganave
although i appreciate your response i think you have mis interpreted what i was saying. yes i do have a lot of stress in my life right now but that is the story of my life and not the cause for my relapse. i have lead a life of stressful situation non of which have been a trigger for my repetitive drug use. i have been clean for two years now and my relapse has been caused from the fact that i have realized how co-dependant i am on Kristen. aside from that the reason i dont want to tell her is because she is in in patient treatment because she tried to kill herself and i dont want her thinking my relapse was her fault, because it wasnt. both our d.o.c.'s are opiates mine beingheroin and hers oxys. i didnt relapse on opiates i relapsed on crystal meth which was never my d.o.c. just a back up because it was the only thing that seemed to over ride the wd's. so even if i hadnt stopped and kristen came home while i was still using it wouldnt make her crave or w/e because she only likes opiates. though thats not a problem- i stopped using yesterday and have no intentions of using again. no im not justifying my drug use and im sorry if it sounds as though i have an attitude but i do. if you are going to say harsh things like "you will ruin your marraige" you should probably read all the posts. kristen and i have been through a lot including our heavy drug use and our recovery and we actually do mean for better or worse, not for better and maybe a few bad moments. on top of that i hate being grouped together with stereotypical "addict behavior". i came here to talk with thoughs who have read and helped from the beginning of my story not for someone looking to lecture when they think it is appropriate to throw their two cents in. if you had read my earlier posts at all i explained what was going on and that i indeed was taking care the problem. like i siad im sorry for the attitude, but i dont think its appropriate to lecture on something you havent read completely about. its not fair to those looking for encuraging words to read a post about how they are screwing up everything and how terrible they are. i already have a great deal of anxiety about the situation and a share of guilt and anger tied in. so im just saying next time you post and use such harsh words, you should know the whole story first. again im sorry but i just cant sit here and not say anything when someone talks so negatively about a situation that they are totally familiar about especially my marriage. thanks to everyone else for the encouragement and extremely helpful advice. i really appreciate it.
-Mason
-Mason
Glad to hear that Kisten are doing much better. I do not think I know exactly what put her in the hosp. I do not remember reading that entry...however, you know that you are going to have other stress causing issues in the future, we all do, and you need to get back on the horse and ride on. You both are going to have to learn to face life good and bad without the aid of your DOC. Easier said then done, I know.
This is not the time for you to relapse. You need to show everyone that you and your wife are more than drugs. You have only lapsed for a few days, quit now. We come to the site already knowing what we need to do. We just want some to confirm that.
You know that you have to get your act back on track before she is released. If you are using, and that is her problem, you can not expect her to stay clean if you have it and it is in your house and life. If she should choose to stay clean and you are not, you will not beable to live together, never mind keeping your marriage together.
The next thing you need to do is let your brother in law know that there will be no DRUGS in our around you and his sister. Tell him he is not wanted in your home until he is clean as well. I would tell him not to come around while your are dealing with Kisten and your drug issue. Do you have a pastor, if not get someone you can confide in and dump some of your stress on them. Not your dope buddies. One thing I learned from my coke days was the people I partied with were not the ones who were going to donate blood to me so I could stay alive. They are not your friends. Friends do not get high with the friends who are trying to stay on the right course.
Okay, no more lecture for tonigh.
Morganave
This is not the time for you to relapse. You need to show everyone that you and your wife are more than drugs. You have only lapsed for a few days, quit now. We come to the site already knowing what we need to do. We just want some to confirm that.
You know that you have to get your act back on track before she is released. If you are using, and that is her problem, you can not expect her to stay clean if you have it and it is in your house and life. If she should choose to stay clean and you are not, you will not beable to live together, never mind keeping your marriage together.
The next thing you need to do is let your brother in law know that there will be no DRUGS in our around you and his sister. Tell him he is not wanted in your home until he is clean as well. I would tell him not to come around while your are dealing with Kisten and your drug issue. Do you have a pastor, if not get someone you can confide in and dump some of your stress on them. Not your dope buddies. One thing I learned from my coke days was the people I partied with were not the ones who were going to donate blood to me so I could stay alive. They are not your friends. Friends do not get high with the friends who are trying to stay on the right course.
Okay, no more lecture for tonigh.
Morganave
Pull up your socks you know what to do Reaching out is so importatnt and being honest with yourself is incredible great job .I would suggest some councellig for self. All the best j
COMMUNITY LEADER
I said this before to you.....It is time to take back YOUR life. This is your home and your brother in law just simply cant be allowed back in. If he is ever going to get better himself he is going to have to be out on the street. This is enabling him. I understand this is a tough situation but hopefully thru the counseling some of the guilt feelings about him will go away. Now that Kristen isnt at the house for awhile YOU toss him out and anyone else that is coming over. Take a stand. He may be mad but that is okay. This is about YOU and YOUR WIFE now. Keep fighting and stay strong. You can do this........sara
yea kristens brother is a real leech... he comes to our house everyday. eats our food, watches our cable, sleeps on the couch and brings drugs in our house...and this is EVERYDAY.... typical he annoys me but i dont have a problem ignoring him and kristen feels like she cant say anything cuz it would be hipocritical. but i work very hard for the things we have and he just doesnt even care. one night he came here all doped up and broke dishes that kristens great grandmother had given her. they were from the 1800s a family treasure and he could have cared less. he, on most nights, sleeps under the betsy ross bridge, unless its really really cold in which case kristens tells him to come here shower and get warm which p*sses me off so bad because he needs to be out there on one of those nights and figure out why he needs to get his **** together... but you can bet he was right here just in time for me to relapse ready to party... i swear he has never had any effect or influence on my recovery before. but this past week was different i just didnt want to feel. i wanted to be numb. i didnt do anything yesterday and nothing today even though mike is begging me to. i want to punch him but i am in nature a gentle guy... but he is bringing this rage out in me that ive never felt.... anyone else have someone like my brother in law in your lives? what did you do about it??? i feel stuck and as much as im craving i dont want to take any chances.... help?
thanks,
-Mason
thanks,
-Mason
I was just thinking about ya'll this morning. I was gonna send you a pm to check on Kris. I am glad to hear she is doing better. Now it is time to take care of YOURSELF!!! I cant offer much advice about your relapse..as I am fairly new to this long hard road called recovery. But I can offer you all my support and prayers!!!! Hang in there. Now that you have had your "ah-ha" moment you and Kris can heal together. Please keep us updated.
Alli
Alli
it is a shame that Kristens brother isn't dealing with his own issues given that she ended up in such a drastic position. this must be extremely difficult for you to be around all the time.
please don't be too hard on yourself.
you've been through an awful lot lately and i'm sure that when Kristen is back home you can both help each other out.
fantastic news that she's doing well. thanks for letting us know.
all the best Mason,
Nick
please don't be too hard on yourself.
you've been through an awful lot lately and i'm sure that when Kristen is back home you can both help each other out.
fantastic news that she's doing well. thanks for letting us know.
all the best Mason,
Nick
thanks for the encouraging words... one of my biggest problems with these "friends" is one of them is Kristens brother. its crazy how one day other peoples words and actions have no influence on you and then the next day... welp its all down hill. im afraid that if i cut off mike that it will cause problems...sticky situation...
COMMUNITY LEADER
You have alot on your plate right now. I am really glad to hear you have an appt with an addiction specialist.......Time for YOU to take care of yourself. Neither one of you will be good for each other if you dont get the help you need. Take this time to work on you. Get rid of the so called friends you have been around and take control of your life. It is time to make a fresh start. Your wife is getting help now so use this time for you. You can do this!!!!! Glad to hear there was no damage to Kristen. sara
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