Day 5 with no hydros

[longroadtorecovery]

I was taking 10-15 750's a day for about 8 years.  I am a mom to six kids and have a wonderful husband.  My childhood was centered around AA.  My father got sober when I was 4.  Pre-Alateen and Alateen were a weekly part of my life and as soon as dad saw signs that I was going down a bad road he threw me into two rehabs before I was 17 and meetings galore.  I knew better.  After I realized I was addicted every pill was a reminder that I was just a low life junkie and that I couldn't do this forever.  There was a hard realization this last christmas when I put my kids christmas on credit cards so that I could have the cash to feed my habit.  I would have forgone their christmas if I had to so that I didn't withdraw.  PATHETIC!!  I have become a shell of my former self and for the first time ever I had to realize that those nasty things were literally sucking the life out of me day by day.  My husband does not know that I have continued to take pills.  He thinks that I quit years ago.  My husband also does not believe in me going to meetings alone, he wants to go with me so I refuse to go.  Its my program and if I can't go alone I don't want to go at all.  I come here and lurk often cause it's really the only "meetings" I get.  
I'm feeling good today and my resolve is strong.  I can look at myself in the mirror today and kinda smile and be proud. I keep reminding myself that it only gets better from here and I am not a slave to those little white devils today at this minute.  I can be proud of my accomplishment today even if I am proud alone.  Today I can look at my children and know that their best interests are in my heart instead of my worst interests.  Today is a good day and for the first time in years I am genuinely happy to be alive!  
Thank you all for being here.  Even though you didn't know it you all were a big part in my decision and who I am going to become.  It's a long hard road but I'm still here trudging because of people like you!  

[cleanmom]

I feel for you in so many ways. I too feel so alone in my addiction/recovery. I do not have one addict or alcoholic in my family so no one understands this which makes it so hard for me. Some days i just want to scream at the top of my lungs. Anyways, congrats on five days, that is awesome and i am proud for both of us. God Bless.
Luv,
Jacky

[Calamity2]

I know guilt about money spent on the habit too. We had to refinance our home and it could have easily been paid off years ago had I not had to buy so many oxy during my script run out time of hydro.   What about all the time we stole from our familys and ourselves.
I'm so glad you have found the forum I know it helped save my life too. Of course life is NOT a rose garden but it's sure nicer without those demons.

[Jebs317]

Wow........reading your story was exactly like reading about myself.  I was taking the same thing and pretty much the same amount.  I completely understand about the Christmas horror.  I did the same thing.  I think that's when my guilt really started to kick in and ever since December I haven't been able to catch up on my bills.  I just got so sick and tired of being broke and to have nothing to show for it but an empty pill bottle.  It consumes our life....doesn't it?  I would spend so much time and energy on making sure that I wouldn't run out that I would blow off everything else.  
You are strong......you made the right choice.  It does feel great to be back to your old self again....I smiled at myself too in the mirror, for the first time in years.  
I think that's what's so amazing about this forum.  Last weekend when I went Cold Turkey, I felt so alone and I stumbled across this and people have taken me under their wings and really helped.  Hearing someone else say that they know how I feel is exactly what got me through.
Day 5 was when I started to feel good....I am now at day 9 and feel even better.  Still a little fuzzy, but I feel like myself again.
I am really proud of us and everyone on here!!  Keep it up!
K