i need to figure out how to help my mom.

[erin626]

I recently had issues with xanax but I've been doing much better. Now I'm trying to focus my attention on getting my mom some help. My mom has been an alcoholic for almost 10 years now. I worry about her constantly as her younger brother passed away from drugs and alcohol in 2002. I don't want that to happen to her. She has aged so much and just looks unhealthy and I know she is unhealthy. The problem is she's in complete denial about her addiction and gets angry when its brought up like she's being personally attacked. I don't know what to do for her but I want to do something before its too late. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Jaybay]

I think it's a fine idea to send her a letter.  You can still tell her that you love her, but at the same time explain exactly why you have to detach.  She does deserve an explanation and then you'll both know exactly where you stand.  You won't feel like you have to sneak around when you're in town.  Secrets are never a good thing.  

Establish your own rules for seeing her in person, tell her what those rules are, and most important - stick to them.  If she can't stick to your rules, then keep up the letter-writing campaign.  Even if she doesn't write you back, you'll still have a connection.  Guilt is a real killer for family and friends of addicts, so try not to guilt-trip yourself into being an enabler of your mom's illness.  Sounds like you've got a great dad and great support with your boyfriend's parents.  Keep them close - they're right!  :-)

[erin626]

Thanks everyone. I've been told by my dad and my boyfriend's parents to do just that...detach myself from her. I live 3 hours away from her so its not too difficult to do but I really love my mom so it hurts when I do go to visit other family in the area but not her. I wrote her a letter about how I feel and how worried I am about her. I just haven't sent it yet.

[scaredoutofmymind333]

Jaybaby said it all, and said it very well....I just wanted to send a hug your way. Stay strong and gaurd your own sobriety, that is the best thing you can do right now.

[dominosarah]

Hi Erin.....Jaybay pretty much summed it up.  We also have an alcohol forum here too where you could post.  Make sure you take care of you first and foremost~~~sara

[gnarly_1]

good post Jaybay....and so true

[Jaybay]

Oh honey, I'm so sorry.  The sad fact is that there isn't anything you can do.  Since your mom is in denial, she just isn't ready to quit and do the necessary work to stay sober.  What you CAN do is set some boundaries for yourself.  Make it clear to your mom that you still love her, but you can't be around her when she's using and drinking.  Tell her that you're happy to support her in recovery when she's ready to do quit, but you can't support her while she's using.  Your presence alone allows her to continue to fool herself into believing she's just fine.

Addiction is all about loss in the end.  Loss of family, friends, money, possessions, and physical and mental health.  Sometimes people wake up to reality before it's too late and get the help they need to get sober.  Sometimes they take active addiction to the grave.  Never forget that your mom's addiction is not your fault.  You are not responsible for her getting to this place and you aren't responsible for fixing her.  Only she can do that.  

Detaching yourself doesn't mean you don't love her.  Please don't let her illness drag you down with her.  That's what happens when we try to help someone see the light and they aren't ready to see it.  Give a few Alanon meetings a shot.  There's so many people out there in your exact situation, and they can help you learn some ways to protect yourself emotionally and hopefully prepare for the day that your mom is ready to quit.  

Since you had issues with xanax, you have your own sobriety to worry about too.  Being around someone who is actively using isn't the best idea for you right now.  I think everyone here will tell you the same thing.  Relapse is sneaky.  Just when you think you're through the tunnel you get bit right in the arse and never see it coming.