addicted to Tylenol 1's

[scaredOFreality]

I have been addicted to drugs in general since i was 12 i am 21 know and i have had an addiction to tylenol 1's for 2 years(takening them every day) i actually quite about 18 days ago i quite for a week then relapsed about 4 times...i was taking about 20 at a time twice a day and i weight 105 pounds and im 5'6...i cut down to 15 at one time a day know when i relapse i take 10 which is really low for me...i have a 2 year old little boy and all i feel is guilt guilt and for guilt which i should feel anyway...my bf works out of town and he stays in camp for a month at a time...he's found bottles of empty pill bottles on a regular basics but hasent said anything except for " That costs money you know" I was so proud of myself when i had quite for a week before this time and i told him that i have been addicted to them for awhile and he said "a week thats it" then i told him you had to of known i was taking them to much and he said "no" we dont have a very good relationship and he always says that hes gonna take my son away from me so thats why i dont really tell him about my addiction....the only thing keeping me from taking them all the time is my little boy so if i lost him it would either be my rock bottom and i would quite for good or i would just taken them more...i broke my hip when i was sixteen...i "fell" out of a second story building...i dont remember what happened because thats when i was drinking whiskey straight everyday my point is i have pain but i never use the pills for the pain because i can deal with that kind of pain i cant deal with the pain i feel inside...my mom died when i was 16 months old and my dad died when i was about 12 years old from a drug overdose...my moms mom took me in and it was hell...when i was a baby i had togo to a foster home over night because she was drunk in a bar with me(thats when they had places where they served alcohole and children were aloud in) i overdosed on my grandmas sleeping pills when i was 12 and again when i was about 14 and then when i was 15 they admitted me to the "crazy" house i spent a week there...worst week of my life and then the doc said "your not crazy you can go" and of course my grandma made me feel worse she would make it like she was the one suffering because what im doing but in a way that was so cruel...she use to hit me with rulers belts brushes anything she could get her hands on...even a hammer...so i always turned to my aunt because she was "good" to me besides the doing drugs in front of me and having sex in the same bad as me...then when i was older like 15 she turned on me...she strrted abusing me and nothing like my granma did...my aunt hit me and kicked me till i was bleeding...she told all my friends lies about me so they stopped talking to me she would feed me crack percacet tylenol 1's morphine pills sleeping pills crystal meth...and then she would insault me and put me down and hit me....my boyfriends mom things i have so many problems which i do but the way she see's it is if you wanna change your life your the only one that can do it so pretty much im pathetic...which i am but i try so hard not to seem that way because i dont want to be a victom...anyway i dont talk to anyone but my granma and a family friend...i dont have any friends...i isolated my self for 5 years and i always think people are starring at me when i go out...i think everyone hates me...i went to the doc one time for my sonand she looked at me and said you need a break so it's like i look messed up and i look pathetic...people can see it so i dont want to go out but i have to because i have alittle boy..thats probley why i take the pills because i have nothing to do besides clean clean and take care of my son...im 21 and i feel like im 60 years old...i feel my self yelling at my son more which kills me....it really really really does i hate mty self for that i hate my self for not working and i hate that my son doesnt have any little friends because i dont....if i didtn have him i would have killed my self...saying all this im breaking down right now and i want pills people just have no idea how strong i am for not REALLY going crazy....im alone way to much...the way i act is the person that i am inside i feel like running down the street screaming sometimes(not really) i wanna break out...i wanna get better and feel better about things but its like im just different from everyone and everyone see's it...my boyfriend even strrted saying i was hearing things and saying im crazy....i try so hard to be a good mother and for so long i just kept telling people i am a good mother even though they would say that im not...my mother in law critisizes everything i do she even called child protective services on me(she didnt admit it but know one else would of) because i moved out of her place...i asked her after i got the visit from them if she called and she said no then i said do you think im a good mother she said well i dont know because your not here(before she used to tell me that she was proud of me because i was a good mother....so one day i just said ******* im tired of defending my self IM A ****** MOTHER and i am i use to believe that i was a good mother but im not and thats whats tearing me up inside...i NEVER want my son to ever feel alone or lost or depressed i would die if he felt that way...because i know i could have did something different alot different...i cant even tell u how bad i would feel if i messed him up and i know that if i dont get help he will be messed up...my grandma was depressed all the time and i felt it growing up so i need to stop this cycle...so thats some of my life and those are reasons why I take the pills...i have such a strong craving for them esspeccially right now.....im just so scared i really am....does anyone have any answers or encourging advice or just to talk with me please (sorry for such along story)

[raventwo]

I SECOND THAT!! That is ABSOLUTELY PERFECT! And no it doesn't sound corny, yes you have to get down on there level, and explain the best way they can understand. Scared, you can do this, and beenthere is soooo right, when she says, no way have you failed because look how upset you are over yelling at the little man!! YOU HAVE HEART!!! AND THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! HEART!!! and when you got heart, well- that's all we need to know! AND we all knew you had heart by your post! So, I already knew the answer to the "do you abuse him" question, I know you don't, You love him! Your yelling because your protecting him, & yes you are also on the edge, but your reaching out, and that's #1!! Trust me honey, you will find the support here! I promise! I didn't believe it either, I was on here for my husband's problems, and the second i posted, just thought I would see, because I had been lurking around the forum first, and knew the people here had such compassion for others, that I couldn't go wrong, and sure enough without fail, BOOM- their they were! All willing to help, and all with open arms! And if i can help anybody in the slightest, I know I can't go wrong either!! So, here we are, with open arms, telling you we're here for you, you are loved, you are worthy, you are a great mother, and YOU WILL CONQUER THIS!!! Keep your chin up! We are here for you!

[johnnykelly]

IM Sorry ,you are i dire need of (INPATIENT) rehabilitation help,and please dont use,the i have a child excuse.The way that you are abusing yourself eventually that poor child will be forcibly be rewmoved.At this time if you truly face your demons,the law will be on your side,as the best place for a child is with its mother.But if you continue the three places that you will call home will be Jails, institutions and the last step will be Your Death.What a wasted life and a child to grow up without any guidance and love,possibly to follow in your pathetic footstsps.I want you to make some calls in the morning and try to get yourself some help.People admire people that look for help and people who dont,well they get what they refused to put in. Go get some help,as you are terminally ill

[beenthere125]

Okay...look...it hurts me to even hear you say you've failed as a mother. You haven't!! How do I know? Because you feel soo guilty over yelling at him! Yes...he's only two...but remember girl...no one is perfect and you've led one of the most tragic lives. The good news for you...is if you set yourself straight now...he'll never remember you getting upset for the little things...he'll remember all the effort you put into trying to be the best mother you can be now. If you weren't a good mother you wouldn't be feeling guilty over all of this.

Best advice for controling your anger: Everytime you get upset...stop...count to 10 outloud or in your head. Ask yourself what your angry about and then crouch down to his level and explain to him in a calm voice why you're upset. I know it may sound corny...but try it...I gaurantee it will work!!

Hope you're doing okay!! And raventwo...that was a beautiful message!

Melanie

[scaredOFreality]

No now that i have read what you said no i dont abuse him...i dont beat him...sometimes when i do give him a spank he trys to sit down really quickly  so a couple times i missed and spanked his back which of course i would feel guilty because it would hurt him because as we know the diapers are cushioned so i spank him harder on the diaper then i would on the hand...but not to the point were he's being abused...in the beginning i wouldnt even spank him but i realized that you gotta do what you gotta do to get them to understand that whatever they did to get the spank or slap on the hand is not tolerated so No i dont abuse him but i know that i need to cut the yelling out in some cases because in sertain situations it wasent called for...thanks again for the advise and you helped me once again thank god for people like you...i didnt really think posting would help but the first reply i got really did help and like i told another women on here in a matter of hours i went from totally feeling depressed to loved and if i feel this good about my self just from what you and a couple people have said i know theres hope...i also know that just because i feel good now there will be other days that i will feel like **** but just wanted to let you know that you really have helped ALL OF YOU!!

[raventwo]

You yell at your son? I yell at mine, did I yell at him when he was 2, hell yeah! If you don't spank him, you raise your voice so he knows your not playing, and your yelling at him, because he's doing something wrong. I mean, we do that, because we have to protect them, from hurting themselves. some yell, some might smack their hands, you know what i mean. I'm not saying, that you should be beating your child, but a pop on the diaper butt, doesnt hurt anybody. And if you find, that you are screaming at your kid, for no reason at all, then you realize it, because your saying it right now. But please, your finding reasons to hate yourself, and there is just no need for that. You are saying, hey i yell at my son, he's only 2, but i yell at him, i am a horrible mother!! But your not, but these people have broken you down so much, that you feel like everything you do, or say, is wrong, and do NOT let them do that!  ARE YOU ABUSING your son?? Do you find yourself just at the edge, and unfortunately he may have to hear mommy and she's not so happy, but do you think you are abusing him? From what I have read, I dont feel that that is the case. I feel that you are in a bad place, I feel that these people have or are trying to push you down, and I feel you are on the edge, but I also feel like you may feel that you need to constantly be punished for something, and you don't!! You realize you have a problem with the pills, you realize what your triggers are, now we just need to figure out, how to get you wiened down, to the point that you don't need anything somehow without you having to hand him over to the open arms of your mother in law just waiting for the opportunity to take him and not give him back!!  You will get the help, love, and understanding you need from us here, now I know that it probably will take more than this, I dont know, i just know I see a girl who is 21 yrs old, who is a young adult, raising a baby, and she's been through hell & back, and is still punishing herself, and is having problems, but we are all human! We all make mistakes! ANd guess what, nobody is perfect!! we will continue to make mistakes!! BUT we learn from them! And once your in a better place, state of mind, you will see this!! I promise! You know what to do, & what not to do, but guess what, YOUR NOT HEALED YOURSELF, and your trying so hard, to not be what they were to you, to your son- i can't imagine! I really can't. Still dealing with life like that, and on top of it, trying to be happy, and loving to your son, when it sounds like you barely love yourself? Please, please, just realize you ARE stronger than that!! YOU know what you can be, you know you are a great mother! you love your son and thats what matters  most, you would never harm him, or let anybody else harm him for that matter, you would protect him with your life right? We all are good mothers, are we perfect no, never will be, atleast I KNOW i never will be, but my kids know I love them, they know I would never let anybody hurt them, and they know I would die for them, and thats all they need to know.  WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU!! You can do this, I'm telling you, I KNOW you can!!

[scaredOFreality]

THANK-YOU!!! You are such a loving caring giving person i cannot believe what you typed it's just so touching and i just dont know what to say...i just starrted sobbing literally when i read what you said...im not sure if you read the part were i said im yelling at my son but i do and i have to say it again because i need to let people know for that reason im a terrible mother cause like you said i should know what NOT to do with my son and whats wrong and whats right...i told my self that i would never treat my son the way i was treated and the yelling that i grew up with was horrible so i told my self i would never ever do that to my son...i failed at being a mother in a way because i catch my self yalling at him...my little 2 year old boy...how am i able to do that and feel good about myself....then i take more pills because i feel so dam guilty....ahhhhh!!!! i try and bite my tounge go for a smoke count to 5 it works and then other times it doesnt i know its horrible but dont get me wrong its not constant but yelling at him once is bad enough...cause it's not his fault he's just alittle boy and he's learning through me and let me tell you he's picking up on some off my bad behavior...like if i get mad about something i dont handle it well sometimes and i can see that when he gets upset about something he REALLY gets upset...he's a very good little boy and soooo sweet. I need to say this because i am not innocent when it comes down to getting anger and yelling at him...i AM trying to do things different does anyone have any advice on how to control anger? I am going to attend a parenting course because like i said in my other post if i damage him thats it i have failed in life FORSURE and thats one thing that i cannot fail at...i know that he's only 2 so if i stop this ridiculous behavior NOW he will be fine and not remember that mommy yelled at him...this all goes back to my addiction to the pills cause like all you guys probley know that when your stressed or if something bad happens the addiction sounds pretty good...of course in the end you feel worse but at the moment its good....it's just so sickening to think that i do that to him but i know that if i keep beating my self up it wont get better itll just get worse because i feel worse. so when ever i let my voice raise to him i immediately feel guilty and i just think it's not exceptable AT ALL but in the end guilt will eat me up so i just try and deal with it better the next time. If i sound like im making up excuses im not i know how that effects a person and alittle child so i just wanted to vent on that one as well...