battle has been lost!!!!

[maxe58]

first i wld like to thank all of those who offered advice and or kind words...it really meant alot....today however was my group counseling session and to my utter shock and dis belief dr mchatred anounces to the entire group that i had tried to taper myself "that i thought i was the dr" and he went around the room asking if any body else had tried that...well as u prob knw no one else had the balls to admit that they did..i mean come on if one is serious about being clean im sure they at least tried to cut back or dwn....any way after no one said anything he returned the attention back to me and had ea person give ME a reason why wat i did was a horrible idea and he continued to tell the group that with my way of thinking i am a "relapse waiting to happen"....i felt utterly humiliated...i had tears running dwn my face...i was shocked silent...i honestly cldnt say a word...he then asked me if i "had any more bright ideas"?....all i cld do was run from the room....i ran out of the building....i ran to my car and to my phn....right now i am waiting for my dealer to get here....i guess he was right!!! addiction is a big business...only my doc dealer never ever made me feel the way my so called recovery dr has....he wins...maybe i am just a junkie...in my defense i will say this:..i went in to the sub prgrm ready to renew my life...i had all the hopes of a new bride on her wedding day....i was getting married to life....my battle with addiction has been lost...i sit here defeated....he left a voice mail saying he feels i need to go to 3 subs a day!! that means i pay more ea week..as it is now i am cash pay and he gets 200 a week and the pharm gets almost 500 now he wants more? no he wins...i lose....well just heard that all to familiar horn blowing in my drive way....again thamk u all and to those who are lucky enough to beat this i wish u luck and plz knw sme of us are not as lucky and we envy u.......rebecca

[LostNoMore]

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep PRAYING!!!!

Tell the dopeman you're done. That's really hard when the devil is knocking on your door. Good thing you had a stronger power with you.

If you made it through today, you can make it through tomorrow.

[maxe58]

Its 10 pm where I am and I hid in my home all day..I layed in bed under the blanket while my dealer called and knocked and beeped outside for 20 min..my whole body was screaming to go open the door but I cldnt..with ea knock, beep, call i cried more and more...I asked god why..what did I do to deserve this torture...I asked him to plz cover me and hold me down..plz dnt let me give in..plz take this urge, this pain this longing for silence..I wanted to forget all the wrongs...I needed to be numb but not this way..I fell asleep and I made it thru this day...how? I have no clue...tomorow is another day and I will battle this demon again...thank you ALL..I swear I am so happy I found this site..being alone with no family or friends I really trusted and depended on this dr..maybe that was my first mistake..I mean it is MY recovery not his right?..I just really wanted a connection with smeone...I needed to feel like a part of smething and I thought that since he was a addiction dr he wld embrace me..he wld understand where no one else did and I placed all my hopes and dreams at his feet..I was finally safe and I had hlp to fight this war..now I know that this is MY fight and I can come to u guys when I need a rest...thank u...I made it today...tomorow is another day yes but I made it today!!!becca

[Bkitty]

Please stay here and talk to us,,I am feeling some of the same feelings you are today (different circimstance). Nothing seems to help when you feel like this I know. Using will only add to the problem. You came here and posted,,obviously reaching out for help. We will carry you threw this! Im sending love and prayers. (((hugs)))~bkitty

[minn66]

Iwill is right, you are being given a gift. The Present. You have control over the situation. Leave and go home and pamper yourself. Talk to us. I just want to reach out through the web and hug you and and comfort you. I am still just shocked that he would do such a thing. I have to get ready for PT but know that I am praying for and thinking of you.

[Elmijack15]

You need to get on the waiting list for a new doctor and report this scumbag! Do not let him get away with this! Do what you need to do until you get to a real doctor. You're not worthless, you were really trying to do the right thing. Hang in there, if you can't quit cold turkey, it's not the end of the world just don't go back for good. Take care and you are NOT alone. Hugs to you!

[IwillDoThis]

Maxe - your dealer isn't here yet - you are being given a gift.  PLEASE drive away, this is a test and look at all the people here to support you.

GIRL DRIVE AWAY.  This doctor is financially benefiting from keeping you on the treadmill - report him and find a new doctor.  No one deserves to be treated the way you were - especially when we are at our most fragile.

you are stronger than this, your life is worth a real shot at getting clean.  We are here - keep posting and we are all pulling for you!