Aa
day 2
I found a guy who was 4 years clean. Had worked the steps 2 times. We were an NA “power couple” whatever that means. Shortly into our relationship he relapsed. And it was a “1 time thing” people kept telling me to leave, but our bible study/church friends said not to give up. He used a few more times, each time he would use he would leave the house and drive around and eventually come home.
And every time he left a part of me would hurt and die inside, I knew this feeling was dangerous…
My meeting attendance was good still 4-6 a week ( I was hitting 7-10)
I started thinking that I was being judged because every time he’d leave I would cry and then he would come back we would be fine for a while. It was a cycle though and the more it happened the harder it was to reach out.
I had it in my head that as long as I stay clean and he used away from me I would be ok.
So Friday night we had to rewrite his payday loan to pay bills
He admitted to using earlier that day and he admitted to not wanting to stop. It hit me he didn’t want to quit. He told me to leave with all the money, My stomach was churning. I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away. Like love can conqueror all HA!
I could have called people, I could have left, I could have kicked him out. I made a conscience decision to get high because at least we will be together.
I’m sick and I don’t want to go back to meetings,
I don’t want to tell people I used. I have a heart issue and im having some discomfort and a migraine that’s lasted 3 days. Hopefully it will pass.
I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, but I don’t want to let him go.
I am not ready, I have 2 days clean and IDK if I want to stay clean, I don’t want to leave him. And in finding love I have lost my soul. I cant look people in the eye I feel like they know
I am struggling between us getting n staying clean together and this impending loneliness
I don’t want to go back down this road
We smoked 500 in crack in 24 hours. I cant tell people I cant start over I don’t want to hear their solutions
I am lost and alone and scared
This is me being honest…and idk what to do
Or if I am done I am so sorry I let you down
I cant face them though! I cant
this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write but I have to tell someone
And every time he left a part of me would hurt and die inside, I knew this feeling was dangerous…
My meeting attendance was good still 4-6 a week ( I was hitting 7-10)
I started thinking that I was being judged because every time he’d leave I would cry and then he would come back we would be fine for a while. It was a cycle though and the more it happened the harder it was to reach out.
I had it in my head that as long as I stay clean and he used away from me I would be ok.
So Friday night we had to rewrite his payday loan to pay bills
He admitted to using earlier that day and he admitted to not wanting to stop. It hit me he didn’t want to quit. He told me to leave with all the money, My stomach was churning. I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away. Like love can conqueror all HA!
I could have called people, I could have left, I could have kicked him out. I made a conscience decision to get high because at least we will be together.
I’m sick and I don’t want to go back to meetings,
I don’t want to tell people I used. I have a heart issue and im having some discomfort and a migraine that’s lasted 3 days. Hopefully it will pass.
I don’t want this to be the rest of my life, but I don’t want to let him go.
I am not ready, I have 2 days clean and IDK if I want to stay clean, I don’t want to leave him. And in finding love I have lost my soul. I cant look people in the eye I feel like they know
I am struggling between us getting n staying clean together and this impending loneliness
I don’t want to go back down this road
We smoked 500 in crack in 24 hours. I cant tell people I cant start over I don’t want to hear their solutions
I am lost and alone and scared
This is me being honest…and idk what to do
Or if I am done I am so sorry I let you down
I cant face them though! I cant
this is the hardest thing I have ever had to write but I have to tell someone
hi, take a deep breath, its going to work , but you know deep in your heart you dont want to go back to that life.
you have to come first, reach out ask for and accept help, its there if you are willing! if people from aa/na are judging then thats not the group for you. i have slipped to with xanax and alcohol, but it could of been heroin its all the same , its a dis-ease, for sure and symptoms are use.Please no self defeating pride right now, there is much love acceptance and tolerance that this happens , but it is a learning experience, you should have some time away from him right now imo. it wont last anyways if you guys are using, hang in there Heather, you can pm me anytime for support i have seen u on here , and read alot of your stuff. you deserve to be happy and free, of the bondage and chaos of addiction, and i know you can get past this hiccup, :)
you have to come first, reach out ask for and accept help, its there if you are willing! if people from aa/na are judging then thats not the group for you. i have slipped to with xanax and alcohol, but it could of been heroin its all the same , its a dis-ease, for sure and symptoms are use.Please no self defeating pride right now, there is much love acceptance and tolerance that this happens , but it is a learning experience, you should have some time away from him right now imo. it wont last anyways if you guys are using, hang in there Heather, you can pm me anytime for support i have seen u on here , and read alot of your stuff. you deserve to be happy and free, of the bondage and chaos of addiction, and i know you can get past this hiccup, :)
Whoa Heather. That story is horrifying.
Guess what you did? You made that man your "higher power." And that's not love, that's severe co-dependence.
At least you are honest about not wanting to get clean and not wanting to leave the guy. This is what you are saying: "I want to be in a crack addicted co-dependent relationship and spend all my money and die."
Your self-esteem must be non-existent and perhaps that's something you haven't really looked at yet. If you've been going to 5, 7 or 100 meetings a week it won't matter if you aren't speaking up and being honest. Whatever you were doing wasn't working.
No one in the rooms "cares" that you've relapsed. We are all thinking about our own sobriety. You are just saturated in self-obsession right now. And your addiction is deciding everything.
You must know that this is a one way ticket to hell or you wouldn't have come on to this site a fessed up. You do want help. And you need it.
Walk into a meeting tonight, raise your hand, and be honest. That's something you haven't been doing, obviously. And where is your sponsor?
Yes, my post was harsh, but your situation is harsh. You think you're the first person to get into a useless relationship and relapse? You aren't terminally unique. Get your arse into your meeting.
Keep us posted. Glad you shared.
Guess what you did? You made that man your "higher power." And that's not love, that's severe co-dependence.
At least you are honest about not wanting to get clean and not wanting to leave the guy. This is what you are saying: "I want to be in a crack addicted co-dependent relationship and spend all my money and die."
Your self-esteem must be non-existent and perhaps that's something you haven't really looked at yet. If you've been going to 5, 7 or 100 meetings a week it won't matter if you aren't speaking up and being honest. Whatever you were doing wasn't working.
No one in the rooms "cares" that you've relapsed. We are all thinking about our own sobriety. You are just saturated in self-obsession right now. And your addiction is deciding everything.
You must know that this is a one way ticket to hell or you wouldn't have come on to this site a fessed up. You do want help. And you need it.
Walk into a meeting tonight, raise your hand, and be honest. That's something you haven't been doing, obviously. And where is your sponsor?
Yes, my post was harsh, but your situation is harsh. You think you're the first person to get into a useless relationship and relapse? You aren't terminally unique. Get your arse into your meeting.
Keep us posted. Glad you shared.
P.S.- you wrote this doozy
"I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away."
The denial in that sentence is gargantuan. You used because YOU wanted to.
"I told him I would use with him hoping he would snap out of it and not want me to throw this away."
The denial in that sentence is gargantuan. You used because YOU wanted to.
Heather, I don't have much to say right now. I just want you to know that yesterday is in the past. Turn your head around and face the future not the past. When you feel strong enough we will walk together past yesterday. No judging, just wanted you to know that I care, we all do. I do agree that why you used is on you and that's history. It's not the end of anything as long as you hold on to your beliefs. I hope you're alright and ready to get past this. Just another bump in the road. I feel for you friend. Best Wishes.............ike
I never said it was his fauilt...I was just saying in some sick way I wished it would snap him out
I used because I wanted to and I wanted to be with him
I didnt pick up the phone I know I am wrong
and I feel I am being judged. I wanted to come out and be honest to see how it will feel idk
this is hard and its hard to even be honest
with you all
i diserve this though i failed
I used because I wanted to and I wanted to be with him
I didnt pick up the phone I know I am wrong
and I feel I am being judged. I wanted to come out and be honest to see how it will feel idk
this is hard and its hard to even be honest
with you all
i diserve this though i failed
Hey Girl....well it always sadins me to read a post like this....right now call your sponcer and let them know what is going on...using is not the solution it will only get worst with time and you know this...this disease is cunning baffling and powerful and your not the first or last one it has brought down in recovery a close friend of mine had 17yrs and went back out there the real key here is to do this let someone know...and you have done that it is a absolute mind screw when this happens you have a choice now to stop and learn from it or to let it kill you time to pick yourself back up...dust yourself off and get to a meeting and do what has been working for you this is a big wake up call and like it or not it happens imagin what it would be like if you never stoped as for a relationship it is never going to work with someone in active addiction and this must be a hard line in the sand it is ether you or the dope....this will be hard to do but it is life or death...keep posting for support we are here for you I will keep you in my prayers your friend Mark
Heather- someone on here once wrote: "tough love is still love." I'm sure everything feels very harsh right now. It doesn't mean you are a horrible person, it just means you made decisions that haven't helped you. So let's choose some different decisions.
That was not my intention. My only thought is that you get your head right. It may take awhile and that's ok too. Trust me on this. Falling while trying to better yourself is human and we are all human. I can't even call it a mistake. That's not fair. I understand everything you feel. So good luck to you and hope your world slows down for you. Good Luck Heather..........ike
no not you, you were the most understanding and thanks for encouraging me im scared because I dont wanna leave him
There are many things you need to leave girl. He is #1. Get into a one to one therapy. You have issues that NA can't solve. You should be so ANGRY that he led you down this road. The fact that he allowed you to use speaks volumes.
Wow!
Heather, I just wanted to send you a big comforting hug! I remember so clearly when you first came on this site -- How hard you fought, how difficult your circumstances & losses were & how well you did!
This was one of the bravest, most Honest & heart-felt posts I've ever read & despite (or maybe because of) what's going on w/ you right now, I want to congratulate you on your strength. You have a tender, tender heart & yes..you are codependent when it comes to men (always have been from what you've described) Like many women, you tend to put yourself 2nd & to define your self worth by whether or not you're in a relationship. Add addiction & the codependency that it implies in addict couples & you've got quite a lot to contend with -- a real double whammy.
Heather, (another big hug), I hear you when you say that you don't know if you want to stop. (I mean the bottom has fallen out of the world that you thought you had). Here's the thing, my love, it's really, really key what you do in the next week or so. Let's look @ how you slowly allowed yourself to be seduced back into the soul-crushing void of crack & dope. a) You found out that he was using & after the 2nd time, you still wouldn't look @ the fact that this was a real slip & that perhaps he didn't want to stop. b) I'm assuming (and please, correct me if I'm mistaken) that you chose not to discuss his slip with your sponsor or @ a meeting for the simple reason that you were proud -- you said it yourself -- you have a reputation as a couple there. You also probably felt that it was loyal to him not to (this was a d*mn good example of mistaken loyalty). I understand both of your impulses -- I've been there myself. c) In a codependent fit of desperation, nonsensical reasoning & fear, you allowed yourself to use with him.
I know that you're down on yourself right now. You might even believe there's no way out. There is & please don't beat yourself up. Save your energy for the steps you'll be taking to pull yourself out of this. You worked so very hard to get to where you were. Deep down, I believe that the thing that's hurting the most is that you lied to & betrayed yourself. Please, though you may not feel it right now, remember how strong you can be. You need to stay away from substances right now so that you can get a little distance & start thinking clearly again. Unfortunately it's the pull of the relationship that's currently your DOC -- it's also the gateway back into the narcotic void. In the void, there is no love, not really, no matter what addict couples tell each other.
It's just an idea, but maybe the way out from here is to work on Heather first -- find out what's going on with her, how to love her & take care of her. I don't think AA/NA alone is enough for folks like you & I with a lot of loss, use & difficult backgrounds. I think it might be time to find out how you can strengthen, protect & understand yourself to a point where you won't depend on a relationship or a support group to define your self-worth & therefore, to keep you clean.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that you drop AA/NA! Quite the opposite. It's just that unless you've figured some things out about yourself, it can be something that people hang onto the way they hung onto drugs & I'm not sure if that sort of 'white-knuckling' it, will keep you clean in the long run.
Why not go to your group & express to them exactly what you said in your post: That you were afraid to speak up -- that you feel like you've blown it big time, etc. Tell them the painful Truth the same way you have with us. Tell them you did a test-run here first (something I thank you for doing, btw). Tell them of your fear of judgment, abandonment, etc. Let it spill! If you can't tell them this, then what use has the entire relationship w/ NA been for you? Is it still a real thing you believe in? Did it help you in the past? Well, if you let it, it can help you now..Don't listen to your fear, your denial & your habit. Be still w/ yourself & listen for that quiet voice that never steers you wrong. Pray on it -- meditate on it.
Which road will you choose?
A final Hug your way :)
I think we are going to try and fix this and get clean together, I cant leave him
I wont give up on us
I wont give up on us
Hey & dude..
You can even go in there & say something like: 'I don't want to hear solutions. I really am having a hard time doing this. I had to fight myself every step of the way but I know it's something I gotta' do..otherwise the program's been a lie & all my work on the steps is for naught'.. Tell them you just want to get it out. I think it will be such an incredible relief when you do. Don't create a barrier in your mind that's not real.
Hey, no one is above relapsing. If they are, they're not addicts. If they Believe they are..well, then, they're in a dangerous place, indeed. 'Pride goeth before a fall' -- I think it's cousin shame is in there, too :) Fight these self-defeating impulses & talk to them.
I'd also suggest that one of the reasons that you might not want to come clean w/ your group is that if you don't, it will allow you the continued option of using.
You say you want to get clean with him. Does this mean you two will be going to NA & talking?
You can even go in there & say something like: 'I don't want to hear solutions. I really am having a hard time doing this. I had to fight myself every step of the way but I know it's something I gotta' do..otherwise the program's been a lie & all my work on the steps is for naught'.. Tell them you just want to get it out. I think it will be such an incredible relief when you do. Don't create a barrier in your mind that's not real.
Hey, no one is above relapsing. If they are, they're not addicts. If they Believe they are..well, then, they're in a dangerous place, indeed. 'Pride goeth before a fall' -- I think it's cousin shame is in there, too :) Fight these self-defeating impulses & talk to them.
I'd also suggest that one of the reasons that you might not want to come clean w/ your group is that if you don't, it will allow you the continued option of using.
You say you want to get clean with him. Does this mean you two will be going to NA & talking?
I'll try annie but part of me just wants to walk away from everything and try to have a normal life with him
Warning, Danger!
Magical Thinking here: '..part of me just wants to walk away from everything & try to have a NORMAL Life with him'
Ok, I'd like to ask the other part of you -- (the one composed of your saner reasoning & strength) -- what it really believes life would be like for the two of you if simply 'walk away from everything'.
I understand the feeling of being exhausted spiritually & emotionally. I also understand the urge to run away from one's problems. The only thing is -- they go with you wherever you go, my friend & the harder you run -- the harder they redouble & grow.
Magical Thinking here: '..part of me just wants to walk away from everything & try to have a NORMAL Life with him'
Ok, I'd like to ask the other part of you -- (the one composed of your saner reasoning & strength) -- what it really believes life would be like for the two of you if simply 'walk away from everything'.
I understand the feeling of being exhausted spiritually & emotionally. I also understand the urge to run away from one's problems. The only thing is -- they go with you wherever you go, my friend & the harder you run -- the harder they redouble & grow.
My heart is breaking reading this. I don't have anything fancy to say. In fact I really don't know what to say that you haven't already heard. I pray you find your way back..that isn't love. I pray you realize that before it's too late.
Aww hey baby girl! I am so sorry that you're going through all of this. I admire your honesty and asking for help. I am here for you. Xoxo
COMMUNITY LEADER
You have spent so much time trying to validate your self worth thru a man and now look what happened. I hope and pray you figure this all out. This isnt even close to what love is~
I'm sad to read all of this Heather and I feel for you. Please listen to what everyone is saying and do the right thing. Many of us have been in similar relationships and know how this will play out...
It's brave of you to reach out here but you also need to reach out to someone near to you, like your sponsor. You need some help with this because you're just not thinking clearly and some folks with a lot of clean time have told you what you need to do. Please listen Heather.
It's brave of you to reach out here but you also need to reach out to someone near to you, like your sponsor. You need some help with this because you're just not thinking clearly and some folks with a lot of clean time have told you what you need to do. Please listen Heather.
Awe huni. You using with him is not going to make him love you or stay with you. When you came here two years ago you had been in the same kind of relationship. You are worth so much more. You are looking for love in all the wrong places. You have been working so hard on yourself and your recovery.
You deserve so much more. Please love yourself enough huni to put you and your recovery first. We love you heather and don't want to see you get hurt anymore.
You deserve so much more. Please love yourself enough huni to put you and your recovery first. We love you heather and don't want to see you get hurt anymore.
i just have a second sugardoll but i wanted to comment here as well to show you my support. i'm out to leave for a meeting mama and when i come back i want to hear that you did the same (i know its late there) or that you called someone ok? i'll be back later and ill check on yas baby. i know you love him and i understand that but who comes first? thas right baby. YOU DO!
<3 ♥ <3
i love you & im here for you
Meegy
<3 ♥ <3
i love you & im here for you
Meegy
Oh Girl Friend!
I just want to really Ditto all the Above. A few said some things that I would of said. Annie, Debbie, Sarah, Vicki and also Msdelight might have hit something. I also agree somewhat with Jifmoc as she did not sugar coat this.
I would like to add a few things on here. I too have watched you grow on here. I have seen you come in and take all your time back because of smoking a joint or taking some diet pill or something..THAT showed such honesty on here. YOU also know that some of us know about some of the things you did to yourself in the past..(physically). I do not want to say it out on the post..This is what worries me the most..YOU have also lost family & friends and your Dog lately like I did and others on here during our recovery.
I think you need to UP and re-arrange some of your Support system here. YOU have always been looking for Love since day one. LOVE will be there if it is Suppose too. TRUST in your God!! YOU know you do not have to use to keep him, in fact I think it would me the other way..Ha! KEEP!!! We do not keep anybody. Love is Trusting and Communication and the best friend you can have. Love is what keeps the Brain charged up. The Spirit flowing. Maybe YOU both need some one on one counseling. We go out and use for many reason and you of all people know this. Hardship, Depression, Life throwing that curve ball and on & on, but maybe this is the Time to look at other avenues toward your Recovery.
Girl do not worry about what they will say at the meetings. As mentioned above they do not toss rocks at you for this. They will reach out to you with loving open arms, as they do care.
I too could say so much more, but I will leave at this. I will be sending you a Big Hug with a Moose Kiss on the Cheek. I will be praying for you and him. WE all are only Human...DO NOT PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO ON A GUILT TRIP!!! Dust those Boots off and Tie them strings and start a walking forward and up one more time!! lol
Bless U always Dear
Vickie
PS..CHIN UP! Be proud of who YOU are and only YOU right now!
I just want to really Ditto all the Above. A few said some things that I would of said. Annie, Debbie, Sarah, Vicki and also Msdelight might have hit something. I also agree somewhat with Jifmoc as she did not sugar coat this.
I would like to add a few things on here. I too have watched you grow on here. I have seen you come in and take all your time back because of smoking a joint or taking some diet pill or something..THAT showed such honesty on here. YOU also know that some of us know about some of the things you did to yourself in the past..(physically). I do not want to say it out on the post..This is what worries me the most..YOU have also lost family & friends and your Dog lately like I did and others on here during our recovery.
I think you need to UP and re-arrange some of your Support system here. YOU have always been looking for Love since day one. LOVE will be there if it is Suppose too. TRUST in your God!! YOU know you do not have to use to keep him, in fact I think it would me the other way..Ha! KEEP!!! We do not keep anybody. Love is Trusting and Communication and the best friend you can have. Love is what keeps the Brain charged up. The Spirit flowing. Maybe YOU both need some one on one counseling. We go out and use for many reason and you of all people know this. Hardship, Depression, Life throwing that curve ball and on & on, but maybe this is the Time to look at other avenues toward your Recovery.
Girl do not worry about what they will say at the meetings. As mentioned above they do not toss rocks at you for this. They will reach out to you with loving open arms, as they do care.
I too could say so much more, but I will leave at this. I will be sending you a Big Hug with a Moose Kiss on the Cheek. I will be praying for you and him. WE all are only Human...DO NOT PACK YOUR BAGS AND GO ON A GUILT TRIP!!! Dust those Boots off and Tie them strings and start a walking forward and up one more time!! lol
Bless U always Dear
Vickie
PS..CHIN UP! Be proud of who YOU are and only YOU right now!
I came on here to be honest because secrets eat me up I did tell a couple people who wanna take me to meetings and help me be safe, i dont know if I am ready
im scared and I now have 1 day clean I cant seem to get more than that since the post
i feel lost
im scared and I now have 1 day clean I cant seem to get more than that since the post
i feel lost
Hi Heather. I'm so happy to see you on here. You have one day...that. Is. Awesome. We all have to start at one day.
I remember my sponsor used to ask me if I could stay clean til midnite. She never asked if I could stay clean for the next week or month. That doesn't exist. We don't have to worry about that. Hell, I can promise I will stay clean thru tonite, but that's all I promise. And I don't have to promise one more minute than that.
Can you stay clean for the next hour? I'm serious, literally, one more hour, does that seem like too much? If so, how about the next 30 minutes?
You are on here. You are reaching out. You ARE doing it.
I remember my sponsor used to ask me if I could stay clean til midnite. She never asked if I could stay clean for the next week or month. That doesn't exist. We don't have to worry about that. Hell, I can promise I will stay clean thru tonite, but that's all I promise. And I don't have to promise one more minute than that.
Can you stay clean for the next hour? I'm serious, literally, one more hour, does that seem like too much? If so, how about the next 30 minutes?
You are on here. You are reaching out. You ARE doing it.
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