If I Do the Right Thing...

[loveandlight05]

First, I am going to a meeting tonight!!! I text one of the ladies that gave me their number last night, and I really want to ask her to be my sponsor tonight, but for some reason that makes me feel anxious. I have always been one of those people who hates to cry in front of other. I know if I ask her to be my sponsor, she is going to see me cry many times, and it is hard for me to break down that wall and just ask.

I keep thinking if I keep doing the right things, I will be OK. I am in recovery. I am not using. I am seeking help. I hope that all of these things will matter. My focus is what is best for my children. If I keep moving forward with these things in mind, I hope I will be OK.

I have never trusted anyone else. I wonder if that is an addict thing. I have never been able to hand someone a piece of my life and trust that they will help me and do what is right for me. In the past, if I have ever asked anyone for help, it always came with a detailed description of what I needed them to do. I wanted to make sure they didn't mess up my plans or my life. Now, I am in a situation where I have to trust my attorney, but even more importantly, I have to trust God. I have to give my life to God and have faith that he will help me and lead me down the right path. That is such a hard thing to do. My only hope is that by working the steps, I will come to understand that giving myself and my life to God is what I need to do. I want to learn how to have faith that everything will be OK.

I feel some inner peace today. Sure, my husband is out with his friend riding the four wheeler that I own. He has left yet again to choose his friends over our family. Today was supposed to be about letting the babies play with their gifts from their party yesterday. OK, so he left. But I know I get to go to a meeting at 7:30 tonight, so I have something to look forward to. I can get the babies' gifts out and let them play.

I am starting to look at it like I am a single parent. My husband watches them for about four hours a day when I am at work, and that is really all he ever does. I clean and cook and take care of our children pretty much by myself every day. I tuck them in. I feed them. I kiss and love them. I am their person, and they are my persons. I pray that the judge who oversees my case takes that into account. I am really all they have, and although I am flawed, I am clean and sober. I am a good mother. I was never a bad mother. I was just a sick mother. Now I am a mother in recovery. Do you think that will matter?

[NeverAgain127]

Yes, honey I think it ABSOLUTELY matters.

I feel so badly for you..you're struggling and I can feel it right through the words you type.   You can't control the future, or what others may do.   But you can control what YOU do.  

And I think you are doing everything a human being could possibly do.   Know that and have compassion for YOU.  You're a good person trying the hardest she can.   And whatever comes will come.   You will survive it, and move through it, because that is what we do....we move on.  We move. on.

Good luck with asking for your sponsor tonight.   Let us know how it goes.  Hold your head high...with dignity and grace.  

You're gonna be alright kiddo....you're a strong lady who is in the middle of a bad storm in her life.  And you're holding your course VERY well.  

As for your husband, I think your attitude is exactly right.  Just let him be for now.  The most important thing is YOU.  

I'll be praying for you tonight.   Godspeed...

[dominosarah]

Doing it your way got you here.  It is very hard to surrender and let go but you have 2 options, either continue with this nightmare by yourself or reach out.  We have all been there and we know hard it is but trust me on this one, once you reach out and start talking you will feel so much better.  Being in our head is our own worst enemy.  So what if you cry, crying is healing.  I still cry.  That doesnt make us weak, that makes us human.  Will all this matter?  Yes it will, but you have to do this for you.

[NeverAgain127]

Great post, dominosarah!

[loveandlight05]

I reached out to some friends this weekend. They came to the babies' birthday, and they stayed and hung out with us last night. I don't want to put their real names here, so we will call them Bob and Suzy. I talked to Suzy about my situation. She was arrested about five years ago because she was caught with heroin. The court gave her several chances before they decided to put her in jail. She said she just couldn't get clean. She and Bob said that it speaks volumes that I immediately sought help and am clean.

They said that a lot of people are not clean when they stand in front of a judge. I don't know why, but I just assumed that everyone went to rehab immediately after being arrested. I never thought anyone kept using after being arrested for a drug related offense. It made me feel better knowing that because I feel like I have done something that not everyone does. It made me think that my fast reaction to get into rehab and stop the drug seeking behavior will mean something in the end.

I told her how I felt about not knowing that there was help for me. She told me to say all of this to my lawyer because he is here to help me. They both thought I would be OK because I am a first time (and only time, trust me) offender.

[loveandlight05]

Several people on this forum have suggested I make a list and have the chair person sign off on it when I go to meetings. That seems like a good idea, but I am scared that the chair person of my meetings will think that is the only reason I am there. I really want to be there, but I also must think about what is best for my court case. Do you think it would be awful if I asked the chair person to sign their first name stating that I was at the meeting?

[motye51]

Dont worry about what the chair thinks...i chair 2 mtgs a week and i always sign papers! If your in a meeting, it doesnt matter what other people think, but u know why your there.
I think the statement goes, "just keep doing the next right thing...." and u will win this!

[dominosarah]

We have a few chairpersons who do that.  Just tell them what you told us that you want to be here and what is going on.  Now pour your heart and soul into your recovery~

[loveandlight05]

It's so weird to me that I feel like this. I want so badly to work on my recovery 24/7. That is my happy place. My rehab and the meetings are my happy place. I don't understand why, but they are. You would think my happy place would be relaxing at home, but I am constantly wanting to find more places to work on recovery Is that weird?

[lulu747]

Honey I am happy to log on and read this status.  It sounds more and more like you are getting to both the place of surrender and acceptance, which go hand in hand.  You deserve support, you deserve unconditional love, and you deserve to be the wonderful mother that you are.
Listen, you made a mistake.  But you are taking full responsibility for your mistake and are doing everything in your power to get well and move forward and that takes COURAGE.  I really think you are right to let your husband be ATM.  I have to say, I feel a great deal of outrage when I read about how he has responded to this whole thing, but that is my own feeling which is not relevant.  The fact remains that he is on his own journey with this thing, and only time will tell whether you two have a future together or not.
My feeling is that the further you walk down the road to recovery, the more strength and clarity you will have.  You will know what to do.
I think the hardest thing for us addicts is relinquishing control.  Realizing we cannot control others, their thoughts/feelings/behaviour.

This is your journey and your healing time and I think you are doing a wonderful job.  Please take some pride in that okay?

Also, I am not a God person, but I do believe in a Higher Power.  And I also believe that when we act in our best interests, that this higher power does everything it can to support us.  Humbling ourselves and asking for help, and then being open to receive it is the most empowering thing we can do.  And it is this that leads to true healing.
Leap and the net will appear-
Proud of you...
Lu

[loveandlight05]

Surrender is a strange word for me. When I hear surrender, I have this immediate sense of panic. I instantly feel that it means imminent doom. When I read that just now, I thought I can't surrender to going to jail. I feel like surrender and acceptance mean surrendering to going to jail and accept that I am going to jail. I want to work past that emotion. I am assuming this is something that going to meetings will help with.


I know you are not saying"Yup, you're screwed. Time to let it sink in that you are going to prison the rest of your life." Logically I know that. I just don't know how to stop having the initial reaction to surrender and acceptance.

[motye51]

I found surrender has been followed by growth, peace, and understanding, of myself. At 43, ive learned more about myself in these last 9 months than in 43 years. Some good some not too hot...but no ones perfect! Trust in your higher power and jump in with both feet....no hesitating. Surrender so far, for me, has not been giving up...its been enpowering!

[lulu747]

I definitely did not mean surrender and go to jail!  I honestly, to my core, believe that you are NOT going to jail.  You will have consequences yes, but probably court mandated rehab which would be great!  Maybe probation and community service.  You are not a threat to society, or to yourself.  You have a steady job and a young family and no prior record.  You are in recovery.  It makes no sense for a judge to sentence you to prison.

What I mean about surrender is this:
Realizing you have no control over your addiction and that you need help and support in order to heal.  Letting go of worry and hypotheticals and surrendering to the process of recovery.  Accepting that you are an addict and that this will be a lifelong journey and you will walk the path no matter what.
As Motye stated above-
I have learned more about myself from surrendering and having faith that I will be supported, than from any other experience in my life.  The worrying and needing to control does terrible things to our psyche's and our spirit's.  My fave line is
Leap and the net will appear.
Bless-
Lu

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I understand so much what you mean about control.  I learned it from my own mama.  I've spent my whole life trying to curb that trait....although my hubby is a love and is totally okay with me controlling the atmosphere of our home.  It is so hard to surrender control....maybe one of the hardest things in the world.  I also do not trust easily AT all.  My hubby says that is why I don't have many people friends but tons of babies and animal friends.  Well, animals love without restriction and so do babies...many people, in my viewpoint, do way too much judging for my taste.  So I understand how you feel.

I think you will find a happy medium like I did....it took me some time, and I still fail at times, but I'm slowly learning to open up more with people in person and to not judge these people myself for when I fail to trust I'm judging them without giving them a chance.  Sigh I'm too old to learn all this stuff lol

You are doing so awesome....you truly are...I'm seeing a strength in you that was missing previously and you've found your voice.  You will succeed at this and I agree with Lulu...I do not believe you will go to jail.  How could a judge fail not to see how much you are doing to change yourself and your life?  Only a fool could miss that.

Much Love

[vicki595]

Good for you!  You're on track...

You know, it's a good plan to just behave as though you live alone as a single parent. It takes the frustration away from expecting something and getting nothing...It's like you have a babysitter 4 hours a day and he's doing you a big  old favor by being there!  

Wouldn't it be a riot if you changed the locks while he was out one of these times?  lol

Even a bigger riot if you put that four wheeler on Craig's List and sold it!!

You're a good mama, it's so obvious. And you're not going to jail. That's why you have a lawyer. He knows what to do...and what to say. Let him earn his money and you just take care of YOU!  You're great!

[loveandlight05]

Thank you for your kind words. I do know what you mean, but I find it strange that my addict brain has that reaction to those words. When I was using, I would sometimes convince my husband to go to the urgent care doctor who prescribed most of the meds I was on. I would list in detail exactly what I wanted him to do and say. I would call his phone over and over asking if he was doing it right. I wanted to make sure I had those pills. That is such disgusting behavior, I know. But that is what I did. I tried to control everyone around me in order to get more pills. If I couldn't get them from a doctor, I would go to my mother. I would ask her and ask her until she gave me an oxy. I wanted to control her, too. I wanted to make sure I had her pills at my disposal. It is all very sick. I see that now, but I know I have to let go. I looked up surrender in the context of AA just a minute ago and read what the big book says. It made so much sense. I liked the part that said I have to understand that I am powerless over drugs because when things get rough, I might make a choice to use. But if I hand this over to God, he will not let me use because he is in charge.

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

Hun,

I read your words and hurt for you so much.  Your husband would go to urgent care and get drugs for you and he won't support you when he was enabling you?  Your mother also enabled you?  Yes, you asked for them to do these things but they could have said no.  OMG this just kills me...for you...for you.
  I wish they would go to Al-Anon and learn how much what they did hurt you but I suspect they won't.  I also suspect that a lot of their anger may be at themselves but they are taking it out on you.  That is the only thing that makes sense to me or maybe I'm just flailing out on a limb.
  I wish I could give you a good hug, I wish I lived close to you because I would watch your babies like they were my own so you could go get the help you so desperately want and I also wish I was there so you had someone to stand beside you, hold your hand and tell you what an incredible woman you are!!!!

[lulu747]

I'm with PK.  If I were there I would happily watch your babies (and probably give your husband a stern talking to!!  I've been told I can be terrifying (: )  And give you a big hug.  Please in your surrender- try to let go of the shame.  It will only bring you down, prevent healing, and make you want to use.  You are a sick woman who is doing everything in her power to get well.  You will find people who will understand and support you.
Until then I want you to do me a favour, okay?
You owe your husband and your mother NOTHING.  You don't need to prove that you are worthy of love, you ARE worthy of love.  You just hold your head high and keep on walking this path of recovery.  The chips will fall where they may.  Sadly, you cannot do anything to change how they think and feel- that is their sh*t and not yours.  Al-anon would be great for them, but perhaps they have their own addictions and demons that make your recovery feel like a threat to them.  In any case, you only have control over your own choices and actions.  Act from a place of love for yourself, and not fear, and everything will work out.
My grandmother always used to say to me
"Everything will work out in the end.  If it's not alright, then it's not the end."
Also
"This too shall pass".
I hope you are at your meeting right now being lifted up by love.
Keep us posted.
Lu

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

And I'm with Lu 100% in what she said.....Lu is the woman who holds my glue together for me in here....smart, kind, wise and always there for someone who needs her.....