i swear you people are the only reason i am still going

[kme17]

I cant stop crying. I feel like i am going stirr crazy if i just sit in my room but i hate being around my lil girl right now. She is a reminder of what i need to do but what a failure i am feeling like right now. Its so mental for me right now. I m feeling back ach but otherwise i would prob b alright if i wasnt talking myself it to just getting a few more. I begged my husband to let me go get them just for sleep i promised n said u can hold them. But we all know i am kidding myself. I go 2 hrs to get them i will take some for the ride home then i start all over. I m in a mightmare right now n i cant turn it off!

[kme17]

Gammie. I guess we are pretty lucky our husbands are so great to us.. even if we dont see it now. I dont want to be running all day ne more. I want my baby girl to remember mommy being fun all the time not just sometimes n somedays she was locked up in her bed. I better get this done now while she is this young. Your right depression is cancer to the soul. I believe its in my blood line tho. I really cant remember a time i had soo much fun wo a pill a drink a line .. i keep trying to tell myseld you not a "lifer addict" but i am. I am and always will be. One day i will tell me family but it will be when i am clean. I will be proud to say i am an addict but i been clean for xx amount of time. N i know today i will not use n i am happy about that.. i guess i just need to get there first. Day 3 night and day 4  have been by far the wost.. i pray so hard to let day 5 and 6 have a genunine smile on my face. Sry for the incorrect spelling.

[gammieof1]

I'm going thru what you are...my son keeps asking me questions cause I'm basically living in my bath tub. I feel the same guilt as I have been on these for over 10 years.
I decided to change when I saw a picture of me n my kids when they were young and realized that was the last time they saw mommy sober.
My kids are all grown up except the 14 yr old at home so I missed out on way too much and have hurt them n can't take it back. I wish I had realized sooner what I was doing please hang in there with me I also asked my hub to go get me just 1 so I could break it in half only for him to stand firm....I'm pissed as all get out at him rifht now but I try to remember he wabts the old me back...they all do.
I just wish I knew who she was cause I've forgotten by now.
Don't feel guilt its a cancer on our soul
:)

[IBKleen]

Hun, please stay in one post. It is hard to follow and there are others here who need help as well. I know you are struggling but we can follow you easier if you are in one place. Hang in there.