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Relapsed again.....
Today is day 1...again. I came one here with my last relapse...which didn't last that long. I remember the day before I relapsed I came on here to update my journal and tracker...was so proud I'd made it so long. Just about 2 weeks!! Then the little pill got back into my life the next day....by my own hands of course. 3 weeks I used. I'm so down on myself I can't even explain it. I've told my mom, sister and very good friend. They've been amazing and have kept me from going crazy. Today's worst w/d is the mental .....the "stupid me!", "WHY??!!" and that sort of thinking. I'm also very scared at what's to come. No one likes the w/d but I know I've got to overcome it. I think it was Iwill or someone...I'd have to go back and look....who said "Just treat it like a flu...". THAT simple statement kinda helped me through it last time. I"ve just got to endure it and MAKE SURE to stay away from all those that enabled me or have a connection to my DOC. So far I have stocked up on juice, immodium, tylenol AND Midol (was told it works too) and going to be getting some ensures, chicken broth, crackers...etc...I'm feeling prepared for the physical aspects. The mental...I"m just not sure about. I have great vitamins with awesome amino acids and vitamin B complexes. I told more people this time than last time...except for my other half. That's not even a possiblity as it would mean our relationship would be over. I am keeping a picture of us next to me to remind me daily why I'm doing this...along with a picture of my aging Grandfather who's suffering from Parkinson's. I need to keep him inmy head. He's suffered for years and still to this day I can go up there and he has a smile and a few jokes for me. If he can do THAT...I sure in the hell can beat this stupid thing. I just need some support for these crazy times when I just don't think I can do it. I can't say how much I appreciate this board and it's members.
Yep....even though I feel like crap there's no way I'm going back. I own this life....the pills don't. I want to be the guy that used to go out on the weekends and party....clean..with my friends. Literally the guy that would get through the week only for the fact that I'd get to reconnect with my family and all those close to me come the weekend. I deserve it and the people that love me deserve that ME back!
Well I feel for u hang in there I am the relapses king so far this year I went 28 days clean messed up went 22 day clean messed up agin I do good till its time to go see pain doc just can't seem to tell him no I don't need them I just let him wright the script so now I b joining u tomarow to try one more time the detox is the easy part for me the long term not that's a bi**h but u got to keep trying
I'm feelin...dunno if it's life...no...it is and it's life without the pills for sure. today however *****! achey, nauseated, depressed, tired as I've ever been and just all around "blah". I can't wait for the day after tomorrow!
Hell yeah it does! just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes! geesh....talk about being emotional today!
Trust me when I tell you, most everyone was a chronic relapser on this forum, very very few do it the first time.
Truly the most important thing is not having access to the pills, once you cut that off, it makes recovery so much easier.
I keep telling myself, every moment is a moment closer to true happiness. Imagine a life where you do not need a substance to get through the day, sounds pretty damn terrific to me
Truly the most important thing is not having access to the pills, once you cut that off, it makes recovery so much easier.
I keep telling myself, every moment is a moment closer to true happiness. Imagine a life where you do not need a substance to get through the day, sounds pretty damn terrific to me
I'm so glad I found this post I'm a chronic relapsed too. I had 42 days and just flushed all my pills and I'm back to day one. Thank God I'm not alone. What are you doing for your detox? I'm doing the Thomas recipe I'm really hoping that because I've put together over a month or so both times my physical won't be so bad.
I'm so grateful you're here can we try and find strength from each other. I can't tell my husband either. Please write to me I have a post day one too. Congrats to all of us for choosing life today.
I'm so grateful you're here can we try and find strength from each other. I can't tell my husband either. Please write to me I have a post day one too. Congrats to all of us for choosing life today.
I'm right there with ya! Looking back they really do a number on ya. I was taking Tram and I was happy and had energy and all that, BUT I wouldn't leave the house, I'd sit around and tend to my stuff, but I have friends that I used to talk to regularly and haven't talked to really since I started back on. I think this is the most I've talked to my mom and sister over the last two days than I had the entire time I was on them. I'm on the brink of losing everything...if my other half knew...we'd be done. I know that anything I take I can't take forever....and if I start up again it's inevitable that I'll have to go through this s*** again and I DO NOT WANT THAT!! I'm miserable and achey and have to put on a brave face. Where's the fun in that.....I'd rather be happy, feel good (clean), and not have to put on any faces. I'm uber depressed today and feel like crud BUT they are MY feelings that I'm feeling without the cloud of those pills. I'm owning them and why I'm feeling them....and I'm owning the FACT that I can keep myself from being back in this position!
Wow..133...what you said really hit me hard...two words in fact..."Habitual relapser". I read that and just cringed and sat back and thought..wow..tough to hear but that's what I am. How could I be something that makes me physically cringe?? I cried.....w/d emotional.....and I said, outloud, "that is NOT what I am going to be! I am better than that and those I love deserve MORE than that of me!" ....I even repeated it just now. thank you!!
today I'm uber nauseated, emotional and achey....but still have to take care of the house, our small "farm" and keep positive. although, I am letting myself take my hot baths, sit and take time to breathe and actually going to be lazy and watch a couple movies. Of course, come time the other half gets home.....my butt isn't moving off the couch unless it's to go to bed.
today I'm uber nauseated, emotional and achey....but still have to take care of the house, our small "farm" and keep positive. although, I am letting myself take my hot baths, sit and take time to breathe and actually going to be lazy and watch a couple movies. Of course, come time the other half gets home.....my butt isn't moving off the couch unless it's to go to bed.
Great job on starting again. I like you was a habitual relapser and am only on day 4/5 today but already feeling so much better than 2 days ago.
I too tried NA and it was not working for me, I had a very hard time relating to the people. But I did get into therapy and that is what has kept my relapses short.
You got to make serious changes to not relapse, for me, this time, i had to cut out a super close friend who is not at the point I am at. I also joined the gym and it seems to be keeping the cravings and negative thoughts at bay
I too tried NA and it was not working for me, I had a very hard time relating to the people. But I did get into therapy and that is what has kept my relapses short.
You got to make serious changes to not relapse, for me, this time, i had to cut out a super close friend who is not at the point I am at. I also joined the gym and it seems to be keeping the cravings and negative thoughts at bay
Hey littlebit....Thanks so much for your words! I'm more determined now than ever. This whole thing is completely ridiculous......having to act like I have the flu to my partner, calling my family (this time they automatically knew) and having to deal with all this insane, painful, gut-wrenching crap that goes along with w/d. I'm already putting things in place to conquer things that might be triggers to my relapsing and looking into therapy. I can't let myself down again..no..I won't.
I came here in Sept. to get help and I got it. I relapsed and was kicking my self like you. I gathered up all my strength and came back, admitted I had messed up and gave it another go. It was almost harder telling you all than it was my son. ALMOST! I was determined this time and even called my doctor and went to see her and tell her. Whew! Talk about cutting all my ties and knocking down bridges. I am at 66 days and feel pretty darn good. Keep trying!!!!! It is worth it, just hard to see it!
Thanks n8tw...I always say "minute by minute"...every moment I"m off the drug is a moment that is truly mine. I just need to remember that for a longer period of time, I think.
Chris...I really like that thought. I tried NA for my first quit. It really didn't work for me. If I can find a low-income therapy clinic, I think that might do me some good. One day at a time...totally agree. No matter what those days bring...they belong to ME. Not bogged down or clouded by some stupid drug. I've GOT to keep that in my head....and get these "stupid me" thoughts out.
Chris...I really like that thought. I tried NA for my first quit. It really didn't work for me. If I can find a low-income therapy clinic, I think that might do me some good. One day at a time...totally agree. No matter what those days bring...they belong to ME. Not bogged down or clouded by some stupid drug. I've GOT to keep that in my head....and get these "stupid me" thoughts out.
Thanks for the positive note Steve! I feel like I have all things in place. I do know what to expect somewhat. I know every w/d can be different. I know last time that by day 8 I was doing great. That it was a total 180 from even day 3. Congrats on 10 days! I can't wait to say that. Heck, even though I'll be going through some major stuff soon, I'll be glad to say 2 days clean...then 3...then 4 and so on. I've cut ALL ties with "suppliers"....most were done during my last w/d. This time it includes family. That will be the hardest part. We'll get through it though. This particular family member wasn't aware of my problem, but it looks like it's time to fess up. I just HAVE TO cover all my bases.
When i quit H i used sub (but i was a chronic relapser so i would avoid this) but if i had cravings to use i would say to myself "ill use tomorrow" and when tomorow came i would have talked myself out of it,or i would say "ill use tomorrow".and here i am 2+ years down the line (still on 0.4 oc sub though .lol.but thats another story!)
What im trying to say is one day at a time.this kinda helping me to cos im 4 days off the weed and beer.
Have u checked out NA or therapy of some sort?
What im trying to say is one day at a time.this kinda helping me to cos im 4 days off the weed and beer.
Have u checked out NA or therapy of some sort?
Hey brother sounds to me like you've got a good handle on the physical detox ...as for the mental stuff it sounds like you have a lot of emotional motivation and that will help... keep your focus on the victory at hand and you will be successful....sending you prayers and support ...you got this man....peace......
hang in mlk more than a few of us have relapse it dosen't mean were doomed i've done it more times than i wish to count !!! but this time i made sure the wont see me no more it was the only way to make sure this would be the last !!!! 10 days and counting !!!! and feeling better.......sounds like you got a good start keep posting were all here for you
Thanks for replying chris.....good to know I"ve got some good things is place.....and that someone is out there. :o) Means more than ya know.
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Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
But this time I am not feeling guilt or shame, I am damn proud, I have been knocked of this damn horse 10x in 9 months and I keep getting up and trying again.
This time I have focused on the surrender aspect, reality is if I keep this up I lose my wife, my job, everything!!!! I cannot and will not do that.
**** the pills do not even feel that good, in reality they make you feel like s*** emotionally and physically.