i want to use help me say no

[bama88]

Ok guys shiz hit the fan last night. My husband started a huge fight. He came home and at first he was caring and being kind. Then he took his pills again. Passed out at 7 again. Woke up and found me on the phone on the forum and went apeshizz. Accused me of having an affair. Sceamed why do i need to tell the whole world my problems. Said i cant go.to na anymore because he dosent think i go. He thinks i got a boyfriend. Three weeks ago he said i ruined 20 years of his life. Belittled me in front of my daughter. Who jumped in on daddys side. I wanr to call up my buddy and say how many oxy ir 30 do you have? I want ten. Havent i been threw enough? Im trying to save my life and he wants to kill.it. Help me. I cant take this anymore. Im shaking so bad because i want to use.

[lulu747]

bamma I didn't get anything in my inbox from you-send again?

[bama88]

Thanks for all the support yesterday. I needed it. I have felt so alone and isolated this year. Bamaguy has been working. Hes not suppose to. He had too many injuries from his wreck. But he hated sitting home. He is a busy body. Like me. I hate being parked on couch. But im gonna stay parked to heal from this last surgery. I think bamaguy has torn hir rotatorcuff. And he paints all day. So i know he has justified pain. And i told him last night his turn next year in the surgery barrell. I pray he gets that fixed. Everything weve been thru good or bad has helped us bond even more. Except the pills. They are killing the bond. I want him to go inpatient therapy. Heres my thought on rhis. Hes in so much physical pain and he has never really gotten over his car wreck. But rhis place treats post tramatic stress disorder. I know he has that. He has nightmares still. And just like me he abused his meds just to escape both pbysical pain and mental. Well they treat pain management patients. They help them figure out how much pain they are in and also help the mental part. He saw the brochure. So maybe just maybe they can help him. I wanted to go there when i first detoxed. Our insurance will pay. Im gonna call monday for appointment. Lets pray bamaguy can get in and he will go.

[texaslady68]

I am praying that 2012 will be a wonderful year for all of us!  I went out for the first time today  (Day 6) and found myself flirting with men which I havent done in forever because my emotions have been shut down.  Almost asked the Hot guy at the tire place for his number. lol He didnt even charge me to fix a wire on my headlight that was out.

I will be ringing in the New Year here.   I have found myself craving alcohol all of a sudden and I havent had a drink since Febuary mainly because i didnt want to mix it with pills.  But, I have had alcohol problems in the past and sure do not want to start that again.

[dominosarah]

Always put bama first........

[minn66]

What wonderful news! You guys are in my thoughts and prayers. If you can overcome this together then you will have an incredible bond. Just remember to be good to bama, too.

[dominosarah]

Hopefully this will be the turning point for bamaguy!  Now stick to your guns and take care of bama.  You will still need the mute button and the finger so wave it proudly!!!  lol

[bama88]

Oh and he wants to go back. We go to private place. They do everything from inhouse counseling for family teens. Adults alateen. Aalon all of it. He wants to set up meeting with a counsoler. See what they can do.

[lulu747]

I agree God did.  I am so glad your faith is restored.  Now you've got ME crying Bamma.  I'm so happy for you....Love Lu

[bama88]

Yep. Im soo tired. We went to na and then out to eat then hubby wanted to talk and talk and talk. We stayed up until runrise. Im married to a quite guy. He never wants to talk. Hes a watcher. He cried thru the whole meeting. He was squeezing my hand so tight it hurt lol. And id get him to loosen up and he squeezed again. He told me thank you for loving me. Thank you for accepting my addiction. Thankyou for 20 years of standing by my side. And im sorry.  He kept hugging me in parking lot and saying sorry sorry sorry. A man.talked last night how he lost everything to pills. His home wife kids and he went to prision for forging scripts several times. He is 100 days clean now. I swear he was looking my husband dead in the eyes. He introduced himself to hubby and my husband hugged him and cried so so hard. Ive only heard him cry like that once before. When he lost his dad. My husband is mr private never says anyrhing. Never shows emotions in public. That guy and him exchanged numbers. Says he cant be a sponsor yet. But he can talk to him anytime. I think his story was so close to bamasguy. Thats what we will call my husband. It hit him deep.down inside. I think god sent that man for bamaguy

[minn66]

It's good that you were able to talk and that he went to NA with you. I hope that 2012 marks a new beginning for both of you!

[lulu747]

It's great that you're having a dialogue.  This is the first step to healing.  And the fact that he's willing to go to NA says a lot too.  All good things.  Proud of you for sticking to your guns...Lu

[bama88]

Yep. Im soo tired. We went to na and then out to eat then hubby wanted to talk and talk and talk. We stayed up until runrise. Im married to a quite guy. He never wants to talk. Hes a watchwe

[minn66]

Hi bama, just letting you know I am thinking about you and hope you are having a good day and feel better. :)

[lulu747]

If you don't put up with the behaviour or enable it then things have to change one way or the other.  I will never tolerate someone being abusive towards me ever again.  I have never been abusive to anyone-even at my worst.  I can be compassionate for the abusive persons obvious suffering-but that doesn't mean it's up to me to fix it or them.  Especially because that's a lose/lose situation.  All you can do is lead by example and hope he follows.  And feel good about yourself.  This is trying and heart wrenching and messed up-but look how far you've come!  Keep going girl...I believe in you....Love Lu

[fpvfem]

hey chick so sorry to hear ya man thinks and is treating u like that my partner the same he thinks I'm seeing someone else but I ain't I hope you feel better soon huni u don't desevre to be treated like that ur doin ur very best in getting better I hope he stands beside ya with no judgement and 100 percent love in box me huni much love from oz mwah mwah xoxoxo

[lilbritches549]

Sorry to hear u r going through this and I do know how you feel.  My third day sober I wasn't so strong. He told me we were not getting married   cause he was sick and tired of me being sick and tired I bought a hand ful of oxy and left .  I almost had it made but blew it. Now i am trying with subs but I so badly wish i had not let my emotions and addiction get the best of me and had stood strong. I wish the best for you in your recovery and if you really love him hang in there if that is what u want to do.  I wish so much i hadn't left cause detoxing and a broken heart don't mix.

[Bkitty]

Hi Bama,,,Im so sorry you are going thru this. Remember you are letting him control your emotions and your sobriety. I know easier said then done. You have to set boundries,,,believe me when you first do that they will test and test you and fight you but you hold firm and dont give in. Your husband is delusional,,thats from the pills. The paranoia also result of his addiction. I know your moods are all over,,Ive been there. Dont give in to him or this addiction at all!! You're stronger than you think you are. I know you are!! Stay close here,,there a a lot of us rooting for you and will help you~bkitty

[texaslady68]

Good for you lulu!  I will never ever take **** off a man again.  The last date I had, I ended up telling him off for his stupid comments.  I am a very strong, opinionated person it is the Leo in me.

Bama how old are you??? Power Twins Activate was out in the late 70's. Part of the super hero cartoons on Saturday mornings.

As we all know, unless he is ready for help, no amount of preaching, griping, or any other tactic will work.  With him seeing you coming out of your fog, maybe it will have a positive effect on him.(let's pray)

[bama88]

I think its power rangers... Activate lol. Well ive heard this story of his before. I think that record has scratches on it hes played that tune. The crying sobbing forfive me tune. Im still gonna talk to him sternly. Im gonna treat him like my 13 year old. He may get the mute button too. He may get the mute and finger at the same time. Lol. Or ill be a bratt like Lucy and put my fingers in my ears and go lalala i cant hear you. Ive done that one before. He hates that one. Lol. I havent done that one in years. Thats what i would do when i was sober and he said dumb stuff. Hmmm maybe my brains starting to work again. And lulu you know ill do it

[lulu747]

Hey ladies can I join your trio?  the end of the road for me was after 3 surgeries to fix my uterus so I could get pregnant my husband says to me "I don't want to have children.  Ever.  How are you going to take care of a baby when you don't even take care of me properly?"  I packed up-and got the hell out and never looked back.  Best thing I ever did.  I am not telling you to leave your husband...Just commisserating(:

[texaslady68]

That is wonderful that your husband wants to go to NA. I hope he does to get some perspective.  I have so many stories of pain and hurt in my life that I honestly do not know how I have made it through it but by the Grace of God.  The most important thing is to take care of yourself and do not fall into Hell again with those pills.Your are worth something and have helped me sooo much today.  Power twins activate!! lol

[bama88]

Oh dear texas. What horror. He must be my husbands brother lol. Because some of the things that have came out of my husbands mouth is equally lewd. Ive said some whoppers back. Mainly i just cuss you out. Thats the notherner in me. Im a converted southerner. Im glad you got out of that mess. We went through years of good behavoir. The pills make my husband go wild with words. He called me crying and sobbing and asking for forgiveness and help. I heard the words your right. I am addicted. But i dont know how to control my pain. And help me talk to our family doc about antidepressants. God hears prayers. And he wants to go to na with me tonight. Not because of thinking im cheating but to get help. I pray he means it. I am determined to stop this chain of family curses. His side and mine. There was a  time we were both so happy. We didnt get 21 years together in this shape. We used to get out do things etc. But somewhere between all the medical problems and pills we lost our way. No matter how lost we get we still can get on the right path. Wow my crazy day opened up a new dialouge here. Maybe were all getting somewhere together. Notice a pattern here? We all had emotional pain as well as physical pain that made us abuse our meds or just use drugs.

[texaslady68]

Bama  one of the reasons that I got a divorce was the emotional abuse.  This was before I turned to pills and i had a backbone.  You are getting your backbone back and they are not going to like it.  One time when i was about to have surgery my ex told me he hoped I died.  Another time, and i dont share this with everyone, but here it feels right, I think I was sexually abused when I was 2 by my father (he was a drunk and my mom divorced him when I was 2).  Anyway i have flashbacks at times, anyway, my ex husband told me "at least I didn't **** my daddy".  Sorry for the crude language but that he what is said.  Can you imagine??? That was about the end of our marriage.  I kicked him out after he pushed me in the fireplace in front of my kids. Karma got him because his mother got diagnosed with cancer at the same time and died pretty quickly.  He begged me to take him back but I could not handle the emotional abuse anymore.  Physical is bad but the emotional wounds are very hard to heal.  That is about the time I started taking pills...

As far as the teenager, that is just teenagers and I have 2.  The best thing to do is ignore them and not get sucked into the drama.  Tell her if she wants something do something around the house and she will get it.

Hang in their girl, you may have to leave the husband for your own sake if he cannot get clean and change.

[ricart70]

It's good that you came on and posted BEFORE you went and got oxy.I hope things settle down for you.If you are still taking demerol or any other narcotic painkiller that could be making your cravings more intense and everything else for that matter because it is keeping the gates open. Maybe you should tape record your daughter and then play it back to her and let her hear the nonsense that she is saying.Hang in there!