covering up depression with opiates

[bama88]

Do you think most addicts have an underlying depression bipolar or other mental illness?? i do.

I suffer from cronic depression. i think the pills covered up my depression for so long. and when i stopped using pills again. well depression reared its ugly head. also when we have a cronic illness whether it be cancer or in my case knee issues it changed my quality of life regardless. the hardest thing for me to accept is my physical limitations. and depression. and the physical limitations make my depression worst. in my mind i feel young. then when i raise my physical activities i feel old. i used to escape those feeling with pills....did you??

Then when i was high and came down....well depression would set in times 10. ugly cycle. its so hard to let go of pills. Fear of pain is so real. first we or i think..oh no can i function physically off meds?? i want to he active. and i feel like im 80 on some days. i wonder what i did to deserve this?? do you?? but i know that we didn't do anything to deserve any of this. from cronic pain problems to depression.how long will it take me to accept my limitations??

The only thing that keeps me going is a little bit of pride. the pride of recognizing my addiction and being pro active. i keep telling myself we are a small minority of people who want off pills. its easier to keep using and using than it is to stop. what do you think??

Somedays its so hard to not let this all get to me...if ya know what i mean. yet i keep telling myself this is a smart thing to do. stopping all my pills. it feels so good and bad at the same time. if i could only accept my limitations.

I had a doctors appointment today. i didn't even go to. why?? for my own safety. even tho there are days i hurt so bad. id rather hurt than be high. even tho there are days i feel like blah...(understatement) its a thousand times than being high.

Question for all of you...when did the pills turn on you?? how long did it take for you to say "this is not fun anymore". or "why do i keep doing this?"

what was your biggest fear to conquer when you decided its over? I've had enough??

How did you come to the conclusion to stop?? for me it was when i kept running out early. buying off the streets. detoxing monthly if i ran out. the loss of my car....
Also i would get so drowsy. i got nothing done. every morning i woke up dope sick. for two years.

What was or is your biggest fear?? mine was pain. also the thought of what if i really got hurt. or what if i started doing heroin??

Also i think addicts suffer from depression before we got hooked on pills. do you agree??

[n8tiv_ndn]

Personnally for me I think the chronic pain for me started my depression which was covered by the drugs for many years, however they did nothing to repair that problem....life changes for me in addition to the pain and developed dependance which turned into addiction certainly did nothing too alleviate any underlying depression....I quit the antidepressant meds years ago...but finding Pain Management docs that will prescribe only opiates and muscle relaxers without antidepressants is virtually impossible....so I guess I would say that I do have issues with depression that is masked by the opiates and now that I am coming off them again I am most certain I will battle depression ....just don't now how I am going to go about that yet......peace to all.....

n8tiv_ndn
Mark

[littlebit667]

Do you think you were bipolar or do you think all the years on pills did something to change your brain??  I am just wondering.  My husband is bipolar, he drank to deal with it, but I often wonder if there was more to it.

[staticage]

yes i agree,at least for me this seems true..dealing with real pain and feeling older without pills is even harder..on day 13 today....i should b happy but im not...family thinks i need aftercare or psycology for the way ive been acting...i just thought im still n early stages of getn clean..sorry if im not makn sense,just wanted to say yes,the pills take away lots negative emotions for me...now their gone...and kinda left n a depressed state...hope u feel better...

[bama88]

Thanks for the candid comments. i posted this for the ones starting detox. or thinking about it. or lurking. i feel we need to show others what pills do. or why we take them. also to show others its not as scarey as one thinks. so i appreciate all responses. if we can help one more...well that's what its all about. the good thing about this forum is it helps so many of us connect. when i was deep into my struggle with addiction i felt so alone. shame guilt and depression. i was in a dark cold place. Y'all saved me. well y'all gave me the support i desperately needed. today was a big accomplishment for me. i thought about this appointment for two weeks. during the worst days of this last detox all i thought about was another script. i found myself romancing my oxies again. making excuses to continue. i went to visit my mom and she knew i fell down. and was ashamed. and embarrassed. i was so grateful she finally got what i was going thru. in fact im excited for her to come home this weekend. There were times this past month i was so depressed i didn't want to go on with life. but i just stayed the course. The only thing that kept me going was God. lots of praying. lots and lots. i want everyone to succeed at this. freedom from opiates is so wonderful. freedom from opiates is life changing. its challenging. so much temptation. but when you start to see a little light...grab it. cherish it. it may be fleeting. but never ever give up hope . sometimes hope is the only thing that will pull you thru on those dark lonely cold days.

[Bkitty]

Yes,,Bama. I knew that the reason I was using was because I was depressed. I did not have any chronic pain issues and was not prescribed any opiates for other means either. I still remember 8 years ago the first pills I took,,they were vicodin 5/500. I took 2 because the guy I was dating was an addict. I puked and puked. But I remember that feeling. I had confidence,,I could accomplish anything,,I was in a good mood,,I could deal with whatever came my way. I lost my job as a RN in a CVICU/ICU unit that I worked in for 7years. I was a well respected RN and trained all the new nurses on the unit. I was well respected by all the doctors and I was given the most acute complicated cases. I lost my job because I started calling in all the time. Thats really when my depression kicked in. Then I went into hospice and had an endless supply of perks,,oxy,,vicodin. Enter full blown addict 8 years later. As soon as I decided I want off these pills again,,I knew I had to do something different. I had quit many times before,,I just didnt want to do the work associated with living sober. This time I immediately addressed the depression and set up therapy as soon as I quit. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder and major depressive disorder and anxiety. I was put on a mood stabilizer(Lamictal),,an aytipical antipsychotic (seroquel) which helps me sleep and Cymbalta. I was told it was a lot od trial and error to find the right combo that works for you.

I feel 80% better than I have in years. I sleep like a baby. I still have my ruts from time to time but I am able to pull myself out of them. I had a pity party a few weeks ago actually. I still have trouble motivating in the morning though. I need to work on that. Also what really helped was getiing a routine and schedule. I need that.

[littlebit667]

Oh Bama...I quit taking my antidepressants because I did not need them (or thought I did not) when I was doing the pills.  With your history and the pain in your life..I would not be surprised if there is real depression.  You are a wonder and I believe you will make it.  I am dealing with it right how and I fully understand how they take the place of real emotional health and growth.  All we had to do was take the pills and not worry about anything.  Well, that is not life...I am 60 trying to figure out when I am going to grow up!  :)  You are way ahead of me there.  

[Addicted2long]

It took me about 2-3 years of daily use before.I was really a prisoner to the drugs. After that I was just putting it off because I was so scared to death of the wd. It took me.another 5 years to really put my foot down. For me I was always afraid of death. My.doc.being heroin was scary to me and o realized that one day I could easily just get bad **** and die before I even took the needle out of my arm. I often wondered if I died how my family would find me and how they would react. I couldn't do that to my family and esp. Once they found out about my addiction I no longer couldn't hurt my mother. There is so much fear when using that its just not fun. I also think that the reason out of all the other drugs I tried I fell in lobe with opiates was becuz of my depression and anxiety. It was the only drug that for awhile made me happy
That was however short lived and it turned into a living nigjtmere. I pray for the both of us that our lives reach the happiness we once had.

[ricart70]

yes opiates are very good at alleviating depression.They are just not a viable option for long term treatment of depression.  I really if I have to be honest with myself...the pills just have the ability to make everything ok and that is a powerful thing to do without.The buzz of pills did remain fun for me ,however the side effects and the other financial,social,etc. etc. just made it impossible for me to continue.   I don't believe I can honestly say that  I ever took my dose of oxy and said wow this didn't even get me high.It always got me high.The high may not have lasted as long,may not have been energy packed but still     high