Sick of Hydrocodone

[pm_girl]

I've been taking Norco off and on for the past four years for back pain. I've had two microdiscectomies and, in August, a spinal fusion. Currently, I've been taking anywhere from 8 to 10 pills per day for the past 9 months. I'm still healing and going through physical therapy, but my back still hurts. Honestly, though, I take these pills for more than just physical pain. I take them if I get upset, I take them if I am planning to go meet up with friends and want to be "up", really I take them more than I should. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be in physical pain, but I'm so scared right now that I'm just digging myself a hole. I'm afraid to stop taking them because I feel like they make me "happy" and more productive. I know that I'm self medicating. I've been cutting down and I always have pills left over when my refill is due, but I want to try to start tapering off. I have put a schedule together to taper, but I'm worried that I'll be depressed without taking them. The thought of not taking them scares me at this point.

[pm_girl]

Being honest about this is the hardest part. I struggle with depression when I'm sober and I've been through withdrawl a couple of times during the past few years. The depression is hell. I use my back pain as a crutch and justification for taking pills. I quit for several months and started again when my back pain started coming back. I can't describe the hate I have for these pills and, somewhat for myself for getting out of control with them. I am the girl with the great career, great friends and great family. If people really knew me and what I'm doing, they'd be in shock. On the outside it really seems like I have my stuff together. I've been reading posts in this forum all day and I'm amazed at the strength and wisdom of so many of the people that post here. I don't know if I have it. I need to decide if I'm going to taper or try cold turkey. I'll be off the week of Thanksgiving and may just fake a flu that week and bite the bullet.

Thanks so much for the responses and advice.

[abel04]

the problem is at some point they don't make you happy anymore, but the opposite---sounds like you still have the love affair with your pills, but you don't like the idea of abusing/using inappropriatly, of being an addict. ditto, been there, didn't see how i could give  them up.  Most people addicted/dependent on pills have very legitimate reasons for taking them; the problem is that these drugs are only good in the short term.  Long term use changes how the drug works and changes you.

You obviously have some control 'cause you have pills left when you refill; sure would be easier to build on that now than wait until you go into runnig out before you can refill and i guarantee that day will come.  Use this forum, the folks here really helped me get through it.  Some bodies are different than others; I didn't feel depressed without them, quite the opposite, more alive.......the WD were very depressing, but that's only 5 days & you can make it through 5 days of anything, right?
sending the best
annabel

[pillfree21]

You have pretty much admitted to yourself (and this web community) that you have develop a problem, that is the first step and a very important one.  The reality is that you have already dug the hole and will need to decide whether to stop digging more and start trying to come out it back to the surface of reality living.  

Your habit was pretty much right where mine was (8-10 a day) so I can tell that it will be a rough ride down but it can definitely be done.  There is wealth of advice and experience on here about tapering, cold turkey and maintenance programs.  However, I would very much encourage you to try and stay away from subs or methadone, that is a WD on a whole nother level and only delays the inevitable.

You will have to get past the fear of WDs and let them happen so you can see that although they suck big time, they will not kill you and take you out, it will just be a matter of 5-6 days of umcomfortable living with your eyes ahead.  You have what it takes, you will just need to give yourself the chance to prove it.

I wish you the best with your recovery.