Tram - Relapse

[BanTheTram]

So I was taking 10-15 tramadol every day for about 3-4 months.  Got off for a few weeks and of course thought I could just take it on occasions without getting addicted again.  So now I have been taking 7-10 every two to three days.  I find myself waiting till the third day to see if my body is hooked, since that was the worst day the last time I detoxed.  Fortunately, I havent been as bad as before so the physical withdrawls might not be as bad.

However, I find the hardest part is constantly thinking about taking them.  Its like if I have a social event, I feel I need to take them in order to have fun.  I can usually stay off them if I just stay in my house and be a hermit, a depressed one at that.  I also notice my moods changing daily.  It is such an internal mind struggle.  I know I should probably search out for some type of meetings.  But I recently took a job overseas, and I leave in a month.  In a way I am hoping that will help me start over and get off this crap.  Its just hard to learn to be happy without the need of chemicals.

Sorry this wasnt really a question to the forum, just me talking out loud.

[BanTheTram]

I am definitely not happy.  I think one of the hardest things is getting the motivation to do your daily chores.  Getting up for work, cleaning the house, paying the bills.  It all seems so impossible unless you use.  Now, I have about 3 weeks to move out of the country.  A ton of stress right now, and I am going to need to be strong and get everything done to go into this new job with a clear mind.

Does anyone know of any good self help books to read?  I am going to be quite alone and struggling.  I have to break it off with my girlfriend over this move as well.  Just not a great time to be dealing with all this.  The one positive is I wont have access to these anymore and I wont be around an environment in which reminds me of using.

[throwindatowl]

I did the same thing. AGAIN. Oh I can take just one tonight and not be a strung out junkie. Its.just a matter of time until your right back to where you came from. I struggle with urges but now know that when you take  a pill, even one it will not make the urges better later on. Its makes them worse. So when we stop the pills its gotta be forever. Knowing that makes it easier. You cant have any. Neither can I. It will do no good to obsess over it because you cant, cant, cant, It is hard learning to be happy without the need of chemicals but are you happy now?

[BanTheTram]

I wish the FDA would just ban this crap so it wasnt so easy to get.