Day 4 after a bunch of failures

[Windstorm75]

Hi everyone

I've done this too many times. I don't want to use anymore. It's going on one year now since I got myself hooked up with oxy, and I need this to be it. Some of you may remember my fears about withdrawl, trouble w anxiety. Well I did it to myself again and again. I thought I was done for good back in may, but only made it about 3 weeks. Then clean for a week or two, then used for a a week, and on and on. I lied to my therapist a few times and told her I wasn't using. This last time I used for about 5 days, then stopped for 5, then used for 13 days straight and had my last on Wednesday at 9 am. Nothing since. So I've got 3 days clean and starting day 4 right now. I told my therapist - actually broke down and cried when telling her - I told my closest friend - and now I figured I would say it in here. I just can't do this again. It wreaks havoc on my body and mind. The anxiety always gets me for a few days and then starts to go away. I just don't listen to myself. I have a million reasons to not use. And I'm on my own. I cannot go to meetings as I have a time demanding job and when I'm not here my home life is very busy with kids and stuff. I barely have time for my therapist.  

Just venting - thanks for listening.

[Windstorm75]

We count clean time from the last time we used right? Crazy how long 4 days can take. I think what is now weird for me is I can remember being on here a year ago, using such a low amount, and absolutely freaking out about withdrawls, which weren't that bad back then when I stopped. Everyone told me, take the opportunity to stop now while you can before it gets worse. Yup, doesn't listen. And here I am a year later, recognizing most of your screen names, not scared per se of withdrawls cause I know them well, and watching new people come on with the same stuff I had a year ago. Most of everyone on here is very similar to each other in many ways, its crazy we don't always take each others advice.

Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a tighter knit community than this one, online or off.

[CKN30]

I was the same way. It is gonna take your body and mind time to heal. So yes snappy is normal for sure :)

[Windstorm75]

Thanks guys. I woke up this morning  and felt a little better. But not as good as last night for whatever reason. I want to be clean for many reasons of course but one was for my wife and kids. Man am I grumpy. I'm snapping at everyone. That's not the me they want for sure. Is having a short fuse normal?

[Bkitty2]

You made great progress just in that step of admitting it to your therapist. Remember secrets keep us sick as Sarah says. So that was a huge breakthrough. Also what is important is you keep trying. That is Ok. We all stumble but keep trying and not giving up will help get you back on tract. keep posting and tell us how you are feeling. Be proud that you came clean with everyone. That was a huge step. Its ok to ask for help. ((hugs))

[meegWpaw]

hey windstorm i remember you.  that's great your on day four of being clean!!!  congrats, that is awesome!  yes anxiety and wds are hard but as you said you can get through it, and it will ease up or pass entirely, at least in cycles.  i understand how hard it can be to work a program with a demanding schedule, just want to underline how important it is to put your recovery first!  that's what has helped me ... you can do this!

[ImInAwe]

Congratss man! That sounds like me.. I'd go a couple days, then get back to pills, then stop, then go, and that's what I've been doing for the past 4 years! Stop now, before you let another year go by. I'm on day 5 clean after almost 9 years of using. I'm right there with you. I want this to be my last time too. It sounds like your doing really good as far as a foundation for recovery. It's hard to do when you work and have kids, thats why I used. I wanted energy to succeed at those things, but it always just set me up for failure. PM me if you want to talk! The first few days are always rough for me, and socializing and talking seem to help.

[Windstorm75]

Thanks CK! Congrats on almost 3 weeks too! I sent you a pm.

[CKN30]

When it's all you got you gotta make it work! I am 3 weeks clean Tuesday! So of I can be of any assistance let me know! I am a nurse with a psych. Minor so I may have some beneficial information plus been and going through what you are :)

[Windstorm75]

Thanks guys - I'm def shooting for this to be the last time, obviously. But I'm switching things up and making this place my meetings. It's all I got too!

[CKN30]

Most of us have been in your shoes. The first step is recognizing you have the problem, you are very aware. That is awesome that you told a few very close people. I had tried and failed in the past, when I broke down and told my mom and best friend I knew it was "real". My life is crazy like yours, I can't even get off work on time much less hit up a meeting. So this place has become my meetings, it's all I got! You have a therapist and now some good friends on board. Sounds like you have laid the foundation but now you have to find what is going to work for you as an individual and make it stick this time :) here if ya need me!

[Brightfutureahead]

Hey Windstorm. Love the screen name. We've all been there. I remember feeling so hopeless. Hang in there buddy. I truely do believe every time we try to quit, even if we don't get it right, it is a step in the right direction.

That being said, what are you going to do differently this time?  I remember I kept doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  When I finally quit and stayed quit, it was because I listened to the advice of others and switched things up. I removed all access to pills. I saw a therapist (I know you're already doing that) who eventually helped me figure out which meetings would work for me, and I told my secret to a few close friends and family to hold me more accountable.  Once I realized I couldn't do it alone, I got better.