What now?

[ZJILLIAN]

OK, so here I am at day 17 and I have all this non-stoned time to do what? Life was much more tolerable stoned. I take care of my 99 year old Dad (long story) and being stoned made it possible. So now without drugs I am left HATING HIM (long story) and feeling intensely. The one thing about opiates is that they changed the HATE and ANGER to love.

[Weney3777]

That's weird. I never thought about it, but that's the same way I feel about my husband(not the hate part), but the opiates turning anger to love. I used them to just sit back and say "whatever". When there are things that got me down, I would take one(or a couple) and I would be more easy-going, things would seem more ok. But, really, everything is the same and you just aren't dealing with it. It's just postponing the inevitable, whether for days(or in my case years), and now it's time to face reality.

[shelby001]

i have to agree with bikerdad and theeagle, the drugs helped us escape from things we were feeling and going through in our lives.  i have a very rocky marriage.  it started soon after i was married, and that's when i started using.  now, 7 years later and 54 days clean guess what?.........i still have a rocky marriage and nothing has been delt with in 7 whole years!!!  when i was using i just didn't care, became numb to my situation, didn't deal with anything.  i also thought the pills made me feel more loving but now, after almost two months clean, i see that wasn't true at all.
give yourself some time.  figure out the root of why you are feeling like this towards your father and maybe get some help with those feelings.  believe me i know what it feels like to dislike (i wouldn't say hate) your father, i couldn't stand mine but i was with him in the end, taking him to his chemo, helping him do just about everything and when it was over i was glad i had that time with him.
hang in there, your still healing from the pills, give yourself a break, you will start to feel better!!

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

oh sweetie.. Don't hate your dad..... but then again.. maybe you don;t have any other choice..... I DON'T know.. But.. I DO KNOW that we ONLY get ONE Dad in our life....99 years is a L O N G time to have your Dad around..Try and get PAST the anger part and TRY to re-establish some sort of RELATIONSHIP with him cus WHEN the time comes.. you can look back and say;  "Hey.. I was THERE for my Dad...when he needed me and I NEEDED him"
It get's sooooo complicated at times.... I struggle with loving and hating my parents for ALO T of things but in the END I knew that they were my parents and I have to THANK THEM for what they gave me...LIFE..  
It's SOOOOO tough to do that but in your heart I KNOW you love him....somehow.. and...some.. way....

My heart... love and prayers are with you.

[BIKERDAD1963]

In the end the drugs did the opposite to me. Turned me from a loving and caring person into a person that didnt care about anything. I think maybe that is really what happened with you. The pills just made it so you didnt care and made you to not think about much anymore. Now without the pills you are starting to think about stuff that you havent thought about for a long time. We took the pills for a reason. When we stop taking the pills those reasons are still with us.
   The way I dealt with the bordome part is by planning my day in advance. That way everyday i no what I have to do and were I need to go. It is easier than just getting out of bed in the morning and saying to myself "what should i do today". Also I did a lot of writing in my journal. It helps pass the time and gets a lot of my chest. When you are feeling better the journals are fun to read. Lets you really no what you have been thru and how far you have come.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Sounds like you should commit those long story's to paper at least........post them only if you wish.  But you may have been using the narc's as an antidepressant to  cover up some deep resentment and hate conflict.  The narc's never changed anything......you probably perceived things differently under the influence of the narc's................and all sorts of emotional content surfaces when you been clean a couple of weeks.  You will come to terms with this and you will learn to handle it as unstoned people do all the time......with emotions and intellect.........

[Connell]

I couldn't agree more. Don't worry though, it will get better with every passing day. The biggest challenge for me was the boredom. Being sober makes the days go by slower, so I had to find more things to fill my day. You WILL start to become the old you again, slowly but surely. Just be patient. You made it this far, keep up the good work.