Feeling the sadness...

[mamaof4410]

Well Ive been MIA for a little while but still doing good as far as staying clean. 69 Days! Better than 68 and worse than 70. Taking it day by day and every time I start to feel that craving for my enemy I change my thoughts and just tell myself one day it will go away...heroin is the best worst drug in the world. Ive slowly been getting my life back on track. My husband and I are doing amazing. My kids have been doing better in school because things are ao much more stable. But now that I have been working the steps and coming to terms with the bad things ive done I realize how much I hurt the people that I love and that love me unconditionally.  Im trying to forgive the people in my past that have hurt me and one positive thing...I have forgiven my mother. She is still an addict till this day but I know realize I am the only person that can control my destiny and by the grace of God I WILL NOT BE a heroin user for the rest of my life. I cannot bash her for what she is and I cannot change her.  But I do know I do not want to make the same choices. Im trying so hard to remember I am human and I have asked for forgiveness if they cant forgive me I will one day accept it because im still sober. It hurts the most looking at my husband and my kids knowing the time I wasted being high. It hurts. Bad. Something I never thought I'd have to feel. I cried to my husband earlier today and I told him I feel like I dont deserve my family. He hugged me and said yes you do because of the love we share. This is the longest I have ever been clean. And for some reason this time feels different. Like so many bad things happened and its not worth going back. I just feel so guilty and I know feeling guilty will not get me anywhere. I still get looked down upon by my mother in law and I have so much anger towards her for the things she said and did to me. To her its all about the fact I used. She called me a "druggie" and it broke my heart because im trying so hard to do this for myself and my family and her calling me that just really hurt. They have no idea what its like everyday. And with everything that I have learned heroin is one of the hardest drugs to kick. Its a battle everyday. And so far im winning. I know im going on and on but I cant tell my husband all of this because he is not an addict.
I feel like everyone is going to look down upon me and not trust me because of my past. And it took a lot for me to come out and tell the truth. It was embarrassing. Im trying to make things right and it hurts that people think im a bad person. I trust to easy and I give to much. I have so much empathy for people no matter what they have done wrong.
I was reading the Time Magazine and they ran a whole issue on Kurt Cobain. My husband told me I shouldn't be reading that because of his addiction and I told him I feel sad for him because he felt so alone in his depression and his heroin use that he  felt he had no other way out. I want to help people like me. And tell them there is a brighter day and the pain will go away and it does get better of you work for it. I know how im feeling is normal I just dont want this sadness to steal my glory...love and God Bless all of you.

[mamaof4410]

I agree. When my husband told her what was going on her response was "dont be stupid this is your chance to take the kids and run" like did she not have a clue of what that would've done to me?! How could she say something so selfish when I was basically in a fight for my life. She told him I needed to be alone and go to rehab. Being alone was the last thing I needed. I would've gotten so depressed it would've ended very ugly. Im thankful for where I am today. I know that I cant change anyone but myself. And im doing that.
I try to have patience for people that dont understand addiction. They fear the unknown. My husband doesnt understand but he tries to be supportive. And if I tell him the craving is kicking in hell try to make things as calm as possible or get me out of the house. I never know when a craving is coming. This is my second time kicking heroin. The first time I was back on pills after a month. But clean from heroin for a year and two months. This time im completely clean. I havent even taken an aspirin. I dont know what im doing differently...I guess its just my thought process but its working:)

[jerry4664]

Great job on 69 you are on your way to a new life and let me tell you " MONSTER IN LAWS" can kick rocks for all I care I have a terrible one but oh well just prove everyone worng you can change and only a "Druggie" knows how hard it is to stand tall after being looked down upon for so long but we all can change you are doing a great job and if your man and kids are proud of you thats what counts right now and in time others will get on board and if not you really dont need them..

[Krisjj]

I admire you. For real, like I have never been completely off anything. If it was weed, or another drug, it was something the Dr. gave me. I am trying, but it *****. I don't want to be a work, I am alone, I want to be free like you. Congrats.

[mamaof4410]

I love reading all of the positive words. It takes a lot of bravery to be open about something so personal and then to be judged like they have done no wrong is sad. They are no better than me...I told my husband im letting it go and she can call me the day she walks on water. Until then I have no time for the negative nonsense. Yesterday was a bad day...emotionally. I didn't know where else to turn but here. I

[Amandag78]

Great advice from the heart guys : )
You will be fine beautiful girl, you have us xx

[breezytoo]

  Sorry I don't know why I missed the other comments, I thought it was ViCourageous speaking. I am sorry guys!

[breezytoo]

  Honey I love you too and thanks for being there for me so much! I appreciate your support believe me! Education on the scienticfic aspect of the addict brain is vital to understanding us. Don't pay any attention to the hater and doubters. They have not walked in our path. You are on your journey Vic and it is a very worthy one!! Good luck on your self realization journey. It will be a bumpy road at times but sooo worth it. Beats dieing inside!! Carry on sunshine, and love yourself to pieces!!! Peace to you. Love D.

[Gettingalifeagain]

Being honest is difficult for sure....my employer knows of my addiction, and even though I let him down many days by just not showing up for work, he still had faith in me, and kept giving me chances.  I would show up for work hammered, and he would give me a ride home.  Now he knows of my opiate addiction....sadly, whenever I get my paycheque from him, he makes a joke and says, now don't be going to any drug dealers with this cheque!!!!  Sometimes I'm sorry that I disclosed this to him.  Same with his partner, when she pays me, she says with a wink, now dont be spending this where you shouldn't....geez.  I just suck it up and know that every day I show up for work in my right mind is enough for me.  

[VICourageous]

We have a Disease. I just hate it when people say things. Just like if you said you have Cancer..You will get all kinds of different reply's or such..
What I did was I picked up a few Videos about this Disease and the Brain..I also went on a mission to learn all I can about the Map of the Brain. Maybe pick up some paper work on all of this or some Videos..Have your Family watch or read all about this in a Logical Scientific way. I did put in a few pieces of info in my Journal..One is the "Nature of Addiction" and the other is the "Pleasure Pathway beyond Willpower". All of this sure did help my Family understand more and they gave me the Support I so needed & still need..
Please Do Not pack your Bags and go on a quilt trip. I hate that people will judge or think they are better..I just tell them that he/she who has no Sin then cast that first stone. Have Patience and maybe they will come around but right now YOU just keep Focusing on YOU..Drama & Stress are 2 Big Red Flags for us. I wish you the best and maybe get that info..Right now you can take a peak if you like at my Journal and read some.
CONGRATULATIONS on Your Clean time so far..keep on pushing.
Bless

[mamaof4410]

Thank you. Thats the same way my in laws are acting. Like they dont believe people can change. Yes I know as a heroin user (EX) the odds are against us. But theyre are a few of us that do stay clean and live normal lives. In some ways I dont want things to be better between us because she talked so bad about me behind my back beforw this came out and I just dont want to be apart of it again. Id rather just keep my distance. I dont want to give her anymore ammo. She tells my husband  things about me and he ignores her but it still hurts.Like leave it alone already. My husband says he doesnt care about what anyone says or thinks. I have to say hes my rock.
I want to be normal again without this stigma. In some ways it makes me wish I would've tried to get clean alone. I came out because I knew id fail for the millionth time if I didnt have support. I honestly thought about suicide because I felt like what's the point when all im doing is hurting everyone around me. Id loom in the mirror high as a kite and think this is what I have become. It was sad. Its like when we hit our rock bottom we are depressed from doing the drug we started to take us out of our original depression. I am so much happier sober and doing things right. It feels good when my husband gives me a few dollars to buy myself something. My husband works and before I had all the control of the money which was why it was so easy to make is disappear. So now he maintains it and if I need something or want something I just mention it and we go get it. So little by little the trust is coming back. I just want to get over this hump.  Also I drink soda like crazy. If I dont have soda I get that nasty heroin taste in my mouth and I hate it. I snorted never injected. So when I crave I get a weird feeling in my throat also. Its horrible. So I have a new best friend lol carbonated drinks

[Amandag78]

Hey there, congratulations on 69 days clean!!!
Its funny how much our kids change when we do, ive noticed the same thing.

My mother in law and father in law were my best friends till i told them of my heroin addiction. Automatically, they cut me off, treated me like i was the lowest thing on earth, acted like i was a thief, called me a lier, and it hurt so bad, no support at all from them. It took me 3 years to build up the courage to tell them, because i wanted to be honest with them. Well i copped it for 2 years of them hating me. Then i got clean and we are back to best friends again. How they could just turn their backs on me when i was trying to be honest, still hurts me to this day. They didnt understand addiction and didnt know how a person could live their life that way.
People will always judge people and although it is not fair and should not be acceptable, they always will.
Ever heard the saying " Its none of my business what people think of me ", that helps me a lot when i feel judged.
Also, most heroin addicts are very sweet people with a lot of sympathy towards people and like to try and heal the world.
So unless a person has a heroin addiction, they will never truely understand how humane we really are.
As you said, they just see the word
" druggie " and thats all they want to know.
But when we make drastic changes to heal ourself, people do notice. Give your mother in law time. Your doing this for you, not her anyway.
Kurt Cobain was a musical god to me, i drifted off to another world with his words.
Yes, he had a dark side of addiction and i believe he tried many times to quit heroin unsuccessfully.
His music was beautiful and so unique.
My brother who idolised him, still believes to this day, Kurt was sitting on the floor way too high on smack, cleaning a loaded gun with a song he had written on paper, not a suicide note. Now i understand a few weeks ago, the case has been re-opened.
Anyway, we all know exactly what you are going through, but very soon you will be at 3 months where things are soposed to be a lot more bearable. Your doing really well
          : )

[mamaof4410]

Yes I see a counselor 3 times a week. I tried to NA and sad to say a lot of the men there were perverts and it didnt make me feel comfortable. They assumed because I was a heroin addict that I was a prostitute...wrong. every story is different. So a drug addiction counselor is helping me work the steps and this is working for me so im sticking with this. It angers me because my mother in law plays the victim and if you tell her where she was wrong and what hurt you she makes it all about her. She doesnt accept any responsibility for her actions

[Merri123]

You are doing so good and have come do far in this short time. Do to beat yourself up. You can't change your past - only your present and future. And you are going that. You have such a wonderful husband. And family. You can't change what others say - you can only prove them wrong until they realize you are not that person anymore.

You have come this far you can keep going. Who cares what your mother in law says. Ok you do but don't let it set you back. Your husband loves you very much. And your children. That is what matters.

Are you going to meetings at all?