Really, really scared.

[kjbriggsy]

I am 21 years old and was a painkiller/ heroin addict since i was 16. I struggled for years with debilitating anxiety to the point where when it was bad i was a prisoner in my own house, locked in my room for months at a time. When the anxiety wasnt a problem, i was a star athlete and a straight A student. I was severly injured during a softball game spending quite some time in the hospital where i was introduced to the world of opiates. It was almost imediate that i realized the oxy's not only made me feel great but totaly took away my anxiety. Zero panic attacks, no depression- it seemed like a different, wonderful world and man was i wrong. Just three years ater i was a college drop out with a fix for any opiate i could get my hands on. (sorry i just felt compelled to give my history before the concern i have). So, i made the choice to put myself in rehab which is where I was started on Suboxone. Started on 24mg everyday for 6 months. I am now on 16mg everyday. A very high dose, i know. when i was put on i had no education of the drug other than it's "miracle" effects. Until now I made myself believe that. i had worked my way up into a very successful career in an amazing relationship i really had my life together again. well, i got laid off two days ago, no health insurance, no income, and only 6 pills left. i am terrified and feel helpless. my doctor turned his back on me, my sponser is just saying it wil be alright, but it wont be. i still get cravings now and again and i oly have a few pills so tapering is not really an option. the w/ds are not what i am most afraid of...i know that i am going to end up in a relapse if i dont find help before this happens. i am depressed and scared. does anyone know of any help in the philadelphia area? any advice at all is appreciated. i am so freaking scared and i feel hopless...i dont want to lose everything i have worked so hard for... :'(

-me.

[kjbriggsy]

thank you for the responses. i really feel like i am on the verge of a big disaster. i go to n/a and it helps a little but its hard to relate to people in their 40s and 50s eho have families and jobs and know a lot of people have lost those things through their addictions but i feel so alone. both my parents are both addicts. actually there is only one member of my family who isnt, a cousin who lives on the other side of the country. my partner doesnt undertand why i am so scared. she is supportive but she doesnt get it and is sometimes cold and judgmental about it so i just shut down.  i went to a local health clinic and the only option they gave me was the methadone clinic- with that i just laughed, i might as well just go back to the dope cuz methadone is just as bad.*sigh* i have to get a job to stay above water but how do i do that going through wd's?! ugh..im sorry i know i soun so pathetic, but im just being honest...

[snowflake620]

Don't give in to the demons in your head right now,they are temporary believe me.many of us are struggling with no job ,no money ,fear of loosing our home but you can't give in to that.It will get better.Try 5htp and L-theanine for your anxiety and depression they are over the counter amino acids you can get them at Wal-mart or GNG.Does any one else know about your problem? It really does help to talk to someone.Have you tried your local health services agency?I don't know if they can help but may be they can steer you in the right direction
snowflake

[RoscoM]

There must be somewhere you can get help with out health insurance.  No?
I totally feel for you.  I'm  not sure cause i'm from Canada.
It just pisses me off that things like this can happen.  You have to stay strong and keep it together. Spread the pills you have left out as long as you can. Talk yourself in to believing you can do it!!! Incorporate the Thomas recipe where you can. Bananas for potasium take a multi vitamin hot baths when you feel achy.
Also you used to be a great athlete, so exercise and go for power walks any time you feel weak or even when you feel good!!
Stay calm, don't freak out!!
You can do this......believe in yourself !
Ross