i'm so lost

[lori5997]

I forced myself out of bed, the anxiety was too much and felt guilty that my son's blood sugar might go sky high becase he's slept too long (he's got brittle diabetes, juvenile)  I'm still taking the vicodin and I'm feeling like this. I have absolutely no one and also have a 3 yr old.  I think ihave post traumatic stress disorder, my dtr's father kidnapped her the nite before we moved cross country (he knew and didn't object to the move!)got her back w/ a sherriff's "standby"  then late at nite in Nebraska, pulling a u-haul, turned wrong way onto an exit ramp (thought it was gas station driveway), panicked, started to gun it quick and saw huge semi comin down towards us, did a quick left turn into the ditch but was stiill 1/2 way on the rd when i saw flashing lites, the semi screeched to a stop inches from the cop. I used to be so independent and strong!!  I put myself thru nsg school, travelled europe twice, gave birth to my 1st child all alone yet felt so confident being his mother.  Now i can barely type these words, i've run out early the past 2 months (7-10 days) and CANNOT do that again, it was worse than what i can imagine hell is like and i have to take care of the kids 24/7. my health wasn't gd b/4 the pills, i'm sure i have hormonal problems (my mom has no adrenal or thyroid function) i'm on the pills for fibro. Dr's dismiss me and treat me like a junkie, won't even hear what i'm telling them "i want to get OFF the pain meds but need to address my other health issues 1st" big sign on the hospital "WE ARE PROUD TO BE OPIATE FREE"  I had a dr. say that i was a drug seeker (I always ask for a copy of my chart).when all i told her was i wasn't sleeping well and thought it was BECAUSE of the pain meds. they have such a ***damned  chip on their shoulder that they don't even HEAR what you're saying. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired but I cannot do this on my own. i cannot diagnose myself, treat myself,take care of a disabled son and toddler when i can't even talk or move, from detoxing at home. now after this bitter cold winter i put my house up for sale, was going to try to quit in April when my dtr is w/ dad for 3 wks, but now a buyer wants to move in may or june. where do i go?  where will i have help to quit and get proper health care? my son's home schooled cuz of asberger's which the school knew nothing about (of course i TOLD them, they just didn't understant it) public schools have been a nitemare between his P.D.D  and diabetes, but he's getting further and further behind cuz i just can't do it.  I cry so much how can I teach him everything he needs to know?? i can only be seen at one place in this whole state becuase of the kind of insurance i have. i feel llike i'm dying, i'm so scared and i don't want to lose my kids, but i don't have options. are there people that volunteer to help in these situations? I can't risk again what rage i have w/ w.d's ever again, around my kids, I 'm afraid i can't stop if i don't get help w/ the kids and w/ my other health problems. i'm sorry this is so long there's so much else i want to say too. i feel so trapped, thank you for any words of advice, i'm tired of spinning my wheels w. allthis, thank you again for listening,

[avisg]

thats a great idea anything I can do to help i will  

[lori5997]

Thanks again Avis, you've been more help than all my family put together, i'll maybe even try to look something up on the internet to get the ball rolling b/4 i get there!

[avisg]

when i was alone i had to take them everywhere at that point i was getting treatment for the depression he did family  therapy a 3 year old a ten year old and me went went into the play therapy room sometimes we all worked together sometimes my doctor gave the kids someone thing to do and we talk we found a way it did not happen over night but it got better .When you get wher u going start looking for all of the care u can because of your sons problem they should offer u some childcare and different programs when u get where u are going let me know I will help all i can to find out what programs are available there is so much more out there then anyone know they just need some help sometimes to know where to go .You can get back on track I will help all i can you not alone .

[lori5997]

thank you Avis
May I ask how you got aftercare while you were alone with you kids?.or were you able to quit without aftercare? I admire how far you've come and how much help you give everyone here, it really amazes me. I just don't know where to start. Have to move cross country now and I know I can't do that going thru w/d's. Hope to find support where I go.

[avisg]

so was I  I had gotten separated there dad was three thousand miles away I had NO help and I had to take kids to doctors appointment too EVERYWHERE at some point you are going to have to make the choice to change your life get off the drugs when you are ready we are here .plz remember there is not anything u can not overcome even when it seems so dark .

[lori5997]

I will not run out early this month.  I just counted and i actually have 2 extra. I can't risk hurting my kids or myself by quitting without a plan. i have to bring them along even when i go to the dr., I don't think i can bring them to aftercare meetings (which are 3 hrs round trip). nobody seems to understand cuz most people at least have one person in their lives that can help. I was depressed and tired BEFORE i even started on the pills and they helped me feel better physically and mentally, i know it's a false feeling but i had a hard time and now it'll be compounded by the w/d's!!?? I'm not wanting to keep using, I think maybe i'm barking up the wrong tree, for some there just are no answers.  I'll write more later, am extremely tired right now.  thank you,

[avisg]

U are going have to find some aftercare ...You can do everything you think u cant its not easy and there are  moments that U think you cant make it another second but you can .There will be days u feel like u can not get out of bed. I did it for well a few years I was on my own with a young daughter and a 3 yearold son that could give the best  of them a run for there money you do get threw it and it gets better in the end it makes the bond between the two of you stronger .Years have gone by I have had moments of deep depression and time of wonderful happiness my son will be 12 this year he has had cancer and adhd we have made it threw he as well has some learning disabilities but we handle it and he is the best kid ever the conflict in the end brought us closer I did not give up on him and he never gave up on me . My young daughter is in college best kid u could ever ask for there is nothing you cant do .First thing is to get off the drugs get yourself aftercare .start taking care of u and you will feel sooo much better ..If you are running out 2 weeks early then tapering would be very hard when do you run out ?

[lori5997]

yes, he has an iep, the school is another long story.....when i ran out i took allthe multi-vitamins, hot baths ibu, melatonin, valerian root tea, etc.  so far this month i'm taking as prescribed. the closest na/aa is 1 1/2 hrs away. i've been to counselors but not had much success, (for depression, personal issues, not the drug dependence yet) I need help and don't know where to get it (besides here, this is amazing, but hands on help)

[Calamity2]

Your son who has asbergers is another conversation. IEP etc. BUT you are in the right place if you want to stop using opiates. I used them for 8 years and I know about the humilation of being treated like a "drug seeker". Even if I was. You said that you ran out for 10 days. What did you take during that time? Meds?  We can support you through the forum but it seems to me that you will also need a personal sponsor. NA meetings or AA meetings are free and have helped thousands get clean and sober. But the number one thing you need is to get honest with yourself. I have a disabled son too. He can barly talk, but one day he said something CLEAR AS A BELL, "Mom stop taking poison".  That was my bottom after 8 years of opiate use. I hope you are providing your son with lots of social interaction, even if he only observes at first.