Why do you come here?

[dreamin]

I started coming here a about three weeks ago, because I wanted to get help while I went through w/d.  I wanted to discuss openly my issues and not be afraid of censure or judging.  I found that here and it has been my strenth.  Thank all of you

Sheila

[Chezz]

8yrs. She has never tried anything(drugs). Drinks 2x a year. She just grew up in a bad family. All on drugs, welfare, ect. She never "learned" physical affection at all. It is non existant in her whole family. They say I love you by hitting you in the head, or I don't know. They are ****** up.
I grew up in a very different environment obviously. Opposites attract!?!?!?!?\
Thanks though,
Chezz

[groovygirl]

i was just wondering if your wife used too...drugs defintely impact your need for many things...including sex & any kind of intimacy.  i really feel bad for your situation...i don't know how you could continue to live/love someone who doesn't reciprocate.  how long have you been married?  it sounds like you really need to address that problem soon.  i wish i could offer you words of advice, but i can't think of what i would do in your situation.  i guess i would demand counseling or something...you can't go on in a one-way relationship forever....good luck:)

[Moxy-oxy]

Just read that you were going to CT this weekend. I spent alot of time there growing up, when New York City became too hectic I would always head for the serenity of Connecticut. You are truly lucky to be going there, living in LA I miss the beauty of the Northeast. Something about the country always calms me and reminds me that there is plenty of beauty in our world, and now, without drugs, you can appreciate what has been given to you and all you have to do to reap the rewards is walk outside...

[deva]

i just read something on your post about people digging for drug info and have to say i agree with you both.ive been gone today and havnt had much time to read or find the original post but,ive actually found myself thinking about that after reading some peoples questions and seems so obvious that they are seeking a better high.thankyou for bringing it up,because i think it would be easy for new people to get confused reading that stuff.if we all stick together and help each other get clean well all succeed,but supporting someones weakness is not the point here and is without integrity.thanks again friends,love deva

[DIRTBAG]

THANK YOU FOR RESPONDING TO MY POST. IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK ON LINE TODAY.  I'M VERY BUSY AT WORK, ITS DISPATCH TIME FOR ME.  I HAVE READ YOUR POSTS ABOUT THE MANY THINGS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE, WITH YOU AND YOUR ADDICTION AND I LOVE THAT YOU ARE SO HONEST WITH US.  I THINK YOU SHOULD POST A QUESTION THIS WEEKEND ABOUT ADDICTION AND MARRIAGE AND WE CAN DO SOME SPOUSE BASHING TOGETHER.  IT MIGHT BE FUN AND IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL.  I KNOW IN MY CASE BEING A SECRET ADDICT AND ALL THAT NEVER BEING ABLE TO SHARE MY PROBLEMS WITH MY HUSBAND HAS BROUGHT ME A TON OF ANGER AND RESENTMENT TOWARDS HIM.  HE NEVER EVEN KNOWS WHEN I'M HIGH, WHAT A DOPE!!! NO PUN INTENDED PEACE

[hippy]

you are always right, when people start talking about
how to get high or asking about a certian pill and what it is ,
they are just trying to get high and find out how to do it and what they got to do it with, i have been taught that that is
relapse, and this fourm is not about that this fourm is about hope, and getting better , not getting worse.
it's a bad example  for anybody to feed into that type of negitivity.
so my hat is of to you . in the past 6 months you have always let
peolpe know that it is wrong, all you do tell the truth ,
and i know some people don't want to hear it , to bad.
the truth is the truth.
this fourm is a place  for people to come here and find out how to get better. that is just the simple truth.
so stick to your guns, you have a lot of principles , and
you care.

peace michael

[Chezz]

I was born and raised in S. California. My high school was like 90210, except we didn't have valet parking! LOL
I personally rode a mountain bike throughout my high school years, along with a couple buddies. Most of my other friends had Toyota 4-Runners sitting in their drive-way on their 16th B-Day.
Funny thing is, as successful as I have or have not been, I probably couldn't afford to buy a house in my own home town. When I moved into my neighborhood we paid around 250-300k. Now all that will get you is a two bedroom in the bad part of town!!!
Its about an hour south of LAX/Hollywood. Now I live 3 hours north of there.
Gotta have lunch the wife is home.
Chezz

[onestep]

Thanks...I know I've said this before but I'll say it again. Although my road has been a bit bumpy...well more like Highway 1 in Veit Nam really....what we all need to see is it doesn't really matter...what does matter is the commonality we all share. This strange co-existance of not being or feeling happy without something that we " think " makes us happy...only to despise that very thing....!! That's why it's a sickness...I firmly believe that genetics play a big part in whether we are pesimistic or optimistic...and there are studies that lean that way. Then those of us that are predisposed toward the negitive try to induce by other means happiness...this can take many forms, but once we start down the chemical road it tends to really be an up hill battle. One of the major obstacles ( sorry for the spelling sometimes ) is in our scociety we tend to take things to feel better...asprin...no-doze....Nyquil to sleep...and alcohol so easy and no real introduction, by that I mean at a younger age...wine with meals...the relationship we have with it. Although those in Europe are are raving drunks as well so that argument is thin in places.

I'm rambling here so i apologize...I guess what I'm saying is...posting here helps me as well...I'm glad if what I say or sharing my personal struggle and life experiences helps you in some way. We all have it better than others....I see those with more severe disabilities than mine and can't understand why I feel so depressed or ungratefull....**** man, if I was paralyzed belive me I would learn how to use one of the " sip & puff " wheelchairs that's controled by the mouthpiece...then drive my ass into the path of an oncoming bus....you can bet your ass on that.   Can you imagine being helpless from the neck down and asking for a beer or pain pill, only to be told it's not good for you...No I won't get you one...you don't need it !! Yes our problems seem pretty big when we have them and they are....but....

I'll leave it at that for now....

[Moxy-oxy]

That is pretty funny...where in Cali? Are you close to Hollywood hell? Hollywood is a place where they call you up, tell you that you've won the lottery when you don't expect it, and just when you start to think you have the money, need the money, they tell you that you are really only one of ten winners, and their not sure if they can even give the prize out to someone under 25...and that they are not sure you've even won at all, but hey, stay in touch!! Chezz, how do you like California? Coming from NYC, it really takes a lot of getting used to. But then again, I live in LA.

[Chezz]

I am going Cold Turkey this weekend. Not to Conn.

That was sooooooo funny. Thanks for the laugh.

I will be doing it here right in Central Cali. I wish I was doing it from S. Cal at my sisters house and were I grew up. I would get more support from her than I would my wife.

Thanks again Moxy. ;0
Chezz

[dreamin]

you were right I am here...I am pretty sick with a cold and cough..etc..I just came in to work to finish up a report, and then I am going home for the rest of the day..I will check in tomorrow and hang out with you so you have a shoulder while you start w/d..

so I am here for you spiritually right now, but physically tomorrow.

it will be ok...everything will be ok..

sheila

[pregnant]

Hi
thanks for responding. It's nice when someone  cares.
Deva - I'm 9 weeks along, and started to taper codeine before I even knew I was pregnant. So I just continued to go all the way.I see from your recommendation that I haven't been taking enough calcium/mag., just 600or 1200 mg a day. And i didn't know to take vit c for better absorption. thanks! You must experience alot as a doula (sp?)! EVer seen a 4th degree tear?

Chezz- Yeh, my legs still bug me alot. The addiction doc said I am in a small percentage of people that will have long withdrawls because of some reaction coceine had on my body. He took a blood test and revealed hyperthyroidism too which also causes insomnia and restless legs! So I feel I can't get away from it because they can't treat it until i'm through with pregnancy. (and i have a long way to go)Chez, I've been thinking so much about you today (and the unkissing wife situation). I just can't get it off my mind. How old are you now, mid twenties?Any kids? It seems like a sort of control and even abuse. I know tha'ts a harsh thing to say. I talked to my husband about it. He is an extremely sensitive male too. He really felt for you. Keep writing about it if you like, it is theraputic. And we wont' take it as you needing sympathy. Even though you do need our support and encouragemt and prayers.

Onestep-I'm glad you have encouraged me not to go back on codeine to stop the legs. I haven't tried the recipe because I was told not to take it while pregnant. However I would lkie to check out that L-tyrosine fro depressiion, which I think i am fallling in to. I've heard that helps. You are an inspiration to us all and keeps me in the right perspective.
Karen

[Chezz]

Shiela,

I've missed you Girl. Where have you been?

I know you are out there!!! ;)
Chezz

I'll be going CT this weekend. I hope your around when I need this inspiration. If not, I can always read your old posts.

You always seem to make me smile.......

[Chezz]

You give me inspiration everyday. It gives me this feeling inside that I can't describe when I read some of your posts, and then I think about the road that has been travelled by you.

You give us all something to think about. Personally my problems are pathetic to the challenges you have faced.

I love to read your posts, it gives hope to the hopeless. You not only talk a good game, you have already won.
Keep posting and bring us back to reality....things could be worse.
Chezz

[onestep]

The taking of Calcium is the best thing really....also take a nice long walk earlier in the evening...I know that the mind plays real tricks and tries to get you to use again...it's that little F$#@#@^ inside saying " take me and your legs will stop " well BS....belive me when I tell you I know what I'm talking about...I'm a amputee and I still feel my foot and knee at times..I'm cut off really high and can't wear a leg....anyway sometimes I even get an itch i can't scratch....drives me nuts.

It WILL go away...trust me.

[deva]

hi sweetness,this is what i call my lovly friends at home.i could hardly read through all the rest of the posts after the one about your wife,so i hope im not repeating anyone,forgive if i do.there is a comraderie amoungst addicts,i believe,and also sensitivity.and a major amount of addicts who actually go deep in their conciousness,and heart will experience an aloofness a separation that is so fundemental,that when we experience our spouse,our partner,our divine partner..lover,abandoning our needs,our hearts..dreams desires,we ultimatly feel totally cheated and swindled.that nothin will ever be balanced.it hurt me to read those things about your wife.she,being the love of your life,your intimate partner in seeking lifes true values and joys,experiencing the highs and the lows,she is the one that you are apparently having to protect your heart from at the present moment.please excuse for intruding or stepping in,but i cant stand hearing those things(abuse or not,in her past)she made a promise to love you and support you..to be your lover to be your best friend..your twin flame.so how can a woman say that she loves you when you open up a vulnerable place in you,about you..and she walks all over you,shuts you down without another thought?or to threaten you that her fire is bigger than yours if you challenge her position by simply expressing a conflict or having a disagreement?i would have a hard time getting clean in an environment like that.why would i want to feel more pain?i mean to support you here,not give excuses to use,but also it may be time to look at the circumstances that help fuel your addictions????i can only tell you that my husband had a very hard time getting off pot,and one night he came home totally lit up,and i knew it immediatly,his eyes were blazed and his personality was such that he was acting his stoned self(and it had gotten hard for me by then,he would ignore me when he smoked,and it hurt my feelings)but he was trying to quit to no avail,and what happened is some weird reaction and he started to feel totally out of touch with his body and got fidgety and uncomfortable.well,he went in our bedroom and was on the bed upset,and i asked what was wrong,and he said he felt like a failure and started to cry a very deep "soul"cry.and i had realized at that moment that our night was not going to be that much fun,that we were going to be processing some deep emotions,and working,and it was my birthday,the babysitter was upstairs,and i could have said a million things while he was down to make him feel even worse or point prove or let him know i was disapointed that his habit was ruing my special night ,but i didnt...i just held him and took the opportunity to make that intimacy,his needs and vulnerabilities a part of my special night,my birthday present was being able to be the woman my husband needed,his friend.  food for thought.maybe youll need to remind your woman to be your loving friend ,at times like these we need our lovers to love!!!! i hope that wasnt to much;)love deva

[Chezz]

Thanks for the kind comments. I am not looking for empathy, which I am sure you are aware.
There are just times in our life that we have to be "real". For me, my time has come.
I am trying to look at my life and what I am going through now, to learn from myself.

To feel something inside is one thing. To write what you feel, then to read it objectionally, gives me perspective.

That is what I need right now.

I have spent so many years rationalizing my personal life that I have "lost" myself.
I always try and see the positive. That is what I am doing here. I want to see my life written. So I can read it, and see where I am doing right, and wrong.

Life is a journey, personal discovery lasts a lifetime.
Chezz

[Chezz]

Pregnant, I can't believe you are still having to deal with the restless leg. It would drive me through the roof. Have you tried taking the "recipe". It would be nice to know what actually causes it, so we could STOP it. At least you are still clean. I hope it eases as the days pass.
DB - I am glad to hear that you are doing better. You are right, you sound alot better than you did last week. I hope this weekend isn't hard and goes smooth for you.
Good luck,
Chezz

[Chezz]

Thanks Deva. No it wasn't too much to wake up to. I just was having one of those days yesterday. Something triggered it inside of me and I just had to let it out. There is alot more from where that came from. But this isn't the "marriage" forum. I was just relaying how I felt, and how it corrolated to my use.

You are right in that I am the only one that knows my family situation.

I got married at 19. Which is way too young, I see that now.

My parents got divorced about 6 yrs ago. Since then they have been aloof. I haven't talked to either of them more than 2-3 times in that many years. I also haven't talked to my brother for around 10. I have 2 people in my life I consider to be my "immediate" family. That is my younger sister and my aunt. Neither of them can contact my parents much either. Both of them know the "full" story on my marriage. My sister is very protective of me, especially since she knows how sensitive I am, and how much I hide and rationalize what is going on. She has almost drove to come get me a few times(from what my Aunt said).
So, there are alot of reasons I stay. One being afraid of being alone. Due to the dissarray in my family now.

The pain goes deep. I have begged my wife for love and affection. She is just able to completely block out those things. She has never cried, said please and thankyou, said sorry, in eight years. She isn't going to change. And I know I can't get her to give me the love I need.
She also knows I will not leave. I love her too much. I know it is a sad truth. I have read book after book. Brought home many as well. From everything from marriage, to being a better lover, his and hers books. She wouldn't read them. Nor will she talk to me about it. It's hopeless, yet I will still try.

For me a kiss is something so much more intimate than anything else. The feeling inside you get, the passion you both feel together. Just the idea of having that......could heal all my wounds.
Chezz
This is a memoir to myself. A place where I can let this out without being "right" or wrong. This is just something I need to do for myself. I am not perfect, nor am I right. This isn't meant for empathy or anything else. It is for me. Thank you for letting me get this out.

[DIRTBAG]

Hey its Friday and I feel so much better than I did last Friday and all of you really helped me get through this week.  I just have 4 pills left and then I believe I can make it through the rest of the withdrawals, now the true test is my feelings and keeping them in check.  On the bright side I now how all of you to share these personal and unique feelings that only an addict can share with another addict.  You have all been very kind and I hope that today using or not that you read this and know that you have helped me and I am just a stranger with a problem that you owed nothing to.  Now that's what I call Calvary Love Baby. I'll check in Later Peace from the dirt lady

[deva]

lots of calcium at night,thats going to help you sleep better,and help with your legs.how far along are you?im a doula,if you dont know what that is,i am a child birth assistant,and midwives assistant.i like mostly homebirths,but i do both.calcium really helps with cramps and round ligament stretching,also deeper sleep.2000mgs with magnesium and vitamin c for optimal absorbtion.let me know if i can help.deva-

[skipper]

hey:
i come here 'cause i just can't do it alone. anyone remember a song by the hollies from about 1964 or 1965. it was called "look through any window." it pefectly summerizes the way i have alway felt, before the drugs and the needles. i have always had this "hole in my guts" feeling. alway felt like i was on the outside looking in. you know when i think about, i've always felt at odds with everyone and everything....

so when the drugs came into the picture, they probably saved my
life. (wasn't the first time, or the last, a really bad habit saved my ass). see i started using in the 60's. i never bought into the peace and love ****...the 60's were the most self distructive and greedy period i can remember. not just me...everyone-everything. i honestly believe that dope saved my ass. now old jones did come by later to foreclose on a huge unpaid debt (it wasn't about money)...

hey i wish i could find it- a poem by Bertolt Brecht. something about the infantcide of a young single mother. anyhow there was a
refrain that went "oh i beg you, spare your rath and spare your
scorn/ for man needs help from every creature born. not too bad
for an atheist.

so there it is i need everyone of you..'cause i just can't do it
alone anymore...straight or stoned

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[pregnant]

Really lonely here. It's 4:00 am and I up with restless legs still after  22 days clean. I would have never stopped if I knew it would be like this. My OB doctor even suggested I go back to my codeine!!!!!! I dread the nights. there is such terror! When I do sleep my dreams are futile and so busy. I don't know how long it will go on and I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I hate that I stopped.
kk

[Chezz]

Thanks for the positive comments. I figured somebody would say something about me talking about my spouse instead of dealing with my own issues. These problems are something that have been there for as long as we have been married. The med issue has been six months.

I am not perfect in the least bit. I have a long list of issues with myself that I would/will/and am working on. This immediate issue with meds is one. Although it is a necessary evil due to my back.

The reason I brought it up is because I am intimately lonely, yet married. She is the love of my life, yet still so distant. We do everything together, I mean everything. Yet I still feel so alone.

I was thinking about this today and if it had anything to do with my using. I know it does. I fill that void, that "hole" with meds. I don't have the urge or craving for affection while I am on the meds, so it doesn't hurt, as much. I don't miss it when I am high.

I am content to be lonely while I am using.

That is what really hurts.
Thanks for listening.
Chezz