im a struggling addict today

[gnarly_1]

HI Everyone God this is hard to post im suppose to be a community leader ......strong well rounded and firm in my recovery yet over the last week or 2 I have found myself crumbling under the stress of life as many of you know I an 6yr 2mo clean of weed alcohol and everything else recreational ....I was treating sever back pain with methadone so I lived in denile about that for several more yrs but today have 641 days clean of methadone........I have been know to say it gets ez with time but I just want to let you guys know I still struggle and these past 2 weeks have had me questioning is it really worth it...IT IS.... but this disease will come at you any time you weak it is cunning and baffling and powerful I
know it has been my aftercare and God that has kept me going although sometimes im hanging by a thread I think the bigest letdown for me is having to give up my sales job because of stress without the dope at the end of the day I just cant cope with it....I gave it an honest try for 3 mo but slowly deteriorate to the point my wife had the talk with me I also reached out to some of my brothers in the church and everybody agreed it wasnt worth loosing my sobriety over to do this job....this is a really tuff pill for me to swallow I have been a million dollar writer for 25yrs
it is bringing me to my knees at 49 I have to reinvent myself in a really tuff job market and it seams hopeless
it like im just ready to say F/it and go back to using so I can do my job and make a living even though I no this would destroy me..today I sold my jeep to the scraper it was like saying godby to an old friend ....if you live in airazona you need a jeep I was forced to do it to have the extra money to pay for my internet phone and cable tv a big all in one bill money is getting tight again...this is why I always say as addicts we need to change the very way we think and reason ......sometimes I go back to the old thinking I am a Christian and believe in God I also believe this war we rage is agents the principality of darkness not of the flesh and there is a demon haging over me ready and willing to strick me down just for what I do on this forum....Kat and I are almost empty nesters we have the last of 5 who is 18 living with us we are ready to move on with what God has for us and I believe in my heart it is a detox 1/2way house
it seams the more we push to get this going the more the enemy strikes ageist us and I am growing weare with it........im am struggling with trusting God with this it is his rehab/detox center not mine im just one of many he will use to get it going on one hand we have been blessed 6fold with help from others on the other hand I fell like im wondering the desert not knowing where to start again the urge to use has been tremendous anything to escape the stress im under......again its not the pills but rather the escape I seek  this can not be an option and I KNOW THIS yet I am still haunted by the disease ......this dose not go away I have tryed many levels of aftercare church and a personal walk with Jesus right now im hanging by a thread but im hanging I just want you guys to know im not without weakness or temptation its just as hard for me sometimes as someone just coming off this stuff  there are no garetees I just watched a friend who had his act together for well past a yr fall to this stupid disease and it just brought more discouragement to me...do I have a fighting chance?? I know we win this war one day at a time I just need to wake up and have it all smooth and better again not this ruff rocky road that im on now full of doubts and pitfalls and traps ready to spring them selfs on me there isent a person here I wouldent give the shirt off my back to help and even under these cecomstances I will still try to help out.....all I ask of you is a little slake I will make mistakes for my fellow Christians out there please keep me in your prayers I do you together we will beat this thing as that wasent enough im also bipolar and stress sets that off 2 went 4 nights last week without a wink of sleep now im falling into a depression I have been to the doctor and was told it is the side effects of coming off one of the meds...to me its just one more thing on top of a mountain ready to fall down on me and crush me I guess what im asking for is a little support I give it out all the time but rarely ask for it right now I need it thanks for reading this your friend and fellow addict Mark          

[freshstart01]

Narly,
Positive affirmations. I love and approve of myself. I am stronger then anything. Look to your future and goals. This too shall pass.
My prayers are with you!

[selfinduced]

I am going to make this short as my computer is losing power. You are an amazing man, a piller of strength and a fair and just person. Of course you will have theses days, after all your human. One thing that jumps out in your post is your lack of sleep. That won't kill you, but it can have you wishing you didn't have to function. I know you are not wanting to take drugs for anything unless necessary, but do you think your Dr. would give you a temp. sleep aide for a few nights? Everything is more managable after proper rest. You give to so many daily and I am truly sorry you are feeling TEMPORARILY defeated. Tomorrows a new day. Just said my prayers for you and your family. You'll get through this cloud.

[dominosarah]

It is time you start taking care of yourself.  Getting lazy in our recovery is not good.  You are being devoured by the world at the moment.  Step back, look around and see what is important.  Rome wasnt built in a day.  Using is not an option right now, focusing on Mark is.  Get ahold of your doctor and tell him what is going on with you right now.  Last time this happened you needed an adjustment with your meds.  Dont sit and think about it, do it.  You also need to start getting some sleep.  I know your brain is going a million miles an hour.  You have the tools you need to slow this down.........You can and will get thru this Mark~~sara

[AbiCat]

Though I am new I can see what you represent on this forum and to these people. No one on here would ever think less of you for feeling the troubles we all have felt and as you can see, everyone wants to help you and calm you as you have calmed them.

I am naive to this life as I have only been an addict for one year. Weed was only ever a slight problem for me but I have friends who are dependent and you know that whatever benefit it will bring you, the trouble is 10 fold. Along with support you get from your beliefs maybe you could try some other self searching methods. I totally understand the way a job can make you feel like you're whole self is being wound tighter and tighter into an uncomfortable coil that in the past drink and drugs have loosened for u. I have been trying things like meditation and certain beats that help calm and apparently alter your brain waves in order to allow you to feel more positive or energised or relaxed.

I do not know where you stand on the use of these types of things but I will post links for these sounds called binaural beats below for you incase you would like to investigate, Whether it just be a placebo affect or they truly work I do not know, but they have helped me none the less.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhJpV11spJU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5G6mLNfayA&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/user/FulLengthBinaurals#p/c/03F169213CE98BB1/3/-7TdlZ8I8Po

(they should be listened to using headphones)

I hope this may help u in some way. You have and can stay strong, and you have all of us to lean on if you need x

[Humbl]

Big up to you for reaching out. I am a 31 year old former medical marijuana grower and just recently got out of prison after almost 6 years. Be grateful!!!! Be thankful for your life and achievements in it. The world is at a critical point and in the grand scheme of things we are all minutae. Think of it like this. What's the point of doing anything unless it's positive and beneficial to your mind, body, and soul?? No point. Live up not down. Stress is a mess. Simplify your life in terms of real tangible happiness. Experience this moment purely and unadulterated. Really feel it. Ups, downs, and arounds. This is it my friend. Your one and only time on earth. Live!  You don't miss the water until your well runs dry. Be good and re examine what's important. Take stock.

[GACarol]

I read your supportive comments on here all the time. You are always ready to help out anyone of us. We are all here for you now. My heart breaks that you are struggling, my prayers go out to you. Do as you tell others, keep posting, keep praying, keep moving forward. Hang in there!