My husband knows now...

[Tortured34]

I posted here a few days ago under the title "I need to get this out".  I wasn't sure if I should continue on that thread or start a new one. So, my husband now knows all about my addiction to pain pills.  How it happened was so weird and it makes me feel like maybe I was careless on purpose so that I was found out.  This is hard for me to understand because that is exactly what I didn't want to happen.  I wanted to do this on my own terms.  I wanted to be the one who decided when to tell him and how.  Looking back on the conversation that led him to discover my secret I feel like such an idiot...how could I be so careless?  It happened like this:  Since I have discovered this site I have been somewhat obsessed with reading the posts and all the responses.  I access the site through my phone and so he began to notice how I was glued to the screen and eventually asked me what I was doing.  I, without even really thinking, told him on was on a website call medhelp and I discovered an amazing forum for addiction.  One thing that I didn't mention in my first post was that my husband did know that I had a small problem with vicoden in my early 20's.  It was always something I kinda down played with him though and it was always something he thought was part of my past.  I guess when I told him that I was reading people's posts about their addiction to pain pills I was assuming he would just think I sorta stumbled upon the forum and found it intruiging. What was I thinking??  That's why I think it's possible I sub-conciousy let that slip.  Anyway, the conversation obviously raised some red flags with him and he went on the website and said he found my post after reading through many.  He said as he was reading it that in his head he was like "this is my wife".  He wasn't sure at first, but he read all my posts and said he just knew.  He confronted me yesterday morning after he left for work.  A few hours after he left he sent me an email with the subject heading "please complete". I opened it to find an unfinished letter addressed to him that said, "Dear (insert my husband's name) I have something very important to tell you....  At the end of the email it said, I love you very deeply and will be here for you.  After reading that I just knew that he knew.  I panicked.  I called him at work and started sobbing asking him what he was talking about.  I was frantic and so scared.  I was alone at home with a 2 year old running around who was happy as a clam and wanting to know "why mommy was crying".  It was absolutely awful.  He was great though.  He told me how much he loved me and how proud he was of me for posting and taking the first step.  He was crying though and I could just tell that I had crushed him. It was heatbreaking I think for both of us. He was at work so he couldn't really talk.  He came home that evening and we only had a hour to talk before we HAD to go to a surprise party.  He just held me as I cried uncontrollably and I kept telling him how sorry I was.  He kept reassuring me that he would be here for me and help me to get the help I needed.  We have yet to really sit down and discuss all the details and I know he has a lot of questions he wants answered.  Our plan is to sit down on Monday, when we can get some child care, and really get everything out on the table.  That's it. It so weird that it's just suddenly over like that after years of going through all sorts of scenarios in my head about how to tell him or how he would find out.  I've never been so scared in my entire life.  I'm scared to talk about all the details of my addiction with him.  Even thinking about it makes me break out in a sweat.  I am still taking the same amount as I always have.  Before this all happened yesterday my plan was to start a taper on April 1st, but after I read that email that plan kinda flew out the window.  I know this is all for the best and I am so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing and supportive husband who I love so much, but at this point I am just so scared to live a life without these pills.  I am scared of the physical withdrawals, but I am much more scared of the long term depression and lack of motivation and energy that I know is to come.  Especially because I have used for a long time and at a pretty high dose (my earlier post states all the details of my usage).  And, like I stated in my earlier post, I know the big reason I take them and why I started taking them in the first place was to escape my depression and anxiety.  I had tried close to 10 different anti depressants with no luck before I discovered how well pain pills took the bad feelings away.  I do want to stop and I hate this, but I dont feel quite ready to quit. I dont know if I ever will feel ready though.  At this point I dont have a choice.  A change is going to occur.  I just wish I had gotten there when I felt like I was ready, but like I said I may never have felt ready. I know this is long so I am going to wrap it up, but thank you for reading and any advice is welcomed.

[Gpison]

It has to feel good to have this out in the open...no more hiding or lying. Your husband sounds fantastic and I'm sure the both of you can tackle this together.

Your habit isnt really as big as you may think. Assuming your an otherwise healthy person, you should have no serious medical issues comming off that amount. Sooo many people here were on alot higher doses, including me and CT was 5 to 7 days with 3 and 4 being the worst. You will start feeling better on the 5th day. As Jimmy stated, consult your Doctor, there is no reason now not to. It's time to let go and move on. So much of withdrawl is mental. Get all the supplies you need from the health pages and arrange for say child care.

You can and will do this!

Good luck to you and your family.

[dominosarah]

I am very happy that your husband knows what is going on now and is being supportive.  

The pills give us a false sense of security.  You say you are afraid of what life will be like without the pills, i would be more afraid of what will happen if you continue to use.  There is no happy ending with these pills.  Using is only a symptom of what is going on.  Dig deep within yourself and make the right choice here.         sara

[BrotherFrankie]

you hubby is a keeper.. be blessed

[sudie58]

hi, yes i remember your other posts, (btw you dont have to start a new post, )anyway, i am glad its all come out in the open, secrets just feed our addictions even more, you have a chance to get off these pills, and start fresh, depression cant always be dealt with by pills alone, the talking therapys can be vital, and in any case vicodin is the wrong thing to take for that, with help and support you can get your life back, and be helped with your depression, it is scary, i know but totally worth it, and we get our self respect back, i really wish you well. sudie

[Jimmy1975]

Hi again ! That is a pretty heavy habit . I think at that dose I would consult  my physician first and come clean with him or her . Stopping abruptly at that level without the right taper plan could be very dangerous . Blood pressure will get very high for one . We have health pages and I would also check out The Thomas Recipe . You without a doubt are going to need some down time for sure ! The good news is you are going to get your life back . Stay with us and we will help you all the way back to that life . Get a doctors appointment fast and lets do this ! Jimmy

[gnarly_1]

HI im really glad this came out .....are secrets keep us sick.....and it will really be helpful to have your hubby on board....you can do this but you got to want it for you....im bipolar I have suffered threw many depressions ...today there are new meds that work wonders get off the narcotics ans get on one of the newer antidepressants keep posting let us know how this all goes and when your readt to stop we can help good luck and God bless.....Gnarly  

[Tortured34]

Hey Jimmy,
Oxycodone was my drug of choice.  I have used daily for the last 5 years, with one stint of being sober when I was pregnant about 2.5 years ago.  I had my first percocet 10 years ago but only used and off the first 5 years.  In my earlier post, a few days ago, I put that information in, but I should have re-iterated it.  I take between 100-150 mg a day.

[Jimmy1975]

Hello and welcome to our community ! My name is Jimmy I have been here since 2007 . It took me 4 times to stop  Vicodin  abuse  so you are far from alone . It would be very helpful if we knew what exactly you are taking and how much and how long . Then we can go from there . Again welcome !  Jimmy