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[PainH8ter]

Hello. I'm a 37 yr old mother of 4. I was very active in life but was single & dealing with a lot of stressors, single mother, kids getting into trouble, no decent family to have any kind of support system with. I was on my own. Was a State Food Stamp Caseworker, very stressful & demanding job. I am a very pale Irish girl so I was always pretty sensitive to pain, the sun & changes. I was ALWAYS feeling exhausted, my whole life I couldn't get enough sleep. Pushing myself every single day to try & make the best of it, severe depression since the age of 15.  Stress became my downfall as pain started hitting me from head to toe for weeks at a time. I thought I was crazy. I dealt with it all until a gall bladder surgery caused me to have severe, uncontrollable diarrhea. Nothing they gave me stopped it. I noticed that the pain killers they gave me after the surgery stopped it dead in it's tracks, helped with the pain & was for some reason giving me the energy & the will to keep going, better than ever. I had been on pain killers before & they made me so sick, I would just throw them out. I have no idea what changed to where it felt easier to deal with life on them than off. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, Obstructive Sleep Apnea, Major Depression, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Scoliosis, Degenerative Disc Disease, Insomnia, Migraines & Psoriatic Arthritis, sores develop on my arms, hands, face & backs of knees when I stress out & that intensifies all the pain. I had to stop working  nearly 4 years ago because my body reacts severely to stress & pain. I have a 2 yr old I can barely pick up most of the time because my arms are so painful & weak. it's been a very long & hard last 4 yrs. I started trying to keep getting pain meds, started with Norco's off & on for 2 years & then a pain management dr put me on 3 Percocet's a day 10/325 for 6 straight months. Anytime I wasn't taking them, I was nothing. I couldn't get through a day without horrible things going on mentally & physically. Being so sensitive, it seems it's going to be so much harder for me than some. I was taking them as prescribed for the 1st couple of years, not having to really have much, only one a day was ok. Then, on the Percs, I felt so much better that I went back to work only to have the pain hit twofold & nothing helped it, not even the meds so I started taking more thinking it would numb me, trying to be able to keep working. I ran out the last week & I experienced for the 1st time in my life, god-awful withdrawals. I refused to go through that again so I just weaned myself off, horrible. Months went by, nothing got better & I was deteriorating mentally & physically, diarrhea came back to the point I was so afraid to eat because of the pain that I rapidly dropped weight & became so weak & suicidal that I was very afraid. I could not even get out of bed for weeks. I couldn't pull myself out of it. I started researching & found Methadone, nope, not for me. Then I stumbled across Suboxone. Was able to get them from a dr. I feel like I've just traded one addiction for another but this one I can get without being looked at as "drug Seeker." I hate it all. I just want to not have to have this to live. I take what's prescribed, no pain pills. I'm scared as hell there's gonna come a day that for what ever reason, these will not be available to me. I wont be able to manage. I tried for nearly a yr to come off of the pills & get healthy but it never came. I couldn't be a mother...At All. I just wanted to stare into space & die. Seriously. I was a shell. So dark & scary. I so want to not take these & be able to live life to some extent. I have to be there for my kids & this has been the only way. I hate how hot they make me feel, they make me sweat. This is so bad in the summer that I can quickly over heat. I don't like them. What can I do? I know this is a lot but I'm pretty desperate & so ready to be ok without a drug. Anything you can help me with? Thanks for your time & for listening.

[EvolverU]

I hear you on the Drs. thinking 'it's not real'. That's happened to a few friends of mine. I find that it happens mostly to women. It's absolutely real & it's on the rise. You are, by no means, alone. So glad to see you joined all those groups. Good for you! Also, glad to hear you're going to the Alternative Med. forum. You'll be able talk to others w/ the same issues. There are also folks here w/ both difficulties (auto-immune diseases and addiction.) Look forward to seeing you around!

[PainH8ter]

Wow! Thank you for this, I'll be heading over to that section soon. Yes, apparently it had been there for a while before I finally went in & just broke down, telling the nurse that I had pain from head to toe. I had just the week before had to move a large 3 bdrm house on my own as & then go to the hospital & stay up all night with my new husband as he had emergency back surgery. After a solid week of stress, little sleep & physical exertion, the pain was unbearable & wouldn't let up. Thank goodness the nurse told me, " well you're not crazy" and this was the beginning of the Fibro thing. I'd never heard of it before. Also, a few doctors had me thinking it wasn't real, a "waste-basket term"~ I don't care what u call it, it's very real.
Anyways, thanks again!

[PainH8ter]

Thank u so much Gretta for responding! I'm hoping someone on here may be able to guide me somewhere safe. No, it's not real & that's something I cannot live with anymore~

[EvolverU]

Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting!

Wow! You have been through it! You've really got the full spectrum auto-immune thing going on. I suspect from what you've posted about your past that this went undiagnosed for a long time (as it's hard for Drs. to diagnosis this for sure until things like the Psoriatic Arthritis crop up.) I also suspect that some of the depression might have it's genesis in this. I'm going to suggest the possibility that the way through this is to start on the Alternative Med. forum. Dietary/lifestyle changes, supplements, an allergy panel and fresh green juices can do much to alleviate these symptoms. I've seen it in action. When you start to heal then you can address the pain meds thing. You're welcome to Private Message (PM) me re; the Alt. Meds (or anything else) anytime you like.Hang in there and please keep posting. We're here for you!

[Gretta96]

I don't think I can help you, but I understand your pain and the way these drugs can really take away our depression, anxiety, insomnia and pain.  I wish they were good for us, we would all be so happy, but is that real?  The people on this site are so supportive and kind, and have a lot more experience than I do.  Believe in yourself, you can end this drug habit and be happy without it.