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i just dont get it
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i just dont get it

Ok, so I asked about this a few days ago. I know most of u think its probably not the best thing to try but I thoughy id at least give it a shot. I took 1 10mg methadone yesterday just to get some goin in my system. Then last night around 7 I took an oxy and took off my fent patch. Woke up this morning in terrible w/d's. Took 40 mg methadone. Took around 2 hours, but the w/d's all melted away along with my pain. However, its now around 12 hours later and I'm starting to hurt and feel the w/d's cteep back up. What the hell. I thought the long half life shuda kept it goin at least longer than this???
28 Comments Post a Comment
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1416133_tn?1351126817
Oh my...beyond.. I feel like IB does, your posts break my heart.  You're resisting everyone's advice and moving forward on what you think you need to be well.  But I PROMISE you, none of us know what will make us well when we're trying to quit and still in active addiction.  We have to learn from those before us who succeeded and remain active in their recovery.  We just do.

Believe me, I get it - I thought I knew best back then too - I know how hard it is to have to give into the process and let go.  But I really think that's something you need to do.  And now.  You think you have the better way, that you know better.  But you don't....if there was a quick fix or easy way out of this, do you think this place would even exist?  Or any of those other gazillion rehab facilities that currently exist?  If there was an easier way, we'd all know it by now.

What do you think it will take for you to embrace the advice we're so desperately trying to give you?  Please help us understand.
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Avatar_m_tn
Dude, They are drugs!

There's no half life bs, or just to get going bs.

Look in the mirror at what they are doing to you.  
I didn't write the following but it is for you!
______________________________________________________________



PERSONAL LETTER FROM MY ADDICTION

Dear BeyondScrewed:
I’ve come to visit once again.  I love to see you suffer:  mentally, physically, spiritually & socially.  I want to make you restless so you can never relax.  I want you to be jumpy, nervous and anxious. I want to make you agitated  and irritable so every thing & every body makes you uncomfortable.  I want you to be confused and depressed so you can’t think clearly and positively.  I want you to hate everybody and ESPECIALLY YOURSELF!  I want you to feel guilty & remorseful for the sins (mistakes) you have made in the past that you will NEVER be able to let go of……..I want to make you angry and hateful towards the world for the way that IT is & the way that YOU are.

I want you to feel sorry for yourself and blame everybody but ME for the way things are.  I want you to be
deceitful and untrustworthy…..to manipulate and con as many people as possible.  I want to make you fearful & paranoid for no reason at all.  I want to make you wake up during all hours of the night screaming for me.   You KNOW you can’t sleep without me!  I’m even in your dreams.  I want to be the FIRST thing you think of every morning and the LAST thing you think of before you blackout at night.  I’d rather kill you, but I’ll be happy enough
just to put you back in the hospital or in another institution, or jail……but you know I’ll be waiting for you when you get out!!

I love to watch you slowly go insane.  I love to see all the physical damage that I am causing you; I can’t help but sneer and chuckle when you shiver and shake; sweat and freeze at the same time! When you wake up and your sheets & blankets are soaking wet.  It’s amusing to watch you ignoring yourself….not eating… not sleeping….. even your own personal hygiene……yes, it’s amazing how much destruction I can be to your internal organs while at the same time working on your brain……destroying it bit by bit.

I want you to know, I deeply appreciate how much you’ve sacrificed for me…… the countless good jobs, all the fine friends that you deeply cared for….you gave up FOR ME!!  What’s more, the ones you’ve turned against yourself because of your inexcusable actions.  I’m even more grateful for them!   And especially your loved ones;  your family;  the most important people in the world to you….you threw them away….for me!!  I cannot express in words the gratitude I have for the loyalty you have for me.  You sacrificed all these beautiful things in life just to devote yourself COMPLETELY to me.  But do not despair.  You can ALWAYS count on me.  For after you’ve lost ALL these things, you can depend on me to KEEP you in a LIVING HELL…..to KEEP your mind, body and soul….for I will not be satisfied until YOU, BeyondScrewed, are dead, my friend!

Forever yours,
Your Addiction


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3131950_tn?1351778243
Holy crap that hit me hard BuddyCrunch.
   But you my friend are 100 percent right.
everyone has a different bottom to hit before waking up.I myself stay angry and mad at this disease to keep my head above water as i sit here 24 hrs in feeling like crap.
   I tried doin this the same way BeyondScrewed did.
Let me tell ya everyone knows that does not work.Man i had it licked,2 weeks,Then seriouse injury and hospital time and here i am back here losing my mind and pissed.
   Dude just do it.Because if we don't stop there is one Jail,death, or institutions, there is no other way out if we do not stop.
    I saved that write up to my desktop,whenever i crave i will read it.Made me cry it was so personal to me ty.
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4204073_tn?1361835076
I love that letter!  
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3122379_tn?1342382785
Hey there beyond.  Are you still thinking you can do this yourself?  Like I have said and many others here out of deep concern for you, you need professional help.  Inpatient programs are out there everywhere for those who can afford it and those who can't.  Please do whatever it takes before it is too late.  Your life depends on it.  Methadone or suboxone could help you for awhile...but you need to get set up with a program.  Black market methadone is not a good idea.
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Avatar_m_tn
Glad you're still at it, but you need a program and a plan. Anyone who's done the street methadone very long will tell you, be careful. I always cringe when someone decides to use street methadone, especially to detox. I've CT off all the others, but methadone is a whole different game. Hardest thing I've ever been through and barely lived through it. Seriously man, reach out in every direction, get help. Doctor, addiction counselor, NA, this forum, and everyone you can. If you can't control the others, methadone will be the next level of nightmare. I know you knew people would say this, but that's because it's true. No drug will bring freedom, so fight for your freedom with all your might.
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495284_tn?1333897642
Until you quit trying to do this on your own this insanity will continue.
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Avatar_m_tn
ya man, you know i feela rela bab tis mo.. mor.. morning ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  had to do something ya ya know ,,,,,,,,,,,,,  jus ta git meh go ga going, ya know?

so I CAME HERE!          and now I FEEL GREAT!!!

Good morning everybody, BuddyCrunch is back on line.   It's the start of another great day being clean to be had by all.    :-}

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Avatar_f_tn
its just that u hav no acctability. ur taking ur drugs with the meth. it will never work like that. it not working now. if u wont go to impatient at least go to a sub dr. it made for people like u and u need the conseling the give u. or u will never stop.i agree tho inpatient is best. u can od easily on meth. im only telling u this becuz im scared 4 ur life.  i rearly recomend sub due to its addictive nature, but i think if u do it right it will change ur life and u wont hav to worry bout going into w/d 12 hrs later. no1 is mad at u we're scared for u.please let sum of this enter ur heart. u need to talk to a pro. when i started sub i wasnt 100% wanting to quit everything but my therepist has helped me see the light i want that so bad for u.
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Avatar_f_tn
My heart goes out to you since the first time I saw your screen name.  Each post you make chips away at me a little more.  All I can say is please think about getting some outside help.  As always, I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Beyond...Seriously?! I feel for you and am rooting for you. But come on...

My first instinct is to write to you personally and tell you that I feel that you are borderline using us here as you just repeat and repat, and hardly ever respond or answer anyone's questions! But I know that is just my anger at your addiction and I need to work on why I'm reacting to your addiction...honestly I've been there I know it is a powerful thing.

Jeeze, one of the many avenues I tried during my addiction was subs. I remember walking it to that drs office every month, for the first 6 months, insisting that my only problem was the physical ties- mentally I was fine. Now i look back and cant believe how i was acting?! When your addicted your mind is just so--whack!

I type this to you in hopes that you read this (not sure?!) and take away at least some little piece of something someone has written to you. Do you know how concerned some people are?? Remember they take the time out of their day to respond to you...that's saying somthing...it works both ways
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271792_tn?1334983257
Once again he posts, tells us what he is doing and doesn't return.

It's sad buddy but you haven't hit your bottom yet and you think you are still in control. There is no more that I can say to you without repeating myself and that falls on deaf ears anyway so I will just pray for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
I apalogize if you feel as uf I am using you. I do try to respond to the posts that I see that I feel I am knowledgable/qualified to answer.

I know I'm not in control.

I know I need help. But I just refuse to give my wife that concrete evidence that she cud use against me in court. If I lose my son then I don't care about nything nyway.

Again, I'm sorry if ya'll feel like I'm usin u

Maybe ill have somethin positive to say in a few weeks
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1416133_tn?1351126817
Or maybe you'll no longer be around by then and this whole issue with worrying about never seeing your son again will be pointless.

You REFUSE to give your wife that kind of control, but that's exactly what you're doing by continuing to use and not getting the help you need.  As long as you are an addict, she will always be in control.

I will also pray for you.  I truly will.
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1416133_tn?1351126817
And I'm sorry if that was harsh, but I'm so afraid for you beyond.  Because I promise you, this kind of stubborn prideful thinking WILL take you down.
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3955352_tn?1349100497
wow that hit hard and at the perfect time..thank for posting that...i have been on my pitty pot all morning ... why me? that is what has been going through my head ...  thanks for the eye opener ... much love!
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495284_tn?1333897642
Beyond, you keep doing this and you wont have to worry about anything but your son will as he will be without a father.  
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Avatar_f_tn
No judgement, just reality.  You won't give your wife control, but you willingly hand it over to pills. As long as you do this you have already removed the best part of you from your son. How's this behavior workin for you so far?
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4204073_tn?1361835076
Do you have anyone else that can help you instead of your wife if you are scared of telling her?  
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Avatar_m_tn
I have been reading your posts and I've held back, but at this point I have to chime in and pretty much agree with what's being said.
You've been on this forum for weeks - all of your posts are the same, filled with despair and hopelessness, yet there remains an unwillingness on your part to implement the suggestions offered by people who have been through hell, have years of sobriety, and are experts at addiction.
But, no matter what is offered, you seem to come up with reasons why this or that can't be done. And that's all BS. There are people on here who's lives have been filled with unimaginable pain and suffering, yet they are working at recovery, every day.  You on the other hand seem to be using this forum as more of a social site - a place to whine about how things just aren't working out - and they aren't working out because you are not listening;
your head is in control. The pills are in control. And you are doing nothing about it. That's my take on things. Harsh, yes. I would like to see you get clean.
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3955352_tn?1349100497
i am praying foy you.... WAKE THE HELL UP!! its that easy take back your life...you have loads of support from all the amazing people on here... have you tried a 30 day intake program? it may be whay you need ...think about you risk of loosing now and how much more you could loose if you dont make a change now....please keep me posted im pulling for you.
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Avatar_m_tn
You're wife can't use your recovery against you, but being in active addiction is a powerful tool for her. You may even salvage your marriage if you're clean. Just a thought.
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3120424_tn?1347173632
Most are in the same boat on here- we're all trying to recover or maintain our recoveries- reaching out to get advice, share experiences and help others. Dig your heels in deep and get started on doing what you have to do ;)
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2107198_tn?1336139706
It's all in here man, your golden ticket.  Follow what these folks are saying, and you may yet save yourself.  Your posting is making yourself feel better, while not really doing anything to heal yourself.  It's a lie, and almost as bad as the drugs your taking.  

Bryan
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Avatar_m_tn
i agree completely with undertow, and thank you whoever posted it. it also hit me hard, and is honestly an exzact  truth to what will happen if we dont stop our addiction NOW. *( im 75 hours sober and still hurting)*
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2083449_tn?1381358308
C'mon Beyond, put your Big Boy Pants on and lets go! Please stop trying to play Scientist and Pharmacist, and Doctor! Listen to these folks who in some cases, have years of experience and clean time under their belts! You have been given great advice, and you will receive tons of support! The folks here care about you and what happens to you! I pray that you will listen, and begin the process of getting well and healthy!
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954005_tn?1304630205
how old is your son? the way you are going, there is no end in sight for your addiction, because you refuse to take action.  if or when your son is old enough to understand what is going on with you, you will lose him anyway...at least in some ways...he won't trust you, maybe he won't even respect you, because he'll wonder why you didn't even try.  I know you will say that you are trying...but it's not really trying, because you are not doing what you are supposed to...you need to go to treatment NOW.  maybe you need suboxone too... you asked about it months ago... if there ever was a good candidate for it, it's you.  but first you need to get into a facility--even if short term, to remove yourself from all of the other drugs! and you need to then be in an intensive outpatient program while you are on the suboxone.  i hope you finally get this.  you are so adamant that you will not let your wife have any control over you, when in reality, she would probably be SO relieved to see you finally help yourself.  when we are in full blown addiction, we have such irrational thoughts, and you are having some classic addiction fuelled irrational thoughts!! Why is it better to keep failing at your recovery--because you are not capable of succeeding on your own, like you think you are? Get in treatment no matter what you have to do, tomorrow...by not getting sober, you are walking away from your son...so if you don;t do it, it is YOU who is going to keep him away from you...not your wife...YOU are the one giving control away.  I pray that you just do it.  Go...try...it's your ONLY option.
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2107676_tn?1388977459
You are in my prayers.  I really wish you would take the great advice that you are being given from the people who have been where you are.
You deserve the help that is out there for you.  You can't do this alone.  It's just too hard for you and everything that you are taking.  I think I remember when you first came on you were taking fentanyl and oxy's and now you have added meth to your mix.    Your program is not working.
Reach out to your doctor.  It will all be confidential so please do not use that as an excuse.  If you really want your son that is what you HAVE to do.
There is no other way.
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