Went to my First AA Meeting and Hated It!

[loveandlight05]

OK, so I am in private therapy with an addiction specialist. However, I decided that I would like to give AA/NA a try to see if the two would work well together. I was thinking that more help couldn't be a bad idea. So, I went to my first AA meeting tonight. I guess I should have found and NA meeting because I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb. I have always heard that the two are kind of interchangeable. It didn't feel like it. I said, for the first time out loud, that I am an addict. After the meeting, the women who were available to be sponsors came up and asked me if I was an alcoholic or an addict. I said that I was just trying to live a sober life. They told me that I  may end up in an AA meeting where someone asks me to specify if I want to drink or not. I think they were kind of telling me I went to the wrong meeting which is most likely the case.

I just listened this time, but I kind of felt like I couldn't relate to a lot of what was being said. I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my pills, but everyone was talking about wild partying. That is the opposite of what my addiction made me feel like.

Should I try NA and see if I like that better? I really like my therapist, but the prevailing thought process on private therapy was that it does not work. I feel like I gain a lot with my addiction therapist. What do yall think?

[loveandlight05]

Yes, I am thinking NA is the right choice. I liked listening to everyone speak, and they were all very kind to me. They chose to make the entire meeting about having a "newbie", so I was a bit embarrassed. I just don't like attention at all. I just felt really uncomfortable when I said the part about being an addict. Of course, they did nothing to discourage me from coming.

I just feel I would be more comfortable with an NA meeting and being with others who identify as an addict as well. I understand that alcoholism and addiction are one in the same, and we all experience the same temptation to use or drink. Really, the only difference is the substance, in my opinion. But I would definitely feel more comfortable being around others who get the lure of pills. That has always been my issue. I was never into cocaine or weed or really anything at all but pills. My love affair was with pills. And truly, I did not discriminate. I liked them all as long as they gave me a buzz and got me high. I need to be around others who get me.

In response to PP above, I truly appreciate your concern for my well being, but I am not even thinking of relapsing at this time. Yes, I am handling a lot with an unsupportive husband, possible losing my career, facing possible jail time, etc. But jail did something to me that nothing else ever has: sitting in that processing room that night, being locked in there with no where to go, not restroom to use, no book to read, scared the absolute **** out of me. I can't even explain to you how sick I was at that moment from fear. That fear remains with me every day as I trudge forward to work, to play with my kids, to the wedding I am going to tonight. I am constantly in fear. It is awful, but the fear is keeping me clean. I fear jail. I fear death. I fear losing my children. I will forever associate drugs with the loss of a life that I once loved and the beginning of so much pain. Drugs have crushed me, I don't want to use them again. I want to eradicate them from this world.  

[motye51]

I agree with what everyone above has said....don't rule it totally out yet, try finding N/A.  I did alot of A/A in the beginning b/c there are like every hour, on the hour A/A meetings in my area and only 1 N/A mtg per day.  I was made to feel a bit out of place in A/A but I was new and wasn't really speaking so I didn't care....but I did hear some snide remarks about alcohol being legal and drugs not legal (of course some of the ones I took were legal???)...but it's not a fit for everyone.  I enjoy N/A at least 4 x's a week and it's a nice, small group of great people.

[dominosarah]

Find some NA meetings. Sometimes it takes a bit to find the one that fits.

[Ejm7263]

So in 1996 I cleaned up in NA from street drugs. We would go to AA sometimes but I didn't feel like an alcoholic. I stayed clean for years until my back injury.
At least I knew where to go to get my life back. Problem is I don't live in the same city & there's not a healthy NA meeting around. I did however find an amazing AA group where 80% admit to drugging also. But in the meetings they stick to AA singleness of purpose alcohol.
I'm willing to do anything today. I found a sponsor who had also done drugs. I also in my mind use alcohol to represent anytime I did ANYTHING that altered me.
I also know when I first started NA I relapsed twice both times it started with a drink, wow. Maybe I just to work the steps & practice theses principles in ALL my affairs.

Please give yourself a break & so time. Try for a while, visit a few groups in your area. Find someone you hear sharing like you. It will happen. Then get some help.
Be willing...
So proud of you. So glad your hear.

[weaver71]

By the way, I decided AA was not a good fit for me, but I went to 120 meetings in 120 days. It helped a lot and I recommend at least 90 in 90 to everyone. The friends I made are still friends in my little town, I just have issues with bipolar mania and I think I freaked some members out at 120 days. They didn't quit know what to think, some thought I was back on drugs. Anyway, hit 2 meetings a day one AA and one NA, I wish it worked for me, I think those people are lucky to have that program.

[weaver71]

I went to every AA/NA in my county. It took about two weeks or so to find out which ones I liked. I ended up primarily AA meetings where several folks had been on opiates too. Some had surgery and realized later that the pills had grabbed them like the booze, others were professionals who are opiate addicts and relate to the personalities of AA members more. I didn't go to meetings where alcoholics said pills are okay, because a doctor dishes them out. They are all very different. Just go to a different one everyday for awhile.

When people talked parties and wild fun, I commented that it made me uncomfortable to hear it. The secretary would always agree that recover is the focus and the group needed to focus on that. I was told the first chapter of the Big Book mentions drugs or alcohol, it is never brought up again. So those who stay in the first chapter get bored, the story must go on. So keep trying new things.

I joined a gym for health, ended up having mini meetings in the sauna. Addicts are everywhere. The more comfortable I became talking about it, the more I met cashiers, bankers, nurses, business owners, and all kinds of people who are my support, woven into my community. Keep trying new things. Take what works, leave the rest.

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well most meeting will put a stop to ''war storys'' it is about recovery they dont care how much you used who your conections where or how much you have or dont have they just want to hlep you with your problem  N/a is a better fit for me  although a long time ago I did A/A to face3 my alcoholisim I lived many more years as a addict and with N/A we stay away from all drugs alcohol included so give a N/a meeting a try it is the best thing I ever did for my recovery......Gnarly

[Pat1956100]

I'm pretty sure she meant that when she was using, she just wanted to curl up on her couch with pills yet the AA people were talking about wild partying when they were drinking so it was hard for her to relate.
I think there is just a miscommunication here.

[IBKleen]

We relapse spiritually and emotionally before we do physically. My fear is that you are there...on the verge of relapse. The disease of addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful. It talks to us when we don't know it is talking. It convinces us of things we don't know it is convinces us of. . The best time to go to a meeting is when you don't want to. Amazingly, we would do ANYTHING for our drugs..and I DO mean ANYTHING. But when it comes to our recovery we have every excuse in the world. Step outside your comfort zone, get humble and ask for help.

[luvdolphins58]

Good job. Regardless u r so worth it. Praying for you

[jifmoc]

You wrote: "I just wanted to curl up on the couch with my pills" that's what I was referring to.

[loveandlight05]

I didn't feel like going home and taking pills. I just didn't know if this was the place for me. I didn't feel bad when I left, just unsure.

[jifmoc]

Oops. I mean we CANNOT drink anyway, so it doesn't matter!!

[jifmoc]

Hey, what IBkleen said is right on. I never had a problem w/ alcohol but I go to AA because there are so many meetings and in the end, it is all the same. I still call myself an "addict" and no one cares. We can drink anyway, so it doesn't matter.

Also, the way you wrote you sounded like most people: feeling self-conscious and resentful. I'm still resentful; I don't want to be an addict. But I share about that all the time. Made so many new friends that way. Honesty is the key.

No one was thinking anything about you. They are there for themselves, they are addicts/alcoholics and everyone has there own sh!t. Of course, you want to say eff this meeting and go home w/ you pills. Because you are an addict. Because it's comfortable. We don't like change. But, we have to. Going back to your old life is easy: and you know what will happen right?

Go to another one w/ an opened mind. And, raise your hand!!

P.S.- my sponsor always tells me that opiates are alcohol in pill form anyway. Substance doesn't matter. It's what's under it.

[Jinx_777]

don't give up on them yet.  try NA and if it makes you more comfortable find an all women meeting.  it may take 5 before you find one where you feel comfortable

[IBKleen]

I am so sorry you had an unpleasant experience. First, the 12 step programs are not necessarily for everyone but I always encourage people to try it for 90 days. If at the end of 3 months you don't like it then it may not be a match for you. Yes, there are some AA groups out there that are strict to "alcoholics only" and there are reasons for that. With the influx of drug addiction in this country these groups have been invaded and there are bad feelings with addicts coming in and out of "their" rooms. Not your problem. So instead of saying AA is not for you, how about you say that that particular meeting is not for you. Try another one. Try NA. And another thing I will suggest is that you don't look to "identify" with the drug..whether it be Heroin, Booze, Pills, etc. Identify with the feelings that all addicts feel..no matter what drug. Identify with the guilt that we feel, the shame that we feel, the loneliness, the feeling of not fitting in and so on. The drug is just a vessel. So try that and I will bet you see a huge difference in your opinion of the program.  

Here is a link to NA meetings in your area. Fill in the blanks and you will find different types of meetings. Try some and see how you feel. Let us know and honey..above everything else, hang in there and don't use no matter what!!

http://www.na.org/meetingsearch/

[ActingBrandNew]

Sorry you had an experience like that. That is common at AA meetings. Dont take it personal. Yeah, you should check out an NA meeting. At AA they want you to identify as an alcoholic. When I used to go, Id introduce myself as an alcoholic just to make THEM feel better. They teach the same principals so if you can get past all the political correctness, you will be alright. Dont give up on the meetings yet, like I said, check out an NA meeting, you can say ADDICT all you want their.