When will he be ready?

[Somewhereovertherainbow]

My husband and I are seperated nearly three months and he is now living over 200 miles away. at first he denied he was an addict and that was the reason our marriage broke down. Now he takes responsibility claiming he is indeed an addict and needs treatment in a rehab centre. He is currently living with his parents while I am raising our three young children with virtually no support from him financial or otherwise and our house is in firm danger of repossession. I have asked him to return home because our children need him and I will support him throught whatever treatment here. He says he is not ready and needs to work on his issues away from us and build up his confidence etc again, basically find himself and when he has however long it takes, he wants to rebuild our relationship, however understands if I need to move on.  His mother has compared him being away from the children with men working away in Iraq or on oil rigs who don't see kids for 6months to 2 years but I find this justification weak and am sure kids know the difference. He is currently working in a bar and waiting an assessment to look into further treatment. His doc is Ultram and other painkillers as well as uppers/downers such as diazipam, xanax etc,. I have concerns about him working in a bar and living with his mother who too uses alot of meds. I feel the environment he is in is a) so far away I don't know what he is up to? and b) surrounded with temptation and a more tolerant attitude towards med misuse. My 4 year old son is starting school next Monday and his Dad can't make it. My family think he is taking advantage and using me because I am not giving him grief over maintanence and making his life easy. He says he loves me and has cried during his last visit but there have been so many lies I don't know what to think or believe. He says he is determined to beat this but can't give any guarantees as he has been addicted for ten years. I can't understand this because my children are more important to me than anything and when it comes to meds that have hurt them and me greatly if I were in his shoes I think I would move heaven and earth to stop the pain and the risk of permanently damaging my childrens self esteem and quality of life. However I am not an addict and cannot understand the hold it has and I am on an emotional rollercoaster of love, anger, sadness and frustration trying to make sense of it. Can anyone please tell me what he means when he says he is not ready?

[ali3674]

THis is terrible and my heart goes out to you. There is no reason you and your kids should have to go through this.  From my perspective it sounds like he is not ready to quit drugs, he moved in with his mother and works in an environment that is probably not the best for him...he abandoned his family, so that he could have an easier time for himself.  You are probably better off right now, and you should definitely think about yourself and your kids first.  YOu sound like a strong woman, and you shouldnt have to tolerate this situation. Sounds like his mother is making excuses for her son.  Leaving his family to stay with her because he is an addict is certainly not the same as fighting in Iraq.  Thats kind of a crappy thing to say, comparing the 2 situations.....People in Iraq are fighting for our freedom......... give me a break!

[landbray]

One more thing I forgot, if he isn't willing to take the kids on a regular basis so that you aren't tied to their hips for 24/7. then you need to go for custody of your children so he can' t take them. Right now he can. Also set visititsion, (sorry spelling) then he has to follow court orders. The more you can get worked out the better. If not, well, then let a judge decide.You need to protect yourself & kids.
paaddict

[landbray]

Hi,
I am addict. I have been on suboxine since June. It's used to make you stop using opiates. and from having withdrawls. For me it is working great.
I cried when I read your post b/c I can feel how much pain you are in. I am truly sorry that you have to go through this. If he has been using for  the past10 yrs then the last 10 yrs cound't have been that great for you or your kids. I really urge you to find an Alanon meeting. It is for people that don't drink/use but their spouse, child does. It came from AA. But I think if you could find a meeting or someone you can confide in that can have an outside opinion about everything. I think that if your husband doesnt straighten up soon he probably won't for a long time.You can't stop your life & that of your kids for him/ an addict. I wouldn't make big decisions whien your so upset. Start, well you have been,, living like a single mom. If he comes back I'd continue to live like that espeically if he isn't clean. I also think you need to go to support court & file child support. He has to give financially. there is  no way around it. You should get out with your kids & make new friends with them. Occupy yourself with them b/c unlike your husband you are a good mother/parent and now you have to play dad also. not fair to you.. Yes addicts do pick their DOC over their kids. You will never be first to him or the kids as long  as he uses. I also think (sorry) it's a bunch if poppycock that he can't be there for your son. That is being childish, selfish. He wants all the attention on him & if it isn't gonna be then why go? You need to let your son know you will always be there b/c he already knows he can't rely on dad. As far as him crying..!!! oh boo hoo.. let him cry but don't fall for it. You will always feel like you do now if he comes back using.You don't want to spend the rest of your life like this, do you??
I think you should focus on you , the kids, activies, then maybe dad if he's straight. If he is living at home with his parents there is no reason why he can't pay you. PLEASE go to support court!! Also can't he watch the kids After all his mom probably takes care of the kids more then him. You will need a break. Look into the meetings, you'll be surprised how good they can make you feel. You'll see you are not alone.
I hope I didn't " I should " you to much, sorry if I did or offened you in any way. It just burns me when I read a post like yours. Don't let his drug problem become yours. and don't believe a word he says until he's clean. and oh yeah, go to support court, (and wic)
good luck to you honestly, you don't have to be in such pain & confusion, keep posting
paaddict

[baby1107]

sweetie, i think u already know what i suspect. i beleive what he means is exactly what you fear, that he is now in an environment that doesnt pressure him enough to stop,doesnt hod him accountable for what he is doing to you and your children and worst of all, he is in a place where drugs are available. that is the last thing he needs. we all know that. he knows that.i hope i am wrong but it seems he is rationalizing and side stepping the cure by just increasing his options for a life that include drugs.he now has his drugs and you. you know there is not much reason to leave that easy situation to face the horrible truth that he has to decide and do it for himself, by himself,and the sooner, the better. i am one to talk, huh? as i said, i hope i am wrong. think about your babies and realize as i have that you are addicted to him as he is to the drug. i realized that about myself a great while back.they are our drug. we need rehab as badly as they do. very sincere best wishes.

[Micky108]

Addicts are very good at manipulating those they love (trust me I am a pro....sad to say)  You have to take care of yourself and your kids first.  Starting slowly by saying that he needs to provide finallicaly support for the kids if he's not going to be there for him.  If you make it to easy he will just take advantage.  ANd if he doesn't want to come home then you shouldn't want him there...the kids will feel the tension.  Good luck and hold on...you can do it for your kids!  

[avisg]

hey
I am so sorry you are still going threw this .Has anything changed since the last time we talked ? It seem to be about the same .It does not sound like he is going to stop has he gone to any meetings what has he done to get clean and to help repair your marriage.

Action speak louder then words what actions has he shown you ? you seem like a wonderful lady you deserve to be happy I know it hard doing it on your own but you are doing it . You can do it .. anytime you need to talk I am still here :)