Aa
I guess I'm hoping to hear from you
I've bee on here before. Right now I think I just need a friend to talk to. I'm a substance abuser, and have been since age 13. Right now, I'm at the most sober state I've been at for 20 years. I currently abuse alcohol on the weekends, but only because my wife is at work, and I can get away with it.
I really don't understand myself. I'm going to counseling, but I have to wait for that. I just need some input. anything at all would help. I'm just looking for human interaction right now.
I really don't understand myself. I'm going to counseling, but I have to wait for that. I just need some input. anything at all would help. I'm just looking for human interaction right now.
Claire300
Concerning my Grandfather, I never had the chance to confront him, and at 12 I doubt that I would have confronted him. That's all kind of fuzzy now. I remember my parents telling me. The next picture I have in my mind is my Grandfather laying in a hospital bed with tubes in and out. He simply said, "Goodbye." Again, fuzzy, but I think he died that night. I remember feeling hate, but not towards my Grandfather. I wanted him back.
Adulthood: At 22 my girlfriend became pregnant. I know that I never wanted to be a father. I knew that then. I never thought I'd make a good one, and had decided I'd rather that not be the case, even in my teenage years. She and I had been in and out many, many times already for 6 years at this point. I know that I always struggled with the idea of premarital sex. I was raised in a good Christian home and knew that I was doing wrong. To me, it was very wrong, much worse than drinking or drugs. It would freak her out in the beginning when I'd sometimes cry after having sex. She on the other hand, was raised in a shady environment. She had a lot of sexual experience by the time we began dating. Again, that bothered me tremendously.
I think I've mentioned this before... But, the other thing that really messed me up in my teenage years through my 20's was another girl. I still wonder about her. She and I knew each other since about age 5 or 6. This is going to sound crazy, as I now understand that it is. I began to believe that she was God sent to be my wife. And I do mean BELIEVED. It wasn't completely unfounded. We had a relationship together. We'd talk quite often, and shared many of the same friends. I actively sought her our while dating my then girlfriend, now wife. I honestly think that the LSD had a lot to do with this. By 16, I had already consumed ?? TONS of LSD. She got married at about the same time I found out my girlfriend was pregnant.
The last time I saw her is actually a very long story. But, we talked for about an hour. It was more than obvious at that point that she had always had feelings for me, it just never worked out.
All of that being said, I began to feel like I was living in an alternate reality. This all sounds just as crazy as it truly is. Consuming LSD at 13 isn't a good idea. And between 13 and 20, I took a lot of it. I always have believed, and always did feel, that you're not the same person the next day after an LSD trip. Not just for a day, but rather that you've become an entirely different person that continues on from that point.
LSD certainly left me arachnophobic - VERY BADLY. I always saw spiders in my trips. Even today, 12 years after my last LSD trip, I shake and violently twitch even thinking about them. I'll begin to feel them crawling on my skin.. ok, enough said about that.
My daughter and I spend a lot of time together. My daughter and I talk, endlessly sometimes. She always has questions, and I patiently answer. My wife has a tendency to become rather agitated. She always has been short tempered. There's also much more affection between my daughter and I. My wife didn't grow up receiving much, and I think it's carried over into her adulthood.
Yes, I'm very afraid that my wife will leave me if I tell her, or if she finds out. She's already broke my heart many times over with things that she has said to me. She's made it quite clear that she doesn't want this type of lifestyle surrounding her. It's what she grew up in (to a lesser degree.) But, lots of alcohol and drug use is what she saw as a child. What concerns me the most is that I don't want to live this life alone. I know that she would also fight me to the death over custody of my daughter. I love my wife, and now miss the good relationship that we once had. I don't wish to push my beliefs onto anyone else out there, but I believe that I'm only allowed to marry once. I'm bound to her for life, even if she leaves me and remarries. If I lost them both, I'd undoubtedly be dead soon from an overdose... I'm sure I'd be jobless.
marcatj,
I know that counseling doesn't work after two times. I plan on continuing counseling as long as I feel good about the counselor. I've been before, with my wife, years back and had a terrible experience with that counselor. It turns out that she was a man-hater. I know this from talking with a co-worker that was seeing the same counselor. The counselor pretty much admitted that to my fellow co-worker, and explains why the last thing the counselor had to say to me was, "screw you."
Sorry for the very long post. I guess a lot of questions were presented.
I am appreciative for all of your insight, and look forward to hearing back from you.
Concerning my Grandfather, I never had the chance to confront him, and at 12 I doubt that I would have confronted him. That's all kind of fuzzy now. I remember my parents telling me. The next picture I have in my mind is my Grandfather laying in a hospital bed with tubes in and out. He simply said, "Goodbye." Again, fuzzy, but I think he died that night. I remember feeling hate, but not towards my Grandfather. I wanted him back.
Adulthood: At 22 my girlfriend became pregnant. I know that I never wanted to be a father. I knew that then. I never thought I'd make a good one, and had decided I'd rather that not be the case, even in my teenage years. She and I had been in and out many, many times already for 6 years at this point. I know that I always struggled with the idea of premarital sex. I was raised in a good Christian home and knew that I was doing wrong. To me, it was very wrong, much worse than drinking or drugs. It would freak her out in the beginning when I'd sometimes cry after having sex. She on the other hand, was raised in a shady environment. She had a lot of sexual experience by the time we began dating. Again, that bothered me tremendously.
I think I've mentioned this before... But, the other thing that really messed me up in my teenage years through my 20's was another girl. I still wonder about her. She and I knew each other since about age 5 or 6. This is going to sound crazy, as I now understand that it is. I began to believe that she was God sent to be my wife. And I do mean BELIEVED. It wasn't completely unfounded. We had a relationship together. We'd talk quite often, and shared many of the same friends. I actively sought her our while dating my then girlfriend, now wife. I honestly think that the LSD had a lot to do with this. By 16, I had already consumed ?? TONS of LSD. She got married at about the same time I found out my girlfriend was pregnant.
The last time I saw her is actually a very long story. But, we talked for about an hour. It was more than obvious at that point that she had always had feelings for me, it just never worked out.
All of that being said, I began to feel like I was living in an alternate reality. This all sounds just as crazy as it truly is. Consuming LSD at 13 isn't a good idea. And between 13 and 20, I took a lot of it. I always have believed, and always did feel, that you're not the same person the next day after an LSD trip. Not just for a day, but rather that you've become an entirely different person that continues on from that point.
LSD certainly left me arachnophobic - VERY BADLY. I always saw spiders in my trips. Even today, 12 years after my last LSD trip, I shake and violently twitch even thinking about them. I'll begin to feel them crawling on my skin.. ok, enough said about that.
My daughter and I spend a lot of time together. My daughter and I talk, endlessly sometimes. She always has questions, and I patiently answer. My wife has a tendency to become rather agitated. She always has been short tempered. There's also much more affection between my daughter and I. My wife didn't grow up receiving much, and I think it's carried over into her adulthood.
Yes, I'm very afraid that my wife will leave me if I tell her, or if she finds out. She's already broke my heart many times over with things that she has said to me. She's made it quite clear that she doesn't want this type of lifestyle surrounding her. It's what she grew up in (to a lesser degree.) But, lots of alcohol and drug use is what she saw as a child. What concerns me the most is that I don't want to live this life alone. I know that she would also fight me to the death over custody of my daughter. I love my wife, and now miss the good relationship that we once had. I don't wish to push my beliefs onto anyone else out there, but I believe that I'm only allowed to marry once. I'm bound to her for life, even if she leaves me and remarries. If I lost them both, I'd undoubtedly be dead soon from an overdose... I'm sure I'd be jobless.
marcatj,
I know that counseling doesn't work after two times. I plan on continuing counseling as long as I feel good about the counselor. I've been before, with my wife, years back and had a terrible experience with that counselor. It turns out that she was a man-hater. I know this from talking with a co-worker that was seeing the same counselor. The counselor pretty much admitted that to my fellow co-worker, and explains why the last thing the counselor had to say to me was, "screw you."
Sorry for the very long post. I guess a lot of questions were presented.
I am appreciative for all of your insight, and look forward to hearing back from you.
one last thing - that IS serious trauma you went thru. it is, no doubt.
but again, it can be overcome doll. it can. i know it's not easy, God knows it's not easy... but you can. it takes alot of (therapy) work - but it can....
:)
mj
but again, it can be overcome doll. it can. i know it's not easy, God knows it's not easy... but you can. it takes alot of (therapy) work - but it can....
:)
mj
and no buddy... you're not a bad person.
but i'm not sure you're going to quit drinking until you're really ready.
and i just reread and saw you did see a shrink at one point. but unless you're really spilling your guts, you aint' getting to the core.
try it 12guage. you sound like a good dude. you don't gotta feel this way. or live this way.
and we've all had trauma. i don't mean to sound callus, it's just the truth. at a certain point tho, you gotta move on.. get to the bottom of your real feelings about it, but then move on...
good luck buddy,
again-
mj
but i'm not sure you're going to quit drinking until you're really ready.
and i just reread and saw you did see a shrink at one point. but unless you're really spilling your guts, you aint' getting to the core.
try it 12guage. you sound like a good dude. you don't gotta feel this way. or live this way.
and we've all had trauma. i don't mean to sound callus, it's just the truth. at a certain point tho, you gotta move on.. get to the bottom of your real feelings about it, but then move on...
good luck buddy,
again-
mj
12 guage, counseling doesn't work after two times. it takes months...
with your track record bro, you definitely sound like you're "covering stuff up." and you gotta give the counseling a real shot or you're just wasting your time.
it really does work. and again - using since the age you did, at the amount you have, something's goin' on.
the good news if you give the counseling a few months you can probably get to some or alot of it.
give it a chance buddy. i know it changed my life...
good luck...
mj
with your track record bro, you definitely sound like you're "covering stuff up." and you gotta give the counseling a real shot or you're just wasting your time.
it really does work. and again - using since the age you did, at the amount you have, something's goin' on.
the good news if you give the counseling a few months you can probably get to some or alot of it.
give it a chance buddy. i know it changed my life...
good luck...
mj
Is there something specific that has happened to you as an adult or in your marriage, besides your addiction? There seems to be something there that you don't want to face. Do you think you have ever come to terms with your grandfather's death or what he did to your sister? Were you able to confront him about how you felt about what he did? I can't even imagine the hurt and anger you must have felt towards him.
You know? Growing up, my mom taught me that a woman did everything for her husband and family. You did all the cleaning, cooking, bathing, feeding, laundry, etc... I had this crazy idea of what marriage was "supposed" to be like. I think everyone goes into their marriage thinking that everything is going to be perfect, but then reality hits you like a ton of bricks and it's okay that everything is not the way you expected it to be. Life is way too short to not stop and enjoy it!
Do you know why your daughter feels closer to you than your wife? Tell me more about your wife. Are you afraid that if you tell her, she will leave you? What is it that concerns you the most about her?
You know? Growing up, my mom taught me that a woman did everything for her husband and family. You did all the cleaning, cooking, bathing, feeding, laundry, etc... I had this crazy idea of what marriage was "supposed" to be like. I think everyone goes into their marriage thinking that everything is going to be perfect, but then reality hits you like a ton of bricks and it's okay that everything is not the way you expected it to be. Life is way too short to not stop and enjoy it!
Do you know why your daughter feels closer to you than your wife? Tell me more about your wife. Are you afraid that if you tell her, she will leave you? What is it that concerns you the most about her?
What you're saying makes sense... But I had a very close relationship with both of my parents and still do. About the only association I can make with childhood and adulthood, is that things were so good when I was a child, I expected them to be as good as an adult. You know - almost like a fairy tale.
I don't feel comfortable telling my wife about this. She's already threatened me too many times to count. I don't even feel comfortable bringing her therapy with me. Maybe I will one day, but not yet.
I am honest with my therapist. I tell him everything there is to tell.
I don't feel comfortable telling my wife about this. She's already threatened me too many times to count. I don't even feel comfortable bringing her therapy with me. Maybe I will one day, but not yet.
I am honest with my therapist. I tell him everything there is to tell.
OMG JoAnn, you said what I was just thinking. When I was in therapy, that is exactly what I on covered. I think a lot of times, our parents inadvertantly pass this on to us through their parenting. Things were so different than now. Kids were more "be seen and not heard". What they didn't understand was that this was putting the thought in our head that we were not worth their time.
For years, I could never understand why all my relationships failed. As soon as things would start to go right, I would push away and ruin it. Then, I met my husband and he didn't allow me to play all those silly games. I guess that is why I have taken advantage of him with my addiction. I used to smoke pot; which he hated. After my daughter was born, I felt that smoking pot was a little "young" for me, so I opted for the pill. You know, because they are so much more mature:-)
12gauge - I encourage you to reach out to your wife. This is too hard of a task to do alone. Yes, you have us here always, but in order to reach your goal of sobriety, you have to be honest. Not only with yourself; which you are, but you need to be honest with your family and your therapist.
Ask your wife to go with you to a therapy session and tell her there. That way, you would have a mediator to help the two of you discuss things. Believe me, if she loves you, she will want you to get clean and stay clean.
For years, I could never understand why all my relationships failed. As soon as things would start to go right, I would push away and ruin it. Then, I met my husband and he didn't allow me to play all those silly games. I guess that is why I have taken advantage of him with my addiction. I used to smoke pot; which he hated. After my daughter was born, I felt that smoking pot was a little "young" for me, so I opted for the pill. You know, because they are so much more mature:-)
12gauge - I encourage you to reach out to your wife. This is too hard of a task to do alone. Yes, you have us here always, but in order to reach your goal of sobriety, you have to be honest. Not only with yourself; which you are, but you need to be honest with your family and your therapist.
Ask your wife to go with you to a therapy session and tell her there. That way, you would have a mediator to help the two of you discuss things. Believe me, if she loves you, she will want you to get clean and stay clean.
OMG JoAnn, you said what I was just thinking. When I was in therapy, that is exactly what I on covered. I think a lot of times, our parents inadvertantly pass this on to us through their parenting. Things were so different than now. Kids were more "be seen and not heard". What they didn't understand was that this was putting the thought in our head that we were not worth their time.
For years, I could never understand why all my relationships failed. As soon as things would start to go right, I would push away and ruin it. Then, I met my husband and he didn't allow me to play all those silly games. I guess that is why I have taken advantage of him with my addiction. I used to smoke pot; which he hated. After my daughter was born, I felt that smoking pot was a little "young" for me, so I opted for the pill. You know, because they are so much more mature:-)
12gauge - I encourage you to reach out to your wife. This is too hard of a task to do alone. Yes, you have us here always, but in order to reach your goal of sobriety, you have to be honest. Not only with yourself; which you are, but you need to be honest with your family and your therapist.
Ask your wife to go with you to a therapy session and tell her there. That way, you would have a mediator to help the two of you discuss things. Believe me, if she loves you, she will want you to get clean and stay clean.
For years, I could never understand why all my relationships failed. As soon as things would start to go right, I would push away and ruin it. Then, I met my husband and he didn't allow me to play all those silly games. I guess that is why I have taken advantage of him with my addiction. I used to smoke pot; which he hated. After my daughter was born, I felt that smoking pot was a little "young" for me, so I opted for the pill. You know, because they are so much more mature:-)
12gauge - I encourage you to reach out to your wife. This is too hard of a task to do alone. Yes, you have us here always, but in order to reach your goal of sobriety, you have to be honest. Not only with yourself; which you are, but you need to be honest with your family and your therapist.
Ask your wife to go with you to a therapy session and tell her there. That way, you would have a mediator to help the two of you discuss things. Believe me, if she loves you, she will want you to get clean and stay clean.
Ok..I'm going to give this a shot and hope it makes sense...LOL...I heard this on like Dr. Phil or Oprah or something like that. It has stuck w/me b/c I know it applies to me as well in a sense.
Sometimes when we have something really good in our lives...like a great spouse (which I do).....our self-esteem is so low that we think I don't really deserve this person or this wonderful treatment so we subconsciously try and ruin it. So we do these things kind of hoping to get caught...kind of hoping not too... if that makes sense. Also, the thrill of the getting caught. I think these 2 things kind of go hand in hand.
Hope this makes sense...and possibly helps someone. I know it has helped me when I think of that when I would do stupid stuff that risked our relationship.
Good Luck!
JoAnn
Sometimes when we have something really good in our lives...like a great spouse (which I do).....our self-esteem is so low that we think I don't really deserve this person or this wonderful treatment so we subconsciously try and ruin it. So we do these things kind of hoping to get caught...kind of hoping not too... if that makes sense. Also, the thrill of the getting caught. I think these 2 things kind of go hand in hand.
Hope this makes sense...and possibly helps someone. I know it has helped me when I think of that when I would do stupid stuff that risked our relationship.
Good Luck!
JoAnn
I read through all you have written and I understand what your saying..the facts are people like getting high. I have done drugs since I was about 13 as well..everything you mentioned and more except nitrous..my best friend died from huffing nitrous..anyway..I quit all the pills and methadone c/t..yes that sucked bad..and now I find that i am drinking more and more. truth is..i don't like being drunk either and i also have a pretty high tolerance too..not sure why. I am now confused after reading all this..i still feel like i need to do something..hmmm I don't understand counseling much. I have done it but for me to ..to pay someone to listen to me talk just doesn't go for me..as for your wife..she will find out one day, that is a given. do you think it has anything (you drinking) to do with having to sneak it? Just a thought. If your wife said..go ahead drink all you want, would you? I guess we all would like to know why one does not want to really be sober..I am sure there are many people that feel that way. Is/has your addiction affected any other areas of your life? Of course I can't see what would be more important than your marraige..(i am just thinking this through) if your still up I will be here..can't sleep..wish I had all the perfect answers but I don't..~Lisa
I think I'm cheating by doing this. I've just posted to myself. I know this will jump my post to the top. Sorry... I don't want to be selfish.
I guess I've done it for reason. I want to keep hearing from you all for support. The last thing I have to conquer is alcohol.
I'm currently on beer number 7 of 16 ounce beers. This isn't much for me. I have an incredible tolerance to alcohol after drinking every day for 10 years. I just know that if my wife found out that I was still drinking, she's flip out - and most likely leave me, or make me leave.
I really don't want to be sober. I was on morphine for 8 months and that was grand. I'm now off of morphine for 5 1/2 months. I still abuse alcohol when I can sneak it past my wife.
I've heard on here from another member - to be honest with my wife. That's simply not an option. She's made it quite clear that if I'm still drinking behind her back that she'll leave me, or make me leave. I really don't understand why I continue to test the waters.
I really don't know what to do. I don't understand myself. I'm currently seeking out counseling on my own accord. I have to wait until Monday to see them again. I've seen them twice so far. Until then, I'm plotting the times that I'll be able to drink.
So... What does a person like me do that really doesn't want to be sober. My wife requires it. My family requires it, although I've never been abusive. I've always had a very good relationship with my daughter (surprisingly more of a relationship than my wife who is sober.) My daughter has commented on several occasions that she feels much closer to me than her mommy.
I know that I'm not a bad person. I don't get drunk, as I hate getting drunk. The problem is that I feel the need to drink every day that I can. Trust me, I'd rather be doing something else. It used to be everyday. Now that my wife is watching me, I have to limit it and hide it from her. I never go through withdrawal from not drinking. I don't believe that I'm alcoholic. I'm much more of a substance abuser.
??
Give me anything you have to say.
I guess I've done it for reason. I want to keep hearing from you all for support. The last thing I have to conquer is alcohol.
I'm currently on beer number 7 of 16 ounce beers. This isn't much for me. I have an incredible tolerance to alcohol after drinking every day for 10 years. I just know that if my wife found out that I was still drinking, she's flip out - and most likely leave me, or make me leave.
I really don't want to be sober. I was on morphine for 8 months and that was grand. I'm now off of morphine for 5 1/2 months. I still abuse alcohol when I can sneak it past my wife.
I've heard on here from another member - to be honest with my wife. That's simply not an option. She's made it quite clear that if I'm still drinking behind her back that she'll leave me, or make me leave. I really don't understand why I continue to test the waters.
I really don't know what to do. I don't understand myself. I'm currently seeking out counseling on my own accord. I have to wait until Monday to see them again. I've seen them twice so far. Until then, I'm plotting the times that I'll be able to drink.
So... What does a person like me do that really doesn't want to be sober. My wife requires it. My family requires it, although I've never been abusive. I've always had a very good relationship with my daughter (surprisingly more of a relationship than my wife who is sober.) My daughter has commented on several occasions that she feels much closer to me than her mommy.
I know that I'm not a bad person. I don't get drunk, as I hate getting drunk. The problem is that I feel the need to drink every day that I can. Trust me, I'd rather be doing something else. It used to be everyday. Now that my wife is watching me, I have to limit it and hide it from her. I never go through withdrawal from not drinking. I don't believe that I'm alcoholic. I'm much more of a substance abuser.
??
Give me anything you have to say.
I've wondered the same thing at times. I haven't come up with much... But, something is better than nothing.
One, I believe that I've come to know no other way, seeing as how I've been doing this stuff since 13, almost 20 years now. Two, I think I've trained myself to believe that I'm entitled to it. Three is more complex. When I was 12 some traumatic things happened. My grandfather died, whom I looked up to and was very close to. I found out shortly before he died that he was molesting my mentally handicapped sister. And there was the first introduction to a girl that ended up haunting me for the next 10 years.
I've been on the whole med kick before. I was seeing a shrink for about 2 1/2 years. I was never honest with him about my substance abuse. That landed me being a walking pharmacy. I was on so many meds, that people who knew me swore they didn't know me any more. I became very suicidal. Then I found morphine. At the time, it truly was God sent. I suddenly had a reason to live again.
Then I decided to dump all the meds and the morphine at the same time. Withdrawal was torture.
The funny thing is that once I stopped taking all of the other meds, I stopped going through depression.
One, I believe that I've come to know no other way, seeing as how I've been doing this stuff since 13, almost 20 years now. Two, I think I've trained myself to believe that I'm entitled to it. Three is more complex. When I was 12 some traumatic things happened. My grandfather died, whom I looked up to and was very close to. I found out shortly before he died that he was molesting my mentally handicapped sister. And there was the first introduction to a girl that ended up haunting me for the next 10 years.
I've been on the whole med kick before. I was seeing a shrink for about 2 1/2 years. I was never honest with him about my substance abuse. That landed me being a walking pharmacy. I was on so many meds, that people who knew me swore they didn't know me any more. I became very suicidal. Then I found morphine. At the time, it truly was God sent. I suddenly had a reason to live again.
Then I decided to dump all the meds and the morphine at the same time. Withdrawal was torture.
The funny thing is that once I stopped taking all of the other meds, I stopped going through depression.
I am wondering what it is in your life that makes it so unbearable that you would rather get through with drugs or alcohol.
I completely understand where you are coming from and know that feeling of not wanting to be sober. I used recreational drugs in my younger years and party hard. I never thought I would have an issue with drugs again. I had even quit smoking. I thought I was good to go! Then last year, about 4 weeks after my daughter was born, my brother told me that my dad had been diagnosed with cirrohsis and only had 6 months to live he died a month later. I continued taking pain meds to help numb the pain I was feeling. I never had a great relationship with my dad because of his alcoholism and have been in therapy to help with that issue. I know that he loved me the best way he knew how and I understand now how he got trapped by this demon.
Have you seen your doctor? He/She will be able to help you get well. They may want to put you on something for depression and/or anxiety. That was my dad's main problem and mine too. He refused to take the medication and instead used alcohol to numb his pain.
Hang in there! I know you feel lost and don't know what to do, but you have made the first step to recovery. You will get through this and I will do everything I can to help you with this.
I completely understand where you are coming from and know that feeling of not wanting to be sober. I used recreational drugs in my younger years and party hard. I never thought I would have an issue with drugs again. I had even quit smoking. I thought I was good to go! Then last year, about 4 weeks after my daughter was born, my brother told me that my dad had been diagnosed with cirrohsis and only had 6 months to live he died a month later. I continued taking pain meds to help numb the pain I was feeling. I never had a great relationship with my dad because of his alcoholism and have been in therapy to help with that issue. I know that he loved me the best way he knew how and I understand now how he got trapped by this demon.
Have you seen your doctor? He/She will be able to help you get well. They may want to put you on something for depression and/or anxiety. That was my dad's main problem and mine too. He refused to take the medication and instead used alcohol to numb his pain.
Hang in there! I know you feel lost and don't know what to do, but you have made the first step to recovery. You will get through this and I will do everything I can to help you with this.
I'm just being honest. And again to be honest, if it were only pot - I wouldn't be concerned and my wife probably wouldn't either. I consider it rather harmless, but that's just my opinion. Then again, I never liked getting "stoned." I'd only smoke a little at a time.
My wife doesn't know that I'm still drinking and smoking pot on occasion. We pretty much grew up together, so we both used for a number of years. She calmed down considerably over the past 10 years. She now is truly an occasional social drinker. I just sped up. If she did know that I was still drinking, she'd flip out. She doesn't care if I drink an honest few beers every now and then. As a matter of fact, we both drank a few beers together the other night. She thinks this is the first time in about a month that I've drank. Drinking a few beers to me is like drinking a glass of water. I had beer stashed, so I drank some of those on top of about 5 that she knew about. I have to have at least 7 or 8 to get a minor buzz. I prefer to have about 12 or 13. I don't like getting drunk, so this is to my benefit. You might think that sounds funny. I don't like getting drunk, yet I prefer 12 to 13 beers. I'm not drunk on 12 or 13. I have quite the tolerance after drinking for 10 years every day.
My wife simply had a problem with as much as I was drinking and the fact that I did it every night. She totally flipped out when she found out about the morphine. That nearly destroyed us.
I've been to counseling twice now. So far, I'm still waiting for it to be helpful. I've been to AA, but it didn't do much for me. I honestly believe that I'm nowhere near as much alcoholic as I am a substance abuser. Alcohol isn't my drug of choice. It just happens to be very accessible. I've quit drinking several times in the past 10 years. I never go through withdrawal. I always go back to it though.
I'm just worried. My wife and I are starting to repair our relationship. The health of it depends, to some degree, on the status of my sobriety. And again, to be honest, I don't want to be sober. I'd rather be doing something other than drinking, but I have limited options.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying to understand myself. I don't want my wife to find out, but I know it's only a matter of time before she does.
I'm not sure what else to say.
My wife doesn't know that I'm still drinking and smoking pot on occasion. We pretty much grew up together, so we both used for a number of years. She calmed down considerably over the past 10 years. She now is truly an occasional social drinker. I just sped up. If she did know that I was still drinking, she'd flip out. She doesn't care if I drink an honest few beers every now and then. As a matter of fact, we both drank a few beers together the other night. She thinks this is the first time in about a month that I've drank. Drinking a few beers to me is like drinking a glass of water. I had beer stashed, so I drank some of those on top of about 5 that she knew about. I have to have at least 7 or 8 to get a minor buzz. I prefer to have about 12 or 13. I don't like getting drunk, so this is to my benefit. You might think that sounds funny. I don't like getting drunk, yet I prefer 12 to 13 beers. I'm not drunk on 12 or 13. I have quite the tolerance after drinking for 10 years every day.
My wife simply had a problem with as much as I was drinking and the fact that I did it every night. She totally flipped out when she found out about the morphine. That nearly destroyed us.
I've been to counseling twice now. So far, I'm still waiting for it to be helpful. I've been to AA, but it didn't do much for me. I honestly believe that I'm nowhere near as much alcoholic as I am a substance abuser. Alcohol isn't my drug of choice. It just happens to be very accessible. I've quit drinking several times in the past 10 years. I never go through withdrawal. I always go back to it though.
I'm just worried. My wife and I are starting to repair our relationship. The health of it depends, to some degree, on the status of my sobriety. And again, to be honest, I don't want to be sober. I'd rather be doing something other than drinking, but I have limited options.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying to understand myself. I don't want my wife to find out, but I know it's only a matter of time before she does.
I'm not sure what else to say.
I am very proud of you for being so candid about your drug use. You have made such major improvements on your past addictions that I think you can beat the alcohol and pot too. The fact that you reached out to someone means that you want to change things.
I am wondering if your wife is aware of your drug and alcohol use. Does she participate? Counseling will help you understand more about your addiction. When do you start that? AA is also a great place to go for additional support.
You are headed in the right direction. This is a great place to reach out for support.
I am wondering if your wife is aware of your drug and alcohol use. Does she participate? Counseling will help you understand more about your addiction. When do you start that? AA is also a great place to go for additional support.
You are headed in the right direction. This is a great place to reach out for support.
JoAnn,
thanks for the reply. Sorry that I cut out on everyone last night. It was getting late, and I had to wake up early this morning. I simply had to go to bed. Currently, I'm only smoking some pot every now and then and drinking as often as possible. I'll sum it all up for you though. Perhaps my history will shed some light on things.
13, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, LSD, getting drunk regularly.
14, cigarettes won't be mentioned again. I still smoke. By now, I was already smoking a pack a day though. LSD every weekend, a lot of pot. OTC Nyquil, downers, etc during the day at school. Sometimes speed at school. I'd often walk down to the grocery and steal beer during lunch. Getting drunk very regularly, often mixed with LSD.
15, same as 14
16, much the same as 14 and 15. Not using LSD as often. Began smoking pot every day. This lasted 7 years. Began getting drunk every night. Began huffing nitrous frequently.
17, consisted mostly of pot, occasional LSD, and drunken weekends.
18, much the same as 17.
19 - 20, same
21 no more LSD, last time at 20. Still smoking pot. Drinking some.
22 until present, drinking every day. Stopped pot, picked it back up, stopped again, etc.. Then I found morphine. I was hooked for 8 months. Pot in the evenings, sometimes Salvia. Pretty much drunk every night. Huffing nitrous on top of everything. I began to abuse as many substances as I could. I'd take morphine and smoke pot during the day to help me through work. This eventually became an everyday thing, even on the weekends. I'd finish off the day with pot, alcohol and nitrous.
Present, off of morphine for 5 1/2 months now. Still drinking as often as possible. Pot only on occasion. No more nitrous or anything else... Just alcohol and pot.
thanks for the reply. Sorry that I cut out on everyone last night. It was getting late, and I had to wake up early this morning. I simply had to go to bed. Currently, I'm only smoking some pot every now and then and drinking as often as possible. I'll sum it all up for you though. Perhaps my history will shed some light on things.
13, smoking cigarettes, smoking pot, LSD, getting drunk regularly.
14, cigarettes won't be mentioned again. I still smoke. By now, I was already smoking a pack a day though. LSD every weekend, a lot of pot. OTC Nyquil, downers, etc during the day at school. Sometimes speed at school. I'd often walk down to the grocery and steal beer during lunch. Getting drunk very regularly, often mixed with LSD.
15, same as 14
16, much the same as 14 and 15. Not using LSD as often. Began smoking pot every day. This lasted 7 years. Began getting drunk every night. Began huffing nitrous frequently.
17, consisted mostly of pot, occasional LSD, and drunken weekends.
18, much the same as 17.
19 - 20, same
21 no more LSD, last time at 20. Still smoking pot. Drinking some.
22 until present, drinking every day. Stopped pot, picked it back up, stopped again, etc.. Then I found morphine. I was hooked for 8 months. Pot in the evenings, sometimes Salvia. Pretty much drunk every night. Huffing nitrous on top of everything. I began to abuse as many substances as I could. I'd take morphine and smoke pot during the day to help me through work. This eventually became an everyday thing, even on the weekends. I'd finish off the day with pot, alcohol and nitrous.
Present, off of morphine for 5 1/2 months now. Still drinking as often as possible. Pot only on occasion. No more nitrous or anything else... Just alcohol and pot.
Sorry it's been so long since you've had any responses. Other than alcohol what types of substances are you abusing? I was addicted to hyrdocodone. Getting clean has been the best decision EVER. I will be here for a little bit if you need to talk...again not sure where everyone is...sorry it took so long for you to get an answer.
JoAnn
JoAnn
HELLO
IT HAS TAKEN ME AT LEAST ONE DETERMINED HOUR TO GET BACK TO YOU, I SAW YOUR POST ON MY LAPTOP WHICH HAS BEEN WORKING CRAZY IN REGARDS TO THIS WEBSITE, SO I HAVE BEEN USING MY SON'S PC THAT HAS SO MUCH COLLEGE WORK ON IT THAT IT RUNS REAL SLOW. TOMORROW MINE GOES IN FOR A DIADNOSTIC.
WELL SINCE YOU WANT TO TALK TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING...I AN DAY 23 DETOXING, FINALLY AM BEGINNING TO FEEL SOMEWHAT MAYBE LIKE A PERSON AGAIN. I HAVE HAD TO FIGHT THE BATTLE OF THE BOTTLE BEFORE, IN GENERAL I HAVE AND ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY.
PM ME AND TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.
PEACE DON :)
IT HAS TAKEN ME AT LEAST ONE DETERMINED HOUR TO GET BACK TO YOU, I SAW YOUR POST ON MY LAPTOP WHICH HAS BEEN WORKING CRAZY IN REGARDS TO THIS WEBSITE, SO I HAVE BEEN USING MY SON'S PC THAT HAS SO MUCH COLLEGE WORK ON IT THAT IT RUNS REAL SLOW. TOMORROW MINE GOES IN FOR A DIADNOSTIC.
WELL SINCE YOU WANT TO TALK TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING...I AN DAY 23 DETOXING, FINALLY AM BEGINNING TO FEEL SOMEWHAT MAYBE LIKE A PERSON AGAIN. I HAVE HAD TO FIGHT THE BATTLE OF THE BOTTLE BEFORE, IN GENERAL I HAVE AND ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY.
PM ME AND TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.
PEACE DON :)
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