don't know where to go...

[Panina4324]

I've been on narcotics since 1994 when diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. I apologize for any typos but I am doing this by voice because I'm running a fever and can't type, I have a very bad infection as well as a single right now. For 17 years my doctors have prescribed narcotics for me...started with vicodin then percocet then kept increasing as I got sicker and sicker over the years from radiation poisoning and I just had my 16 surgery which was my second open heart surgery for valve disease due to radiation and chemotherapy. At one point was on 360 milligrams of MS Contin three times a day Plus up to 20 15 milligram MSIR, plus my Dr had standing orders for Demerol/Vistaril 150/75, and could have 2 injections a day.  I actually took myself off the MS Contin once all on my own, yes from:over 1000 milligrams a day but I did it. I've been on every kind of pain medication you can imagine both narcotic and medications like lyrica,neurontin...I think you get the message. I was able to use a TENS unit until my open heart surgeries but have a pacemaker now so is no longer an option. I switched doctors about five years ago and he got me off of all of these medications bite weaning through a place called the Courage Center that deals with patients in extreme pain that have chronic pain syndrome and want off the drugs.  they consider me to be one of their best patients organization accomplishments.  about a year ago, shortly after my second open heart surgery, a so called friend started giving me oxycontin, the one narcotic I've never been on.  next thing I knew I'm on 360 mg a day with 30 mg IR, up to 10 a day. I can't stop, I can't do the cold turkey like I have in the past always against doctors orders but this is different because doctors did not prescribe medication and the so-called friend now charges me for the medication at $1 per milligram, is wiping me out not only mentally, physically, spiritually but financially as well. I don't know where to turn. I don't know anything about whrte to go to detox, nor do I want to go into treatment but will if only alternative.  The only kind of addiction specialist I can find that will help is one that doesn't wean but puts you on suboxone or methadone which I do not want at all. I don't want to put a bandaid on it, I just want of it regardless of the pain I will suffer with for the rest of my life. I want to tell my doctor so badly but am afraid SSD will cut me off and he will never trust me again. Is there anybody that can offer me some advice, please? The name of a place, the name of a doctor, how to go about finding somebody that will help me and not want my medical records to prove that a doctor has been prescribing the medications because I can't do that since one hasn't. I've started to detox three times in the last month and every single time something comes up medically related that stops me from continuing and right nowI have the shingles, a kidney infection as well as my INR being very high so I need to go in for bloodwork every few days and when I detox I can't get out of bed for days and the few times I've done it on my own against doctors orders I was in bed literally for over two weeks. I desperately need to get to the hospital for this blood work to make sure my blood isn't too thin or thick from being on blood thinners.I've never had more he's fighting help with something that is such an epidemic you would think it would be easy to find help. What kind of doctor should I be looking for other than one that wants to put me on suboxone or methadone. Where do I find a doctor that will we me on a schedule will be safe for my heart,and all my other health issues. I just want to detox,  the sooner and the faster the better, I just want to start living. I bought a condo two summers ago and I adopted a pitbull, a staffordshireso he was smaller and very easy to take care of and handle and was the love of my life. My first summer in my new home and city was the best I've had in 15 years at least. He died suddenly and horribly October of 2011 but he got me into such good shape that summer that we were walking up to 7 miles a day, without the use of narcotics. I adopted a puppy, a big mistake butI love her dearly and want to keep her so badly but she's only been with me for 7 of the 15 months I've had her because of the surgery and other health issues constantly going on. With the weather in Minnesota its been a blessing actually because I fell down six times the first big snow storm we had and hurt myself badly but I just want to bring her home and to start living my life again and I can't seem to find help no matter where I look on the internet. This is all new to me because doctors have always been at the helm so to speak but they are the reason I'm here to begin with. Will I ever be able to live without?any advice at all would be greatly appreciated. I have all of the medication I need to detox at home. I don't have catapress but I do have Clonidine, hydroxyzine, lorazapam, alprazolam, smoke if I need it but prefer not to, potassium calm a prescription strengthis there anything else that will help me? As far as medications, vitamins, herbal remedies although I need to be very careful send I take warfarin (just like Coumadin).  my dad has been my biggest support since day one, my mom died when I was six so is he with both mom and dad to me and I really have nobody else for support order to stay with me and help me. I'm desperate and need help. I've never been one to ask for help nor am I good at it but I really appreciate anybody that's taken the time to read this and with so appreciate any advice, insight...the name of a doctor or clinic that could help. I'm on Medicare so there isn't much choice for me. If I had private insurance I'd be just fine. How expensive is a detox facility or treatment in a not so bad place. What I really prefer is working out of a doctors office and am willing to work with a therapist because I think I need one, I really believe I suffer from PTSD and know I have severe anxiety, and probably clinical depression. Thanks again. I just want to bring my little girl home and to start working on getting strong and healthy again but can't do it spending almost $400 a day. I'm so disgusted with myself and don't know how I got here except a person that I thought was a friend knew exactly what he was doing and is now living like a king while I'm losing everything including my mind, health.  even more so than it was prior. I don't want to lose my doctors trust in me and I made a mistake but it only took a matter of days before I was physically dependent once again. I've never wanted to be on these medications to get high which I know most people are in the same boat as I am and it doesn't really matter why or how people start taking these medications. I refuse to judge and hope nobody judges me either. Bless you all and I wish you the very best in your recovery and hope maybe you can help me get on the road to a full recovery for me.  :(   :)  thsnk u!!!!
♥
Panina

[vicki595]

Hi there- a little therapy and guidance never hurts...Also, a counsellor would be an excellent resource for what you're looking for.

Mostly I just want to offer my support to you. The only suggestion I have is the same as the others: you should discuss this with your medical doctor. It's just not prudent for any of us to make a recommendation about anything related to detox except, I will say, I don't think you should detox on your own at all.  Your doctor sounds like a good man and I'm sure he's seen and heard it all.  He's really who you need to turn to here.  Maybe you need to be on pain med to begin with?   You can talk all about this with him; he knows you the best.  

[Panina4324]

I forgot to mention that my dad passed away 4 days after I was discharged. Not that it seems is what's going on it certainly changes the dynamic of my life and my support because he was my number one fan and best friend and we take care of each other for 18 years. He had leukemia, prostate cancer and CHF but ultimately died of a stroke, couldn't follow anymore so he died of starvation because I signed a DNR.this is all very recent and right around the time my so called friend started offering medications to me. Prior to this I would have said no in a New York second. Anyway, just needed to add that information about my dad because I know it's playing a big role and maybe I do need is therapist for sure, but I really don't think I need treatment.  however, I'm not the expert am I???!!!!

[Panina4324]

I forgot to mention that my dad passed away 4 days after I was discharged. Not that it seems is what's going on it certainly changes the dynamic of my life and my support because he was my number one fan and best friend and we take care of each other for 18 years. He had leukemia, prostate cancer and CHF but ultimately died of a stroke, couldn't follow anymore so he died of starvation because I signed a DNR.this is all very recent and right around the time my so called friend started offering medications to me. Prior to this I would have said no in a New York second. Anyway, just needed to add that information about my dad because I know it's playing a big role and maybe I do need is therapist for sure, but I really don't think I need treatment.  however, I'm not the expert am I???!!!!

[Panina4324]

Thank you so much for your kib d words and encouragement. I will consider your advice, believe me I've thought about speaking to my doctor about this many times and am just very afraid of how he's going to react.  He's such a decent man and an amazing doctor and has helped me through so much including the death of my father and my brother being diagnosed with bladder cancer Christmas Eve day and my brother is also bipolar with schizo affective disorder so like I mentioned, I'm really without any support... Family or friendship wise. Do you know anything about detox facilities? Do you know how to find a doctor that will help wean you off of narcotics? My doctor always send me too the place I was speaking of but they won't help me know because a doctors didn't prescribe the medication to begin with.thank you again for making me feel much better than I deserve but I have been through more than anybody should have to, I'm only 49 years old and have lost the best years of my life, 90% , easily 90%...of my friendsand have never been more alone or lonely in my life. I'm actually very concerned about my mental state of being which I've never been in my entire life. I've always been a fighter but I'm just ready to go to sleep and stay asleep. Don't get the wrong idea please!!!!... but I don't want to hurt myself take my life.  I've fought way too hard and wait to live to do something stupid like that. my doctor is extremely compassionate but does not like to deal with narcotics in any way. This is why I got off the high doses of morphine and Demerol to begin withto begin with because he didn't want to prescribe. I've just never had so much trouble trying to get help. I've called so many clinics and all they want to do is put me on suboxonee or methadone...or pain clinics that want you to come in once a week as put you through agonizing psin, giving injections and with nerve blocks. I went to 1 and when they couldn't access in IV site they basically just sent home and told me not to come back unless I had an IV in place. Basically want you to keep coming back to keep them in the green. I'm actually considering hiring a service for home care for about a month so I have somebody that can take me to my lab tests, md visits, do grocery shopping which would basically just be getting cases of water and imodium or whatever I would need as far as that goes and just make sure I'm OK every day.do you have any suggestions as far as something to help with sleep other than ambien or lunesta. Maybe something like melatonin or passion flower?  my goal right now more than anything would be to find a detox and I am wondering how many days are you in there for and how long does it take until you start feeling like a human being, lets a good enough to take my dog for a walk. Do you have any idea? Thank you again so much for taking the time to read. Its such a condensed version of my life without the worst of it even in there and all I've been through. I've died twice in the last 6 years on the table and came very close with my mitral valve ruptured. Had a bilateral pneumonia and needed to be intubated so they put me into a drug induced coma and 11 days later I woke up to find out my dad had a severe UTI and was in the ICU with me and we went to transitional care together although his dementia has gone from maybe a 1 to a 10, and didn't know who I was anymore and really never had a chance to say goodbye. He kept telling me how his daughter died and the next day he would think that I had abandoned him.  It  literally broke my heart.  I have an appointment with my doctor on Tuesday and I have all the medication I need as long as I give this so called friend the money but you wouldn't believe how much I've burned through in the last 7 months. It's absolutely disgusting and very sad to see somebody with MS take advantage of somebody that's been through as much as I have or anybody else for that matter. I'm just really angry at the whole world right now and very frustrated that I can't find one place that does detox that isn't a toilet in the area I live. Thanks again for all your time and for sharing and helping. It mean the world to me, I can't even begin to tell you. Best of luck to you! Panina

[FourJays]

Hi Panina and welcome - so glad you found this site.  What a story, you have been through so much and yet still sound so determined and strong; I am in awe of you.  I agree with 10356 that your best bet is to talk to your doctor.  Just be honest - you certainly did not choose to be in this situation.  You mentioned that you don't like to ask for help and that is commendable; especially given all you are dealing with here, but this is what your doctor is here for.  He or she knows about your physical conditions and limitations and is really the person best suited to advise as to how to proceed safely.  Please don't feel bad about yourself - the only "disgusting" thing here in my opinion is the so called "friend" now "living like a king" that gave you the oxycontin in the first place.  And don't worry about the judging thing either - wont ever happen here.  Hang in there........
Julie

[10356]

Hello Panina... Welcome to the forum.. Wow you sure have a lot going on and You sure have overcome a lot. You may not see this but I see you as a very Strong individual.. Your Spirit must shine very bright when fired up ! My suggestion would be to be honest with your  Dr. Many that have been thru a lot less then you have become addicted prescribed our not.. with all your medical issues we really could not in good conscious tell you to taper our quit without a Dr. on board at least this is my Personal feelings... I sure would love to see you free of this burden.. If you Need meds now seriously open up to your Dr. this is what they are here for to help us... others will be along for support I will be sending a prayer for you tonight that the Creator guides you to make the right decision for yourself.. lesa